The Doctor and Rose Answer Fans' Letters

Or, Nota ut Coitus Terminus

Or, Blood on the Water

Or, As You Like It

By Goodlycreatures

"Gosh, it's a huge pile this month, Rose. Hugely, hugely huge! Come on – let's have 'em!"

"Yeah. Can't see why we're doin' all this, Doctor. It'll take forever."

"Ah! What's time to lords of time, eh?"

"Yeah, 'bout that…"

"The letters!"

"Hmm. Well, reckon I should divide 'em into the usual piles?"

"What, obsessively technical questions on the left, romantic propositions on the right, with the separate pile for Captain Jack; death threats on the console, and throw the rest into the air?"

"Somethin' like that. Oh hey: this one's from that Master fella. Wha'dya think he wants? Last one he sent went on and on about your academy days. Remember?"

"Yeah – all that stuff about 'when the universe was young and still smelt of freshly baked bread.' Never got him. All right: what does he want?"

"Um, okay, here goes. 'Dearest Doctor. I trust this missive finds you mostly alive.'"

"Hmm, good start. Like the 'missive' bit. Very him."

"Anyways. 'It has occurred to me I never fully extended my thanks to you for assisting me with the end of that messy 'Kronos' affair.' Kronos?"

"Ooo, that was ages ago. Something about a small bird. Minotaur, time vortexes. It was an Atlantian tragedy. And he does a lousy accent. Anyway, carry on."

"Right. Um, 'I recognise it has been some time since we last 'crossed swords', as the poets say, but should you ever be temporally out of sorts, look me up. We'll always have the Eye of Harmony. PS. I have recently finished cultivating a most devilishly luxurious goatee.'"

"Strange chap."

"Yes – how ood."

"'Odd', Rose. It's 'odd'. Just let it go. Right-ho! Next!"

"This one's from… Oh. Nah, let's look at another."

"Who?"

"The name's Jeanne-Antoinette."

"Pretty."

"French."

"Interesting."

"Slut."

"Reinette!"

"Just let her go, Doctor!"

"What does she have to say? Does she send smooches? Girls like smooches!"

"What have I told you? Um, she says blah, blah, blah, Seven Years War. Blah, blah, No longer sleeping with the King. Oh, this just goes on and on. Um, lonely angel, worth the monsters… You get the general idea. Wants you to write back; says you never do."

"Well, you know, I keep, that is, I mean to, um, I keep meaning to do something about that… Ur, maybe I'll just read the next letter."

"Ha!"

"Right, this one is from, huh… I can't read this writing. Weird… Oh, what's this: 'see footnote translation'. Ah, let's see… Oh! Right! Um, Rose, the Beast sends his warmest regards, and says he still plans to rise from the pit with his armies and wage war on God. Hmm. Well, that's nice, then."

"How…"

"Alright, say it…"

"How ood!"

"Happy?"

"Yep! But should we, you know… do something?

"Hmm. He might be a bit disappointed with what he finds. Ooo, this one's from Mickey! So, how's old mick-mick, mucka-muck sticky-wicket Mickey? 'Oi, you two! I read that la'est story, like, with you two doin' the dir'y all over the con-sol, you fil-fy cre-churs. You, Doctor: keep your 'airy mitts off my Rose. Mickey.' Aw, how cute: he writes just like he talks! Garcon d'idiot!"

"Mickey! Was! A! Considerate! Lover!"

"How am I not considerate? I used conductive gel!"

"You filled me with your Time Lord – stuff ­– and now suddenly I can feel the galaxy turning, talk to birthing star stuff, and see all of time and space! Oh, and p.s., I'm a flippin' Time Lord! I'll give you Barcelona!"

"Any more letters?"

"Yes! Every single one of your companions, either living or dead, send their regards and beg you, yes, beg you, to stop shaggin' everything that moves! And grow some tact!"

"Ah, now, probably need to explain something there."

"What? That you're a git?"

"Well, it's just that, rather, well, the thing being, in the truth of it all, to recap in a slightly clearer version, it was just you. Hmm. Needed to be said, I think. Hmm."

"What about Leela and her magic thighs? Liz Shaw's third nipple?"

"Oh, well, that all happened. Lips and tongues and fingers and toes and so forth. But you were the only companion I ever had."

"Doctor, you've travelled with lots of companions!"

"You were the only companion I ever had."

"Oh. Ah."

"Quite."

"Next letter?"

"Next letter."

"Right. Here's one. Hang on. Oh."

"What?"

"Um, it just says 'Dear Doctor. Thank you.'"

"Just that?"

"Yes."

"No name or address?"

"No. Just that. 'Thank you.'"

"Ah. That's… Mmm. Yes."

"Yes."

"Rose, I think we deserve a break. Enough answers for one day, eh? Toast?"

"Thank you."

-End