A/N: Alright- if this seems disjointed or confusing , I apologize. I blame it partly on the drugs I'm taking for the evul cold from hell, and partly on the fact that I was trying to go for a real 'in Eames' head' sense in this chapter. Bah. Review, cause I'm sick and I need the love, lol.
Disclaimer: As usual, I wake up to find that I do not own L&O - much to my dismay.
She walked ahead of him, slamming the folder full of information down on the metal table. Jerking the chair out with a scrape and a snap, she sat down, her eyes turning to glare at a chair, then Bobby. The implication was clear, and he sat. Clemmans took all this in and sat silently, his fingers running up and down the edge of the table, over and over.
"Clever. Clever little trick. Did you think it would fool me?" He muttered, his hands continuing to run, up and back, up and back.
Alex gave him her best 'what in the hell are you babbling about?' look- one she had perfected for Bobby in the first year they were partners. He lifted his eyes to her, and she drew a sharp breath, startled by how dark they seemed, how empty and fathomless and absolutely disbelieving. A slight sweat broke out on her skin and she felt clammy. Clemmans' eyes were dark pools, and for a moment, looked so much like Bobby's she couldn't breathe.
Bobby sighed, and spread his hands in the 'you got us' way and leaned forward to look at Joe Clemmans' face. "You know we don't need to be here- right Joe? We- we caught you red handed-" Alex winced slightly at the bad pun, but kept her face as neutral as possible. Joe didn't take his eyes off of her, even with Bobby crowding his personal space. "So we don't really need a confession. The eye witness testimonies of five officers of the law would be enough- don't you think?"
Joe smiled then, and it was like a slash of white ivory against his shadowed, sallow skin. His eyes remained locked on hers, but he answered Bobby slowly. "Ah but DA's love confessions, don't they Goren? And you are the DA's golden boy- so you'll produce." Suddenly his hands halted, halfway through their repetitive movement, and he leaned forward, his hands gripping the edge of the table in front of him. "Has this case- has it bothered you, Detective Eames? Confronted by so many co worker's weakness- watching as-"
She felt her skin grow colder for a minute- just sixty seconds of weakness, as she allowed herself to be affected by his words. Shaking the sixty seconds off would take weeks- she knew- but she allowed him the minute of triumph. Taking a deep breath at the end of the minute, she steeled her gaze and watched him halt mid sentence before her gaze. "Enough. Why do it Joe? Did you hate the women that much?" Her voice was sharp, like a nail seeking to pierce his skin, but he refused to flinch like she had. "Did you maybe hate the men for doing what you couldn't? Did she turn you down Joe?"
"Like you hated them, Alex?" His voice hissed out her name like a snake, poised to strike. She hated the sound of it falling from his lips, but he leaned further forward, a cruel smile twisting his face into something demonic, that you picture as a child, hiding under your bed. "Hated them for the courage they had? That you never did, and never will?" A sudden bang startled both of them, and she turned to see Bobby, his breath escaping in short puffs and his hand pressed flat on the table. His gaze locked with hers, and she could see the questions hovering there. Like 'what happened to the plan?' and 'let me jump in.' She bit her lip, and turned back to Clemmans who hadn't even glanced at Bobby.
"Theatrics will get you nowhere, Goren." Joe spoke, once again ignoring Bobby's presence and never tearing his eyes from her. She could see- feel the malicious intent within them, the sadistic pleasure Clemmans got from doing this to them- to her. "I don't respond well to them. Alex here gets that, don't you Alex? I don't need you to analyze me and decide that playing submissive is the way to get me- or decide that you aren't very comfortable with me looking at her like this, are you?" Again his eyes never left her, and she felt her skin begin to crawl. He wanted her to look away from him- to see Bobby's reaction, but she refused. A chuckle rolled out of him.
"Very good, Alex. Such a man's name isn't it- Alex? A little girl trying to make it in a man's world." His grip on the table loosened, and once again, he began sliding his hands forward and back, but this time he held them against the table, palms flat and slid them out, just within inches of her and back. Flipping open the file in front of her, she smiled placatingly.
"Whatever you say Joe. Yup- that's me, trying to masculinize myself. And it works too." She could see Bobby lean back, frustrated out of the corner of her eye, but she didn't pay attention to him.
"Oh sure it works. You walk around in those suits- covering up any hint you're a woman. And you think it works." Joe laughed out loud, finally glancing at a scowling Bobby. "Goren- you know. Does it work? Does her wearing suit coats and tailored pants make you not picture what she has on underneath? Not think about how soft her skin would be, how your hands would feel running-" Bobby lunged out of his seat, his foot kicking Joe's chair away and lifting the man against the wall in one fluid moment, everything happening so fast that she'd have missed it if she blinked.
