"Yeah, you're not."
Itachi glared at the two, and went back to piling up kindling.
"What are you doing?" Kisame asked, flying to the left to avoid a tree.
Itachi grumbled as he made fire. There had been major tension in the group after Itachi made an extremely startling discovery.
A bump.
Itachi had a little baby bump.
After his discovery, he had not appreciated Kisame's 'awwww's, and Kisame had only just recovered from the beating he had received from Itachi and Gaara (who thought it looked fun).
Itachi now resolved that since he was fat, he had to burn all his clothes. Including his Akatsuki cloak (despite Kisame's protests that he couldn't ask Akatsuki for a replacement maternity cloak).
"You're not fat." Gaara stated again.
Itachi glared.
"No, really. You're not even chubby. You just have a bump."
Itachi frowned, and glanced over. "Really?"
Gaara nodded.
Itachi shrugged. "Okay. Kisame, adjust my cloak so it fits."
"Bu-but, ho-"
Itachi tossed his cloak at Kisame, knocking him over. "Find a way, or find death."
"We need to focus." Gaara said, staring out at the horizon. Itachi nodded.
"Where next?" Gaara shrugged. "We could torture his friends?"
Itachi shook his head. "Sasuke doesn't have friends." Gaara nodded, and commented, "You raised him well."
Itachi nodded, then asked, "Does the demon?"
"Most likely."
"Torture them?"
"Yeah, fine."
Itachi strolled through Konoha with his newly re-sewed coat. Kisame had spent 32 hours redesigning it while Gaara poked him violently with a stick.
He was currently mourning the loss of feeling in his fingers, and limping along pathetically.
"Where are the demon's friends?"
Gaara frowned. "I think I remember a girl with pink hair…"
"Right." Itachi sharinganed the village and located the girl.
Itachi pointed north. "She's north." Gaara nodded, and they began to head north.
Sakura had been sitting innocently, replacing the old flowers that she had in front of her Sasuke-forever! shrine, when she turned around and was confronted with a man who looked a lot like Sasuke only taller and with cooler hair, some beat-up shark guy, and Gaara, the really crazy guy with red hair.
"What the-!"
Itachi waved his hand. "Sharingan."
She slumped to the floor, and Itachi searched her mind.
"Tch…the girl knows nothing…"
Gaara sighed. "Bummer."
Itachi frowned. "Though she does have lesbian feelings for her best friend."
Gaara looked up at Itachi. "Really?"
"Yep…but she's confused so she's convinced herself she loves Sasuke. It wouldn't be hard. He is an Uchiha, after all."
Gaara nodded, before commenting dryly, "Naturally."
Itachi growled and incinerated the girls shrine. "This was a waste if a visit. I shouldn't be moving too much in my condition."
Gaara frowned. "Not necessarily…there are others we could ask, plus…we could mess with the girls mind…"
Itachi nodded. "That is true…"
With the quick efficiency of a mass-murderer, Itachi removed the shrine to her brother, and replaced it with a shrine so vile and evil Gaara averted his eyes.
A shrine to Kisame.
Kisame, who had been staring off into space and wondering where his life went wrong, glanced across and saw a shrine to him, candles and everything.
"What the-!"
Gaara shook his head. "It needs to be more believable."
Itachi nodded, and made it so all the pictures of Kisame changed so Kisame had blonde hair.
Gaara gave Itachi a look, who explained, "The girl she has lesbian feelings for has blonde hair."
"Ahhh…"
Itachi quickly sharinganed the girls mind into believing the shrine and they quickly departed. Well, they quickly departed because Itachi kicked Kisame out of the window because he was too busy staring at a blonde, rather female version of himself.
"So…where to next?" Itachi asked Gaara, who shrugged in return.
"We could just ask all the other friends."
"Right."
"What about him?" Gaara pointed at Kisame, who was twitching.
"Meh, he's like a dog, he'll always return to his master." Itachi went up to twitching!Kisame. "Right, Kisame?"
The poor, poor abused Akatsuki member nodded, and Itachi poked his wound.
"Ye-yes…Itachi-sama."
"Hmph. That's what I though…"
"Itachi-sama?" Gaara questioned.
Itachi shrugged. "Because I can."
"Can I be Gaara-sama?"
Itachi glanced over at Gaara. "Yeah, go for it."
While Itachi searched the village for more targets, Gaara kicked Kisame asking him, "What's my name bitch?"
"Found one."
Gaara paused and looked up. "Who?"
"Dunno, but he has a weird hair cut, and weird eyes, and weird clothes…"
Gaara's eyes clouded over. "Lee…"
"Huh?"
Gaara shook his head. "Nothing, take me there."
Itachi blinked at Gaara, then shrugged.
Soon, soon he would find his little brother and hand him over to Orochimaru. And then he'd hand the blond demon over to Gaara. And then he'd raise his child as a suitable Uchiha heir.
How did you raise children anyway…?
It took ages to get this chapter out, I'm sorry! I wrote half of it a while in maths, and then was writing bits and pieces until I sat down and made myself do it. I made Sakura a lesbian... O.o
And does Gaara love Lee? We thought he loved Naruto! Or is he using them both for his own twisted needs!
Anyway...thanks for all the reviews! They rock. You rock. Woo! R&R!