She swam in hot waves, nothing solid, no up or down. Just one silent space, in the distance... She pulled herself to the quiet desperately, fighting not to drown in the heat and the fear and the hatred.
No, it was all wrong. Not liquid. Thought. And emotion. This scent was the scent of ... home? Home is.. the cool metallic scent of metal. Of blood. Deeper, then… Of apples. Yes. She loved apples and the scent of them took her to ...
No. He loved apples. She loved peaches.
Not a rock at all. A man, a man of instinct. A man who loved apples. The scent of them reminded him of home. Not the home of metal and oil and weapons and blood. But…
Home.
It wasn't right, her being here, she suddenly realized. It was an ... invasion.
She tried to pull away, to go... anywhere - but was surrounded on all sides by the maelstrom of scent and sound and the omnipresent taste of blood and the hot waves and the place where nothing was up or down or bright. She pretended to cover her eyes and tried to make herself small, so small as to be invisible. He wouldn't have to know she'd ever been here if she could just make herself small enough and quiet. The scent of apples lulled her.
She felt the gun resting between her shoulder blades and sensed the mind outside the door. Still, she crouched, silent and fearful in the brightest, quietest corner of his mind, a farm on an autumn day. Even the knawing hunger in his belly hadn't stopped him from seeing the perfect beauty of that day.
She saw a distorted reflection - a boy not much older than she was - tall, well-built, though not yet with the heavy musculature of maturity. Eyes as blue as the sky he stood under, dark hair surprisingly long and heavy.
The mind outside the door paused.
The gun still lay heavy between her shoulder blades.
The steady breath of her bunkmate might have convinced her that he slept, except... he didn't. Though he had not sensed the potential danger outside the door, he was awake if not alert.
She took a deep breath, breathing in his scent, her nose nearly flush against his thinly shirted chest inside the heavy coat. His heat swirled through her, warmed her, became a part of her. For a moment she was a creature of pure sensation, the arm on his side bent over his caged heartbeat, her palm flat in the center of his back, his scent in her nose. Her mouth watered as she imagined the undoubtedly salty taste of him- then -
One second, the gorram girl was muttering in her sleep, tossing her head minutely, making Jayne wonder if it was time to wake her again. Then, with a deep breath, like a wraith she was gone - replaced by a rush of cold air. She rolled out of his arms and landed on the floor in a crouch that raised the hackles on his neck. She wasn't dreamin' - somethin' was out there.
The darkness was fading a bit, making him aware that it was nearly dawn at last.
Her head turned minutely toward the small window on the left side of the room, and before Jayne could wrap his head around her intent, she dashed toward it, silent and deadly, the dark purple cheongsam glinting black-on-black in the near dark.
The window seemed to melt before her dimly lit hands in the grey pre-dawn light, and like a ghost, she was through it, as silent as air.
Jayne rolled out of the shelf, and crabbed to the side of the door, gun in hand. He assumed that she meant to waylay an intruder at the door outside - when he heard something, he meant to rip the door open and assist.
He waited.
Finally, just as he was about to give up and burst through anyway, a faint thump. With a sigh of relief, he pulled the door open.
It was still snowing. Five feet away, a dark shape in the snow. Then slowly, she stood and pulled up a smaller shape with her.
Jayne blinked.
It was a kid. A...a little kid - maybe ten years old? He wasn't sure, not bein' an expert.
With the kid's wrist in her grip, River walked past him, back into the shack, her face blank. He wondered then if she really was awake, after all.
Then he put on his game face. If the kid knew anything, he was gonna hafta tell.
Jayne had no illusions about the usefulness of fear. Fear kept a person alive, if it was applied correctly. Fear could make a person do things they never thought they could or would. Fear was the key to making everything go his way if he could inspire more than he felt. He felt pretty confident that he could intimidate the kid.
When he turned into the small room, he found River pulling something out of the kid's coat - a heat-flash! Jayne wasn't sure he'd ever been so happy to see one - it was a pocket-sized device meant to heat a small space for a time. Coincidentally, it made light. Lots of folks who lived in the cold areas of the 'verse had 'em lyin' around - they was handy devices in the cold. Many a life had been saved by'em, that was for sure.