"Don't talk about her like that-" Bobby was in Joe's face now, his voice a low whisper that she knew would be hard to pick up on the intercom.
"Why detective?" Joe's eyes were curious, and not at all remorseful or frightened. "Does it make you angry? Embarrassed? Or do you just not want me to think about that smooth skin, hmm? Is that it?"
"Bobby." Her voice was tight and quiet, but she knew he heard her by the tension that settled within his shoulders. "Let go." Even she was surprised when he let go, stepping back and reseating himself. It wasn't his MO when he got physical with perps- to just back off. Bobby sat in the chair, glaring at Clemmans his hands now tapping along the table in an excited flurry. Joe brushed himself off and pulled his seat back to it's spot across from her.
"Well- that was interesting-" he started, but was cut off by Bobby leaning forward and whispering.
"Was it Molly Welks, Joe? Your first female partner? Or was it your last partner- Terri Donlan? I mean- one of them had to set it off, hmm? This- this deep seated hatred of women- because you weren't married Joe- no wife, no kids. So who was it?" Bobby spoke in a hot rushed whisper, his eyes never leaving Joe's face, watching his every reaction. He turned to her with one of those knowing looks and grinned. "I'd put my money on Terri- how bout it Eames? Wanna bet on Molly?" She just stared back at him for a moment, knowing that he hadn't missed the slight tension in Joe at Terri's name.
"Of course- of course it must be one of them, right Goren?" Joe's voice was laden with sarcasm as he continued to push, forward back, toward her, away. "I mean- every murderer has a deep secret within them, right? You find them. They secretly hated their Mommies-" He glanced at Bobby as he spoke before fixing his gaze back on her. "-or they're just too damn repressed. Is repressed a good word, Alex? I like it. Repression. Always an explanation- right Goren? That way you can find it like the scavenger you are and file it away and sleep at night. No one would ever murder just because he could. Or to prove a point."
"A point?" Alex's voice cut across, slightly amused. "And what's your point Joe? That NYPD rules are never followed? That women shouldn't be on the force? That-"
"No!" He bit out, his voice sharp. "Of course women should be on the force. They are- they are the heart of it Alex. You know that right? They feel more, sense more- are so much more in tune when their partner's are oblivious. To the pain, to the unintended hurts-" He was speaking in an excited tone now, leaning forward and holding his hands out palms up. She glanced at Bobby, who nodded imperceptibly, telling her to run with it.
"The hurts that the men cause?" Her voice was barely above a whisper but Joe looked up, his eyes alight with a manic excitement.
"Yes! Yes." He paused staring across at her, his fingers closing into fists slowly. "I knew you'd understand Alex. I knew you'd- you'd see. He can't see because he doesn't know. He assumes that I hate the woman- that all of this was about punishing them. It wasn't- I was-" He paused there, apparently realizing what he was saying and forcing the words to stop.
"What were you doing Joe? Saving them?"
Joe leaned back, his face blank as he stared at some point over her shoulder. "It never works. We know this, don't we Alex? That the bond partners share- it's too much for anyone to handle, but when you take it off that level- it can consume you. Like fire- you're on fire and you love it. Fire's dangerous though isn't it? You stand there and stare and stare at it, longing to touch it. But when you do, what happens?"
"You get burned." She finished for him in a soft tone- a picture forming in her mind that she suddenly didn't like.
"Men- we are a weak species, Alex. Weak. We allow the temptations, the sins of the flesh to supersede our morals. We allow ourselves to be taken in by women. We- we sully them with our intentions, our base morals." He seemed to shake himself out of the reverie he was in, and turned his eyes away from her, to focus on Bobby. "You know. We should hold them up- protect them from all harm, and we do not. Instead we allow the love we feel to get out of hand, we give in, we allow our weak nature to overcome us. And what happens then? We pull them off that pedestal- we snatch them down and make them our own!" His voice increased in volume and he stood abruptly, forcing his chair to scrape back against the cheap tile. He began pacing, back and forth along the back wall of the room, his hands reached out to the side and tracing the rough pattern on the wall.
Motioning to Bobby to stay seated, she stood and walked into his path- blocking him. He halted in front of her and almost seemed to shrink within himself. "Joe-" Her voice was soft in the room, and she leaned forward, putting herself within a few inches of him as she spoke. "Joe- what happened? With you and Teri?"
