*** Love and Lies ***
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** There are many kinds of lies.
There are many reasons to lie.
We lie to hurt.
We lie to break.
We lie to hide our vulnerability.
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There are many kinds of love.
There are many reasons to love.
We love to live.
We love to smile.
We love to be strong.
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Sometimes I caught myself thinking so much of someone whom I shouldn't think of. Sometimes I caught myself staring so long at someone whom I shouldn't stare at.
We usually do what we shouldn't do. No matter how dangerous and crazy it is.
Maybe because we want to experience what we never experience before. Maybe because deep down we desire to be unhappy to realize how happy life should be.
Or maybe everything is just an excuse to cover up the fact that we're all idiots.
But, I never want to put myself under that term.
Even if my actions tell you a different story.
Not like you will ever notice anything anyway.
Remember the first time we met? I silently watched how you made your deductions about the identity of the woman in black and estimated your real ability. You never knew a thing.
Remember the time I disguised as you to mislead Ran? You asked me why I was helping you and I tried my very best to hide my blush as well as my crush. You never knew a thing.
Remember the time you injured yourself to save me in the bus hijack incident? I think you have somehow stolen my heart that day. You never knew a thing.
Remember the time I confronted Vermouth and completely destroyed your almost perfect plan? I have decided to myself since that crucial moment that I'm willing to sacrifice everything I have to protect you and other people. And you still never knew a thing.
Not like I ever want you to know anything anyway…
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"Neh, Haibara, do you think we will ever return to our old forms?"
You suddenly ask me today, with a pensive expression on your face. Your eyes look so strange. They're not as bright as they usually are. They're dull like a dead ocean.
"Of course we will." I tell you as firmly and confidently as I can manage. Lying was one of the first skills I had to learn in the organization. Acting is my natural talent.
I don't have any reason to be Shiho again.
The old me is already so far away. The old me is dead and gone. What stubbornly left is just the haunting past.
You don't say anything for a while. Staring down at the hard ground thoughtfully.
"I saw Ran cry last night. She said she hoped Shinichi would come back..."
You breathe out dejectedly, those simple yet meaningful words. You look so sad that it breaks my heart.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day.
She gave you indirectly a heart-shaped chocolate and I saw you eat it very happily. As if it tasted better than anything in this world.
I did wonder what that piece of chocolate tasted like to you. So sweet? A bit bitter? Heavenly?
I did wonder how she felt when you accepted her chocolate. Extremely happy? Totally excited? A tad sad?
I never knew. I never know. I will never know. Never ever.
"What should I do? Should I tell her the truth?"
You turn to me, asking me a question that I have heard more than one thousand times.
Maybe one thousand times is a little exaggerated.
But it doesn't matter how many times I hear it, it still hurts me deeply like the very first time.
Messing up your life was my fault. Ruining your happiness was my fault. Making you lie to her was my fault. Everything bad happening to you was all my fault.
'What should I do?' I should be the one who desperately wants to cry out that question.
If I am in any position to do that.
What went wrong I just cannot make it right.
"If you think tell her will make everything better, do it."
You are looking at me as if I just told you to jump off a skyscraper.
Maybe I did.
Isn't it the answer you always want?
"Do you have a fever, Haibara? Or did you take the wrong medicine this morning? It's not what you usually say."
You lean back against your chair, studying my poker face suspiciously.
There is no way you can know what I'm thinking. There is no way you can know what I'm feeling.
"If you want advice, that's what you get." I snap in faux annoyance.
I know that I am being mean.
But tell me…
How can I comfort you when my heart is as broken as yours?
How can I know what you should do when I also find myself so lost in this labyrinth of fate?
You are now silent. I feel like the world is spiraling down and down.
You sigh so softly. I feel like I'm suffocating.
I have nothing to give you but my love.
And you need anything but it.
How ironic.
"It will not take so long to create the antidote. And then you can come back to her. Don't people always say that the longer you wait for something, the better you feel when you have it?" I smirk at you, trying to lighten your mood.
Even if I throw my heart on the floor and let it be crushed into pieces.
Even if I watch you walk straight out of my life, like a dream lies shattered even before given any shape or form.
All I ever want is to see you happy.
All I ever want is to correct my stupid mistakes.
"Are you sure?"
This is the first time you have ever showed me your insecurity.
Some people say when you're in love, you become really weak. Like a snail loses its shell.
I know that more clearly than anyone else.
"How dare you doubt me? And if you don't believe it, then you don't believe in Ran, either. She is always patiently and faithfully waiting for you, isn't she?" I raise my eyes at you critically, hearing my empty pieces crash into one another and die down in an inaudible shriek.
She is your weakness. You can lose everything because of her.
Yet, she's also your incredible strength. You can do anything just for her and her.
"You're right. She will always be there for me just like I am always here for her."
A smile reappears on your lips eventually. You seem relieved now. As I expected.
Always…
Always…
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Always.
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Neh, do you know that sometimes I wish I could be like your Ran?
It's not because I want to be with you….
It's not because I want you to love me...
If I were Ran, I could cry whenever I want without any restraint.
I could cry when I feel so sad or when I feel this unbearable pain.
I could cry when you unintentionally tear this heart of mine over and over again.
But I am Ai Haibara. I'm not Ran Mouri.
I'm not your girl. I'm not your lover.
That is why...
I can put on a smile when I let this all go...
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What hurts the most? Loving someone who cannot love you back or loving someone but never having the courage to tell him how much you love him?
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"I have to work really hard from now on to bring down that organization as soon as possible."
You grit your teeth and clench your hands. Your blazing eyes are full of anger and hatred.
You used to look at me that way.
And it's much easier to say than to do.
But people should have faith and hope. You taught me that.
Even if the future is unpredictable, I should not run away.
Even if I can never find an ending that I want, I still stay and fight.
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Because you are my weakness…
And you are my strength.
...-...-...-...-...-...
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I love you….
In the color of the memories fading away
In the scent of all forgotten days
In the sigh of a butterfly flying astray
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I love you
For what I know and what I don't know
For what I can reach and what I cannot reach
For everything I am and anything I ain't
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I love you
Even when I'm telling those honest lies
Even when I'm alone by my side
Even when I fall down and die
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I still love you.
Like I always do.
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All right. I know this one is so random. No plot at all. Gomen, I'm moody again :(