When River tapped the switch, it obediently came to life and illuminated the small room they stood in. It was even less accommodating than he'd thought in the dark. Nothing there in the gray room but the sleeping shelf, the counter next to the non-working electric stove and random pieces of garbage. And the girl. And the kid.
Stalking across the small room, Jayne snatched up the stinking sleeping bag and tossed it to River, who caught it and wrapped it around herself in one graceful movement, her breath puffing out in a white cloud.
Then Jayne's eyes went back to the child, who looked only at the heat-flash. He scowled mightily, then grabbed the kid's arm, just hard enough to get his attention.
"What the hell you doin' out here?" he asked roughly.
The boy looked up at him then, saying nothing. Jayne noticed that the kid's left eye had a misshapen pupil and was two shades lighter brown than the right. A strawberry birthmark marred one cheek. Another gene dupe, he thought.
"Well?" he asked the kid, giving him a light shake.
River's hand gently fell on his where he held the child's arm. When his eyes shot up to hers, she only looked at him pleadingly.
He scowled. Damn womenfolk always fell in with the kids, couldn't convince'em otherwise.
He tried to ignore her. "Cat got your tongue, boy?" he asked the kid, giving him another shake.
River's hand still lay atop his own.
"A tool," she said softly. "A tool with a soul, a mistake. Break the tool, free the soul..." She stared down at the child who still had said nothing. Then she slowly pushed back the hood that covered the child's hair. Red hair. It tumbled out, long and tangled.
Jayne dropped the kid's arm as if he'd been burned. It was a clone - and it was a girl.
His mind flashed back to his two quick sightings of Mal's friend, Perri Callum. Once over the com while Mal had been talking to her, and his one quick glance at her in the restaurant just before the gunfire started.
This was a clone of her.
"..What the hell..?"
River's hand caressed the child's cheek gently, then she knelt in front of the girl and smiled, placing her palms firmly on the child's cheeks. She bowed her head until her forehead was nearly touching the little girl's.
"So few words here," she said. "Only...hunger...and fear. Sorrow and loss." She was silent for a moment, then - "Memories in the flesh!" she cried out, looking shocked.
Her hands dropped abruptly as she stood and looked at Jayne, who was just staring at this event as if he was worried that she would grow horns at any moment.
She looked up at him wonderingly. Her mind had touched on something so... unbelievable, so unlikely - that she could hardly believe it herself. "All copies," she said, her eyes wide. "Every one of them. Every one with a... spark - every one the same, yet...not."
What the hell? Jayne was more than stumped, he was completely in the dark.
The girl child standing quiet between them cut her odd eyes from River to Jayne and back again. Then, with almost no warning, she dashed for the door.
Jayne lunged and grabbed the back of the kid's coat, pulling her up off the floor and into the curve of his arm, where she kicked and struggled like a feral cat, all in absolute silence.
He was afraid he'd break the kid, for a truth, but didn't know what else to do with it. If he let it go, it would surely go tell someone where they were, and then he'd be dealing with crazy dupes and crazy River Tam. He wasn't sure if he was quite up to it just yet. He just wanted some hot tea and a private place to empty his aching bladder.
Abruptly, he felt the kid begin to relax against his hold and looked up to see River making gestures with her hands - sign language! One piece of the puzzle fell into place for him. The kid was deaf, that's why it was so quiet.
"Tell it we won't hurt it if it don't give us no trouble," he directed River, not having much hope that she would be able to communicate much better with the kid than she did with anyone else.
River looked up. "Sarah," she said clearly.
Jayne shrugged. He didn't need to know the dupe's name. All he needed to know was whether or not that service shield was up or down and whether or not it was safe to turn on his tracker. It was possible that someone in the town could follow it besides Serenity - and he wasn't even sure Serenity would answer. Hell, only the preacher and Inara had been aboard last night - and River'd said that the dupes was waitin' there. Possibly, they might have to fight their own way on board and rescue the others instead of waitin' to be rescued themselves.
And damn, he was hungry.
