Disclaimer: I own none of the rights to Heartstopper, I am simply here to tell the story I want to tell.

TW: This chapter contains the f slur, themes of being outed, and long explanations of mental health issues, viewer discretion is advised. If you wish to not read the mental health issues, then please stop reading at:

My parents are minding their own business, not knowing what's going on inside my head.

And continue reading at:

And soon enough, we arrived.

AN: This is my first fanfic, so please, feel free to give any constructive criticism in the comment section down below. This story is set in the Alice Oseman universe and is set during the Heartstopper Paris road trip. It also has a flashback element with life events ranging from Today, and Yesterday (Yesterday being the past and Today being the present). This story mostly centers on my OC Camille, and the whole story takes place from her point of view. Well, if you even bothered to read the author's note, or this story at all, I just wanted to say thank you, and happy reading!

Yesterday:

What feels like yesterday was a year ago, it was the school summer trip to Paris, and Amelia, you couldn't have been more excited. Apparently you had some sort of royal French heritage, and were so excited to go around every French palace and act like the princess you truly were. It was on your bucket list, and the funny thing is, was that you never really showed me your bucket list, you talked about it all the time though. You said that you would finally show me what was on it when we got to Paris. You acted like it was a secret, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe you would tell me the reason when we got there.

The bus drive there took about six hours, since we both lived near London at the time, and the whole time. We were just talking, not about anything too important, just, whatever we could think of. I think we could talk for weeks on end and never run out of things to talk about. I'm pretty sure everyone else on the bus was getting annoyed at our constant gossiping though, especially when they were trying to get a few hours of shut eye, but we didn't care, we just kept talking. Now, that I think about it, I can't even remember what we were talking about, but I know it must've been awful lot of fun, because I still remember those little moments to this day. Sitting with you on a bus on our way to Paris.

When we got there, you could see the stars in your eyes. They were shining as bright as the Sun. You immediately wanted to go exploring, but the teacher crushed your spirit when he said "You'll have to wait until tomorrow." But your face lit up again two seconds later when you got a notification on your phone. "The new episode of Falcon and the Winter Soldier just came out!" So, before I could even step out of the bus, you grabbed my wrist and began to pull me up to our hotel room. On our way in, our teacher handed us the key to our room, and after a few minutes of chit chat we ran up to our room, and plopped down one of the beds. "This is a nice room," I said "it's very big."

"Yeah, it is," you replied. "Now, get ready for the next episode of one of the greatest series of all time!" You then proceeded to grab your laptop, pull the covers off along with a plethora of pillows, and sat down. You then tapped your hand on a spot on the bed, ushering me to sit down. So I do, then you pull the covers back on, pull up your laptop, and turned on Falcon and The Winter Soldier. You've always loved Marvel since you were a kid, from the cartoons to the movies. You've always loved them. I wish I had something that stayed with me throughout my life,

But before you died, that was you.

I was only paying half of my attention on the screen, I was too busy looking at you. The way your brown eyes shined in the dim light, and the way your curly brown hair glowed was beyond me. Then, your shocked expression notes that something important happened, so I avert my eyes back to the screen. "Can you believe that just happened!" You said looking over to me. "No, not at all." You gave me a suspicious look and said, "Do you even know what happened?"

"Nope, not one bit." You just laughed and said,

"Well, we should probably get to bed anyway." You said while shutting off your laptop. Normally the bus would arrive at around 6:00, but since the bus was delayed, and there was heaps of traffic, it was a quarter past midnight.

"You're probably right."

"Yeah, well I guess I'll move over to the other bed." But soon as you said that, some of your asshole friends walked in and lied down on the other bed, it was clear that they were drunk, so they passed out immediately. Then you said "Well, not anymore". We both just laughed to the point where we couldn't breathe. Then after the laughter died down, we just stopped, it was like time itself had froze, we both just stopped and stared, admiring each and every little detail.

