"Hermione!"
Gay,
"Hermione!"
Gay, gay, gay,
"Hermione?"
"I'm gay!"
"What?" said two startled voices.
"As in happy. I think we should put that word back into usage. People are so afraid of seeming homosexual that 'gay' is now never used to connotate the illustrious 'happy and gay' phrase of the Old World. I think we should give 'gay' a renaissance. I was going to make badges that said 'Gay Does Not Only Mean Homosexual, It's Also an Archaic Form of Happy,' but I couldn't fit it and 'Make Gay the New Happy' sounded too camp," she made up desperately.
"Uh," Harry began.
"Er," Ron put in. Harry looked confused but quickly began giving suggestions.
"How about 'Gay Equals Happy' with the equals being an equals sign?" he suggested.
"Or, if you like, you could fit the longer slogan by cutting it into pieces. You could use a flashing charm mixed with a sliding charm to flash it in bits. You could even change the color of each section," Harry continued thoughtfully. Hermione gave him a watery smile.
"Yeah, or your slogan could be 'Gay Means Happy You Wanker!" Ron suggested. Harry punched him playfully. Hermione pursed her lips in a mock frown.
"We're going to be late for class," she chastised lightly. As they hurried down the hall, Hermione realized what good friends she had.
Gay, It's not just happy any more, she thought and wondered why her life had become so confusing.
Hermione placed Rainbow Rules; Restrictions and Bans placed on the Homosexual Wizarding Lifestyle in the Past 200 Years in a pile for reshelving and picked up Accio My Man, A Gay Wizard's Guide to Dating. She had not given up her quest for answers. Now that she had identified herself with this hitherto unrecognized part of wizarding society, she was determined to find out everything she could on the topic. She had stationed herself in the library, only coming out for meals and classes. Harry had commented that she was studying an awful lot, even for her standards and that her new campaign for G.E.H. could wait, but Ron put it down to the not so secret pop quiz that Flitwick had hinted about.
"You know she's going to do corking anyway," Ron whined in the halls. "She doesn't even need to study!" Hermione had just grinned grimly.
Much of the information she had been memorizing may have seemed pointless to an outsider, but Hermione felt reassured when she could name the date and location (1991, Stratford on Avon) of the first annual Gay Wizarding Pride Festival, the wizard who had invented and marketed the first Playwizard's Men for Men catalogue (Darryl the Deviant), and knowing when magical lube had become legal in England (May 1st 1978). These facts and tidbits reaffirmed her revelation and made her feel in control of the situation. Not that she would admit to it, as such.
It was Thursday and Malfoy seemed to have forgotten about his girlfriend, which was why Hermione was so surprised when he sauntered over to her table and lazily sat down, charming his quill in idle circles around his wrist. The last Hermione has seen him was briefly Wednesday morning. He had accosted her in the Great hall and given her an awkward pat on the arm followed by a watery smile on his way to the Slytherin table. No one had noticed except Padma Patil who had cocked her head but said nothing. Hermione arched an eyebrow when Malfoy remained quiet. He looked pleasantly surprised. Only Malfoy, she thought, would consider a facial tic his own personal trademark and take it as a compliment when others employ it. She barely restrained her eye rolling. After five more minutes of silence except for the highly irritating swish of Malfoy's quill, Hermione broke the ice.
"Finally realized that having a girlfriend requires spending time with her?" she asked a bit nastily. After all, Malfoy was interrupting her precious study time. Malfoy gave her a sulky look.
"No one believes that you're my girlfriend anyway," he huffed. "When I told Pansy she just laughed her head off and Blaise snorted into his pudding. I asked you, you said yes! Why does everyone have such trouble comprehending this?"
"It could be due to the fact that we don't do any of the things that dating couples do. We don't hold hands, we don't spend time together, we don't write each other horribly sappy notes during classes, we don't have displays of public affection." Here Malfoy looked slightly green.
"Or that we're both gay," he suggested leeringly. Hermione sighed.
"That has nothing to do with it," she said primly.
"Ah, Granger has finally admitted she likes the ladies has she?" he smirked. Hermione pursed her lips into a frown.
"Granger finally owns up to enjoying the pleasures of the fairer sex," Hermione gave him a darker glare.
"Granger finally confesses her penchant for muff diving!" he crowed even as Hermione knocked him off his chair and wrestled him to the ground with his hands covering his mouth.
"If you ever say anything like that ever, for any reason," she hissed in his ear, "I will make sure that you are never able to enjoy your own proclivities ever again." Malfoy blanched and his eyes bulged unattractively. She let him go and slid soundlessly into her seat. Malfoy righted himself and gave Hermione a look of newfound respect.
"Right, back to business. I need the rest of Hogwarts to know of our deep undying love and happy coupledom. What do you suggest?" Hermione allowed herself a brief smirk while keeping her smug satisfaction to a minimum in her inflection.
"Well, I gave you a quick list earlier and I think we should stick to a few key points. Too many points confuse the matter. I would recommend holding hands, spending a bit of time together, say once every day or two, and public displays affection every so often. I will make the list and schedule; you can work on gossip and all political maneuvering." She continued to ramble on in this vein for some time, leaving Malfoy wondering what exactly he had put into motion. He exited the library an hour later, quite in awe of Hermione's sizable brain.