Chapter Fourteen
They were standing on top of the Astronomy Tower. It was a brilliant day with a blue sky and a soft, pleasant breeze. Severus leaned heavily on the battlement wall, trying to regain his breath. Small beads of sweat had formed on his brow, his face was even paler than usual. Claire stood next to him, admiring the view: The grounds with the lake and the forest, the village of Hogsmeade in the distance and the hills that protected the area from the outside world. It looked peaceful. Fallen trees, brown patches in the grass and holes in the ground were the only signs of the recent battle.
Suddenly she saw that Severus was swaying. Quickly she put her arms around him and helped him sit on the floor, with his back to the wall.
"You are far from well. Why on Earth did you want to come here?" she asked, not really expecting an answer.
It was the fourth day of his recovery, he had been able to leave the bed and walk around the hospital wing with the help of a walking stick the day before, and this morning he had demanded his clothes, which Madam Pomphrey somehow had retrieved from his belongings still stored at Hogwarts. To Claire he had suddenly looked very austere and intimidating in his formal black attire. And then he had announced his intention of going to the Astronomy Tower, which had sent Madam Pomphrey into a fit and the young Auror on guard into confusion.
He had followed them all the way to the door leading to the tower – it had been very slow progress with Snape leaning on a walking stick and being guided by Claire, who in turn had to follow his instructions to find the way. Severus had already been exhausted when they reached the door to the staircase. Nevertheless, he had straightened himself to his full height and his voice demanding to be left alone with Claire on top of the tower had allowed no contradiction.
"There is no chance of my escaping justice," he said with a sneer, "I'm not capable of flying and I certainly won't jump. So you can't lose me if you wait down here."
With that he had left the Auror standing with his mouth slightly open and had begun to climb the stairs, which nearly had proved too much for his condition.
So here they were. Claire watched him, hoping he wouldn't collapse. He had pulled up his legs and put his arms around them, as if wanting to protect himself.
"This is where it happened." he finally responded to her question.
"Where what happened?"
"The – where I killed Dumbledore."
It came out like a sob. Claire shifted her position to be closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder.
"Why did you do it?"
"He asked for it." He rested his head on his knees, his shoulders were shaking. He was crying. She watched him helplessly, confused by his cryptic answer, hoping he would volunteer some more information, that he would confide in her. But he didn't.
She hesitated for a while before she dared ask another question which had been in her mind for the last four days. "Why did you come back to life?"
First there was no reaction. Had he not heard her? Then he raised his head and turned his face towards her. The bandages around his eyes were wet.
"Why did I come back? Do you really have to ask that?"
He got hold of her arm and held it in a fierce grip. His voice was hoarse and broken.
"I never expected to see you again after I had left you at the Death Eater meeting. I felt so guilty for what they had done to you. But all I could do was trying to forget you. It wasn't very difficult, because I needed all my wit just to stay alive and fulfil the only purpose left to me: I wanted to help destroy the Dark Lord and die in the process. The killing curse should have done the job, I don't know why I came out of the battle alive, I would gladly have chosen death, but then you were there in the hospital wing. And all the love and happiness I had found with you resurfaced. I couldn't resist the temptation to get some more. That's why I came back, Claire, to be with the only person that has ever loved me. Can't you understand that?"
He let her go and turned away. After some moments' hesitation Claire followed him and sat down before him, gently taking his face in her hands.
"I can and I love you so much. I'd like to help you."
"You can't help me, nobody can, because what's done cannot be undone."
Claire sighed, remembering the visits the other Hogwarts residents had paid him in the hospital wing during the last days. They had all been friendly, but also embarrassed about how to treat him. Despite his having brought about Voldemort's downfall, there was still the murder of Dumbledore unaccounted for.
"I love you, regardless of what has happened up here. I will always love you, whatever the future may have in store."
She kissed him and shivered slightly when his lips responded and with a low moan he put his arms around her. She felt her nipple tingle and a wet spot appeared on the front of her t-shirt.
Gently she wound out of his embrace. "Severus," she said softly, "we must go back, it's time for Susanna's next meal. I'm sorry."
"Yes," his voice was calm again, "let's go back."
He struggled to stand, turned his head from side to side as if looking around for the last time and then they began their way back, Severus leaning on Claire's shoulder. The Auror's face was a picture of relief when they appeared. Realizing how weak Snape was, he offered his shoulder for Snape's free arm and together they dragged and carried the tall man back to the hospital wing, where a very disapproving Madam Pomphrey put him to bed at once.
The news of his recovery had spread fast, because the next morning, when Claire had just entered the hospital wing with Susanna on her hip, Shacklebolt arrived.
He went to the bed, where Snape was eating his breakfast and handed him a roll of parchment.
"Severus Snape, as your condition has improved, you are hereby accused of being a Death Eater and a murderer and summoned to appear before the Wizengammot the day after tomorrow. You will be arrested and taken to the ministry tomorrow morning."
Snape let the letter fall to the floor.
"What use is this? You know perfectly well I can't read."
Shacklebolt mumbled something about following instructions, picked up the letter and put it on the nightstand.
"I've heard you. I'll be ready, you can go now, don't hover over me." Snape spat out.
The Auror shrugged and left.
Snape pushed the breakfast tray away and swung his legs out of the bed and felt for his cane. "I need to go to the bathroom," he said, his voice harsh with reluctance to accept help.