Tears suddenly filled the old mans eyes as he stood before her. "She was- she was everything. Do you know Alex?" He looked to her for understanding, and oddly enough she felt the pull of it. He reached out, grasping her hands in his, and Bobby stood over by the table, his whole body strung tight like a wire. He didn't move though, he stayed perfectly still and made no other move than standing. "Alex, I loved her. Not right away, you know- but she was so brilliant and so wounded- she needed me. And I loved being needed, and you- you know about that don't you?" His voice trembled and his hands shook as he stared at her. Dumbly she nodded and he smiled slightly. "He needs you, and that makes you feel complete doesn't it? And then it's not so far of a jump to love them, is it?"
"No." She whispered back, her eyes locked on his and her face oddly pale.
"I loved her for years. Years. And she- she never knew. I told myself no, that it was against regulations- but those thoughts Alex- those thoughts creep into your head in the middle of the night about how great it could be if they were really with you. Right? You want them to be really with you." His voice tugged her closer, like a silent charm invading her thoughts. How many times had she lain awake at night and thought about it? How many times had she imagined his touch- his voice whispering her name?
She blinked rapidly and looked down, intensely aware of Joe's hands on hers, his eyes tracing her skin with wonder as he spoke. Just the way she had always wanted- but the man she wanted this from was standing across the room, watching silently. "Joe.. the rules-"
"They're there for a reason, I know. And maybe you are stronger than I was, Alex- but do you think you are the only one who knows? Really?" His voice had become hard again, like steel striking off of flint, she stepped back to avoid the sparks. "Your own Captain reported you- and everyone but you sees it, little girl. They all watch and wait- and get pissed because they assume that you are given special privilege- because he's the Chief's favorite." She felt the heat rush to her skin in absence of the cold. A heavy feeling settled in her chest as she watched the man transform in front of her eyes, changing from hurt old man to enraged killer in two seconds flat. His hands reached out, grasping her arms in a vice like grip, and he pushed her back until she felt the rough tile hit her back. "They all assume you're fucking Alex- so why not do it? Prove them right and give in to your baser instincts. Grab him and make him-" His words cut off as the air came gasping out of him, helped along by a strong arm that crushed his throat and pulled him away. She stood, breathing heavily for a moment, before yelling at Bobby to stop.
"Eames he's-"
"No! No, Bobby- stop. Just stop god dammit!" Striding forward she pulled him off of Joe and pushing him behind her small body. Stepping forward to where Bobby had him pinned to the wall, she felt anger surge through her. Raising her arms, she pushed him back against the wall when he would have stepped forward, and she pinned him there once more, her arm raised across his neck and the other pinning his cuffed wrists to his chest. The anger surged in her, washing over them like a giant crimson wave. She didn't really grasp the source- if she was pissed at Joe for telling things he had no right to speak about- or at Bobby for his absolute non reaction to it all- or if she was pissed about the actual murders. Maybe it was all three.
"Alright Joe- what do you want to hear, huh? That every time I look at him I feel my skin heat and my heart racess? That I barely restrain myself? Is that what you want to hear Joe? Does it make it easier for you? To judge me? Or him? Because I was strong when you were weak- and you feel this need for explanation?" She was inches from his face and he gasped, red slowly creeping into his skin tone as he fought for breath. She was distantly aware of a dull thud behind her and the sound of voices entering the room. "Tell me , you sick bastard- tell me why you care so damn much!"
"Be-" his eyes rolled back as he gasped slightly. "Because I wanted to do him first- I wanted to kill him first- but I never had proof that you two had been together. I wanted to know if I was wrong- if I should have slit him open like all the others for you to cry over." She pulled back quickly, his words stinging her. Hands grabbed at her, and pulled them apart , and she fought them, her instincts screaming. She watched through angry eyes as they pulled him away and took him out of the room. Blinking in the sudden quiet she saw Bobby, Ross and Carver all staring at her warily. "What?!" She snapped finally when the silence had stretched into something painful.
"Suspension Detective Eames, that's what." Ross snarled back at her. "Are you out of your mind? You almost killed the man-"
"Like any of you can tell me he didn't deserve it-"
"Detective Eames!" Carver's voice was scandalized and his glare held censure within it's brown depths. She ran a hand over her face , feeling how clammy the skin was. "I would expect this from your partner- but not from you. I have no idea what's going on with you- and frankly I don't think I want to know- but this was a display I never expected to see from you." She stared at him dully, aware that in the confusion- they probably hadn't heard everything, and if they had they were doing their level best to ignore it.
"I don't want to see you for at least a week, Eames. You can come in then and we'll discuss you coming back." Ross finally snapped, holding out his hand for her weapon as he spoke. She dropped it into his palm with a glare, along with her shield. Ross then turned abruptly, and exited the room with Carver on his heels. She sank down to the floor, her legs suddenly unable to hold her up. A sob caught in her throat as she stared off blankly. She felt his weight sink next to her, and his eyes on her as the room became still.
