Chapter 5
(In which the party gets severely sidetracked by trivial matters. The concubines enter the story at long last… alas, in a rather anticlimactic way. Edwin rejoices out of principle. In the aftermath, Minsc and Boo plan a bold rescue attempt. Somehow, Elminister becomes involved.)
Subtitle:
"You are who, again?"
Guest appearance by:
Elmnister the Sage (Also known as: "Mystra's glorified boy-toy")
Standard disclaimer:
Irenicus voiceover:
(watches the before-mentioned events unfold- in surround sound) To think that I am rotting away in the lowest level of the Abyss because of these inbred fools! (squints due to bad signal reception) By the eternal fires, what is she doing now? (gasp) This is unbearable! I am lodging a formal complaint with the Baatorian legal department. We'll see how she deals with them! Burning coals and whips included. (rubs hands in a sinister, but nevertheless emotionless manner) Now, back to work. The details of my new and improved plan of world domination are still in need of fine-tuning. (frowns as he looks for his notes) By the fires of the Abyss! The plan has been burned to a crisp. Again. (cue emotionless sigh) Back to the drawing board.
Demogorgon (The Ponce… Ow!… The Prince of Demons): MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-Brought to you by the BNTTV (Baatorian Never-ending Torment Television)-
Thank you.
-Meanwhile, the party is shocked and appalled… but all is not lost. Salvanas can be heard in the distance, hitting on another barmaid. The barmaid hits back. Literally. The party draws comfort from the knowledge that some things, at least, have returned to their natural state. -
Salvanas: Ow! (faints like the girly-man that he is)
The barmaid: (huffs) Serves you right, girly-man.
-Back to our original programming.-
Imoen: Oh, no. No! (continues to mutter inarticulately)
Edwin: Let us see. A wayward spell, a Bhaalspawn, (shoots Imoen a look) an incompetent, would-be mage… Yes, we have all the prerequisites for a disaster of epic scope. How thrilling.
Raesa: Put a sock in it, Edwin. (frowning) Would you stop staring at me? (suddenly worried) I didn't get a tattoo that says 'Property of Salvanas' anywhere on me, did I? (gives herself the once-over and shudders) That spell is evil.
The party: (nod heads vigorously)
Edwin: (Hmm… Fascinating. They have mastered the cruder nuances of sign language. Excellent! Finally, they can be put to good use.) (thinks) (The circus in Athatla is in need of an additional attraction, perhaps? I could be persuaded to provide reasonable payment for the extra cages required.)
Raesa: Whew! No tattoo. That's a relief. (notices that the party does not seem relieved at all) Fine. What's going on? Anyone care to enlighten me? (to Sarevok) Anomen?
The party: (once again) Anomen!
Edwin: (Sir 'Polish till it shines'?)
Raesa: (exasperated) Is there an echo in here? Yes, Anomen! What is wrong with you people?
Sarevok: (still dazed) An apt question. Now, direct it elsewhere.
Imoen: (backing away) I'm gonna go and be… away. Yes, away is good. Far, far away. (runs into one of the back-rooms and slams the door shut behind her)
Jaheira: (yells after her) Imoen! You will come back here this very instant and take responsibility for this, girl. Or, by Silvanus, I will drag you back here by the ears! (throws her hands up in frustration) Oh, what is the use? This entire day has been nothing short of cursed. Perhaps it would be best if I just rendered her unconscious and hoped this wears out by morning. (gives the idea some serious consideration)
Raesa: (looking towards the back-room in confusion) You want to knock Imoen out? All right. (sighs) What did she do now? Did I miss something?
Minsc: (bellows) No one will knock little Imoen out! Not while Minsc still draws breath! I will not allow it!
Jaheira: Calm yourself, Minsc. I assure you, no one wishes any harm to come to Imoen. (thinks) Any serious harm, that is.
Minsc: This is good. Minsc would hate to have to butt-kick fellow allies of goodness.
Jaheira: (glances at the back-room) Truly admirable, Minsc. At this moment, I am sorely tempted.
Anomen: (fuming) As am I. That girl brings chaos where 'ere she goes. (sighs wearily) Helm, give me strength! I know not how much more of this insanity I can take.
Sarevok: (sneers) Yes, prey to your deity, priest. It is what you do best. Leave the thinking to your betters.
Anomen: You? You would deem yourself my 'better'? I will not stand here and be insulted by your ilk. Not after what I just saw.
Raesa: (to herself) These insults somehow seem strangely inverted. (pauses) Was my temporary bout of insanity catching?
Edwin: (off-hand) It could be worse. (to Anomen) Imagine, you could be the one mistaken for a pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. (tilts his head to the side slowly) Wait. You are the pompous, self-important, arrogant wind-bag. I stand corrected.
Anomen: You would presume to lecture me about arrogance? You, whose very breath exudes it?
Edwin: That is not arrogance, merely a statement of fact. I am vastly superior to any of you simpletons. Count yourself as fortunate that I do not require daily worship and ritual sacrifice as payment of my invaluable services. (Hmm… Perhaps my contract is in need of revising.)
Anomen: (through clenched teeth) No more! Not another word from you, wizard!
Raesa: People? (at the moment, everyone is ignoring her) Something is very wrong here. (vaguely worried)
Anomen: (to Sarevok) Jest if you will, abomination. I will not bandy idle words with you, while our leader is in desperate need of aid. (in a dangerously low voice) We will settle this later. That, I promise you.
