Yes, yes I know that the last chapter was stupid and I should just give up on humor forever, but I'm doing this to pass the time, you know?
Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro… Who does again? That's right, the one who created it and that isn't me.
Chapter 2:
The Playground and Dress Up
"Ugh. I hate that daycare teacher. She makes me want to beat someone up… HEY, BOSS!" Hamtaro shouted towards Boss who was swinging on the monkey bars right now.
"No!" Boss called back, his brow furrowing down in frustration and he made a face at Hamtaro.
"Ah, cats," Hamtaro said as he snapped his fingers loudly. He started to move towards the swings to find that the girls took them all. They all casted dark looks at him, warning him to stay away.
"Wow, girls scare the living crap out of me," Hamtaro muttered to himself as he saw Bijou get up from her swing and stomp her foot, Pashmina and Sandy copying her expression.
"Hamtaro, maybe we should go in. It looks like it's going to rain right now," Oxnard whispered to Hamtaro. They both looked up in the sky to see that there were a few grey clouds circling up above their heads.
"Ah, it's nothing, Oxy. Just a few clouds is all!" Hamtaro reminded.
Then, Oxnard started shaking and yelled, "Funnel cake! I mean, funnel cloud!"
"Oh, come on, Oxnard. Now you're just being stupid," Stan insulted as he skated to them on his skateboard. Even through this, they all turned their heads up at the sky and saw this tiny cloud smack in the center of the sky.
"What's a funnel cloud?" Hamtaro asked as he looked back at his friends.
Stan shrugged and while Oxnard said, "It's a wormhole that opens up and sucks everything into it! Then, there's Harry Potter at the end and he makes his prisoners become his monkey slaves for all of eternity!"
Stan and Hamtaro raised their eyebrows and frowned at Oxnard, but the food loving kid protested, "Where do you think monkeys come from, then? Huh?"
Hamtaro and Stan looked at each other before screaming, "What do we do to stop the evil Harry Potter guy?!"
Oxnard took a deep breath and told them, "We have do a dance of honor and mercy to make the Harry Potter god stop his funnel magic!"
"DANCE! DANCE, FOR OUR LIVES!" Hamtaro cried and Stan jumped down on the ground to attempt the worm while Hamtaro started to do ballet.
(A/N: Okay, I'm not going to say much about Oxnard because… Well, let's just say that he was jiggly.)
Then, Maxwell and Panda walked over, both speaking about the structure of the big slide and how to attempt the proper way of sliding on it, but stopped dead in their tracks when they caught sight of the horrifying scene.
"Is there a full moon tonight?" Panda whispered to Maxwell, his eyes burning from the disturbance to the once peaceful environment.
"I've got a better question. Are they each having a seizure?" Maxwell asked, his book over his eyes to hide the hideous moves.
"DANCE HARDER! THE CLOUD ISN'T GOING AWAY!" Hamtaro screamed. Stan was panting and started to do the Soulja Boy while Oxnard fell flat on his face from exhaustion. Hamtaro started to break dance, tottering and slipping as he tried to spin on his head.
"Whoa, what's happening to them?" Boss asked, walking over with Cappy at his side who quickly jammed his green hat over his eyes to shield him from the smallest glance.
"Maxwell says that they're having a seizure or whatever," Panda said, putting his hand over his eyes.
Maxwell smiled uneasily as Boss yelled, "I remember Maxwell was the one who said that I was going to explode!"
"Okay, I really wish to sojourn, but I really do have business and errands to attend to, so I bid you goodbye," Maxwell quickly stated and backed up as Boss cracked his knuckles and started moving towards the bookworm.
Maxwell dashed off, tripping on his shoelaces and screaming, "MOMMY! MOMMY! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
The others stared at Maxwell who sprinted off from, but quickly went back to their business.
"We're trying to calm Harry Potter down!" Hamtaro shouted as he rested for a moment while Stan was dragging his body around and Oxnard started to faint from fatigue.
"Hamtaro, I'm worried about how hard you hit your head," Boss murmured, seeing that Hamtaro was attempting the Macarena and Oxnard failing to get up.
Stan, falling next to Oxnard, whined, "I'm going to become a monkey slave now!"
Boss and Cappy backed up about five steps when Laura came over, sipping a cup of coffee.
"What are you guys doing?" she asked as she stared down at what looked like a dead Oxnard.
"We're saving our world from Harry Potter!" Hamtaro exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air, but his body plummeted down to the ground in weakness and he inhaled massive amounts of air through his lungs.
