Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Jedi Apprentice.
Chapter 9"All I want to do is lie in bed with you
All I really ever need is you
All I got to do is give up all I have to be with you
All I want to do is to be close to you
All I want to do is to be next to you
All I want is you to give up all we had to be
I can't remember why I'm here
If you'd let me spend my life with you"
-Sugarcult
Xanatos
He had slept a bare minimum throughout the night, alternating between watching Obi-Wan sleep and wondering what he was going to do. A raging storm distorted his thoughts, and he was having trouble separating feelings from facts.
I don't know what I want anymore, he realized, staring at the sleeping Jedi.
But I know one thing that I want.
I want to keep you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obi-Wan
It was nice to not wake up alone for once. Granted, Xanatos was not sleeping, but sitting up watching Obi-Wan sleep, but at least he was still there.
"Morning," Obi-Wan said groggily, sitting up and smiling.
"Morning," Xanatos said softly, returning the smile.
Obi-Wan stretched out his limbs and yawned. "It's already pretty bright outside…"
"I didn't want to wake you."
"Aren't you worried about the timeline for your 'plot'?" Obi-Wan asked, raising an eyebrow.
"We have some extra time, Qui-Gon seems to have gotten delayed. He vanished off our radar for a while."
Obi-Wan sighed. "So you're still going through with it?"
"Yes," Xanatos responded simply. "I am. You may think that it's foolish, or that I'm clinging to something I should let go of, but it matters to me."
"Last night you told me that I mattered as well."
"You do," Xanatos said, but his voice had grown wary. "And?"
"If I really matter to you, you'll let this go," Obi-Wan said, turning his blue eyes to Xanatos with what he hoped was a compelling stare.
Xanatos was silent for a moment. "And if I did that, what would you do?"
Obi-Wan stiffened. "What do you mean?" He asked, though he knew exactly what Xanatos meant.
"Would you go back to the temple?"
That was the question Obi-Wan had been dreading, the question that he had refused to ask himself. "It's the only home I've ever known."
"That doesn't mean anything, it was my home for a long time as well."
"I'm not like you."
The tips of Xanatos's fingers brushed Obi-Wan's cheeks. "You don't have to be."
"What exactly are you proposing?" Obi-Wan asked, moving out of Xanatos's reach. He needed to think clearly, and having Xanatos do that only caused him to act on impulse.
"I'll drop this plan. I'll drop everything that has to do with revenge on Qui-Gon," Xanatos paused. "But I have a condition."
Obi-Wan felt like his entire body had gone to sleep, tingles traced up and down his skin in a strange sensation, like tiny lightning bolts.
"I want you to leave Tarria with me."
He had been afraid of that. He knew that there would be decisions to make, inevitable, painful decisions.
But they just came so soon.
"My friends…" Obi-Wan said weakly.
Cobalt blue eyes studied him intently as he struggled with the words. Xanatos wasn't speaking, but Obi-Wan could sense his impatience.
"I can't just leave with you," Obi-Wan stared at the tent floor's fibers. "I have obligations."
"To Qui-Gon?" His voice didn't sound angry, but Obi-Wan knew that he was.
"To a lot of people."
"Alright," Xanatos gaze bore into Obi-Wan. "Then tell me, can you go back to the temple? Could you really return to your old life, after everything that's happened?"
Another question that Obi-Wan wasn't prepared to answer. The temple, the Jedi, they seemed like a distance memory now. He missed them, but could he live without them? That was something that he didn't know. He also didn't know what would happen if he was separated from Xanatos. The growing ball in his chest that had stolen so many of his feelings and given him so many new ones might be ripped out completely.
"We still have a day's travel to the academy. Think about it."
Obi-Wan nodded. He could think about it all he wanted, but that didn't mean he would ever have the answer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Qui-Gon
He was exhausted. Rest was appealing; it would help his nerves and he would be able to fight Xanatos when he found them. But on the other hand…
Delays made him crazy.
Qui-Gon leant his head against one of the hard trees for a moment, breathing deeply and shutting his eyes. He couldn't help but feel like he was doing Obi-Wan some sort of wrong by not being there yet.
He'll be fine, he tried to reassure himself. Xanatos won't kill him until he knows that he has me.
Tugging on their bond, he tried to tell Obi-Wan to hold on.
I'm coming for you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obi-Wan
The jolt in the force was a shock.
Qui-Gon.
It had been so long since Obi-Wan had last felt his force signature that it came as a shock when their bond shook.
He's coming, he'll be here soon.
Obi-Wan didn't know whether or not that news relieved him.
If only it was three days before now. I would be so happy that he found me; I would be so happy to go back. But now… what will happen to my heart now?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xanatos
Obi-Wan had stiffened next to him as they walked. He had no idea what had just happened to upset the boy, and that upset him.
The entire group had packed up the tents to move forward. Xanatos knew that by evening they would be at the academy.
He knew what Obi-Wan would tell him then.
This was very close to being over. His chest twisted.
Fine. I don't need this.
He turned to look at the boy walking next to him. Obi-Wan was staring straight ahead, his brow wrinkled in thought.
Xanatos didn't know what he was thinking.
That upset him.
Pink speckled across the sky. Sunset.
A wave of energy washed over Xanatos, invigorating him and momentarily wiping away the grief that he was trying to bury. The same waved of energy hit Obi-Wan, he could tell. It had a very different effect on him; the boy suddenly looked sick. He turned to stare at Xanatos in shock.
They were so close.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obi-Wan
Every strip of energy that he had went into keeping him simply standing. Darkness was everywhere. He was drowning in the dark side of the force. It pushed at him from all sides, and he didn't even realize that something had grabbed his arm.