Then, you lied down in bed and looked at me. I was beginning to realize I was in mystical trance, staring into your eyes. So I stopped, lied down in bed with you, and watched as your eyes slowly become more heavy, but just before you could fall asleep, you said to me "Goodnight Camille." That might not seem like a lot, but seeing you in such a peaceful state, made my stomach begin to make synchronized backflips. So, as I began to watch as your breathing become more steady, my eyes were also beginning to become more heavy. So I said "Goodnight Amelia" and watched as your face was beginning to become more and more distant as my eyes were beginning to shut. I watched as your face, was...

Going, Going, Gone.

Today:

Off in the distance of my dream world, I could hear a beeping sound that felt as though it was continuously getting louder. In my dream, I was running from something, not sure what. Maybe my past coming back to haunt me, or maybe even the remote idea of having to go back to Paris.

The place where you died.

Mum didn't mean to send me back to Paris, she just wanted me to find some new classmates to be friends with before the new school year starts. I'm sorry Amelia, but I had to move. I had to move away from all of the pain and sorrow that haunted me throughout that place since you left. When you died, everyone found out I was gay. I was outed, and since I couldn't take the constant stress of just going to school. We all moved down to somewhere in Kent, and since I couldn't pack up my old school and bring it along with me (nor would I want to). I needed to transfer schools, but since we moved about two weeks ago, I still had a whole summer before I needed to start over.

Before I had to let go of you.

So, then I proceeded to drag myself out of bed, and went downstairs to get myself some breakfast.

"Up already?" asked my Mum, while pouring herself a cup of tea. "Yep," I responded. Then my Mum gave me a worried look and said, "Hey, are you okay? You've been worried about this trip since I brought it up." "Nope, all good" "Sweetie, you can tell me anything, you know that right?" I turned around and gave my Mum a pained look. I didn't say anything, and I didn't need too, that look said it all. So I just collapsed into my Mum's arms, trying not to cry.

Then from the corner of my eye, I notice my sister standing at the top of the stairs. She knew what happened, and that I have to go back and face all of that. So she ran down the steps and embraced me as well as Mom. Then I could see my Dad standing there too. Soon enough it was a family hug. They were all trying to be there for me when nothing else could. They really were the best, and soon enough, the hug was over, and that moment of bliss along with it. Then I said,

"Thanks, really" then my Mum gives me another worried look and said "I can cancel the trip if you really want me too, I know you're worried sick about this trip and that you don't want to go back-" but then I interrupt her and say, "No Mum, I can go, it's fine, really." Why I said that, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe to make Mum feel better? Maybe, or maybe in reality I just wanted to make myself feel better, like if I could convince myself that it would be fine, then maybe it would be. I don't know. It was a fucking stupid thing to do. I just wish I could tell people I wasn't fine instead of convincing everyone that I am. Then my Mum says,

"Are you sure? You don't look fine." "Yeah, Mum really, I can do this." At this point I don't even know why I bother. I should've kept my mouth shut ages ago, and maybe I could've gotten out of this, but no, my stupid self has to keep talking. Then my Mum says,

"Alright, if you say so, but if you need anything-" then I interrupt her yet again saying, "I know, talk to you." Then my Dad makes a comment from out of nowhere saying, "And why couldn't she talk to me about it, I'm her parent too!" Then my Mum laughs and says, "Well yes, of course she can talk to you about it if she needs to." "Well the why did you say she needs to talk to you about it." "Well that's not what I meant to say." Then my Dad began to kiss my Mum to interrupt what ever she was saying. Then I cringed a bit and said,

"Ew you guys, it is too early for this" After saying that, we all just burst into hysterical laughter. I'm not quite sure why, but we all kept laughing until we had tears in our eyes. Then after our fit of laughter, Mum said, "Oh, remember sweetie, we have that information meeting at the school later."

"I know," I try to respond with a calm demeanor, but in reality, I'm scared, I don't know what's going to happen, and that usually scares me. This trip could be the thing I was missing, the thing that fills that empty hole inside of me.

Or it could tear what remains of my world apart.