"Uh, ok. Well, as long as you're not playing that doctor game or whatever." She shrugged and was about to take another sip of coffee, but stopped when she looked down and saw that Cappy was staring wide-eyed at her.
"Can I help you?" she asked, sarcasm in her voice.
Cappy pointed at the coffee cup and demanded, "Give me that."
Laura put her index finger on his forehead and scooted him away with it, saying, "I don't think so, short dude."
Cappy stamped his foot and yelled, "I WANT IT!"
"That's too bad!" she sneered, holding the coffee cup out over his head when Cappy started jumping for it.
"BUT I WANT IT!" Cappy screamed, still hopping up and down for the coffee as Laura mocked him more and more.
"No! Coffee bad for Cappy!" Laura protested and tried to push him away from her. Cappy puffed up his cheeks and started to hold his breath and crossed his arms in frustration.
When he was turning blue, Laura snickered, "That's not going to work."
Cappy let all the air out and started breathing again, but yelled, "GIVE ME IT!"
"Why, you spoiled little-" Laura started.
Cappy ran up to Laura and kicked her in the shin with all of his might, red in the face for wanting coffee.
"OW!!!!!! SON OF A-"
While she was knocked down, Cappy took the coffee cup in his hands and chugged it all down his throat. He drained it of its content and dropped the cup, his mouth jittering and twitching. Laura rubbed her shin and started to scold Cappy for doing that, cussing in the process while everyone backed up. Hamtaro, Oxnard, and Stan had stopped trying to get the wormhole to go away and they were shaking with fright right now.
"You shouldn't do that," Panda warned her.
"You should take it back," Stan said as he crossed his arms.
Then, Cappy started to jump up and down, hands manically waving in the air. Laura stopped in the middle of her sentence to see that Cappy had started to try to hop the wall.
"LILLIAN! I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THE EVIL CHIMPANZEES!!!" Cappy yelled, kicking the wall and jumping off of it. Everyone, even Laura, started to slowly back up from the caffeine filled Cappy, whispering his or her wills to each other.
"Hey, Boss! If I make it out alive and you die, can I have your hat?" Hamtaro asked.
"No!"
"Fine, be the meanie face you are."
"Not the time, Hamtaro."
Cappy was now clawing the wall, yelling, "I LOVE YOU LILLIAN! DON'T WORRY, I'LL FIND THE MOTHERSHIP AND SAVE YOU!"
The crazed capped boy whirled around to see Hamtaro, Oxnard, Boss, Panda, Stan, and Laura all closed in together, eyes wide of what Cappy now was. Cappy pointed an accusing and partially shaking finger at Laura.
"Tell me where she is, you insane idiot!" he hissed, his eyes looking as if they were about to light on fire and his teeth clamped together.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"
Cappy cracked his neck and muttered, "Looks like we're going to have do this the hard way."
One minute later…
"THIS IS WHY I HATE KIDS!!!" Laura shrieked as she hung upside down from the highest point of the playground, a rope tied around her ankles that was worn from usage. Cappy held up a pair of scissors and opened and closed them menacingly, a loud cackle of enjoyment escaping from his mouth. It was a sheer twenty-foot drop to the bottom and the blood was going to her head while all of the children were watching.
"Now, tell me… WHERE IS SHE!?" Cappy yelled as he snipped air with his weapon once again, aiming them dangerously close to the rope.
"GREEN DUDE, YOUR DEMENTED! GREEN IS THE COLOR OF PAIN… AND PINCHING ON ST. PATRICKS DAY! And how did I get up here again? OH, YEAH! A ECCENTRIC LITTLE FOUR YEAR OLD RAN UP TO ME AND TIED ME UP WITH A ROPE THAT WAS FOUND IN A DUMPSTER!"
Nearby and sitting on a bench, Hamtaro whispered to Bijou, "Do you think he went a little too far?"
"Are you kidding me? Zhis is vhat I've been vaiting for all day!" Bijou squealed excitingly as she gripped the table in excitement.
"You still talk funny!" Hamtaro giggled and received a sharp slap, knocking him off of the seat he was on.
"TAKE ME TO HER, FOUL TYRANT!" Cappy yelled as he held the scissors towards the rope.
"LET ME DOWN OR I'LL RIP OFF THAT LITTLE HAT OF YOURS AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR SPLEEN!!! Laura screamed, frantically trying to untie herself.
"DIE!!!" Cappy howled as he cut the rope and sent her flying down to the ground.
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Everyone flinched as she hit the ground and Hamtaro checked on her to say, "I think she's dead!"
