Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy. If i did, would I be writing this?
Griffin Family Legends
(Cut to Living Room, still dark, storm is worse)
Lois(from kitchen): Peter, where did you leave the flashlights?
Peter: Uh... I dunno.
(Flashback)
(We see a squirrel running around the front yard with a bag of cheetoh's, Peter is chasing it)
Peter: Come back here ya fuzzy bastard!
(He throws a flashlight at it, but misses and hits a rock, shattering the flashlight)
Peter: Gimme back my cheetoh's!
(Continues to throw flashlights at it, shatterng each one, until it runs up a tree)
Peter: Hey! HEY! Damn fish. Now what am I gonna eat?
(Looks at two remaining flashlights)
Peter: Hmmmmmm...
(End Flashback)
Lois: Well then do you know where some candles are?
Chris: Oh! One time I brought matches to school. Mr. Fargus took them from me and burned all my pencils.
Peter: Hehehehehehehe. Fargus.
Lois: Well we'll need some sort of light.
Peter: Ya you go ahead and do that Alice Cooper. In the mean time, I have another story. The story of a simpler time, and a gentler man who stole from the rich and gave to the poor and the children of the town.
Brian(Sitting on couch): The classic tale of Robin Hood, which originated in-
(Lightning Strike, Thunder Clash)
Brian: AGH! (dives under couch)
Peter: No, that's just stupid. This one is about my supposedly fictional great great great great great great great great great great second cousin twice removed. Robin Hood.
Stewie: Oh, great the story of a generous fortune hunter. Just like Richard Simmons in World War Two.
(Flashback)
(In a bunker, overlooking the battlefield, being bombed repeatedly, everyone is huddled up and covering the ears)
Richard Simmons(In the middle of the room): C'mon boys! We're doing it! Ten more! Stretch those forearms! And rest!
(A grenade flies in and lands behind Richard Simmons)
Richard: Okay! Now get up! Uhuh! Walk towards me! Push out with those arms! Ya-hey what the hell are you doing?
(The soldiers push Richard onto the grenade)
Richard: Work those-KABOOM!
(End Flashback)
Peter: It all began in 1429, in a forest outside of a fictional city called London
(Being Story, in a forest)
(VO): Robin Hood had run away from home and lived in the forest, and decided he needed a purpose in life.
Stewie(as Robin Hood): Spandex pants? Lime green shirt? Bows and Arrows? Oh, fat man this is the worst story I've ever been placed in! When this story's over you're doomed!
(VO): Geez, didn't ya hear me, you decided you need a purpose in life.
Stewiehood: Alright, but I won't be happy about it. Let's see. I could gain world domination. Blast! No electricity. I could um... kill Lois.
Only she's not in this story yet. She should be along soon, she wasn't in the last one at all. Okay, I could steal from the... poor? Blast, what would I steal? Alright, I'll steal from the rich! But what to spend it on? I'll worry about that later. As for now, stealing time!
(VO): But he wouldn't be alone in this struggle, help was on it's way instantly.
(Peter comes crashing through the woods, wearing a brown robe and stands in front of Stewie Hood.)
Peter: Hi, I'm Triar Fu&#(
Stewie Hood: You mean Friar Tuck?
Peter Tuck: So that's why they kicked me out of the monestary. Huh. Anyways, I was wondering if you had any spare change?
Stewie Hood: No, but I'm about to go rob the prince of all his worldly possessions, care to join me?
Peter Tuck: Oh boy, do I! This'll be just like that time I stole that bread and nobody ever found out.
(Flashback)
(Peter Tuck's standing beside an old fashioned bread stall.)
(Random Man walks up to owner)
Rm: Yah, hi. Can I get some bread?
Owner: Sure, here you go.
(Money and bread is exchanged.
Rm: Thanks.
(Starts eating bread)
Rm: Awgh! This is terrible!
Owner: Hey! Just cause I make it in me trousers doesn't mean it's terrible!
(The man throws the bread on the ground in disgust and walks away)
(Peter creeps over to it and picks it up. Looks around, and starts nibbling at it)
(End flashback)
(Now they're standing outside a castle.)
Stewie Hood: Alright, my idea is to swim quickly across the moat, climb the wall, go through the window sneak up two flights of stairs, pick the lock on the treasure room, move in, take what I want, then move to the nearest window, jump out and glide to safety on this.
