When that which is,

and that which was,

Apart, intrinsic, stand,

And this brief tragedy of flesh,

is shifted like a sand.

-Emily Dickinson

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Roger was wrapped up like a caterpillar in four different blankets when I returned home. He rested his chin on the folds of the opening and stared blankly out at the wall. He blinked when I came in. I threw my keys on the counter and chuckled.

"Does someone need a cup of warm milk?"

"Yes please."

I sneered. "What? Are you sick? Get up and make it yourself!"

Then I recoiled.

Whoa.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. What the fuck? Did I just say that? I spun around to face the fridge and then back to Roger, putting a hand to my forehead. I inhaled.

"I…mean…I'll make it for ya…"

Another attempt to sound chipper. The unfamiliar Mark still clung to my words, slashing the apologetic tone and making me sound reluctant.

Roger strained to stand up, holding one of the blankets around his shoulders.

"...No, no, no, it's okay. If you don't want to I can make it. Besides Mark, we don't have any heat to make the milk warm anyway. You can sit down. I'll pour us milk." He said it as if it were some tedious chore.

I grabbed at the arms of my glasses and adjusted them in disbelief. Another malignancy had sprung up on Roger's chin. He caught me staring and poked at it.

He shivered.

"Beauty mark."

I groaned. I didn't even mean to show my worry out loud. But it slipped out and I groaned loud and long and fell down on the couch and cried, "Oh Roger please sit back down for gods sakes I'll make the milk!"

He stared at me. I fell silent and stared back. He narrowed his eyes.

"What did I tell you?"

"Please sit down Roger..."

"What did I tell you- don't do this to me! When you're scared, I get scared! I'm fine. Stop it. Just let me make the milk."

I sat perfectly still.

Then I growled, "How long are we going to have to keep pretending you're fine Roger? How long? You're not fine. You're not fine! Just…sit down!"

What was happening to me?

Roger stamped his foot. "I'm fine if you believe I'll be okay! That's- ha- that's the only thing I have right now Mark! Your hope. I'm keeping this fucking plague away with faith, not with medication! Don't lose it. Please don't lose it, you're all I have! I need you to be here for me. Because I don't have anyone else-"

I threw up my hands and laughed.

"…And when you're gone who do you think I'll have?"

"I'm not going anywhere! You'll have me!"

I shut my eyes.

And when I capture it on film will it mean that it's… I grabbed the back of my head. Face reality. Come back Mark. He's dying. He's surviving. You're dying. Be there for him. Show him that you care!

Glowering, Roger hands me a cup of milk.

It's an accomplishment.