Chapter 3
(In which we see the internal struggle of Raesa, who battles her feebleminded twin in the recesses of her mind. Sadly, she can do no other, but watch, helplessly, as the insipid fiend gushes endlessly over her engagement to Salvanas. Anomen and Jaheira decide on a desperate course of action. Minsc and Boo engage in a battle of wits, and Edwin gets more then he bargained for with his bath. Imoen's prank backfires in an unexpected way.)
Subtitle:
"Yeeaaahhh! Got 'em good!"
Guest appearance by: Lilracor the truly Non-sentient, Talking Sword
Standard disclaimer:
Elminister voiceover:
In all my long years of studying magic, and its influence on those of lesser mind, I have never encountered a more sinister effect then the one produced by two feeblemind spells, cast on an unwitting recipient, in rapid succession. To my lasting regret, I have seen once valiant, honorable men and women fall victim to its influence, and the memory of this horror remains with me to this day. Pray mortal, pray long and hard that you never fall victim to such an unfortunate circumstance…
Thank you.
- Anomen and Jaheira helplessly watch Raesa flutter her eyelashes at her extremely unwilling fiancé, for what has got to be the umpteenth time. Salvanas gulps audibly - the party perks up - running away in horror seems imminent. Visions of impending married life flash before his very eyes. At the thought, early rigor mortis sets in and, alas, running is no longer a viable option. Collapsing in a dead faint, however, seems likely. -
Sarevok: (eyeing Raesa thoughtfully) So, now that we have successfully bound and gagged our inane leader, what course of action do you suggest we take, druid? (smirks) Or do you take this to be an improvement of her general disposition?
Jaheira: (gives him a disdainful look) All things in nature coexist in balance. So, one of us was bound to find some amusement in the situation. It is hardly surprising that you would use Raesa's current misfortune as an opportunity to gloat.
Anomen: (snorts) Indeed. Why my lady drags him along is beyond my comprehension. He is obviously not to be trusted.
Salvanas: (edging away from the party) Clearly, you have many pressing matters to attend to… (none seem to notice)
Sarevok: (pointedly ignores the knight) You misunderstand, druid. I am merely wondering as to when you are planning on noticing the blatantly obvious. Or have you been mysteriously struck blind, deaf and dumb as well?
Anomen: (angry) I would thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head when conversing with a lady.
Jaheira: (scoffs) And I would thank you not to attempt to coddle me, Anomen. I have been fending for myself since before your mother bore you. I do not need a Helmite wet nurse.
Salvanas: (the door is nearly within his reach) I'll just take my leave, then… (the thought of the old ball and chain gives him courage, or what passes for it in his case, to move his shaky legs in the general direction of the exit)
Anomen: (hurriedly) I assure you, lady Jaheira, no insult was intended on my part. (addresses Sarevok again) Tell me, what would this blatantly obvious course of action be then, foul creature? Not that your opinion means much to me, one way, or the other.
Sarevok: Do not anger me, priest. One day, your incessant posturing will no doubt earn you four feet of solid steal right through the gut. (smiles with satisfaction as he sees Anomen tense) The only reason why that day is not today is because I think my 'sister' would frown on it. (glances her way) Were she in her right mind, that is.
Anomen: (bristles and clutches at his mace) You can try, abomination.
Salvanas: (decides it's now or never) At last! Freedom! (makes for the door in an unexpected burst of speed)
Anomen, Jaheira and Sarevok: (growl simultaneously) Do not dare move, cretin!
Salvanas: (his already wobbly legs give out, and he clutches at his chest) Aaaah! (tries to slow his breathing down to a semi-normal rate) I'll just… sit down then. (slides down on to the floor in a spineless heap)
Jaheira: Where were we? (shakes head, despairing) Silvanus help me, I am traveling with infants! Infants, who have been dropped on the head one time too many. I will not tolerate such foolish behavior! Not with Raesa in dire straits. (points at the bound woman) Just look at her, you fools! (Sarevok and Anomen turn to take in Raesa's current condition)
Raesa: (lovingly ogling a petrified Salvanas) Mmmm… (continues making undistinguishable noises through her gag, presumably endearments of some sort)
Anomen and Sarevok: (are once again suitably disturbed)
Sarevok: (disgusted) Bah! Why don't you cast 'Dispel magic' on her and be done with it? She is obviously under some sort of enchantment, and I don't know how much more of this display I can take before becoming sick to my stomach.
