A/N: So this is a short chapter, but as I try to keep flashbacks and present storylines separate, I feel it says as much as it needs to say.
Chapter 7Pangs
"This is big, Spike. It's always been big."
He nodded, knowing exactly what she was saying. That night, that last night…He'd always thought it was just two crazy high school kids, freshly graduated, liberated. No. He'd always told himself that's what it was. "So, you want some breakfast or something?"
Her brow furrowed. "You don't wanna talk about this?"
He stood and placed a lingering kiss to her forehead, breathing in the scent of her at the same time. "We've got time for that, love."
"We do," she smiled.
"Now, if I recall correctly, you're more of an omelets than pancakes girl."
"You know it. With lots of cheese."
"Coming right up."
Buffy reached up to kiss him on the nose. "I'm gonna go check my messages."
"Ok, pet." He watched her dance out the kitchen door, chuckling to himself. Well you are just buggered right and proper. And you have been since tenth grade.
"It was Willow!" She yelled from the bedroom. "I'm just gonna call her real quick!"
"Tell her I said hey!" Satisfied that it wasn't Captain Cardboard, he turned to the task at hand. If Buffy wanted a cheesy omelet, a cheesy omelet she would get.
It was done by the time she came back into the kitchen with much less enthusiasm than when she had exited. Numbly, she hung up the phone. Spike, seated at the table, looked up at her with a smile.
"What did Willow want, love?"
"Dad's sick," she mechanically replied, staring at the floor. A wave of nausea hit her, and she rushed to the bathroom. She shut the door and gripped the edges of the sink, breathing heavily. Her entire body shook, and then as suddenly as it had arrived, the sick feeling passed. Serenely she straightened her back. She looked into the mirror. Be strong, she admonished her reflection.
Spike leapt up from his seat as she emerged, concern marking his face like a flag. "I've called the airline. The next flight out is tonight at nine, I've booked us two tickets."
"Oh, Spike," she hesitated, "thank you , but you don't have to come with me."
"I want to, kitten."
"No, you're just being nice. Besides, I can handle this. It's my father. I'll be fine." As she blew him off, Buffy marched through the apartment to the bedroom, where she began to pack her things.
"Love, let me come with you. I can help."
She looked at him sharply. "What can you do to help? He's had a stroke and has yet to wake up. Are you going to wake him?"
"I want to be there for you. I love you. I want to help you. There's only one thing I've ever been sure of: You." He drew in a breath, taking in her shocked expression, but decided to press on. "Look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're The One, Buffy."
Tears threatened to spill as she gathered up her bags and calmly walked out. Spike just watched her go.
The flight back to California for Buffy was filled with much of the same feelings as before: trepidation, guilt, anxiety and a great deal of sadness. How could she have just walked out on him after all the wonderful things he'd said? Why was she always pushing people away when she needed them the most? She'd done it to Riley, too. But he'd never opened himself up to her entirely, either. I'm still making excuses, she thought while a man in a suit snored next to her, I've always cut myself off, always. Losing my mother made me different, but it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me, I just slip away. Just like today.
Willow met her at the airport and drove her back to Sunnydale. The concerned redhead tried to chat with Buffy during the car ride, but she had slipped away again and only answered in monosyllabic phrases.
"Geeze Buff," Willow quipped, "if I'd have known you'd be so quiet I would have brought Oz along for the ride."
Buffy looked up at her like a deer caught in headlights. Immediately Willow realized that she'd said something wrong.
"Hey, I'm not complaining. You've got a lot on your mind. Go back to Buffyland."
"No Will, you're right. I'm sorry I've been so resistant to conversation when you've been so wonderful to come and pick me up." She took a deep breath and looked sideways at her friend. "Spike wanted to come back with me and I told him not to. He says he's in love with me."
"Buffy, I don't understand."
"He's he first person since…Angel that's made me feel anything and I refused to let him help me. I walked out on the man I love because I'm scared, and now he's across the continent and I think I've made a horrible mistake." Finally she felt the tears being to flow. All internal dams broke loose and she sobbed uncontrollably as Willow pulled into the hospital parking lot.