Suddenly, a hand whipped out and grabbed Hamtaro's ankle, tripping him and he screamed, "ZOMBIE!!! SHE GOT ME! I'M GONNA DIE!!! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!! HOLY CRAP, MY LIFE IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!"
Every kid shrieked at the scene of Hamtaro being dragged by Laura across the playground towards them and they all ran inside with Boss carrying Cappy over his shoulder. Cappy, being the blockhead he now was, screeched, "WHAT DID YOU MAD PEOPLE TO DO HER?!"
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Laura released the grip on Hamtaro and went over to her desk, glaring at every little kid. Each one was silent except for Cappy who was singing "I'm a Little Teapot" and doing somersaults.
"What are we going to do now?" Pashmina whispered as the group when they huddled together.
"Okay, we take a glue bottle and tie it to a spatula. Next, we'll set Dexter up for bait and we'll smack the day care lady into the next dimension and party till we're purple!" Stan said, slapping his hands together in pride.
Everyone stared at him for a long time before Boss said quietly, "I think she means what we're going to play."
"Drat, I like spatulas," Stan muttered.
Then, Bijou burst out, "Let's play dress up!"
All the kids nodded their heads except for Cappy who was doing a disturbing dance that was most likely copied off of Hamtaro earlier.
"I think that we'll leave him, like, out," Sandy whispered to the others.
"But how are we gonna distract that lady fer us to play?" Howdy wondered.
"Observe this!" Maxwell cheered.
Once again, he got a puzzled stare for use of his vocabulary and he sighed, "Just watch me do this."
Maxwell trotted over to Laura who was watching at him the entire time, her face showing pure hatred towards the him and the others.
Maxwell cleared his voice and then spoke in an official tone, "Code blue in the north wing closet."
Laura bolted right up and knocked her chair away, sprinting for the door. She yanked the handle to open the door and quickly locked it while the hams could hear her scream, "THIS IS WHY I JOINED THE FORCE!"
Everyone looked in awe at Maxwell who blew on his knuckles, treating it like it was a gun and Hamtaro yelled, "Whoa! How'd you do that!?"
"Yeah, what does 'Code Blue' mean?" Dexter asked.
Maxwell stopped smiling and replied, "You don't want to know."
"Well, whatever! We're free!" Panda clapped his hands as he said it and they all ran into the closet where there were all the costumes. There were dresses and lab coats (Where Hamtaro had retrieved his famous doctor outfit.), crowns and gloves of all sorts. It was as if it was a mini wonderland that was filled with junk instead of candy. Bijou quickly picked out a long feather boa and wrapped it around her neck, but Cappy, from the other room, ran into the closet and stole the feather boa.
"THIS IS GOING TO ELIMINATE GENERAL BANANA JR. FOR SURE! I'M COMING, LILLIAN! YOU CAPPY IS COMING FOR YOU!" Cappy yelled and ran out of the storage area.
"Argh! 'E stole my fluffy scarf!" Bijou cried out.
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!" A voice called from the main room, frightening the children and making them jump up.
"I know! Let's play the Powerpuff Girls!" Pashmina yipped and everyone except Bijou looked at her as if she was insane.
"That's stupid," Sandy complained. Pashmina shot her a glare and Sandy put both her hands up in the air, acting as if she was innocent.
"You're going to play with us! NOW!" Pashmina roared, stunning Boss and Panda next to her. Bijou reluctantly nodded, a little nervous of Pashmina's outburst. Sandy shuddered at the sound, but couldn't speak when Pashmina dragged her into a green dress.
"NOW YOU'RE BUTTERCUP LIKE IT OR NOT!" Pashmina yelled into Sandy's ear.
"Sir, yes, sir!" Sandy saluted Pashmina and the scarf-wearing girl gave an angry look at the blonde.
"Uh, I mean… MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!" Sandy shouted.
"Good, now move out!" Pashmina demanded and Bijou and Sandy marched out like soldiers. Pashmina quickly followed them, leaving the boys with nothing to do to.
"So, what should we do? They left us out," Boss pouted.
"Well, I suggest courses to ensure our capability of literature led by yours truly for a positive lifetime affect on our education and occupations," Maxwell said and cowered from the stares he got.
"Gee, Max, that would be good… IF WE EVER KNEW WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT!" Boss yelped into Maxwell's ear.
"It's not my fault that you guys are uneducated and illiterate!" Maxwell cried.
"Ah, just shut up, book boy," Howdy hissed, stepping on Maxwell's foot. Maxwell gave a small wail of pain, but remained silent.