(Play You Shaped Hole by Baby Queen)

Soon enough we were in the car heading to the information meeting. So I got my earbud case from my pocket, and proceeded to shove them in my ears. Then I hit shuffle on my playlist. It was my only way to drown out the rest of the world.

But it did nothing to help the empty feeling that's still left inside me.

Then You Shaped Hole began to start playing, well that'll certainly help the empty feeling. Have you ever felt as though all of you tears have gone down the drain, and all that's left is a washed out soul that can't seem to move? Well, that's how I feel right now. Drained. As though there's no emotion left. All I can feel is nothing. This is what tends to happen when I stress about something for so long, and when it finally begins to happen, I've exhausted all of the energy I have for running. So, I just give into the feeling of numbness.

But I can't help but tap my fingers along to the awfully cheery sound that this depressing song has. Have you ever listened to a song that sounded way more cheery than the lyrics did? Well, this song was one of them. So I can't help but start to dance along. For me at least, I think this song is a perfect depiction of grief. Every lyric reminds me of how I lost you. The sadness I've faced, and the confusion, of not knowing where to go next. I never known what would've happened after us. I thought I would never be able to go on, but I did, kind of. Not really. I never really got over you.

But I still kept tapping my fingers along to the song, hoping that maybe my sadness will go away if I can just dance to it. It never works though, never have, never will.

My parents are minding their own business, not knowing what's going on inside my head. They never do, and even though there the most supportive parents on the planet. I haven't told them about my mental health issues yet. At least, from what I've discovered from hours of internet research, I have severe anxiety and depression, and lately, it's been getting worse. The voices in my head just keep getting louder, as though there's no way to stop them. They keep telling me I should give up, that I should just call it quits and it will all be okay.

And the worst part is, sometimes I listen.

When they say I should give up, sometimes I do. That's why I've stopped wearing T-shirts months ago, because sometimes, I just can't take it. Most of the time I try not to listen, but all I can imagine myself doing in the process is curling up in a ball, and screaming, and since I definitely can't do that, I just try to get those voices out in the more silent way.

I wish I didn't have to, but I really do. It's my only way out. I wish I could tell me parents, but I can't. I'm not ready. That's okay, right? To not be ready to tell someone your hurting? To still be on the edge of the precipice, and not be ready to tell someone your going to fall. I don't want to fall, but every so often, I do, and the crunch when I hit the ground is so sickening. You'd think someone could hear, but no one can, they can only hear if you shout to the wind that your in pain. The only way for someone to know your hurting, is to tell them that you are. You hope, and wish that they can figure it out themselves, so you don't have to do it yourself, but you do. If only I had the courage to do that, but I don't, not yet.

Maybe, after this trip, I can try. Maybe.

(Just play this rest of the song until it's over, along with imagining Camille is in the car with her parents, driving to the information meeting, or you could just sit in silence for the rest of year, it really doesn't affect me in anyway, whatsoever.)

And then, soon enough we arrived.

So, my Mum pulled the car into a parking space, and said, "Sweetie, are you sure you want to do this? It's not too late to turn around and go home." I hesitated for a moment, I thought of the trip and it's downsides, but I also thought of the upsides. All the fun I could have, but then the voices begin to tell me no. So, I just tell those voices to shut up as I said, "Yeah, I want to do this, let's go." My parents gave me a proud look as we all walked in. The room was massive, it feels like there's at least a hundred people there. So I took a deep breath, and followed my parents to a table close to the stage.

Then the teachers are introduced, and for the next hour, they talk about the trip, and the rules, which I really haven't been paying the slightest bit of attention too. I'm too absorbed in my own thoughts to care. Then I realized that every single student here has a group of friends to hang out with. I didn't have that. So I think the teachers might sign me up with someone random, it's not like anyone's going to want to hang out with the new kid anyway.

Then I heard the teacher from Truham say, "Lastly, rooms will be shared by groups of four or five depending on how many hotel rooms we have, and no, there will be no mingling between boys and girls. Higgs students must share with Higgs students and Truham students with Truham students." Practically everyone in the room groaned at this rule, but I just rolled my eyes, and proceeded to slip back into my own thoughts.

