­ The funeral was two days later. I cried silent tears for the baby boy I had lost. I looked in front of me were a tiny coffin stood. All our family and friends had come. They mourned for the boy they hoped to know and for Lucas and I who had lost so much. I decided to give a eulogy at baby Myles's funeral.

"Myles, my sweet boy and mommy's little man. You were here for just a short time, but you have change mine and daddy's lives forever. You were so strong and so brave for so long. I know you were tired and I know that one day, we will meet again. I will miss you forever. Goodbye sweet boy. Mommy loves and misses you more than you could ever know, at least to the moon and back."

I started to cry and Lucas got up and held me tight. I felt safe in his arms. I looked out on our family and friends as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Myles was buried next to Keith. I saw Maia sitting with Lola on her lap. Our girls, how sad for them to have lost someone they had been so excited to meet. When the funeral ended, we went home. I sat on the couch in our living room for what felt like days. Life passed me by. I didn't talk to Maia, Lola or Luke. Every night when I walked to my bedroom, I felt sick walking by the nursery. It had been finished. It was ready for Myles to come home, but he never would. He would never live in my home, and he would never live. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep most nights.

One day, I waked out of my room and passed the nursery. I opened the door and walked inside. I had only seen the finished room once before, about a week after Myles was born. I looked at the walls painted a soft blue and the clean white furniture he was meant to use. Above the changing table on the wall, there were soft bubble letters spelling out his name. I touched them. For that moment I felt closer to him. I sat down in the rocking chair and mourned. I had mourned just months earlier in the same room for my marriage, glad that I had a new baby to look forwards to. Now, my husband was not as distant, but I had no baby to look forward to. I mourned for my little boy who would never get to fall asleep in this room. My boy who would never sleep in the comfort of my arms or be bathed in the strong hands of his father, my boy who would never wake me up for a feeding at obscure hours of the night. I longed to hear the cry of my baby echoing throughout my house. I mourned for the experiences he would never have. He would never know the joys of playing, laughing or loving. He would never play basket ball with his dad or his sisters and he would never run to me after he scraped his knee. I cried for hours until I had no more tears. I was still supposed to be pregnant, only eight months along.

I hadn't seen Peyton or Haley since the funeral. Seeing them made me hurt. They were still pregnant, their babies thriving within them. My baby no longer thrived within me. He no longer even lived on this planet. Seeing them reminded me of what they would have in coming months and what I may never have again.

By the time my original due date came, the gravestone for Myles's grave was in place. On his actual due date, Lucas and I went down to the cemetery. I knelt in front of his grave and ran my fingers over the words.

Myles Eugene Scott

March 6, 2020-April 2, 2020

Beloved Son and Brother

I cried once again for our boy and Lucas and I held each other tightly as we remembered the brief moments we had with our boy. I had read a poem which I placed in a frame with Myles's picture. It read,

I think of you often
and make no outward show,
But what it means to lose you,
no one will ever know
You wished no one farewell,
not even said good-bye,
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
You are not forgotten
nor will you ever be,
As long as life and memories last,
I will remember thee.
To some you may be forgotten,
to others a part of the past,
But to me who loved you dearly,
your memories will always last.
Nothing can be more beautiful
than the memories I have of you.
To me, you were someone special,
God must have thought so too!
If tears could build a staircase
and memories a lane,
I would walk all the way to Heaven,
and bring you back again.

The poem showed all of my emotions and I left the frame out on the mantle. I looked at it everyday and I grew stronger. Haley and Peyton had had their babies, but had not seen them. I sent gifts over, but it was still too hard to see their babies, healthy and growing. Peyton had a little girl, Allyson Morgan. I had seen a picture and she was beautiful. Haley had a little boy, just like me. She and Nathan named him Michael James. Lucas told me that they had planned on naming him Noah, but decided on Michael after Myles. It was sweet, but I still couldn't visit them. That would just take a little more time, and I hoped that they understood why I hadn't come by yet.