I stayed down there until winter. Reza came every week and we conspicuously avoided discussing Christine. I missed her with a physical pain over and above the usual psychic anguish I endured when we were apart. The ache centered in my chest and gut; it felt like a hole. Some nights I wanted her so, I couldn't sleep; but I refused to consider buying a woman. I would never have believed I could be more miserable than I was when she left me for her perfect boy, but I was.
"Erik, I know we have an unspoken agreement, but I must bring up Christine. Now that the Christmas season is upon us, she is turning very weepy again. If—"
"Why?" I snapped. "That makes no sense."
"I know that, my friend; who knows what sets them off? Gaston insists that they get like this about Christmas, and birthdays. He sends his regards, by the way."
"You should bring him along. I miss the fat little so-and-so."
He nodded. "Now, about Christmas. If you would come for Christmas Eve dinner, and sing some carols with her…she wants to trim a tree; perhaps go to Mass—"
"Forget it."
"Alright, alright; perhaps that was a bit much. But if you would come, Erik, I know that it would make her Christmas. At least think on it. You don't want to sit down here alone when—"
"Reza, Christmas means nothing to me! Do you suppose my loving mother thrilled me with tales of Papa Noel when I had no chance of ever being a good boy? You're not even Christian, man; what the devil is wrong with you?" I spat.
"If you could see her, Erik. She looks like a pitiful little ghost, trying to festoon the house with greens and bows. If you won't come for her sake, will you come for mine? It breaks my heart to see her," he mourned.
"Well then, you should apply yourself to convincing her of the error of her ways. All she has to do is apologize, and I'll be right home. Erik has swallowed more than his share of pride where that little morsel is concerned."
"You're really going to spite yourself on this; you're that determined not to give in," he said with amazement.
"How many times should I let her break my heart, Daroga; tell me, because I don't know. This living heart, which I would cut out for her if she asked me to—you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for her! And yet, she cannot have the least bit of faith in me. I don't want to discuss this anymore."
"Will you consider it, at least?" he asked, dejected.
"Yes," I laughed bitterly. "I will give it all the consideration it merits."
"Well, I suppose I'll be going then," Reza sighed, rising slowly. "Oh, I forgot to tell you; her marriage was annulled. She received word several weeks ago."
Christine was free! The idea was a knife twisting in my misshapen heart. I should be planning my wedding, I thought, not sitting down here with rats and mildew. Why couldn't she believe in me?
"Erik." I turned from my reading.
"Christine!" Thank god I was presentable. "Come in; may I offer you tea? Wine?" She looked exquisite; my famished eyes devoured her.
"No, thank you. Erik, we must talk. Please."
"Of course." Oh, god.
Christine sat facing me, stiller than I've ever seen her. I hardly recognized her; she seemed to be such a woman. When she spoke, her voice was calm and decisive.
"I know that you understand that murder and lies are wrong, Erik. At least, you know that other people think they're wrong. You knew that I would believe your half-truths; you knew that I wanted to believe you, and that I would hear what I wanted to hear in your words. And yet, somehow, you really don't understand why it was wrong to kill Josette. You don't think it was really a lie to say you wouldn't pursue Josette, even though you knew all along that you would find a way to circumvent your promise to me. Or that it was really a lie to say what you said when I asked you if you'd killed her. I know that you have a way to make these things alright in your own mind."
"Erik, I know that you would never deliberately hurt me, but you must understand that these lies do hurt me; more than if you were to strike me. I know you would do anything for me; you think it is a measure of your love that you would do murder for me. But what of not doing murder for me? Could you have let her live for my sake?"
I couldn't answer her; I am not sure she expected me to. I couldn't even look at her. I hung my head, just as I had as a boy, when my mother reminded me what an eternal disappointment I was to her.
"I know you were afraid of Josette pursuing you—or what you'd do when she caught up to you, but we could have dealt with that together. I know you didn't care anything for her; she was no threat to me. And Erik, it's not your responsibility to eliminate everyone who hurts me or wishes me ill. There are other ways."
Silent tears had been falling down my face for some time, but I was beginning to sob uncontrollably, and I wanted to run. I leapt to my feet, but Christine halted me.
"You can't run away, Erik; that's not the way we do things anymore."
I didn't run away. I paced, whined, sobbed, wrung my hands, couldn't breathe, and ultimately fell to my knees in despair. Suddenly, Christine was with me, comforting me. I had thought I'd never feel myself in her arms again, but she held me and let me cry till I was done. My head pounded and my ribs ached as she sat down with me. She removed my mask and made me rest my worthless head on her bosom. She stroked my hair while I clung to her like a baby monkey.
"I want you to come home with me, if you want to. But things will be different, do you understand? Erik, you must learn how to be more like other people in some very important ways. You must learn to trust me. You must learn how to be angry and not lash out. You must learn to tell the truth, even if it means you're going to get into trouble for it. You should have learned all these things when you were a little boy, my Angel; but you didn't, and it's not your fault. You're not bad, Erik; do you believe me?"
She made me look at her. I nodded yes and tried to smile; but no, I didn't believe it. I shook my head and hid in her arms again.
"No, I know you don't believe me now, but you will. There is so much I'm only just beginning to understand about you—and probably myself, too. We have a lot of talking to do, my Love. "
She stood, holding out her hand.
"Will you come home with me now? It's dark outside; it's alright."