Jaheira: Do not take me for a fool, Anchev! Of course I have thought of this. Both Anomen and I tried to dispel whatever enchantment she's under nearly an hour ago. (gives him a pointed look) While you were…otherwise occupied.
Sarevok: (curtly) What I do in my spare time, is none of your concern, druid.
Jaheira: This is something we can agree on. (stares him down) However, I am merely answering your question. We have attempted this before.
Anomen: (worried, he nods) To little effect, as you can see. I am at a loss what to do next. (frowning) Perhaps it would be best to simply wait for it to wear off on its own?
Jaheira: (concerned, looking at Raesa) There is little else to be done at this point. (thinks a moment) Unless… (looks down, deep in thought, and examines Salvanas)
Salvanas: (pales, feeling very much like an insect about to be squashed) Err… Why are you looking at me like that? (anxious) You won't … hurt me, will you? (gulps)
-Meanwhile, in the mind of Raesa, two distinct entities battle for dominance. Alas, the score so far is: visitors – 1; home team – 0. Things are not looking good. (warning: reader discretion advised, extreme stupidity ahead; exposure may result in permanent brain damage)-
Raesa: (moans in desperation) Why is this happening to me?
Feebleminded Raesa: (watches Salvanas adoringly) Oh, my love! To look at you is to lose all semblance of reason.
Raesa: (snorts) Like you had any of that to begin with. (mimics her insipid twin) 'Look at all the pretty colors. Uhhh…' (growls) It's a FIREBALL genius! You are supposed to move!
Feebleminded Raesa: (hears some sort of background noise: annoying, but ultimately easy to ignore; after all, there are other matters that demand her undivided attention, such as answering that ultimate question, 'is Salvanas a natural blonde', in intimate detail - the narrator gags) Oh love! My heart is yours, as it has been, ever since our first fateful encounter. (sighs and melts in a true cheesy romance novel manner)
Raesa: (groans) You mean, that one time when I dropped him head first into the Copper Coronet's outhouse? (considers) Not exactly what I call fateful, but memorable nonetheless. (glares daggers at Salvanas and thinks back wistfully) The color of dung becomes him.
Feebleminded Raesa: (some of this finally registers, and she frowns, angry) Who is this that disparages my husband's good name? (shakes imaginary finger at Raesa) Quiet! Let me bask. (attempts to think) What was I doing? (attempt unsuccessful)
Raesa: (in a sing-song voice) Why, pondering on the way to end world hunger in three easy to follow steps, what else? Ugh! Is this hell? (resigned) It is, isn't it?
Feebleminded Raesa: (recovers and continues to ogle Salvanas) Such presence you have, my love, both in body and spirit. I see you, standing tall and fierce; a true giant among men. ( in the real world, Salvanas yelps pitifully, as Jaheira drags him along by the ear)
Raesa: (shouts) Tall and fierce! Giant among men? (cries) This is Salvanas we are talking about, woman. S a l v a n a s. Can you not comprehend that?
Feebleminded Raesa: (ignores Raesa and gushes) One day, all men will know of your reckless courage and be humbled by it. ( the narrator tries to suspend her disbelief) Salvanas The Brave they will call you, and the world will tremble at the mere mention of your name. (um... no - Salvanas now drops to his knees before the druid and bawls like a big baby)
Raesa: (rolls eyes) The world will tremble? Before Salvanas? Salvanas, a complete waste of space, ask me how, D'Ryas? That Salvanas?
Feebleminded Raesa: And to think I will be there, standing by your side, my love. As your dutiful wife. (beams happily)
Raesa: (shudders at the horrid prospect) Are you insane? (pauses) What am I saying? Of course you are insane. You got me engaged to Salvanas!
Feebleminded Raesa: No one will keep us apart now. (flutters eyelashes insipidly at her fiancé, who does not return the endearing gesture, presumably because of his preoccupation with the small matter of making a desperate getaway) I know you would move heaven and earth for the sake of our love. (Anomen tackles Salvanas before he can reach the door; more bawling ensues)
Raesa: (desperately) Did I piss off any gods recently? (muses) Err… Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective. Are there any gods I haven't pissed off lately? (thinks a moment and then drops head in defeat) I'm doomed.
