Interlude
Subtitle:
"An unfortunate case of mistaken identity."
Standard disclaimer:
Imoen voiceover:
This is not my fault, I tell you… (points at Edwin) He made me do it! (shrugs sheepishly) Not buying it, huh? Like you're so perfect. (scowls and grumbles) Don't I have the right to remain silent? (runs for cover) I said I was sorry!
Thank you.
-The party is, again, confused by the disturbing events that continue to unfold at an alarming rate. Though, at this point, no one is overly surprised.-
Jaheira: (produces a long-suffering sigh) Is there no end to this foolishness? (to Edwin, who is now, to the horror of all, standing upright in his bath) Sit down, wizard. I implore you.
Anomen: (makes the grave mistake of glancing in Edwin's direction) Gah! My eyes! By the gods, cover yourself man! No one needs to see that! (runs to Raesa) My lady!
Jaheira: (raises an eyebrow) Indeed. (Edwin quickly lowers himself into the bath, a string of colorful Thavian curse words streaming from his mouth) But, we must remember that we are all nature's creatures, Edwin included. And this, as distasteful as it is, is merely his most natural state.
Edwin: (with dripping sarcasm) Why, thank you, druid. I am simply ecstatic that you approve of my bathing habits.
Jaheira: (shakes head) Silvanus, why do you try your servant so? (goes after Anomen)
Imoen: (tries to recall the mispronounced word of her spell) It will be fine, it will be fine. Breathe. Just so long as it's not… (remembers) Oh, no. No!
Edwin: (exasperated) Can I not bathe once without these incessant interruptions! Are even the most basic of common courtesies truly too much to ask for? (Why, oh, why do I continue to travel with these inbred barbarians?)
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (glances at the damage) That will be fifty gold-pieces for the door and twenty for the chair. (inconspicuously edges closer to the door – what's left of it, in any case)
Imoen: (visibly shaken) It can't be. (grabs her robes and quickly follows the others)
Edwin: (misunderstands) Quite right. (scowls at the commoner) It should be closer to five coppers for the lot. (sighs) My share of the party treasure has a higher purpose then to serve as some sort of mundane payment for broken furniture of an, undoubtedly, questionable quality. (the narrator interjects: cough must-use-ill-gotten-gains-to-purchase-scores-of-gasping-concubines cough) A Red Wizard of Thay, seen reimbursing a commoner? (Humph! Unlikely.) (shouts after the peasant) Go extort our illustrious leader. She has coins to spare. (The one and only reason why I put up with her.) Dark hair, bound, gagged, currently possessing a mind not fit to rival even the most mentally challenged of dung-beetles… Even one of your intellectual capacities can't miss her.
-Back in the common room-
Anomen: (unties Raesa, mindfull of any injury) Are you well? (concerned) My lady, do you require my healing skills?
Jaheira: (helping Raesa to her feet) Are you all right, child? (impatient) Speak!
Sarevok: (dryly) Removing the gag from her mouth might facilitate a faster reply.
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-Imoen: (with an audible gulp) Please, don't. No good can come of it.-
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Jaheira: (glares at Sarevok) How very droll. I was not aware that you dabbled as an entertainer. Perhaps you could put this newly discovered bardic talent to good use when we stop at the next inn, and earn a meal for a change. (removes the gag) However, this is no time for petty bickering.
Raesa: (is unresponsive at first and just looks into the distance, eyes glazed and unfocused)
Minsc: What has happened? Little Raesa? (scratches his head thoughtfully) Minsc is confused. What can we heroes do to help? Boo?
Lilracor: (mutters) What do you need that flee-bitten hamster for? I'll tell you what to do. Kill, kill, kill! (the party is shocked at the sword's behavior... not) Just point me in the right direction, buddy, and I'll do the rest. Woo-hoo!
Minsc: Larry! For shame! (indignant) Boo is not flee-bitten! Look at the way his fur shines, even after a week of not bathing. (whispers) Ever since Boo was taken from his Minsc by a most eviiil boy, he has been inexplicably afraid of water. Fountains in particular. It is most strange. And not conductive to bathing opportunities.
Lilracor: Whatever. (cue imaginary eye-roll) I could be shinier, you know, if you just remembered to clean me every now and then. Spit and polish, baldy. Spit and polish. (in an accusatory tone) Is that so hard to remember? (now fully expressing its manically bi-polar personality, the sword suddenly beams excitedly) Come on, come on, come on! He's out-dated, I tell you! Space hamster, big deal! I'm a talking sword. Talking! I'm way cooler!
Minsc: (resolute) No one can replace Boo, except Boo himself. I am certain I have said this before.
Lilracor: (whines) Spoil sport.
Anomen: (exasperated) Helm, have mercy! Quiet, the both of you! (gently) My lady?
Raesa: (straightens suddenly and looks him in the eye) Wait… (a huge smile gradually appears on her face) Yes! The simpering simpleton is gone! Gone! I'm free! (jumps up and down) Gods and goddesses! You have no idea what I went through.
Anomen: (almost staggers with relief) You are yourself again! Praise Helm! I had begun to despair of ever seeing you sane again.
Jaheira: (releases a breath she was holding) It was about time. (nods) Welcome back, child.
Anomen: (cautiously making sure that the ordeal is, indeed, over) Do you know now who I am, Raesa?
Raesa: (unfortunately, it appears that our protagonist has done something quite hideous in a past life) Of course I know who you are, you dimwit. (rolls eyes) I'm not likely to forget you, now am I? And since when do you praise Helm for anything? (her voice takes on a strangely…edgy quality, one not usually associated with Anomen)
Anomen: (confused) What?
