Chapter 7: Partner Troubles
Kakuzu was usually the silent type. He didn't talk much, and when he did, it was generally about money. However, his quiet veneer concealed an explosive temper. When he got angry, he really got angry. This had gotten him into a lot of trouble in his home village, Hidden Waterfall. When he joined the Akatsuki, he was dismayed to learn that he would be expected to work with a partner. Having to put up with someone else's weaknesses and annoying habits was one of the things that was guaranteed to set off his temper.
His first partner was a missing-nin from Hidden Sand named Higuchi Arai. Arai had vivid green eyes and spiky black hair. His most distinctive physical feature was a long scar that ran along the right side of his face from temple to chin, narrowly missing the eye. He wielded a naginata, and was a deadly expert at genjutsu. He could sneak up on an enemy and kill them before they ever knew anything was wrong.
Unfortunately, he also possessed an attitude towards money that was the exact opposite of Kakuzu's thriftiness. Whenever he was given the responsibility of finding lodging for himself and Kakuzu, he inevitably chose the most luxurious, expensive hotel in town. When Kakuzu delegated the task of getting food to him, he got takeout from the best restaurant in the area. When Kakuzu complained to him about his spending habits, he just shrugged.
"The bounty on that last guy we killed was over 50,000 ryou. It's not like we don't have enough money."
Kakuzu gritted his teeth. "That's not the point. This money has to last us—and the other seven—until our next target."
"So? There's, like, a bazillion guys with bounties on their heads. And for people as powerful as us, killing any of them won't exactly be a challenge."
Kakuzu's fists clenched, and he closed his eyes, trying to rein in his growing annoyance. "Look, just…stop spending so much money all the time, okay? That's all I'm asking."
Arai grinned and clapped a hand on Kakuzu's shoulder. "Aw, come on, what's the point of having money if you don't spend it? You really should loosen up, Kakuzu-san. How about this: you and I can go out for drinks—there's a great bar a couple of blocks from here. And later, maybe you and me can hire a couple of geishas for the night." He winked.
That was it. Kakuzu's tenuous hold on his rage snapped.
Five seconds later, Arai was dead.
Kakuzu told everyone else that Arai had died on a mission. It was technically true—they had been on a mission at the time of Arai's death.
Kakuzu's second partner was named Matsumura Chinzei. Chinzei was a tall, lithe woman with bright orange hair. (Looking between her and the blue-haired Komai, Kakuzu wondered if there was such a thing as a kunoichi with a normal hair color.) Her weapon of choice was a set of nunchaku, and she specialized in earth-element ninjutsu. This would all have been well and good…except that she had a habit of flirting with anything that was male and had a pulse.
This was especially problematic because Kakuzu fulfilled both of those criteria. For that matter, so did six of the other seven Akatsuki members. Chinzei quickly learned that hitting on Deidara was a really good way to get beaten up by Sasori's puppets, and that a brick wall would respond to sexual advances before Itachi did. The next thing Kakuzu discovered about Chinzei was that the "male" criterion for being a target of her flirting was apparently optional—judging by the look on Komai's face, she was surprised to find that out too.
None of this would have been a huge issue if Chinzei hadn't turned her attention to Kakuzu whenever they went on a mission together. She would twirl a lock of her hair around her finger, smile seductively at him, and "accidentally" brush his hand with her own. When they sparred, she always managed to arrange things such that she ended up either pinned under him or pinning him down. Needless to say, Kakuzu didn't appreciate this and tried everything he could to make her realize that he wasn't interested. It didn't work.
"Kakuzu-san, why do you always stay so covered up in that robe and mask? I'm sure a man like you doesn't have anything to be ashamed of."
Kakuzu grunted and pulled out the notebook in which he kept all of the Akatsuki's income and expenses meticulously listed.
"That special jutsu you use with your hands is quite impressive. Of course, I'm sure you can do other things with your hands that are even more impressive."
Kakuzu groaned inwardly and started running his eyes down the list of the past month's expenses. Must remain calm. Must not kill another partner.
"And of course, I've always been a fan of the strong, silent type."
Kakuzu started counting to ten, trying to calm his seething anger. He'd always heard that counting to ten before you said or did anything helped with that.
"You know, I've been doing a lot of taijutsu training recently. I've become very…flexible…"
Looking back on the incident, Kakuzu was impressed with his restraint. He'd counted all the way up to eight before he gave up and killed her.
A few months later, Kimura Hidoshi, the Akatsuki's reclusive leader, summoned Kakuzu to a meeting. Kakuzu could guess why. Hidoshi was probably going to present him with a new partner. I hope this one is less annoying than the last two. If I keep killing my partners, eventually Hidoshi-sama will stop believing that they've all "accidentally" died during missions.