"What's- Eames, what's – I need you to talk to me. We can't fix this , whatever it is, unless you talk." His voice was low and soothing and she ran a hand against her head as she listened. Her nails scraped against the skin of her scalp and she closed her eyes tightly. "I've never seen you like that- me yeah. But never you." She wanted to crawl away- be left alone, but of course he refused.
"And why is that Bobby?" Her voice was dull, almost lifeless as she stared at her knees which were currently pressing into her chest from the pressure of her hands wrapped around her legs.
"Why is what?" His voice was slightly confused, and he reached out a hand tentatively to get her attention, but she pulled away from him, sliding further down the length of the wall. She finally met his eyes, lifting her head, and knowing that what he saw within them scared him by the way he flinched, just slightly.
"Why do I never get that way? Why do you always get that way? And why -" she laughed, but it was a hollow sound that echoed throughout the room, bouncing off the walls, and mocking her with it's echo. "Why exactly did you let me?" Anger was creeping back into her tone now, and he blinked slowly. Once. Twice. She could read his distress, but for once, she didn't give a damn about how he was handling it. She was tired- tired of being the strong one, the glue. Couldn't he just once be the glue that held her together instead of the other way around?
"Let you? Eames I-"
"No." She cut him off with a slash of her hand and a glare. "No Bobby- you never get suspended because I am always there- pulling you back- saving you from yourself, and the one time- the one god damned time I need the same from you , you sit there!" The anger within her felt like an angry animal, clawing at her insides, begging to be let out full force. But even in a rage, her heart wouldn't allow it to be fully disclosed.
"Eames I didn't- it surprised me. No, wait!" He spoke quickly as she stood in one fluid motion, and he scrambled up with her, holding his hands out like a pleading child. "Please wait- what he said- and what you said- Eames I-"
She drew in a harsh breath, her eyes watching him fumble for the words with irritation. What was normally an endearing Bobby trait now seemed to only anger her more. "No! No Bobby- I don't give a shit what was said! You think that the shit you pull out in this room doesn't terrify the crap out of me at times? That I'm not thrown off by it. I know you Bobby- and I know that what you do in here- you always have some grain of truth to it- no matter how small. But I- unlike you- manage to somehow put your best interests above my concern, or my shock. I still pull you back, and you couldn't do it for me? Damn you Bobby! Why didn't you stop me before I said it?!" Her eyes were filling with tears and she blinked rapidly, trying to prevent them from coming. Not here, not now.
His eyes were filled with pain, and he stepped closer to her, his breathing light and careful. Reaching out once more his hand touched the side of her face, drawing a line with his knuckle as he sought her eyes with his. "I didn't- I didn't know what you were doing- I-" He paused, his breath hitching in his throat for a moment before hissing out in defeat. Her body remained stiff, and all but pulled away from him. "I just didn't know." He finished in a tired voice.
"Yeah? Well you of all people should have known. What you're really saying is that you couldn't read me Bobby- and that's the one thing I always counted on you to be able to do. Read me." she stared up at him for a moment, and he seemed to stop breathing as he realized just how upset she was by this. His eyes widened in horror as he finally paused in his own reeling to read her. Shaking her head, she stepped around him, yanking the door open and striding over to her desk, aware of all of MCS' eyes following her. Yanking her coat off the rack, she pulled it one roughly, grabbing her keys out of the pocket, she dropped the SUV keys on his desk- he'd need them next week. She was halfway towards the elevators when he came running out of the interrogation room.
"Eames!" She continued to walk, ignoring him , her back stiff as she dodged people in her desperate attempt to run. "Eames!" His voice was louder- more desperate, and closer. She walked faster. "Alex-" She whirled around, halting mid step and glaring at him. He almost ran into her, but he managed to stop in time and even step back once at the expression of rage on her face.
"Oh don't you even think of 'Alex'ing me, Goren! You do not- I repeat do not get to pull that shit now. Years, Bobby. Years I've been waiting for that and this is how you do it?" She ran a hand through her hair in agitation and his eyes followed it nervously. "I'm not doing this now Goren. So just back off and leave me the hell alone." The entire squad room and slid to a halt, all watching quietly when he had run out. The silence was almost deafening as she walked over to the elevator, and jabbed the button almost painfully. The doors opened immediately, as if sensing her anger, and she stepped in quickly, pressing the ground floor button. The last thing she saw before they slid shut was him, still standing where she had left him, his face pale and shocked.
Surrounded by blissful silence in the elevator, she shut her eyes tightly, but still saw his face, Her chest constricted painfully and she could still hear the echo of his voice, saying her name.