As he considered, River gently wrapped her arm around the child. Meeting his eyes, she tugged, and he let go of the kid, letting it slide to the floor and into River's grasp. She pulled the girl to the counter, where both of them sat down on it next to the heat-flash, their hands moving in a blur.
Jayne shifted from foot to foot and sighed impatiently. If he was gonna be outta bed, he wanted to do something. Something besides watch crazy River talk to this kid-dupe with her hands.
He tried not to think about the night just past - it served no purpose. Yet, he couldn't help himself. The more distance he got on it, the less comfortable he was with the night and how he had passed it with the girl in his arms. Now, in the dawn light, it seemed impossible that he had felt such... soft feelin's for her - even though he knew he'd only have to scratch the surface of his brain to feel'em again. And he didn't like it. Bein' soft was like to get a man killed, like to get him killed.
And then there was her... grabbin' him. Just the thought of that made him get a warm feelin' in his lower anatomy, so he moved his brain on to other things, like whether or not she was like to discuss that with anyone. Damn, he didn't wanna get left here on this stupid planet full of crazy gene dupes! He might be leavin' Serenity soon, but he'd prefer it to be on a planet where he could find work and not be dealin' with whatever the hell was goin' on here.
Finally, impatiently, he said - "So, I figure the shield's down, right? We need ta find Wash and Zoe, is what. Cap'n is out of it, even if he ain't dead - doc and Kaylee ain't fighters. We need Zoe."
From the doorway, a laconic voice said, "I'm touched. Did you just say you needed me?"
Jayne spun to face the door, only to find Zoe leaning there, collar up against the cold, gun on her hip.
Jayne's jaw dropped. "How in the hell...?
Zoe stepped in, shrugging. "Tracker," she said, as if he was stupid.
He shook his head. "I never - " Then his eyes shot to River, where she continued to speak with the child.
River looked up at him, her eyes sad. "So many dying," she said. "Poison air..."
Jayne looked around suspiciously, as if he might be able to actually see poison in the atmosphere. "Readin's all checked out 'fore we landed," he said. "Ain't no poison in the air, can't be."
She only arched an eyebrow at him as her hands continued to speak with the child's.
Zoe's eyes took in River and the strange child assessingly. "What's goin' on, here?" she asked.
Jayne shrugged. "Hell if I know. Crazy girl jumped outta bed, went through the window and come back in through the door draggin' this kid," he said. "Now she's spoutin' crazy-talk. As usual." Jayne tipped his chin at Zoe. "What about you? What's the sitch?"
Zoe's brow arched when Jayne mentioned 'bed', but she refrained from commenting. "Snafu, as usual," she said. "Dirt factions at war with one another - captain took a shot, which I guess you know. Simon fixed'im up pretty good, but it's like to be awhile before he's leavin' his bunk."
Jayne shifted from foot to foot, glancing from Zoe to River, who was smiling at the dupe, then back again. "Reckon cap'n took a dim view o'me duckin' out, huh?" he said, scowling. "Had to look out for this girl, though - she's crazy. 'Sides that, I thought the cap'n was dead when I seen 'im hit the floor like he did."
Zoe only looked back at him, her face impassive. Then, the child caught her eye, and she smiled down at her. "What's your name, little one?" she asked.
The little girl only stared up, silent.
"Just a dupe," Jayne said. "It can't hear nor speak, as far as I can tell." He gestured vaguely in River's direction. "Crazy girl over there knows the sign language, but there ain't no way to tell if her hands is as crazy as her mouth is."
After a moment, Zoe only arched one brow at him. "Really?"
Jayne just looked at her and shrugged.
Zoe sighed. "Alright," she said, "bring the child with us for now. We're headed back to Serenity."
For a second, before he had time to stop himself, Jayne felt a flash of pure jealousy at the wide smile River threw at Zoe. So he scowled.
Back on board Serenity, River disappeared into the med lab with the dupe while Jayne and Zoe went to see Mal in his bunk where he insisted on staying. Jayne wondered how a man with a sucking chest wound got down a ladder, but then thought about staying in the med lab. Not particularly hospitable. He'd rather risk it his own self rather than spend the night there.
