Chapter 2
(In which Edwin fails to learn that not all concubines are gasping concubines, and Raesa attempts to woo a suddenly reluctant Salvanas. Much hilarity ensues, and Minsc becomes confused in regards to his gradation of the evilness of wizards. The Feeblemind spell shows no sign of wearing off. Sarevok wonders if he should have remained a disembodied entity.)
Subtitle:
"Why you should always cast 'Resist magic' on yourself before going of into battle."
Standard disclaimer:
Edwin voiceover:
-While generally not as satisfying as its more destructive counterparts, the Feeblemind spell is indeed a weapon of terrible potency and its effects should not be easily discounted. Not only does one's intellect shrink to near Minscian dimensions under its influence, but, far more sinisterly, vivid hallucinations are commonly reported to occur, lasting for the duration of the spell. These imaginings would usually be the hapless victim's worst nightmare come to life. Even death has been known to occur; the cause later diagnosed to be 'acute stupidity'.-
Thank you.
-Our merry band of hopelessly confused adventurers watches in horrified fascination as their illustrious leader throws herself at the previously unknown elf, now revealed to be none other then Salvanas, conqueror of women, known throughout Faerun for his skill at love. Roll drums. The full meaning of the expression 'ignorance is bliss' dawns on the party. The disturbing turn of events has even Boo baffled. Minsc, in turn, is delighted at the reappearance of 'the nice elf'.-
Jaheira: (looks at Raesa) What has brought this on? Have we not agreed this is not the time for these childish indulgences? I swear, you have the attention span of a five year old. (shakes head disapprovingly)
Minsc: Look, Boo! It is the nice elf again. Wave to the nice elf, Boo!
Boo: (doesn't dignify Minsc's ramblings with an answer)
Raesa: (positively beaming with unnatural joy) Salvanas, my love, where have you been all this time? I have missed you so.
Salvanas: (looks around hurriedly, eyes wide) Are you talking to me? Err… of course you are. Who else could you be talking to? I have missed you terribly as well, my dear… err… Celia? (tries again at Raesa's frown) Gwen? (pales while her previous expression of joy dims gradually and then quickly transforms into a raging scowl) Err…Maria? (now in a desperate tone of voice) Kayla?
Raesa: (growls) Who are all these wenches!
Anomen: (finally manages to find his voice) Raesa, what…
Salvanas: (breathes a sigh of relief and cuts in) Raesa! Yes, that is what I meant to say in no uncertain terms. My darling Raesa. Forgive me my sweet, but the sudden sight of your divine face has had the delightful side affect of causing all thought to flee from my head.
Imoen: (mutters) What thought?
Raesa: (considers) If you're lying…
Salvanas: (continues hurriedly) I assure you, my mind is now, as ever, a complete blank. (the party rolls eyes at Salvanas) When I gaze upon you, I have but one thought; the maddening desire to caress you once more!
The party: (reaction can only be described as: 'Yuck!' All then turn to Raesa, expecting her to pummel the idiot elf into next Tuesday)
- Sadly, this does not happen -
Sarevok: Once more? (looks at Raesa in confusion) Please tell me that this is not one of your previous lovers. My opinion of you is low enough as it is.
Raesa: (blushes, oblivious to the world) Oh, Salvanas, you have such a way with words.
Salvanas: I do? Err… yes, I am aware of this.
Jaheira: (sighs) Child, I know you mean it in jest, but you should not bait the idiot so. Even the lowest of nature's creatures should be treated with a modicum of sympathy. Do not further his delusions.
Imoen: Yeah. Come on, sis, enough is enough. You know I'm all for a good joke, but you're starting to creep me out, here.
Edwin: Bah! I am not wasting my time on these insipid simian mating rituals. There are far better things to occupy my superior intellect with. I am off to study my spells. Be warned! I have a fireball ready for anyone who dares disturb my highly intellectual pursuits. (Curses! Where are the concubines? They must be somewhere around here.) (leaves to speak with the innkeeper, gold coins clinking with every step)
Raesa: (suddenly rushes forward and envelops Salvanas in a passionate embrace)
Anomen and Jaheira: My lady/ Raesa! (a stunned silence follows)
Salvanas: (baffled) Is this really happening? (pinches himself) Ouch!
-Meanwhile, in the world of Minsc-
Minsc: (completely oblivious to his companions' growing horror) It does Minsc's heart good to see the nice elf and little Raesa become such fast friends. I did not understand why Raesa butt-kicked the nice elf before. All he did was kiss her hand! Boo always tells me this is what a gently… gentle… (hurriedly consults with the hamster) Ah yes; something a - g e n t l e m a n - does. There is nothing wrong with being a gentle man, I tell you! Minsc is a gentle man; the kind of gentle that crushes evil foes into chunky little foe bits and strikes fear into the cowardly hearts of evildoers everywhere!
