I play dead.
It stops the hurting.
I play dead.
The hurting stops.
-Bjork
---------------------------------------
Roger died sometime during the night.
The funny thing was, I woke up expecting it.
When the doctor frantically jostled me awake to tell me, I was seized with such pure irony all I could do was look over at Roger's empty bed and frown.
Instantly, all conceptual thought went on hiatus, and I just sat and stared in a mixture of disbelief and incongruity.
Roger is dead. How sardonic…
Weird. We were just talking about that last night…
What are the odds of that?
Roger is dead.
Roger is dead.
Roger is dead.
I say it over and over again in my mind, trying to make sense of the words. But they are just an echo, whose resonance blocks out all other sound.
"Roger is dead." Says the nurse as she takes the blanket from me and pulls me to my feet.
"Roger is dead." I tell her. I nod. Inside my head, the same three words rattle around. They cloud my vision. I lose focus.
I stumble and pitch forward, but the nurse grabs my arm and steadies me. "Whoa there. It's gonna be okay hun."
It's gonna be okay? But Roger said…
"But Roger is dead…" I remind her.
"Oh, dear…" She says lovingly, stroking my hand. "There's someone here who's going to take you home, okay? So you can sit down. Here. Here she is."
She lets go of my hand. Roger is dead Roger is dead Roger is dead. Another person takes it.
"Oh Mark…" Someone's head is on my shoulder. They are sobbing.
I realize my mouth has been open. I shut it and furrow my eyebrows and turn to see who is crying.
Maureen's shoulders heave and her mascara bleeds black down her cheeks.
I pull my hand from her grip.
Why was she crying? I frown.
"Where is Roger?" I ask her. My words are clumsy and distant.
The nurse smoothes the covers on the vacant bed. My face grows hot. "I want to talk to him, where is Roger?"
Maureen sniffles, "Oh Mark, they took him…" There is a terrible suction in my ears. I can't hear. I can't stand up. I stagger and Maureen grabs me and gently takes me toward the door. Where are we going?
Where is Roger?
"Roger is dead." Someone answers solemnly.
I take Maureen's hand.
I realize it was me who spoke.