(Pulls a hang glider out from behind a tree.)
Stewie Hood: Now how would I get it up there? Nevermind, I'll just jump and roll when I land. Okay fat man, if you want to prove your usefulness, follow my directions.
(Stewie swims across moat while sneaking music plays in the background)
(Shows Stewie using axes to climb the wall of the castle, he's sweating tons and climbing almost angrily.)
(Stewie climbs through a window, and sees a guard. He jumps up, snaps the guard's neck, runs to a staircase, and up. He comes to a door.)
(Leans in close, and uses two sticks to pick the lock. He draws a dagger, and pulls the door open and runs in.)
(Peter is standing in front of him, holding two bags of loot.)
Peter Tuck: Geez, there you are. C'mon let's go.
Stewie Hood: What the deuce? How the devil did you beat me up here?
Peter Tuck: What? Oh, I just took the elevator.
(Shows an Elevator beside a giant window with a ladder propped up against the outside of it. A giant bird is shown flying from the window to the ground, then back again. It's wearing a saddle.)
Peter Tuck: See, you could've taken any of those ways up here. C'mon, grab what you want and let's get out of here.
Stewie Hood: Ugh. Alright.
(Stewie Hood grabs crowns, jewels, and gold.)
Stewie Hood: Alright, let's get out of here.
(Elevator Dings)
Stewie Hood: Oh no! Guards will be here any minute! Quick, to the window!
Peter Tuck: Oh! OH! I want to ride the bird!
Stewie Hood: Are you sure that's a good i-
(Peter runs to the window, jumps through it, shattering the glass, and lands on the bird's back. It sqwaks and drops to the ground, crushed by Peter's ass. Peter's shin hits a rock.)
Peter Tuck: Agh! Ow! (Breathes In sharply.) Ah! (Breathes in sharply.) Ah. (breathes in sharply.) Ah.
Stewie Hood: Ugh. Imbecile.
(Runs to the window, jumps on the ladder and slides to the ground. Grabs Peter and runs into the woods.)
(Elevator opens. Two guards walk out)
Guard 1: Did you hear something?
Guard 2: I didn't hear those three words.
Guard 1: Three words?
Guard 2(sadly): Those three words you never say to me anymore.
Guard 1: Well maybe if you talked to me more often!
Guard 2: Whatever! (Starts crying and jumps out the window.)
Guard 1: #& bag.
(Cut to Stewie and Peter running through the woods.)
Peter Tuck: I think we lost them.
Stewie Hood: Good. Now what should we do with this money.
Peter Tuck: Well we took from the rich. We could. I dunno, uh... give to the poor.
(Five seconds of silence. Then both burst out laughing. Laughter lasts for twenty seconds at least.)
Stewie Hood(laughing): Ya, we'll just donate our hard earned cash to those who won't get it themselves.
Peter Tuck(laughing): You! You believed me for a second man! You believed me!
Stewie Hood(laughing histerically): I know! I know!
(They continue laughing, then they finally finish.)
Peter Tuck: Heh. Heh.
Stewie Hood: Ehheh. Heh. Hehhhh.
(Silence)
Stewie Hood: No, we really should.
Peter Tuck: Ya, good idea.
(VO): And so they did. They gave money to the poor, and continued stealing from the rich for years. Until King John heard about them, and decided to stop the madness.
(We see Adam West wearing a crown and cape, sitting in a throne. Meg walks up to him in a peasant outfit.)
Meg: Oh great King John, can I please borrow a single shilling to feed my starving family?
King West: I may be King of England until my mother gets home, but that doesn't mean I need to help the English.
Meg: Then... what do you do?
King West: I help the English by buying toy horses and chariots.
Meg: So... you do help the English?
King West: Guards, throw her in jail!
(Robin from Batman and Robin and Superman run out, pick up Meg, and take her away.)
King West: Good. Good.
(Cleveland walks up to him.)
Cleveland: Hey your Majesty. I heard that Robin Hood is comin to get you and all your riches.
King West: Treason! Guards! Throw him in jail!
(Nothing Happens)
King West: Guards?
(We see superman and robin sitting at a table, smoking.)
Superman: We're on our break, so shut up!