Sarevok: (without averting his eyes from the hideous sight before him) And to think this is the party that orchestrated my downfall. (shakes head) I am deeply shamed.
Minsc: (sighs contentedly, ignoring Sarevok, then stops and thinks back a moment, frowning) Imoen, Minsc is confused. Before Raesa butt-kicked the nice elf, he had also said some very strange words Minsc did not understand, but Boo said the words are used to describe things that happen between men and women. Right, Boo?
Boo: (does the hamster version of a groan)
Imoen: (glances away from Raesa and Salvanas, gagging, grateful for the momentary distraction) Ah, Minsc… I think this subject is best left unexplored.
Minsc: But, little Imoen, why would the mention of things that happen between men and women call for the steely boot of justice to be administered? Minsc speaks of these things all the time, and no one butt-kicks Minsc. How can this be?
Imoen: (surprised and vaguely disturbed) You… you do?
Minsc: Of course. Did you not hear Boo and I speak of training with little Raesa before? We have done this many a time. We tell her how to hold a sword, how to avoid a blow. Did you not hear Jaheira scold Minsc after he accidentally dropped her supply of herbs into the stream? Minsc searched the banks all night before he found her pouch. After the herbs dried by the fire, Jaheira smiled at Minsc, and Boo told him he had been forgiven. All was well once more, and Minsc was glad. And what of little Imoen? Did Minsc not show you how to read animal tracks in the wild? (he looks to be confused) Are these not the things that happen between men and women?
Imoen: (with a shaky smile) Yes, Minsc, they are. The best kind. (gives him a hug) Thank you.
Minsc: For what, little Imoen?
Imoen: Just for being you, you big lug. (pets Boo)
Boo: (proudly) Squeak!
Minsc: Eh…Again with the philosophical. Minsc is Minsc, is Minsc. Who else could he be? (turns to his rodent) Boo?
Boo: (gives a rather resigned hamster version of a shrug and explains)
Minsc: Ah…I understand now. Where would Minsc be without his Boo? (takes some nuts from his pack and feeds them to the chubby hamster)
Boo: (in between bites) Squeak! (Translates as an old miniature giant space hamster proverb: "A hungry hamster is a cranky hamster")
-Back in the day to day world, Raesa reunites with her long lost love. Salvanas cannot believe somebody actually wants him. Anomen and Jaheira are at the end of their wits, and Sarevok fondly reflect on the time spent in the Abyss. Truly, by comparison, the Blood War gains appeal. Hmm… Perhaps the Tanari are still accepting new recruits?-
Anomen: (drags the idiot -pardon me- Raesa away from Salvanas) My lady, clearly, you are under some unknown influence. I must restrain you for your own good.
Raesa: Hey! Get off! (struggles)
Jaheira: (helps Anomen tie her to a nearby chair) You will thank us for this later, child. (looks at Salvanas and shudders) Thankfully, we are here to ensure nothing… unnatural... happens until whatever caused this strange behavior wears off.
Salvanas: But…This isn't fair! (wails) She wants me! Do you have any idea how rare that is? (his eyes widen as he realizes his blunder and he backpedals desperately) Err… what I mean to say is, Salvanas is constantly chased by hordes of willing women. Naturally, Kayla…I mean Raesa, cannot resist my considerable charms.
Anomen: (advances on Salvanas threateningly) Careful what you say about my lady or I will personally remove your forked tongue from your mouth. For all we know, you worked some foul enchantment on her, so she would fall prey to your disgusting desires.
Sarevok: Indeed. Even by this party's standards, this is most strange. (points a sharp looking sword at Salvanas) What have you to say for yourself, fool?
Salvanas: Wait! (cowers) Let's not do anything rash…
Jaheira: (interrupts him with a thoughtful look on her face) Were you not in Athatla when the city was sacked? And now you happen to end up yet in another city under siege by a Bhaalspawn army? Were you any other, I would think you spying on us. (regards Salvanas disdainfully, who tries to strike up a dignified pose and fails miserably)
Sarevok: (dryly) Clearly, that cannot be the case here.
Raesa: (concerned) Darling! You were in danger? How did you escape?
Salvanas: (recovering) Err… need you ask my dear? Can you not recognize the intricate workings of fate? It was truly the will of the gods that we find each other amidst the darkness of this place. Let us defy the fates no longer!
Raesa: (gushes) Yes! Yes! I accept! (she cries happily)
Salvanas: (blinks) Err…Accept what, my sweet?