Feebleminded Raesa: (excitedly) I can't wait until our wedding night! (blushes) We will truly be one then.
Raesa: (gags) Ugh! Over my dead body! (feverishly wishes she could pray for godly intervention, but, as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty)
-In the world of Minsc, things are seemingly looking up. Boo is finally awake and ready to dispense advice in exchange for crackers. Lots of them. Alas, Minsc ate them all (emergency supply included) in a nervous fit, while Boo was busy getting his beauty sleep. Needless to say, the hamster is now indeed cranky. -
Boo: (mutters to himself irritably and ignores the Ranger)
Minsc: (searches his backpack for any remaining crackers in a near frenzy) Empty! Oh, what have I done? Boo, do not be angry with Minsc. Minsc said he was sorry.
Boo: Squeak! (loosely translated as: 'saying you're sorry doesn't bring back the crackers, buddy')
Minsc: Woe is Minsc! Tis' a sad day to rival the saddest days of all time when Boo will not forgive his Minsc for a thing so small. (wails) Oh, where is the justice?
Boo: (quietly) Squeak. (translates as:'!#!#!')
Minsc: (jumps to his feet and brandishes a huge sword determinedly) Minsc will buy new crackers for Boo! And if there are no crackers, or nuts and berries to be found in this little town, he will scour the land and bring back the finest hamster food the world has to offer. (bellows) On this, Minsc swears!
Lilracor: (speaks up - and how we wish he didn't) YEEEAAAAHH! That's what I'm talking about! A killing spree! I'll burn and pillage my way through the Sword Coast! I'll… (Minsc glares at the sword) What? Oh, fine. We'll burn and pillage our way through the Sword Coast, we'll terrorize and behead every villager…
Minsc: (interrupts) For shame, Larry! These are not the things of goodness you speak of.
Lilracor: So? Who cares about 'goodness'? I like killing. Makes me tingle all over. (pauses and then jumps in Minsc's hand excitedly) Come on, come on, come on… Let's go kill something, now! Anything!
Minsc: (gives a disapproving shake of the head) Beware, Larry! This is not what heroes do. We may tear the most evil of evil villains apart merrily on the field of battle, but only because all that is goodness and justice cries out for it. And when justice calls, Minsc and Boo answer with sword and a swift kick in the evil! Ha, ha! (stops to scowl at Lilracor) But butt-kicking tiny villagers, who do not even reach up to Minsc's shoulders, is not what we heroes do. Right, Boo?
Boo: (forgets himself) Squeak!
Minsc: (beams happily) Most glorious day! Boo has forgiven Minsc! All is right with the world once more. Hamsters and rangers, rejoice!
Boo: (does a huge eye roll - well, for a hamster, anyway)
Lilracor: (continuing) Villagers, nobles, tiny, huge, thin, fat… Who cares? I'll make them all bleed! Woohoo! Cooome oon… You know you want to!
Minsc: This behavior can not continue! Repent your evil ways and tell Minsc you are sorry! Then all will be forgiven. If not, face the might of hamster justice!
Lilracor: Ooohh! There! Get the kid! (one of the smaller tavern guests is understandably freaked by the exchange and leaves the inn hurriedly) Noooo! You let him get away! Get them all before they run, too! (in a few seconds, the space occupied by Minsc, Boo and Larry is left conspicuously empty) Darn!
Minsc: Minsc is appalled! You have crossed the line that can not be crossed! How can this be? Minsc cannot stand in the company of those who would hurt small children! Oh, evil day! Larry is no longer a sword of goodness. (hangs head) Now, as all who would do evil, PREPARE FOR THE BOOT OF MINSC, AS IT CONNECTS WITH YOUR BACKSIDE! (realizes Lillacor is, in fact, a sword, and swords seldom have backsides, but recovers swiftly) No matter! Even if the evil doesn't have a backside to speak of, Minsc and Boo will find a way! GO FOR THE EYES BOO! GO FOR THE EYES! (the fact that Lilracor is a sword is, once again, blatantly ignored for the sake of dramatic tension)
Boo: (huffs) Squeak! (in the secret miniature giant space hamster language: 'you're on your own, buddy')
Lilracor: Yeah! That's the stuff! (glances around) Kill… Wait. Who are we attacking? Where are they? Where are they hiding?