"Okay, well I thought that we could make fun of the girls 'cuz they just are annoying me!" Stan whispered. "Like the time that Sandy had took my Kool-Aid! And when she ripped up my Mr. MooMoo-"
"Wait, you had a Mr. MooMoo?" Dexter asked and everyone stared hungrily at Stan for information.
"You idiot!" Stan stated.
"Oh, good. I was about to say-" Howdy cackled.
"HIS NAME WAS MR. JICKLEPEEDON ARSUAWA MOOMOO!" Stan shouted, evilly laughing as he did so. Everyone stared blankly at the boy.
"Oooooooookay, well, as much as I hate to say this, let's go with Stan's idea. Pashmina just scares the heke out of me," Panda said and murmurs of agreement were heard throughout the entire place.
"Wait, what exactly are we doing? Making fun of them girls? How the heke are we supposed to do that!?" Howdy asked furiously. Stan woke up from his evil trance and turned to the boys.
"Like this," he breathed and started stuffing his face in the bin where the costumes were.
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"No, no, Sandy! What's wrong with you?" Pashmina criticized and wagged her index finger back and forth and Sandy got down from the table she was on.
"What? It's not like I can fly, you know," Sandy huffed and folded her arms across her chest. Pashmina's face lit up with excitement and Bijou started to move her hand swiftly across her neck to Sandy, which meant that she was a goner.
"Let's make you fly!" Pashmina squealed. She grabbed Sandy's wrist and hurled her at the bookshelf. Meanwhile, Bijou had cupped her hands over her sapphire eyes, not wanting to see this.
"Like, what are you going to do to me?" Sandy squeaked. Pashmina didn't answer, but instead began to collect the books and pile them on top of her left arm. She walked a couple of steps away and left Sandy standing in front of the chalkboard.
"Okay, this is your test to see if your flying is good or not!" Pashmina declared. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?"
Sandy scratched the back of her skull and silently postulated, "34?"
"Wrong!" Pashmina threw the book with all of her might at Sandy's face, but ending up hitting the chalkboard a few inches away. The book binding cracked and fell to the ground with a thump.
At the moment Pashmina threw the book, the boys trotted in, not wanting to see Stan get ready for his show. They watched open mouthed at how hard Pashmina threw while Maxwell got down on his knees, sobbing and yelling at the ceiling.
"OH, THE INHUMANITY! THE MONSTRONSOTY! HOW WILL YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT WITH YOUR DISPCIABLE HATRED!?" he shouted and pointed a shaking finger at Pashmina. The boys all wove around him and just stared the closet where Stan was, waiting for Stan's plan to go into effect. Bijou, Pashmina, and Sandy just stared blankly at them before bursting into laughter.
"Are you guys mental? What the heke do you think that you're doing, breaking in on my game?" Pashmina questioned, hands on her hips.
"Because the Stan Man is going to show you amateurs how you girls on getting on my nerves!"
Before anyone could say anything, Stan popped out of the closet and everyone gaped at his apparel. He had on a pink scarf and a pink dress over his clothes. He had on a full face of makeup with lip gloss and blue eye shadow and blush. He also had white gloves on that reached his elbows and high heels that he teetered and tottered in.
"OMG! Did you hear about Danny and Erica?" Stan squeaked in a ridiculously high-pitched voice, waving his arms around the room. It was very quiet after that.
"What are you trying to do?" Pashmina yelled after a moment of silence. Stan shakily walked over and got up in her face.
"Well, I'll tell you something, girlfriend," Stan yipped in his voice while head nodding and snapping like his sister used to do. "We're fed up of your controlling! From now on, you're going to follow us."
The girls looked at one another before breaking into hoots of laughter.
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen!" Sandy giggled, clutching her throat as she tried to sound steady. Bijou fell on the floor and started to slap her hands on the ground, tears gushing down her cheeks while Pashmina looked on in amusement.
"Fine! Then, go! Leave us alone!" Stan scowled as ripped off a glove, frustrated that his plan didn't go as hoped.
"Fine! I'm going! And I'm taking my dignity with me!" Pashmina sneered.
She walked over to Sandy, grabbed her wrist, and dragged her to the other side of the room.
"C'mon dignity," Pashmina hissed as she led a complaining Sandy to the wall.
"Okay, bye, Pashmina and her dignity," Hamtaro said as he waved goodbye to get a slap in the back of the head from Stan's glove. Then, the door opened again to see Laura leading another person through the door.