Raesa: (scoffs) Oh, come on. You can drop the fake concern. It must have been all fun and games for you, seeing me like this. Well, I hope you stored these images for later reflection, because this is not likely to happen again. (shudders) Ever. Jaheira, make sure you memorize 'resist magic' every time we rest, from now on.
Anomen: But, my lady…
Raesa: (interrupts) Are you mocking him again? Knock it off, I'm warning you.
Jaheira: (suddenly wary) Child, what are you saying?
Minsc: (now even more confused) Err… Boo? Could you explain this to Minsc? (no answer) … Larry?
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-Imoen: (whispers) Could the ground open right now, and swallow me whole? Pretty please...-
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Sarevok: (smirks) Trouble in paradise, I see. I suppose this is a sight better then the sickening display we were forced to endure before. (to Raesa) Under the circumstances, it's tolerable to have you back.
Raesa: (raises eyebrow) Such a warm welcome. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous. (the general party reaction can be accurately described as: 'Huh!') Now, where is that Salvanas? (frowns) I have a neck to wring.
Sarevok: What? (frowns right back) What did you say?
Raesa: (in a matter-a-fact manner) I'm going to beat the ever-living daylights out of Salvanas. I didn't think you would object.
Sarevok: (looking uncertain) Before that.
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-Imoen: (sighs) Ground. Open. Any time now would be nice.-
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Raesa: (gives him a disturbingly intimate smile) You heard me. I think you're jealous. Though, I can't guess why. I was under a spell. A very disturbing and creepy spell. (advances on him)
Sarevok: (scowls, but stands his ground) By the fires of the Abyss, what is wrong with you now, woman?
Raesa: (laughs and crosses the distance between them) Nothing that a little one-on-one time can't fix. (the general party reaction is now far, far beyond a simple utterance of: 'HUH!' – regardless of capitalization, and multiple uses of both exclamation and question marks) Come here. (forces him down on a chair, and suddenly straddles him)
Sarevok: ( is too shocked to offer resistance of any kind)
The party: (there is no way known to man to describe this degree of collective horror)
Anomen: (gives it a valiant try) Tis a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. It simply has to be. (gaping in horrified fascination) There can be no other explanation.
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-Imoen: (desperately) I am so dead when she comes to her senses. (winces at the sight)-
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Minsc: (frowning) Minsc does not understand. Is Raesa preparing to butt-kick Sarevok? If that is so, then why is she doing it in such a strange manner? No matter! He must be back to his villainous ways! (now completely baffled) But, why are their faces pressed so close together? This is not the way one battles evil villains!
Sarevok: (appropriately disturbed) What do you think you're doing? Get off me, fool. (his feeble protests are promptly halted by a very passionate, very freak-worthy kiss)
Minsc: (eyes impossibly wide) This cannot be! Minsc cannot be seeing what he thinks he is seeing. He refuses to believe it! (pleadingly) Boo? Could the evil man simply be choking on some really-tough-to-chew beef-jerky? Is Raesa attempting to revive him? (cue Jaheira's exasperated look) What? If it happened to Minsc, it can happen to anyone!
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-Imoen: (swallows heavily) I think I'm going to be violently ill.-
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Anomen: (frantic) Somebody pinch me, quickly! I seem to be unable to wake up.
Jaheira: (averting her eyes) I suspect more then a simple pinch will be required to set this right.
Anomen: (desperately) Punch me, then. Knock me unconscious, I beg of you. Anything to be rid of this hideous sight!
Jaheira: And doom myself to sorting out this mess on my own in the process? I think not. (glares at Imoen) You are somehow responsible for this sudden burst of unnatural behavior, are you not? What did you do, child?
Imoen: (quickly) Nothing! (relents under Jaheira's death stare) Almost nothing. (quietly) It was supposed to be a prank.
Anomen: (shouts) A prank! You have the gall to call this a prank? Look at what your sister is doing! (Sarevok, finally, pushes Raesa away)
Sarevok: (wipes at his mouth) That was… (struggles to find the words) Unexpected. (to this day, this utterance is considered by many to be the understatement of the century)
Raesa: (is, for some reason, annoyed at his behavior) Hey! What the hell is wrong with you? (turns to face the rest of the party) And you people! (frustrated) One would think you never saw me kiss Anomen before.
The party: Anomen!
Sarevok: (insulted) What?
Anomen: My lady, that is…
Raesa: Oh, give it a rest, Sarevok!
The party: Sarevok!
Anomen: (insulted and confused) What?
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-Imoen: (sheepishly) I suppose it could be worse… (thinks) Though, I don't see how.-
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Edwin: (emerges from the bath area, thankfully fully dressed) Did I miss anything of importance? (Unlikely.) (blinks) What?
-The commoner, blissfully unaware of the magnitude of this disaster, speaks up. Poor, poor man.-
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (hesitant) Is this a good time to discuss the manner of payment?
The party: (an assortment of full-out death glares converges on the unsuspecting peasant)
Commoner who shall remain nameless: (pales rapidly) Eek! (makes a shaky retreat) Perhaps, it would be better to discuss this at some later time. (runs away, never to be seen again)
Next time:
Chapter 5
(In which the party gets severely sidetracked by trivial matters. The concubines enter the story at long last… alas, in a rather anticlimactic way. Edwin rejoices out of principle. In the aftermath, Minsc and Boo plan a bold rescue attempt. Somehow, Elminister becomes involved.)
Author's notes:
I decided the next chapter was too long to be posted in one go, so I divided it up. Hope I didn't freak you guys out too much. ;) Tell me what you think: Creepy or funny? 'fingers crossed'
I do have an older concept I can get back to, if this is too much.