"Hey, Mal," he said, as Mal's eye fluttered open. "I see ya got y'self shot – again."
Mal's eyes narrowed. "And I see that even with all that taxin' runnin' away, you seem to be in pretty decent health."
Jayne had expected this. "Look, there wasn't nothin' I could do there – right off, when I seen ya fall, I thought ya was dead, til the Tam girl told me different. I was headed back to Serenity with her, so's I could get some help, but she told me them dupes was here. So then we decided to find a place to lay low until we could get some help. At some point, I reckon she decided the coast was clear, cause she activated the tracker, and Zoe used it to find us." He narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't runnin' off – well, I was runnin' off, but I had a plan."
Mal stared at him assessingly. "Sounds a sight more like she had a plan and you was just along for the ride."
Jayne ground his teeth. "Well," he said, "you're like to think what you will."
Mal's eyes cut to Zoe. "What do you think, Zoe?" he asked.
For a moment, Zoe stared at Jayne, her eyes unreadable. Then she shook her head. "I think he did the right thing, sir," she said.
Jayne nearly fell over, he was so surprised.
Mal was unfazed. "Ya think?" was all he said.
"Yes, sir," she reiterated. "Jayne has come to terms with trustin' the girl's instincts, and it may have saved their lives. He's right that there weren't nothin' he could have done in the restaurant, and I reckon if any of ya had been in danger of dyin' the girl would have known it. So, yeah – I think he did the right thing."
Mal considered for a moment, then sighed. "Reckon you're right, Zoe," he finally said tiredly. "Why don't y'all go have some breakfast and let me have a nap. When I get up, we'll decide what we're gonna do, alright?"
Zoe stepped up to Mal's bed, put her hand on his bare shoulder. "Should I send the doc down?" she asked softly.
His eyelids slowly lifted, and he smiled. "Naw…" he said. "Why don't ya.. send Inara down to speak wi' me for a minute, though?"
Zoe smiled. "Sure thing, sir."
Despite his stated desire to be present for the meeting, no one bothered Mal.
Wash as usual, made an attempt to boil the situation down to it's bare bones.
"So, let me get this straight," he said to everyone in general, since they were all gathered around the table in the mess. "Just about everyone in the city is a clone? The doc that lived here cloned himself, then died, and his clone kept on clonin' everyone else?"
Simon nodded. "I know it sounds incredible, but with everyone either dying or leaving, it must have seemed the thing to do." He shrugged. "To someone, anyway."
Wash wasn't finished, though. "So, what was all the shooting about, then?"
This is where Zoe stepped in. "Well, near as I can tell, there's two kinds a' thought here – there's those that would like to ask the Alliance for help with their problems, and those that're pretty sure that the Alliance will kill every last one of'em. Those that want help, called us. Those that don't want Alliance help, shot us."
"And what exactly is the problem?" This from Inara.
"Well," Simon answered, "there's a mold here that thrives in lung tissue." At everyone's generally startled look, he rushed to reassure them. "Oh, it would take months to become established, so we're not at any particular risk," he said. "The settlers were here for years before it mutated and it was a while before any of them started showing symptoms. When they did start showing them, they began dying very soon after." He shrugged, rubbing his eyes with one hand. "It's likely that the doctor cloned himself when he realized that he was infected – most likely, he'd waved the Alliance for help and been denied. Then, when he died, his clone began doing what he knew how to do – which was to clone. The first generation were all cloned as adults, fully vat-grown. When they found that the mold acted even more quickly on them than it did on their predecessors, they must have thought that bringing out a generation of children might slow the mold a bit, or give the children a chance to develop an immunity to it. Unfortunately – "
"They died."
Everyone looked at River, whose eyes were glassy.
"Only a few lived more than a few days," she went on, her eyes turned toward the medlab where the young girl named Sarah lay. "Just dying more slowly."
Kaylee's hand gripped her mouth. "All the… kids.. H- how many?"
Simon just shook his head and shrugged.