Claire took his free arm and guided him to the door. He was adamant on managing alone inside. Later, when he had dressed, he asked Madam Pomphrey for a self-writing quill and seated himself at a small table near the window. His manner made it clear to the two women that he did not want to be disturbed. Claire tried not to be hurt by his behaviour and took her daughter out for a walk in the sun.
It took Snape two hours of writing and erasing and re-writing until he was satisfied with the document. Then he called Madam Pomphrey and asked her to find Professor McGonnagal.
When the two witches returned, he showed them the document. Professor McGonnagal read it. Once. Twice. Finally she looked up, a strange expression of compassion in her eyes.
"Does she know about this?" Snape shook his head.
"No, I'm sure she wouldn't want it. But I have to make provisions, I'm responsible for her situation. Can you send it to the bank at once, please. I know the ministry froze my account after I – after Albus' death, but there is a second vault in my mother's name, where I keep most of my money and which the officials haven't found out about yet." He clenched his teeth and turned his face away.
Slowly Professor McGonnagal put the parchment on the table and signed it, handing the quill to Madam Pomphrey to do the same. Then she moved her wand over the parchment and it was bathed in a golden glow for a moment. Now the document saying that Severus Snape acknowledged Susanna Saunders as his daughter and that a certain sum of money from his secret vault at Gringot's should be reserved for her education was valid.
"There is something else," Snape had turned and addressed Professor McGonnagal again, "I don't feel comfortable about their living alone in that house in London. It may be dangerous. There are still some Death Eaters at large who may be out for revenge."
"According to my information the house is still watched by Aurors," the old witch answered.
Snape snorted. He didn't believe in the efficiency of anything connected to the Ministry.
An idea began to form in Professor McGonngal's head. She smiled reassuringly, then realized that he couldn't see it and touched his arm.
"I'll find a way of looking after them."
He took her hand. "Thank you."
McGonnagal left the hospital wing, thinking of the brilliant and ambitious, but also ugly, awkward, friendless student this man had been. Perhaps if the teachers had reacted differently, had looked for the reasons for his behaviour, tried to help him instead of giving him detentions for attempting to defend himself, his life and that of many other people would have turned out differently. She sighed. Now it was too late. Too late had he found someone who loved him, all those atrocities that had determined his life prevented him from finding peace and happiness. Too late.
Claire didn't return until after Susanna's afternoon nap. Severus had been waiting for her, pacing up and down the room restlessly.
"Where have you been?" he demanded roughly.
Claire rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Well, you practically threw me out. So I went for a walk, had a nice chat with Hagrid, who still thinks that you don't deserve me, by the way, and who adores Susanna. Then I had to look after our daughter."
"I'm a helpless invalid, you can't leave me alone."
"You are helpless? You are perfectly capable of ordering people around. It's about time you stopped throwing tantrums and behaved like the grown-up man you are!"
They had raised their voices and now stopped, breathless, glaring at each other, at least Claire was. After some minutes' silence he felt for a chair and sat down, burying his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry."
She went over to him and touched his shoulder.
"This is ridiculous. We shouldn't be arguing on a day like this. Why don't we go outside?" There was a small, secluded garden next to the hospital wing with a walnut tree and a bench underneath. He raised his head and nodded. They went outside into the sunshine and sat down, Severus holding Susanna in his lap. The very picture of a happy family, Claire thought bitterly. She could feel the tension of the man next to her.
"Are you afraid of the trial?" she asked.
"Yes."
"What do you expect?"
"Azkaban. They are certainly going to send me there, the only question is for how long."
"But you helped Harry. You saved him."
"I'm still known as a Death Eater and a murderer. I don't expect a mild sentence."
Claire shuddered at the hopelessness of his voice.
"What is Azkaban like?"
"I'm not sure, now that the Dementors are gone, it must be different…
"Dementors?"
"Creatures that drain you of everything happy and of all hope, they cause what you would call depression. But they sided with Voldemort and now it's just an ordinary prison, I suppose, but still not a pleasant place, and being locked away and forgotten is not a pleasant situation." His voice was cool and detached, but she could feel him tremble. She put her head on his shoulder.
"I will never forget you, Severus."
He sighed. "You'll never learn, Claire. Haven't you suffered enough because of me? You are not married to me, we are in no way legally bound. If there is another man…"
"Not legally, no, but what about emotionally? And don't forget the blood we share."
He shook his head.
"Don't waste your life because of me."
"I won't. There's Susanna."
A deep breath, almost a sob. "She deserves a better father. It would be best if she never knew about me."
"Oh, Severus…"
Claire stopped helplessly, she didn't know what to say. Instead she put a reassuring hand on his arm.
"This baby smells," Severus suddenly complained.
Claire laughed, she had heard the telltale noises some time ago.
"Her nappy is full, I must change it."
She took her daughter from him and wanted to rise, but he caught her arm and held her back. "I want – I want to spend the night with you, I mean, I can't, well, do much, but – I don't want to be alone."
"I don't want to be alone, either." She rose. "I'll talk to the Auror.."
The Auror didn't like it, but finally he gave in, allowing Snape to go to Claire's room after he had cast anti-escaping spells and sealed the fireplace against flooing. So they had the evening to themselves. They had dinner and settled their daughter for the night.
"This is what life could be like…," Severus said wistfully when his daughter was peacefully asleep in her cot.
Claire put her arms around him and held him very close. "Don't think about tomorrow," she whispered, "tonight we are here together and I love you."
Then they went to bed and lay in each other's arms, drawing comfort from the embrace until finally sleep came to them.
Thanks to J.K. Rowling for the inspiring characters.