We made it to the last genre! Cheering, rejoicing, slapping abound!
Chapter 12: Action In The M-I-X
The final genre has arrived! And it's gonna be action-packed with lots of explosions! And slow motion! And swords! And guns! And car chases! And mediocre dialogue! It don't got to make sense! So let's do it!
Luigi: I want my hat back. (Matrix-dodges his hat, which was thrown at him, hat hits wall and explodes)
AJ: Cool. Now let's see. Which anime got the action necessary…?
The roof blows up.
All: (looking up)
Spike, Yusuke, Hiei, Kurama, the Sanzo Party, and Ash jump through the enormous hole. Ash lands on Bowser and is stabbed to death.
Junpei: Oh, who now?
Spike: (looking around) You said there'd be no pets here.
AJ: …We talked?
Gojyo: Great. All the girls here are either princesses or too young for me.
Sanzo: Get over it…
Samus: (keeping quiet to prevent Gojyo from knowing about her availability)
Bowser: (washing the blood off his body)
Ness: Where's the action?
The TV turns on.
TV: Breaking news! A mysterious, uber-powerful, evil force has kidnapped Master Hand and Crazy Hand, the Hands that organize the famed Super Smash Bros. Melee competitions. It "manufactures" minions highly trained in martial arts, weapon/firearm use, swimming, driving, and knitting socks for teddy bears. No one knows where they are being held but- wait…we have visual! Let's go to Adam. Adam, what do you see?
Adam: TV, this is some freaky sh*t happening here! There's this big, shadow-covered mansion, there's- you can actually hear the evil, maniacal laughing in the atmosphere. I don't hear the Hands, but we've predicted that they may be being used as…"Enlarged Instruments of Pleasure". Yeah. The force is probably horny and needs some help. EIP seems correct to me.
TV: Adam, you're a perv.
Adam: What?
The TV explodes. Marth blocks multiple pieces of shattered glass with Falchion.
Falcon: Should we save them?
Ilpalazzo: A better question is…how did the guy in the green uniform end up in the sky? And wasn't the redheaded homosexual already here as well?
Kurama: I'm not…(sighs)
Link: We need action. This is our action.
Mario: (eating pudding mixed with oatmeal) Fine.
AJ: …We need motorcycles.
In a huge garage somewhere in the mansion
Falco: There's 40 of them.
Kirby: (looking for a Wheelie)
Jigglypuff: Somebody carry me. I can't drive.
Pichu/Pikachu: Me neither.
Mewtwo: (levitates the Pokemon)
Yoshi: (wearing shades) Anyone else have any ridin' troubles?
All: No!
Yoshi: All right. Let's get it on. (jumps onto a green motorcycle, revs)
5 minutes later
(I'm not doing a list of everyone's ride, cause that'd take too long. You'll know 'em when you know 'em.)
Mario: (on a red motorcycle) Let's-a go.
Everybody drives/flies out of the garage. They drive/fly from a ramp to a highway. Yeah. That fast.
AJ: (on an icy blue motorcycle) Where'd the highway come from?
Yoshi: (on a green motorcycle, shrugs, almost loses control of bike)
Sheik: (on a dark blue motorcycle) That place is dead ahead…?
Bowser: (on a large, spiky chopper) It's action, not action/adventure.
Y. Link: (on one of those green mini-bikes) Speaking of action…
Everyone looks straight ahead at a convoy consisting of 12 tractor-trailers.
Pikachu: Mewtwo, you should stay out of this.
Mewtwo: Whatever.
The trailers split in half, revealing 60 different, black-leather clad cyborg warriors standing in formation.
All: (watching) …
The cyborgs jump straight up while the trucks explode. Mewtwo blocks the debris. The cyborgs, now with wheels for feet, and bootleg Gunblades for weapons, land on the empty highway and speed towards our heroes and villains. Each motorcycle sprouts training wheels for balance.
AJ: (GBA turns into floating ice-blue sparks) Ready guys?
Mario: (quickly finishes pudding) Yeah!
(freeway war!)
Marth: I'm a natural at this. (stands on seat, evades Gunblade fire, slices a cyborg's head off in slow motion)
Sanzo: (firing at cyborgs with Banishing Gun)
Mario: (throwing pudding cups and fireballs at cyborgs)
Bowser: (literally eating Gunblade fire) That all you got? (grabs two cyborgs, cracks their heads…in slow motion)
Yoshi: (jumps off motorcycles, turns into an egg, rolls at high speed into multiple cyborgs, destroying them, rolls back to bike) Didn't think that'd work. (swallows a cyborg)
Kirby: (doing the same, spitting stars at other cyborgs)
Samus: (charging Ice Beam, jumps straight up, fires at 3 cyborgs, freezing them solid)
DK: (grabs a frozen cyborg, blocks Gunblades with it, whacks cyborg over the head, both cyborgs explode in slow motion) Nice.