Robin: Ya! We have a right you know!
King West(walks up to them): Says who?
Superman: You! You just signed the Magna Carta fifteen minutes ago!
King West: I've never heard of this Carta, and I definently did not sign him, now back to work!
(Robin and Superman get up and walk to Cleveland)
Robin: Jackass.
(VO): And so Robin Hood and Friar Tuck crept through the woods, to King John's castle.
Stewie Hood(creeping through the woods): Ugh! I hate living in this year that we live in now!
Peter Tuck: Tell me about it, these tights are really startin to ride up in my crotch.
(They come up to Brian, who's wearing a feathered hat.)
Peter Tuck(whispering to Stewie Hood): I'll take care of this.
Peter Tuck: Evening lad, what fine weather thy've been havithing, quite? Prithee thee cake?
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Stewie Hood: Which way to King John's castle?
Brian: Turn left.
(Both turn right)
Brian: Your other left.
Peter Tuck: Don't be stupid, dog. We only have one left. But you said to turn to your left.
Brian: No I didn't.
Peter Tuck: Yes you did!
Brian: (sigh) Alright, turn to my right.
Stewie Hood: Well now you're just trying to make it difficult.
Brian: SHUT THE HELL UP AND TURN AROUND ALREADY!
Stewie Hood: Okay, okay. Geez.
(Stewie Hood and Peter Tuck turn around and see a giant castle.)
(VO): Yes, it was a terrific castle. A giant castle. Glowing gold, with towers thousands of miles high, and a mout bigger than the ocean.
Stewie Hood: Wow. Okay. This could be difficult.
Peter Tuck: Yep, we're screwed.
(Chris comes out of the woods)
Chris: Seek thee entrance to thine castle? Simply thou must-ah forget it, just take the boat.
Peter Tuck: What boat?
Chris: That boat! (points to a tiny rowboat on the edge of the moat. Really tiny.)
Stewie Hood: What are you talking about! I could barely fit in that boat, much less the fat man!
Peter Tuck: Ya, is there any other way?
Chris: Well you could just take the bridge.
(Points to a giant bridge leading to a giant opening in the wall.)
Stewie Hood: Sure, that might work.
(VO): SO they crossed the bridge, and entered the castle. Robin Hood snuck into the treasure room to get some gold, while Friar Tuck stood guard at the door.
(We just see Peter Tuck standing outside an open door in a stone hallway.
Peter Tuck: Robin, this is stupid. There's nobody in here but us.
Stewie Hood: Shut up! I've almost got enough!
Peter Tuck: Well hurry up, I'm bored.
Stewie Hood: (Sigh) fine, I'm coming out.
(VO): Suddenly Adam West, uh I mean... King John swooped in and killed Friar Tuck.)
King West: Hiyyah! Take that evil Friar!
Peter Tuck: Y'know John, I'm getting real sick of your crap. First you put up wanted posters, then you make it too easy to sneak in to your castle, and now you kill me? I mean geez, a freakin sword to the chest, I thought you'd at least have some pride. Y'know what, I-
(VO): And with those heroic last words, Friar Tuck died. And Robin Hood was surrounded with no escape.
(We see Stewie Hood surrounded by guards with their swords drawn and pointing at him, King West is in the middle of them.)
King West: And so I've caught you, Robin Hood. Any last words?
Stewie Hood: Yes, I just want to say that I thought the 2004 Hulk Movie sucked! I mean, it was too long, and most of it didn't make any sense.
King West: Very well thought out words, goodbye.
(VO): And suddenly, Queen Rowena stepped in and defended Robin Hood's life.
(Lois dressed in a queen costume steps in front of King West)
Queen Lois: Johnny! What the hell is this? Are you gonna kill an innocent child?
King West: But mommy, he stole my money!
Queen Lois: I don't want to hear it! Now go to your room! No supper for you tonight!
King West: But Moooom, it's spaghetti night!
Queen Lois: One!
King West: Mooooom!
Queen Lois: Two!
King West: Okay, okay, I'm going.
(VO): And with that, King John was sent to bed, and Robin Hood's life was spared. Now I need a beer.
Finished! One more story, and anything could happen!
Might make more if this goes well, and next, Peter will
tell us the tragic love story of (#()#)(! and !!&&(&)