Minsc: Such villainy!You are no longer the sword of Minsc.
Lillacor: (to Minsc) Hey! Baldy! What are you doing? (Minsc puts the sword over his knee and starts to pull)
Minsc: Minsc is sorry he has to do this, but Larry gave him no other choice. (sniffs a little) Goodbye Larry! Minsc will miss who you were, before you fell deep into the clutches of the most sinister evil. Minsc and Boo will remember you! (the sword begins to bend)
Lilracor: Minsc, buddy, old pal of mine… You don't want to do this! (desperate) I was messing with you! I'm as good as they come, really! (attempts to look endearing, but since he is a sword, there is no visible effect what so ever)
Minsc: (looks unconvinced, but stops bending the sword) You wouldn't be trying to deceive Minsc, Larry? If there is one thing besides mustache twirling villains that Minsc can not stand, it is cheaters and liars. No one cheats Minsc, I tell you and if they try, they are in for a boot-stomping adjustment to their moral value system! (frowns) Did Minsc have this conversation before? No matter. It is as true now, as it was then!
Lilracor: Buddy, would I lie to you? I love the little monsters… err, I mean, kids to bits. Villagers too. Wouldn't hurt them for the world. Cross my heart and hope to die! (whispers) Buy it, buy it, buy it… I'm way too young to die. I didn't sow my wild oats yet.
Minsc: (considers) I am not sure…
Lillacor: Buddy? Friend? Pal? Come on… Don't keep me guessing here. I'm looking forward to some quality time in the scabbard. (whispers) Please, let it be in one piece…
Minsc: (laughs heartily, as he comes to a decision) Ha, ha! You should not worry Minsc so, even in jest. But all is well now that we are together again, Minsc and Boo and Larry, united in the great battle against evildoers everywhere. (brandishes the sword again) All that is evil, tremble! Heroes are reunited!
Boo: (sighs)
Lillacor: YEEAAHHH! Kill, kill, kill! (pauses) I mean, evil beware! Goodness…fluffy kittens… And stuff like that. (mutters) Man, this sucks.
- Meanwhile, Edwin is enjoying his fourth luxurious bath in a row, when his decadent ways are, again, rudely thwarted by a lack of basic sanitary supplies. Such as five different types of bath oils. Everybody needs those. Edwin is understandably miffed. -
Edwin: (lounges lazily in a king size bath) Bath attendant! (Where is the useless baboon hiding now?) You call this soap? I would not dream of touching my immaculate skin with this bar of filth. (Oh, the poor quality of service I have to suffer.) Bring me something more suitable for a wizard of my standing. Snap to it! More lavender oil is required, also... And do not be so stringy with it this time! (Like he would need it. If water was able to somehow dissolve the protective layer of dirt that surrounds him, highly unlikely as that is, he would surely die due to sudden exposure to the elements.) And bring more freshly picked rose petals for the bath while you are at it.
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (huddles in the corner, terrified and refuses to budge)
Edwin: (exasperated) Peasant! I gave you an order. (This communication with the lower classes is more difficult then I imagined. In Thay, the slaves at least have enough brain power to be able to understand simple commands. Clearly, this is not the case here.) (releases a theatric sigh) So, I see we must resort to more drastic measures. (clears throat) Pathetic whelp! You have exactly ten seconds to bring me the things I asked for and to start groveling at my feet. If not, by second twelve, you should start wondering why your spine seems to be dissolving. (There, that should do it.) One… Two…
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (yelps and falls all over himself to satisfy Edwin's every desire… in a highly non sexual way)
Edwin: Better, better… You know, you could make a serviceable minion one day. (Of course, that day is so far in the future, even I am not likely to see it.) (leans back and relaxes) What to do now? Three more hours to nightfall… (Oh, sweet bliss.) What to do to war off boredom? (suddenly glances at the poor bath attendant who now whishes he had listened to his dear departed mother and became a garbage disposal specialist while he had the chance)
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (trembling) Yes? (corrects himself hurriedly at Edwin's glare) Yes, oh, masterful mage? Is there aught else I can do for you?
Edwin: Why yes, there is. In fact, I'm glad you asked. (smirks) Grovel.
