"Just don't forget- love heals."

-Jonathan Larson

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I was feeling pretty much like myself; safe enough to even quiet my insomnia. I took the chance to catch some shut-eye, and was nearly asleep when there was a knock at the door. It threw me out of my slumber entirely and I sat straight up on the couch where I'd drifted off, fully awake.

"Who is it?" I called angrily.

"Mark, it's Benny, man."

I was felling pretty much like myself. But it only takes a drop of potion to send Dr. Jeckyll over the edge.

"What do you want?"

"Can I come in?"

"Not really, no."

"Well- please? I wanna talk to you."

"I don't wanna talk to you…"

"Come on Mark. Open this door. If you don't I will. I have keys. I know what happened."

"…Oh really? Okay. I'll let you in if you can explain to me what happened." I sit up and cross my arms patiently, as if he can see me through the door.

"…Um- Roger went to the hospital after collapsing…?"

"Incorrect." I snap. "Try again."

"What? No! Why? Then what happened?"

"…Well I'd say our fucking landlord turned off our heat, causing Roger's CD4's to deplete to almost NOTHING! And THEN pneumonia settled into his lungs, and his intestines backfired- TO BE SPECIFIC!" I stand up and back away.

Benny whips out his secret weapon- the landlord's master key ring, and is inside before I can continue to bitch.

"Listen Mark, it wasn't my fault, okay?"

I snort. "For God's sake Benny, how was this not your fault?"

"Well for starters- I didn't give him A.I.D.S.!"

My breath catches in my throat. If I weren't preoccupied with my own anger I would've killed Benny right on the spot. But somewhere in the sick and twisted realm of the 'selfish Mark Cohen' thoughts, I accepted Benny's point.

In a way, Roger had brought this upon himself.

I put my palm to my forehead and sat down on the couch, feeling a major contradiction coming on.

I raised my arms to my landlord. "Just look at us Benny. The high and mighty. The healthy. Sitting on our little throne of well being and lowered expectations. How did we ever end up here? We were Ivy League, Benny! We had everything going and now we sit here and piss about our mistakes-"

Benny stared at me with a vague expression due to my sudden change in topic.

"…Mark? I…don't follow you. Uhh…are you saying we're failures?" How ironic that he used that word. "What are you getting at?"

I laughed. "Don't you see it? We fucked up somewhere! Okay…you didn't…You did whatever you had to do. You fought and killed for that Grey internship and wound up with a team of investors, the keys to half of Alphabet City, and a small fortune. Props Benny, props. Kudos on being the hidebound pawn to corporate robotics."

"What? Mark, what are you accusing me of? I'm still not following you. Are you saying I'm some kind of hindrance to you? That I'm…in the wrong here?"

"Sure Benny, you're a hindrance. I used to think it was because you threatened to evict us. But then I realized that was my own doing. It was all part of the plan to be 'out of the mainstream.' Forget that, I'm past it now. No Benny, you're a hindrance because you omit us-"

"Well excuse me if I'm not an…artist, Mark! I never intended to be, ever-"

"Let me finish Benny! I don't know who you're trying to kid- you come off as such a yuppie, but everyone can see past that! May I remind you, again, of your humble beginnings? They were here, Benny, with us, with this little unbigoted group of hippies! I believe you slept right over there- in that bedroom. And for a while- you slept with Mimi in that bedroom, unbeknownst to us! Mimi had A.I.D.S. too, and she died from it, my dear friend. And she wouldn't pay her rent and she made her art her life and she had friends who devoted every ounce of their effort to reserve her solemnity and keep her alive. You are not unlike me, Benny. And yet we parade around here, able to stand on our own two feet, and for the most part- go about our lives as if we never were disarranged or limited by the people we know!"

I stand up quickly and hurl a framed portrait of Angel at him from off the coffee table.

"You see Benny, lately I haven't been able understand myself, so maybe you can help me. Because I can see both sides of you, but not of myself. Not really. Let me clarify: When you're with your pecuniary family- with Allison- you act like Big Brother's got a camera hidden in every corner. You're ashamed of us- me, Roger, of your past. So you don't mention it, and put all your stigma into being some cagey tycoon. But when you can cut a break- oh- you're out fucking strippers and promising leeway on the month's dues and cranking the heat for Roger- that's some other Benny entirely! Please, tell me how you do it! How you can stand to shift personalities? I feel guilty for even being able to inhale without an oxygen tube when I see Roger suffering!"

Benny massages his neck and smiles uneasily.

"Dang Mark, when you rant you really rant. I can't refute you. I honestly can't. Maybe you want to fight me, but I feel that no matter what I say you're still going to think that I've washed my hands of this life. Of your life. But- I've never lived your life, Mark, so I don't understand. Ha! So I like money! Who doesn't? I followed the path that got me richest quickest and I stepped on a bunch of heads to get there. I don't have the time- or concern- for 'starving artists.' I don't forget that I lived with you guys. I just resided here long enough to know that I'd rather sell out than starve! Oh, and I thank the Lord everyday that I don't need an oxygen tank to breathe, don't you? You asked about both sides of you- and how we can strut around like we haven't a care in the world. …But Mark, I don't see two sides of you! Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but I know exactly why you can strut around! Because you care. Because you actually take the time to save a bunch of lives, and when you finally get a breather from all the love you give you don't strut around! I bet you sit down and think, 'Whoo…I'm tired!' I'm jealous of you. While I go home and count my money, you sit at the hospital and count Roger's T-cells. Fuck you Mark Cohen. I wish I had the capacity to give a damn."

This shut me up.

Benny walked over and gently handed me the picture of Angel, clamping a hand on my shoulder.

I stuttered. "You- r- you really don't see two sides of me?"

"Hell no. Why? Are you trying to be more complicated? You are they only person I know that can sit for hours on end replaying footage of a fucking life support meeting without going into hysterics or a coma. Why would anyone possibly want to live that if they don't have to? That's my question. You told me a long time ago it was to make a career. But who are you trying to kid? You go to those things- you stick by Roger- to understand. When no one else will."

I fell silent.

I held the picture of Angel in my hands and stared at it for a long, long time. Benny just stood behind me and watched while I had my revelation.

"Benny…" I whispered. "I do understand…"

Benny left me alone after a while. I distantly heard him leave but I was too deep in thought to notice. Something had set off in my mind. I was lost in an old memory.

-Roger and I in all our youthful, defiant glory, making a spectacle of our angst and umbrage to Benny, to the city, the world, perched atop our balcony trying desperately to create a philosophy on the spot and question life like the little rebels we were. How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart? Another screenplay aflame. Another wave of hatred directed at Maureen, and my parents, at myself. Anger, anger, anger and resentment, looking down at it all from the fire escape. There was too much. I latch onto Roger and we scream. We need to forget. We want answers.

I wish I was on the street that night to answer myself. To shut myself up and allow myself to think, for once.

You don't leave it behind. You don't cover it, or burn it, or deny it or push it away. You bring it out and face it. You do whatever it takes- you capture it on film and utilize every last frame and edit nothing.

You live and learn and understand.

Then you replace the reel and start recording where you left off.