Kurama: (tripping cyborgs with Rose Whip) This is just too easy.
Hiei: You sound like you're complaining. (slashes through 4 cyborgs so fast that it takes them 4 seconds to split into multiple pieces)
Yusuke: It's not like he's lying or anything. (taking aim) SPIRIT GUN! (fires through the heads of multiple cyborgs in slow motion…and they blow up too)
Hakkai: And you have to admit…(charging energy ball in his hands) this is pretty fun. (fires straight ahead, destroys 2 cyborgs completely)
Goku: You got that right! (kicks cyborg in the head, spins around and does the same to another)
Fox/Falco: (firing away, Reflecting Gunblade fire)
Ness: (setting several cyborgs on fire, paralyzing several others)
Ice Climbers: (on same bike guarding each other with their hammers)
Luigi: These things suck. (runs over one)
Peach: (hitting cyborgs with a golf club)
Falcon: (elbowing random cyborgs)
Junpei: (doing the same)
Ritsuko: (throwing grenades at cyborgs, blowing them up)
Ilpalazzo: (pulls out electric guitar, blade sticks out of handle) It doubles as a sword. Just in case. (stabs through a cyborg's chest, striking a chord…in slow motion)
Excel: (marveling at Ilpalazzo's hotness, manages to veer off the road into a river)
Roy: Only 10 left. (slices 2 cyborgs in half with flaming Sword of Seals, cyborgs explode)
Spike: When do we get to the real action? (shoots cyborg in the head)
Gojyo: Guess you gotta wait. (slices through 2 cyborgs with crescent blade of shakujou)
Link: (blocks Gunblade shot with shield, stabs a cyborg) 4.
Mr. G&W: (flings sausage at cyborg, creates huge dramatic explosion) 3.
All: Damn.
Pikachu: (hits one with a Thunderbolt, pops it) 2.
AJ: (sparks circle a cyborg's head, engulf it, and freeze it, cyborg crashes to ground, head rolls off) Who gets the last one?
Y. Link: (shoots Fire Arrow at remaining cyborg) We win! On to the mansion!
At the mansion's front door…
Pichu: Big door.
All: (looking up at the 27-foot-high black double door)
Goku: Somebody should knock…
Everyone else: (several hundred feet away)
Goku: I meant somebody besides me…oh, fine. Bunch of wussies. (walks up to door, knocks on it fiercely, gets eaten by door)
All: (stunned silence)
Mewtwo: Let me. (hovers over to door, eyes glow blue, door explodes into a kazillion pieces)
All: (stunned silence)
Gojyo: I love this place already.
Inside the mansion's foyer, it's pretty much completely dark. That evil guy's laughter can be heard reverberating throughout everyone's ears.
AJ: (lighting room with GBA)
Samus: So, we lost two of our party members.
Gojyo/Sanzo/Ilpalazzo: Your point being?
Samus: …Let's find the Hands.
Kirby: How much you wanna bet they're upstairs?
The floor disappears.
Pikachu: (walks over to Kirby, slaps him hard)
Kirby: Ow.
Everybody falls except for Mewtwo, who continues upstairs.
Spike: Well, this is about as useful as…that hyper blonde chick back there.
Excel: Hey! What was that you said about that hyper blonde chick back there? Huh? I didn't hear you too well! What?
All: …
Excel: Oh! It would be kind of impolite as to not explain how I'm here falling with you people right now as we're falling, so I hope you have good ears! (begins talking obscenely rapidly)
4 seconds later
Excel: And I don't know where that squirrel ran off to, but- (continues)
4 seconds later
Excel: Hence, why I'm here right now!
Spike: (shoots Excel in the head)
Ilpalazzo: That brings back fond memories…
Hakkai: This is quite a long drop. Think we'll die if we hit the bottom?
Yusuke: That'd f*ck up the storyline, so I don't think so.
Luigi: (repairing the shattered fourth wall) Now let's see. Which paint would look the best…?
A minute later
Yoshi: This is ridicul-
Everyone lands in a large pool of water. Excel floats straight to the top, while everyone else lands on the pool's floor, where there is a door. Everyone can breathe.
Link: This brings back not-so-fond memories…
Hiei: Can we just go through the door already?
All the water transforms into a large, compressed globe hovering in front of the only way out. It sprouts appendages and grows empty eyes.
AJ: Didn't see that coming.
Peach: How can we ever defeat that…thing?
Roy: We'll have to wait until Part 2.
Luigi: (admiring a perfectly repaired fourth wall) Ahh…this should be my new job. (wall melts) …(whines)
Roy said it right! The final genre extends a bit, as most action tends to! Will our abnormally large party defeat the unnamed water monster? What's Mewtwo doing up there? Can Luigi keep that fourth wall up?
Part 2…coming soon!
That wall will never get fixed…