Raesa: (drops her eyes coyly) Your marriage proposal, silly. You said it yourself, it was the will of the gods that we find each other, here. Who are we to defy the gods?
Salvanas: (shouts) Marriage! (starts sweating profusely) Perhaps I was hasty. (desperately) Truly, the gods must have other, more pressing concerns… (glances around, looking, for all intents and purposes, like a trapped animal)
Anomen and Jaheira: (groan in unison)
Sarevok: Which one of the Nine Hells is this?
- Edwin's valiant quest is rudely interrupted by an encounter with a terrified commoner, before even a single concubine could be found. Saradush is under attack from within. Since there seem to be no concubines what so ever involved, Edwin couldn't care less. -
Peltje: (grabs his arm) I'm not insane! I'm not!
Edwin: (shakes off the irritating commoner) Out of my way peasant! (Why must I suffer such indignities?) (notices the lack of movement on the part of the smelly peasant) Out of my way I say, before I reduce you to a smoking pile of charcoal with my superior magic. (Oh, why can't the lower classes just do as they are told?)
Peltje: (rambling) Nobody believes me. Why would they? After all that's been going around in Saradush, why think about the fact that there are monsters amongst us, preying on us?
Edwin: Uneducated lout! Edwin Odesseiron cannot be troubled by such insignificant concerns. (Why do I bother speaking to these lower life forms? They are obviously too far down the evolutionary ladder to even be considered sentient. Truly, it is a small miracle even the basest of commands can register in their limited cerebrum.) (frowns thoughtfully) Wait… (Minions have no need of higher brain functions…)
Peltje: What? (sighs) You're right. I'm babbling, aren't I? It's just that I know they are searching for me… (the commoner goes on with his insignificant story, unaware of Edwin's inner conundrum)
Edwin: (Hmm…. Truly, a wizard of my station and power should not be bothered by simple day to day matters. Minions at my beck and call, doing my bidding…. Yeess. The idea has merit. But how would I communicate my whishes to the simians?) (stops to think) (Simple grunting? Sign language? A combination of the two?)
Peltje: (still speaking) The courtesans… some of them, anyway… they started disappearing after the siege began…
Edwin: (Hmm... perhaps construct a base language for the baboons to use? It should not take long, my superior intellect…) (freezes Wait. (lowers himself to looking at the peasant directly) Did you say 'concubines'? (Please, let it be true!)
Peltje: (confused) Courtesans, actualy. Yes, but…
Edwin: Yes! (Wenches, here comes Edwin Odesseiron!) Where are the young lovelies?
Peltje: (hesitates) You're not listening. There are monsters in the…
Edwin: (interrupts him) Silence! (Clearly, the cretin is of a more limited intellectual capacity then even I imagined. I must attempt to communicate on his level.) (clears throat) You there, monkey boy! Snap to it and concentrate! There is only one thing I wish to know. Answer this, and there's a banana in it for you. (speaks with extreme care) W h e r e - a r e - t h e - c o n c u b i n e s ? (Gah! I must remember to kill the smelly peasant for this indignity later.)
Peltje: (his eyes narrow) N o t - h e r e. (gulps and corrects himself at the wizard's angry scowl) Not now. But they will be tonight! (points to the far corner of the inn)
Edwin: Tonight! (rubs hands excitedly) Away with you, simian. I have pressing matters to attend to. Count yourself as fortunate I have no time now to waste on such as you. (I must begin grooming myself. Yes, it always pays to look one's best.) (makes his way towards the baths, skipping merrily along the way)
Peltje: (yells after him) But they're vampires! (a beat passes, and then the commoner shrugs and runs away)
-Minsc, having overheard parts of the conversation, is faced with a moral conundrum of epic scope. Unfortunately, Boo is taking a nap and is thus unavailable for comment.-
Minsc: Oh Boo, should Minsc help Edwin? Are these vampires more evil then the evil wizard? Boo?
Boo: Zzzzzzz…
Next time:
Chapter 3
(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded evil twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the fiendishly insipid twin gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits, and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen's prank backfires in an unexpected way.)
Guest appearance by: Lillacor the truly Non-sentient, Talking Sword
Subtitle:
"Yeeaaahhh! Got 'em good!"
Author's note:
Again, feel free to comment on any aspect of the story. Let me know if anyone is behaving out of character, point out flaws in the story…anything that comes to mind. For now, I'm having entirely too much fun with this. Remember, reviews fuel the imagination.
Sorry about the mush (in the Minsc and Imoen exchange), couldn't help it. I just love the big lug.
Thank you Kendris and Jessi D for the reviews. They were much appreciated.