"Kakuzu-san, I have good news: we've recruited a new partner for you. His name is Matsushita Hidan." Hidoshi gestured, and a man stepped out of the shadows. Hidan was a fairly short, muscular man who carried a huge triple-bladed scythe. He wore his Akatsuki robe open almost to the waist, and a pendant with an obscure religious symbol rested on his bare chest. He seemed quite young, perhaps two or three years older than Itachi.
"It's good to meet you, Kakuzu-san," Hidan said.
Kakuzu nodded slowly. "I hope that we will be able to work together well."
"Oh, I'm certain you will," Hidoshi interjected. "I know you've had troubles with your partners dying on missions, so I made sure to find someone a bit sturdier. I don't think Hidan-san will have any unfortunate accidents…will he?"
Oh. Hidoshi's tone made it clear that he knew exactly how Kakuzu's previous two partners had died. "No, I'm sure he will be just fine," Kakuzu replied.
"Good. Now, for your first mission…"
Their first mission was relatively simple: one of the Akatsuki's spies had betrayed them, and Kakuzu and Hidan were to assassinate the man. The mission itself went well enough. The target was killed and no witnesses were left behind. The problem came afterward.
"Um…Hidan-san…what are you doing?"
Hidan was kneeling on the ground, arms outstretched to either side, head bowed. "I'm giving thanks to the gods for allowing us to successfully complete our mission."
"Okay…how long do you think this is going to take? It's getting kind of cold out here."
"The completion of the ritual takes about half an hour. But it'll take longer if you keep asking me questions every five seconds, seriously."
Kakuzu took a deep breath. So the guy's kind of religious. I can live with that.
And Kakuzu could have lived with it, if Hidan hadn't insisted on performing his ritual after every single battle. And if he hadn't complained so much about absolutely everything. And if he had been capable of uttering more than one sentence in a row without swearing. After a month, Kakuzu was ready to kill his new partner. He only refrained from doing so by reminding himself of how angry Hidoshi would be.
"Seriously, why the hell do we have to stop at these goddamned bounty stations all the time? It makes our missions take so much longer."
"Hey, I put up with your stupid ritual, you can put up with me earning a bit of money for the organization."
"Don't call my ritual stupid, you dumbass! Whenever I kill someone, it's a sacrifice to the gods, and it's only appropriate to pray afterward."
"So you get to make your sacrifice or whatever, what's wrong with making a little money from it?"
"What's wrong is that we keep having to make these detours out into the middle of fucking nowhere, to these bounty stations that always smell horrible, just so you can make a few ryou. It really pisses me off!"
Okay, that's it. I've put up with him for a month. I don't care if Hidoshi-sama gets pissed at me, this bastard is going to die! Kakuzu launched one hand forward and clenched it around Hidan's throat. For some odd reason, Hidan didn't raise his own hands to pry Kakuzu's fingers apart. He just stood there. Of course, having witnessed Hidan's fighting style, Kakuzu knew that he could withstand a ridiculous amount of pain. He had even seen Hidan stab himself in the chest, puncturing a lung and probably only barely missing his heart. But even if he didn't care about pain, he should be feeling the effects of oxygen deprivation. He must know he was dying, so why wasn't he resisting? Kakuzu squeezed harder, and felt Hidan's neck snap.
Well. Now I don't have to put up with that idiot anymore. Damn, that felt good. Now I just have to figure out how to explain this to Hidoshi-sama…
"What the hell did you do that for?! Do you have any idea how damn much that hurts?" Kakuzu looked down—and nearly collapsed from shock. Hidan was sitting up and rubbing his neck. He glared up at Kakuzu from the floor. "Well don't just stand there gaping like an idiot. Use some medical ninjutsu to knit the vertebrae back together—it'll be a pain in the ass if I have to wait for it to heal on its own, seriously."
Kakuzu blinked. "Why aren't you dead?"
"What the hell do you mean? I can't die. Seriously, what part of 'immortal' do you not understand?"
"You're immortal?"
"Yeah, didn't Hidoshi-sama tell you that? I don't age, I don't get diseases, and I can't die from injury." He grinned. "You're stuck with me."
In the street outside, passerby jumped as a cry of "Hidoshi-sama, you bastard!" echoed from inside the inn, followed by a crash as Kakuzu put his fist through the nearest wall in frustration.
A/N: Poor, poor Kakuzu. Hidan is such a fun character to write dialogue for. But shame on him for killing Asuma-sensei! Next up: Tobi.