"Yeah, and then I accidently spilled on my Juicy Juice on her lap and I was laughing so hard!" Laura chortled, not bothering to look inside and just looked at her friend. The stranger had almost the shame shade of brown hair as Laura's and it was tied into a ponytail. She had teal eyes and was wearing a Subway uniform. The newcomer peered inside and her face scrunched up in confusion.
"Shouldn't you be concerned about the kid who's practicing his Madonna look?" she asked quizzically at Laura. Laura, still dazed with what looked like laughing, hastily turned her head to see Stan before whipping to her friend.
"Oh, my gosh, no! He's obviously trying to act like Paris Hilton!" she gasped and waved her hand in shame at her friend's ignorance. Then, Stan tripped over his heels and started to move around in a circle on the ground in a hurry to get up. It was kind of disturbing to everyone in the room.
Both girls turned their heads at the same time and chorused, "Lindsay Lohan." (A/N: Okay, that really IS what my friend and I do. It's so funny!)
There was an awkward silence for a while before Laura whipped around to finally realize what Stan was wearing and covered her face. "Holy crow, I have to babysit gay kids now!?"
"Heke? What does that mean?" Hamtaro asked.
"Kid, you're too young to understand," Laura growled as she glared at him.
"Oh! This is one of the topics when I have to go out of the room and start singing the alphabet song while you go talk about it, right?" Hamtaro lamely guessed. Laura slapped her forehead before gesturing an inviting hand towards her friend when Cappy popped his head in their faces from the kitchen.
His eyes lit up with happiness and started to clap his hands together. Cappy started to hop up and down while he screamed, "MISSION COMPLETED! MISSION COMPLETED! YOU HEAR THAT STAR COMMAND? WE HAVE FOUND THE GIRL! I REPEAT, WE HAVE FOUND HER!"
"Whoa, what's with the fuzzy head kid?" Laura's friend inquired and cocked her head at Cappy who was unable to control his emotions as of now.
"It's a long story," Laura sighed and hung her head down. "You may want to run now, though."
She pointed towards a dancing Cappy while she covered her eyes in an attempt to not see the upcoming events.
"Wait, why-" Laura's friend started, but was tackled in the leg by an ecstatic Cappy who hung onto the jeans of the newcomer.
"LILLIAN! I FOUND YOU!" he shrilled and started to squeeze her left leg.
"AGH! WHAT IS THIS THING DOING ON MY LEG!?" the stranger shrieked while waving her arms in the air.
"You might want to run now, Kennedy," Laura suggested while the others slowly nodded their heads in agreement.
Kennedy was about to say something when Cappy started yelling, "I LOVE YOU!"
"RUN! RUN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" Howdy screamed. Kennedy quickly took his advice and brutally kicked Cappy out of her personal bubble.
"NO! WE CAN STILL WORK IT OUT!" Cappy yelled and pounded his fists onto he ground while Kennedy frantically tried to run back to her workplace. Then, out of thin air, the song "Baby, Come Back to Me" played in the background, but was quickly silenced by Dexter who walked over to a radio and shut the music off as he slammed his fist, crumbling it into pieces.
"I hate that song," Dexter muttered.
Cappy ran out into the hallway and started to try to serenade the girl with the same song, but was whipped away by Laura. Cappy was thrashing around as he was herded towards the waiting children.
"SHE LEFT ME! SHE LEFT ME! I'LL GET MY REVENGE!" Cappy wailed and burst into tears as he banged his head against a wall. Laura let the murderous look on her face disappear and then swung around to face Hamtaro.
"Dr. Hamtaro, do you still have one of those straightjackets?"
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Well, that really wasn't funny, but I thought he beginning was. Read and review, ok people? And a big thanks to SoftballStar (aka Kennedy. ROFL!) for "fishing" (Don't ask… Just replace the word with "editing") my first chapter! You're awesome! The people who reviewed last chapter are AWSOME and thanks so much for saying that they were funny.
The Fan Reader: You couldn't breathe at the end?! Wow, I'm… sorry…? But, I'm glad you enjoyed this and I PROMISE that I'll update some of my older stories.
ChargingFowardBlind: Thanks for all of the examples of what you thought was funny. You're awesome!
Chimpmunk4ever: Don't you worry! Like I said earlier, I WILL be updating my older stories in about a week. Definitely Ribbons of Change, Ham Ham High School, and maybe even Hamtaro the Brave. Hang in there!
BabyBlueHamster: Totally awesome with the quotes like CFB did! I love the specifics and I hope you enjoy the rest of what my idiot mind can give you.