"It's a shock at first," a fuzzy voice comment. He felt a tug on his wrist, urging him forward. "But it's easy to adapt too."
No… I don't want to go farther…
The tugging continued, but he didn't have the strength to argue or pull back, so he let himself be led forward, into more black.
"Focus on breathing."
Obi-Wan did as he was told, only because he couldn't think straight well enough to do anything else.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
The darkness that had enveloped his vision began to ebb, and soon he could see the light pink in the sky. The fogginess began to fade away in his ears, and Xanatos's voice broke through clearly.
"See? It's not so bad."
Obi-Wan wanted to hit him. Then possibly sleep for the next week. He felt like his legs were made of duracrete and his arms were tingly and stiff. He was still having trouble distinguishing people from trees.
All of those could be ignore. The worse part had to be the voices.
We killed them all.
It was a nasty death; the blood was all over me when it was done. You should have heard her scream…
You aren't worth anything.
Traitor!
It's not over until your enemy is dead.
The voices were all different, some were angry and some were just… disturbed. He yanked his hand out of Xanatos's grasp, attempting to cover his ears. It did nothing.
"Who are they?" He demanded.
"The voices?" Xanatos asked evenly. "Is that what the problem is? I hardly notice them anymore. There nothing but remaining force signatures."
He can't betray you if you cut out his tongue.
"Who are they talking to?" Xanatos had taken his arm once again, pulling him forward.
"No one really," The older man responded. "They're nothing but trapped memories. Ignore them."
Cut out his tongue, and leave him tied to drown in his own blood.
Nausea washed over him as the voices continued to chant in his ears. How could he ignore them? They were omnipresent.
All he could think about was moving his feet, one after the other. Everything else was impossible to focus on. Eventually he found himself standing still, and then he was pulled again. This time he had to duck. He was pushed on to a soft, fabric ground. He laid his head against the soft floor, wanting to sleep.
Just kill her.
He's worth nothing.
Cold water splashed across his face.
He shot into an upright position, gasping and shivering. There was nothing humming in his ears now; he could still feel the darkside, but it was muffled like an old holovid.
"Better?" Xanatos asked, laying a bottle on the ground.
Breathing in another shaky breath, Obi-Wan nodded.
"Good."
"Xanatos," Obi-Wan said, trying to keep his voice calm. "I need to talk to you. About what you said this morning…"
"Don't."
Obi-Wan looked at the other man, slightly confused.
"Not tonight. We have time, you can tell me in the morning," He looked slightly panicked.
Obi-Wan wiped the moisture off his face with his robe, then threw it off to the side. "Why wait?"
"Why not?" Xanatos asked, seizing his calm again. "Waiting won't hurt. Prolong the inevitable. If you say yes, then you'll just spend tonight dreading over what you're going to tell Qui-Gon tomorrow. Or the next day, because we will see him. We have to go down that path to get back to my ship."
Xanatos paused, studying Obi-Wan's face. "And if you say no, wouldn't it be nice to have one last night together, ignoring the complications and problems that we'd have to face tomorrow?"
Obi-Wan stared down at his hands. One last night together. Would that make leaving all the worse?
I don't care how much more painful it makes it. One last night is worth it.
He looked up at Xanatos's blue eyes. They were calm and nonchalant, but Obi-Wan knew that under them Xanatos was just as tortured and empathetic as everyone else. He had just found a way to ignore those feelings.
What if my leaving breaks him even farther?
Maybe he's not even attached to me enough for it to do any damage.
All those people, can I really have their lives on my hands? I won't be killing them, but I could have saved them.
Cool hands touched the sides of his face.
"What are you thinking about?"
Before even thinking Obi-Wan clasped his own hands around Xanatos's. "Nothing."
The kiss that followed burnt his lips with longing and pain. Everything after it was sweet and intoxicating and unforgettable, and it wrenched at Obi-Wan's chest. His fingers tangled in Xanatos's black hair he wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. That this was the last time he would be with Xanatos like that. He was being denied by his own loyalty. It wasn't right.
Maybe I'm the one that's going to break.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Xanatos
The boy slept soundly next to him, still wrapped in his arms. It was warm where their bodies touched, but cold outside of that. He hardly noticed. He was too busy trying to swallow around the ball of dry fabric that had lodged itself in his throat. Breathing hurt. Everything hurt.
If anything he hated Qui-Gon and the Jedi even more now.
He kissed Obi-Wan's forehead.
"How dare they take you away from me," he said softly, not actually wanting to wake him. "It doesn't matter now."
He pulled him against his chest tighter.
"I won't let them."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MyFictionalAnnihilation: Yay love!
Rian Sage: Thanks for the review! I was wondering who that anonymous review was from. I'm sorry, but I really can't prolong Qui-Gon's absence much longer. The story can't go on forever, though I know sometimes I wish it would.
Child of a Pineapple: Well… the story's not quite over yet, and either the next chapter or the one after it will have injury. Pretty bad injury. I'm not sure how you handle this particular type of injury, so you know you could be traumatized again…
Blockofthewritingkid: (taps foot) Do you have my cookies woman? Cause I updated (points) and in a pretty good time period too.
An-angel-in-hell: Nope, the holocron still exists. I couldn't destroy it, I need it. And about the happy thing, I think that you shouldn't hope for that too much, just so you have a heads up. Thanks for the review!
Staryday: Ha I'm glad you enjoyed it.
A/N: So they're finally at the academy. It only took me eight chapters to get them there, ha. There are only going to be a few more chapters to write, and it makes me said. (sniff). I always get depressed when I finish reading a book, writing a story, or playing a video game. The characters become such a big part of your life that it's such a shock when they're gone. Anyway, please review. Oh and for all of you Xan/Obi junkies, I'm working on a series of ficlets about them, you can find the link on my profile.