All of them looked up at Zoe's loud sigh. "And that ain't all the problem, either," she said. She shook her head, looking from one troubled face to another. "Ain't no help comin' for these folk, y'all gotta know that.. Alliance figures out what happened here, they'll wipe every one of'em off the face o' this planet, then they'll close the planet down. There ain't no hope for'em."
"Probably not much even Alliance doctors could do for them anyway," Simon threw out. "The kind of damage this does to the lungs, it would likely be nearly impossible to reverse even in strong healthy people, but in this weakened clone-stock…" He shook his head.
"You mean – there ain't nothin' we can do to help these people?" Kaylee said weakly, her eyes huge.
Wash looked at her sympathetically, while Inara placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.
"Is there anything we can do to make them more comfortable?" Inara asked.
Jayne, meanwhile, kept his mouth shut. Well, except for the fact that he was shoveling food down his gullet as fast as he could. Damn, he hated bein' hungry. Seemed sometimes that once he got that way, it took him days to get the feelin' outta his belly. So, he shoveled in noodles while he listened.
As for himself, he wasn't sure if he even cared about what was goin' on here. Hell, he was pretty sure he didn't. He was pretty sure, too, that there was a reason the Alliance didn't recognize gene dupes as bein' human. It seemed likely to him that somethin' created from the crappiest dna of a man shouldn't get a chance to be called human – hell, that's why it was illegal to make dupes.
He just shook his head as the others talked. Then he saw her. She was lookin' at him. Right at him. He immediately felt guilty.
"What?" he asked her, belligerent.
For a second, no one reacted, just looked from one of them to the other.
River approached him where he lounged against the wall, eating his noodles. "You're afraid," she said clearly.
He straightened and dropped his chopsticks into the bowl, glaring down at her. "I ain't scared o'nothin', little girl," he stated, deliberately forgetting the shock of fear that had clenched his guts when she had suggested sharing last night's sleeping accomodations. "Just 'cause I know this ain't my fight and there ain't nothin' we can do here anyway don't make me afraid. Just makes me … practical."
The two of them glared at one another for a long moment, while the others looked on. Then, just as Zoe took a breath to break the stare-down, River pounced, cat-like. She grabbed Jayne's head between the palms of her hands.
The bowl of noodles fell to the floor with a crash.
He never thought to fight her. He fell in slow motion to one knee before her, her hands still gripped to the sides of his head, his mouth slightly open as he looked up at her in horror.
It happened so quickly that no one, not even Zoe, had a chance to react. As quickly as she had grabbed him, she pushed him away, and Jayne slid down the wall behind him until he was in a sitting position, a look of absolute horror burned onto his face.
Simon grabbed River and pulled her away as Jayne continued to stare at her.
"River! What have you done!"
The others began to converge on Jayne, trying to ascertain what damage had been done to him. As he slowly began to rise from the floor, Simon shook River to get her attention. "What did you do?" he demanded.
She looked into her brother's eyes. "I gave him her life," she said, her voice breaking. "He should know."
Simon was trying to be patient, but something told him that when Jayne recovered, he'd be wanting blood. He had no time for niceties. "Just tell me exactly what you did," he said.
River's eyes overflowed as she met Jayne's gaze. "I gave him her memories," she said brokenly. "Sarah's"
At his narrow-eyed glare, River reached out to Jayne, only to have him step forward and violently slap her hand away.
At her soft cry, he growled and turned to Simon. "You better put yourself to keepin' this girl's hands offa me," he snarled, "and I mean in every way. She lays hands on me again, I'm liable to put a serious hurt on her, and I ain't bluffin' - you get my drift?"
Simon nodded, drawing a breath to say something, but Jayne cut him off. "I don't want to see her hangin' around me no more, either," he continued. "If I do, I'll teach her if you can't. Dong ma?"
Kaylee, ever the peacemaker, put her hand on Jayne's arm, hoping to calm him some. He turned on her with a growl, nearly lashing out. Instead, he pushed her out of his way and turned for the door, striding through it before anyone could stop him.
When River made to follow him, Simon forcibly pulled her back, then pulled her sobbing face into his shoulder.
What the hell had just happened?
Once in his bunk, door locked, Jayne stepped back and forth in the small space once or twice before slamming his fist into the wall violently – once, then again.