Then someone yelled, "You honestly think that he can stay with the girls! That is outrageous!" It was a different teacher than the ones that were originally on the stage, and since our table was so close to that stage, I could see his name-tag. It said Mr. Reed. Along with that I could see this group of people, that was yelling at the teacher, calling someone who was named Elle a girl. Soon enough it broke out into a fight. Angered parents were yelling, or supporting the teacher and what he was saying, and other students began to fight among themselves. The homophobic ones calling people fags, and the supportive ones arguing with them for calling people that.

Me and my family just watched as the chaos was left to unfold, and it reminded me of all the bullshit I had to deal with last year. The constant uphill battle I had to push through. People called me a fag, disgusting. One time I even had a students parents say to me, right to my face. That I should go to hell. What the fuck did I do to deserve that? Just loving by loving someone, or being who you really are? That's a load of pure unfiltered bullshit, and I wasn't about to let that happen to someone else. So I clenched my fist, slammed my other hand down on the table, and said,

"Stop!" It turns out that I slammed my hand on the table so hard that my Mum's glass water bottle crashed on the floor along with a million glass pieces scattered everywhere.

Well, that certainly got their attention.

Then I said to Mr. Reed, "You have no right to say that!" In that moment, you could almost feel everyone's eyes on you. You didn't even have to look to know that they were all staring at you. Then he said,

"I am simply doing what needs to be done. This want to be girl can't stay with the rest of the girls, just because he feels he can."

This made me even more angry, so I stomped right onto the stage and told the teacher, "Just because you feel as though people like us aren't human. Doesn't mean that we still are, and we go through the same everyday shit that you do, but on top of that we have to deal with your bigotry and hate, why? Why must we struggle to make you feel as though we are human? That we aren't some kind of monsters." This left him in utter shock. So he just sat there, silent. "Huh? Have a good comeback for that one, or did I finally shut you up?" After a few moments of looking around the room, he finally stormed off.

Then the teacher from Higgs said, "I am so sorry for what just happened there, we will make sure that this never happens again." Then the teacher from Truham nodded and said, "Yes, this kind of harassment will lead him to getting fired."

As the teachers kept repeatedly apologizing for the incident, I went to go get a broom and a dust pan to clean up the mess I made. After coming out of the janitor's closet with a broom and a dust pan, I began to clean up the mess while I said to my Mum, "Sorry that I broke your water bottle." "It's okay, you were standing up for her, that was brave." "I was just doing what I had to be done."

"You can go talk to them if you want." said my Mum while pointing to the group from earlier. "No, not yet." "Alright, just promise me one thing." "Yeah?" "At least try and make one friend on this trip, okay? I don't want you to have to go into this school year with no friends." I hesitated for a moment, not sure what to say. Then I said, "Alright, I'll try." "That's my girl, now, let's get out of here before anything else happens." "Okay," but as we were leaving, I could see Elle, the girl I stood up for earlier looking at me, then asking the Higgs teacher something while pointing at me. I'm not quite sure what it meant, so I just kept walking.

(Play IDK You Yet by Alexander 23)

Soon enough, I was home and laying down in bed in a sprawled out position. I was bored, so I took my earbuds from my pocket and shoved them in my ears, and hit shuffle. It began to start playing IDK You Yet.

It sounds exactly how I'm feeling, could I make new friends, or would I screw up in the process? Maybe I just needed that one person, that one thing that could make me feel whole again. I just didn't know them yet. If only I did. We could laugh, and talk just like how you and me did, but at the same time. It feels as though I'm betraying your memory by doing that. As if you never existed.

Maybe I wasn't ready, but I couldn't shake this nagging feeling like it might be too late. Maybe it was time to try and move on. Maybe I could just try, and I might feel okay again, but this was only the beginning.

I still had a long journey ahead if I was going to get over you.

(Just play the rest of the song until it's over)