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (confused) What?
Edwin: I did command you to grovel at my feet, did I not? (The question is obviously rhetorical. I detest having to repeat myself.) You may start at any time. (pauses) And by that, I mean now. (the tips of his fingers start glowing, charged with magic)
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (choosing the better part of valor, he instantly drops to his knees and grovels away)
Edwin: (shakes head) No, no, no… This is not the way one does it at all. (Honestly, the bald tattooed wonder could have done it with more flare.) For one thing, your forehead did not even touch the tiles once. (Shoddy, just shoddy.) And this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Where are the lavished expressions of praise? Do you not understand what 'grovel' means? My superior appearance, lineage and general manliness should have been the topic of conversation. (Or, rather, monologue.) Instead, I get to listen to your whimpering pleas for mercy? (No, no… This will not do at all.)
Imoen: (interrupts) Well, well, well. What do we have here? A Red Wizard of Thay in all his naked glory? (to the bath attendant) Drop a towel on him or something before I fall into a deep swoon. Or before he does. (glances around) Are there mirrors around here?
Edwin: (screams in a strangely girly voice) Ah! (covers himself best he can under the circumstances) What are you doing here, tailless she-monkey! How did you get in here? I sealed all the doors myself. (Perhaps she broke through my enchantments? Impossible!)
Imoen: (with a cheeky grin) A thief never reveals her trade secrets. You know, because they wouldn't be secrets anymore? (waves at the bath attendant) Hi there! You can get up now. Let Eddie's imaginary minions grovel at his feet for a spell. Oh, and draw me a nice bath as well. I'll take some of Edwin's bath oils. (considers) And the rose petals there seem nice.
Edwin: (bristles) You will do no such thing!
Imoen: (winks) Sure he will! Or I'll just have to stand here as I am. (starts undressing before a horrified Edwin) What do you think?
Edwin: (shouts) Peasant! You heard the girl. Draw her a bath, quickly! ( Don't look. Don't look.)
Imoen: Relax Eddie, I'm not here to ogle you. And I'm sure I have nothing you haven't seen before. (chuckles) I mean, on yourself.
Edwin: Impudent girl! Avert your eyes from my form. I am not some spectacle to be gawked at by the unwashed masses. (Though, with such a specimen of physical perfection, who can blame them?)
Imoen: (lovers herself into the bath and sighs in contentment) Physical perfection, sure. Whatever you say Eddie. Say, throw me the lavender bath oil. Smells great.
Edwin: (aims at her head with the previously discarded bar of soap, but misses the intended target so that it plops into her bath instead) That's all you're getting, pink haired freak of nature. It should suit your style. Poor of taste, crass and inelegant. (Bah! Now I'm flattering her. Next, I'll be buying her flowers.)
Imoen: (is too busy preparing a prank spell, inspired by her sister's current condition, to answer)
Edwin: At last, some peace and quiet. Do not disturb me girl, I need to prepare for tonight. (Yes, yes, think of that. Not of… No, it's to revolting to contemplate.)
Imoen: (finished with her preparations, she turns to Edwin) Oh, Eddie… I have something for you. (unexpectedly stands up and starts to chant)
Edwin: (not even noticing the chanting part) Who… what? (eyes bulge comically)
Anomen: (suddenly bursts in, from the common room, looking worn and exhausted, Jaheira close behind him; we see that, indeed, Raesa is still busy ogling Salvanas) Imoen! We need your… (trails off, as he notices Imoen's lack of clothing)
Imoen: (startled, she takes an involuntary step back and slips on the bar of soap Edwin threw at her; as a result, she mispronounces the last word of her spell) Ouch! (she falls down into the bath, the water breaking her fall)
-The party watches, as Imoen's spell hits Raesa with enough force to knock both her and the chair over. Again, something has gone horribly wrong.-
Imoen: Uh, oh…
Next time:
Chapter 4
- Interlude -
Author's notes:
Wow, that was long! Well, I changed the concept a little, but the story just got away from me. Don't worry, you'll get the 'un-gasping' concubines bit soon. It's mostly written already, so when it gets finished and posted depends entirely on the feedback I get from you readers. (cackles evilly) Review away! Pretty please.
I edited this chapter somewhat, so feel free to reread it.