What had the damn girl done to him?
He gripped his head, then sat on the edge of his bunk, grinding his teeth to keep from crying out. The witchy girl had put - thoughts – memories – into him that wasn't his. It was the girl, the deaf-mute, he understood that. And what she knew was at complete odds with the rest of his mind. Her despair nearly overwhelmed him, and for the first time since he was a boy, Jayne felt tears burning in his eyes.
God damn River Tam for doing this to him – he'd kill her when he saw her again, he swore he would.
He groaned, and pressed his hands over his eyes. Oh, the cold and the dark! Why had he gone there? What had drawn him to them – her to them, he meant? It was the child's thoughts. The child's hunger that burned in his guts like no other hunger he'd ever felt in all his hungry life.
He groaned again, then pressed his hand over his mouth to keep it silent. He couldn't do this, he couldn't –
Lying down on his bunk, he curled up, his knees to his chest, and closed his eyes. Trying to breath deep, he tried to calm himself and think the thoughts he knew were his own thoughts.
After a long while, he slept.
Hours later, while Serenity slumbered, River crept down the ladder in Jayne's bunk. Overriding the security code on his door had been child's play for her.
He didn't move as she approached, but she saw how he curled into himself, and she wanted to cry. She knew what he felt – she felt it all the time, the feelings of more than one person all wrapped up in one little brain. Too much knowledge, too many facts – too many of them at odds with one another. So hard to find oneself in the maddening center of voices and selves. She knew.
She sat on the floor and reached for him, laying her hand against his back softly. Closing her eyes, she dove, dove into the darkness of another mind as she hadn't done since the Academy. Doing this could hurt a person, she knew that – she had ripped more than one mind to pieces like this. So she was careful, so very careful not to touch. She searched for one specific place, one cool quiet place…
The farm on an autumn day. Yes, there it was. So bright, so perfect – so right.
He was there, as she had known he would be.
The boy turned, but didn't recognize her. How could he? He wouldn't meet her for years, yet. Perhaps she hadn't even been born when he'd had this dream…
She held out her hand to him, but he only turned away, looking out across the water of the small pond. This was where she'd seen his reflection, before.
"I've come," she said. Her voice echoed between them, even though she stood so close.
She was so grateful that here, if nowhere else, she might be understood.
He looked over his shoulder, and there were tears in his young/old eyes. "I'm so hungry," he said.
She smiled a tremulous smile full of sorrow. "I'll take away your hunger," she murmured. "I'll give you something else in it's place, I promise."
"Why?" he asked, plainitively.
She lay her hand against his back (an echo of the metal room behind them in the darkness of the future) and stroked him lightly.
"You're alone because you choose to be," she said, as if this was the answer to his question, and it seemed perfectly logical in this dream place of bright sun and his unnaturally darkened eyes.
And as she stroked his back, her hand came away dirty, and she rubbed this detritus on her own arm where it clung. She liked how literal his dream symbols were, felt relieved that his mind wasn't going to trick her. She continued to stroke the darkness from him.
"You have fear," she went on. "And it keeps you alone – but you don't have to be." She turned her face to the sun and felt it's warmth on her cheeks.
He looked back over his shoulder at her, his eyes lighter now.
"Do you understand?" she asked.
The boy under her hand only shrugged, but when he turned back to her, his eyes were the wild blue of the man he would someday be. She gazed on him, wanting to remember that this sad, hungry boy lived inside the ruthless man they all knew.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
Her smile faded, but she wouldn't lie. "I was angry and I hurt you," she admitted. "I.. I've come to take that hurt away and ask you to forgive me."
Slowly, the boy who would be Jayne lifted his hand, already man-sized, and touched her cheek.
She turned her face into his hot palm with a sad, hungry sigh. She would remember that once he had been like this. That once he would have touched her by choice…
His hand slid softly down her throat, where his fingertips lingered on her fragile collarbone. He leaned in, his mouth close to her ear.
"… I'll never forgive you," he whispered savagely. Then he pushed, with all his might, and she fell, fell into the black as panic closed over her head and he stepped out of her desperate grasp.