Raesa: There is nothing wrong with me! You, I'm not so sure of. (stops) Wait a minute. Abomination? You are calling Anomen an abomination?
Anomen and Sarevok (to Raesa – Sarevok and Anomen): (continue to exchange pointed barbs – violence seems imminent)
Raesa: (starts to seriously doubt her leadership skills) Am I invisible?
Edwin: (has now gathered barely enough interest to bother asking) All right. (with a long-suffering sigh) How exactly did you brainless monkeys manage to get into this horrifying mess? Can I not leave you unsupervised even for a moment? (Honestly, they will want me to oversee their personal grooming next.) (shudders) (No.)
Jaheira: Be silent, Edwin! I am sure you have nothing of substance to contribute to this discussion. Your colorful commentary will not be required. (thinks) In fact, it never is.
Edwin: So this is a discussion, is it? Harper wench, you and I must have radically different views on what constitutes a discussion. None, but those hard of hearing and entirely devoid of sense, would call this a discussion. A simian screaming match, on the other hand, would be an appropriate description. (And I am taking part in it. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.)
Raesa: Um… Could someone explain? (rather desperately) Am I the only one sane here?
Minsc: (excitedly) Did you hear that Boo? We are to take part in a glorious screaming match. Minsc will surely win! All shall know the might that is Minsc's battle cry! Victory will be ours and we will use our deserved winnings to further the cause of goodness! Evil will flee before the sound of our footsteps, cowering in tiny, miniature mouse holes. (considers) Yes, yes. You are right, Boo. Evil already cowers in our wake. (resolutely) Evil villains shall use even tinier mouse holes to tremble and quiver in!
Edwin: (shakes head) Every time when I think that the Rashemeni mountain cannot get any more intellectually challenged, he proves me wrong. (I would look a genius among any group, but these fools make it entirely too easy.) In any case, druid, our leader is still one short of a full deck. (More so then usual.)
Raesa: (indignant) Hey!
Minsc: Challenge? (perplexed) Who would dare challenge Minsc? The warrior you speak of must possess great prowess.
Edwin: (sighs) And he does it again. Why am I not surprised?
Jaheira: You are well aware of where the exit is. Leave, if you are so bothered by the company you keep. I assure you, you will not be missed. Just make sure the door connects with the appropriate part of your anatomy on the way out.
Raesa: Is anyone listening to me?
The party: (the pointless bickering continues)
Raesa: (fumes silently)
The party: (yet more bickering ensues)
Raesa: That does it!
-Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. Claws, fangs, scales… The usual. The party, understandably, goes: Aaaaa! The innkeeper lets out a girlish squeal and faints promptly. –
Raesa: (turns back into human form) Why people call me the leader of this sorry band, I'll never know. Honestly! The lengths I have to go to, just to get a word in edgewise. (to herself) On the other hand, I'm finally starting to get the hang of this. (clears throat) All right. What is going on here? I'm warning you, this better be good.
The party: (yell at her simultaneously, with the exception of Sarevok - who looks to be gloating)
Raesa: Stop! (grates her teeth) People! One at the time. I'm limiting the conversation topic to one: your insane behavior and what caused it. (considers) You can berate me for mine later. (she puts an affectionate arm around Sarevok, who freezes at the contact – a deer in headlights look about him) Sorry about that, love. (the party cringes, Anomen staggers)
Sarevok: (notices Anomen's distress and takes the time to briefly sneer at him) Think nothing of it. (tries to disentangle himself hurriedly – Raesa releases him, but remains close, one hand resting loosely on his shoulder)
Anomen: (fumes) Oh, we will settle this. Soon.
Jaheira: (too shaken to notice any of the above-mentioned ) What were you thinking, child? Have we not spoken of the dangers… (off Raesa's warning look) Very well. You are still under some kind of enchantment, so I will not hold this one incident against you. But, rest assured, we will discus this later. Raesa... (attempts to break the news to her gently) We think the spell you fell victim to has altered your perception somehow… (cannot make herself say it)
Raesa: Um…you're stating the painfully obvious here, Jaheira. Please, don't remind me. (cringes) I was this close to becoming 'The Bride of Salvanas'. (shudders) If that's not a true tale of horror, I don't know what is. (looks around worriedly) Volo isn't somewhere around here, is he? I really don't want this incident documented for posterity.
Jaheira: I assure you, none do. (cringes)
Anomen: (glaring daggers at Sarevok) Raesa…
Raesa: (interrupts him) Wait a minute. 'Spell I'm under?' What do you mean by that? I'm not under any spell. (thinks) That I know of.
Edwin: It is to be expected. (The weak of mind are always unaware of such things.)
Raesa: 'Weak of mind?' Do you want to rephrase that, Edwin? (gives him the death-stare of the century)
Edwin: I was speaking in general terms. (Better not to provoke her while she's in such a volatile state. Yes. Will insult her later.)
Jaheira: (gives her and Sarevok the once-over) You seem awfully comfortable there, Anchev. I suggest you move, lest I do it for you.
Raesa: (frowns) Jaheira?
Sarevok: I stand where I want, woman.
Raesa: (hand on forehead) I'm to worn-out to bother figuring any of this out. I'm going to bed. (takes Sarevok's hand) Lets go upstairs. (the party pales, Sarevok bolts)
Sarevok, Anomen and Jaheira: (simultaneously) NOOOOO!
Minsc: (confused) Minsc is confused.
Edwin: (This is getting interesting. In an odd sort of way.)
Raesa: (exasperated) What is it now!
Jaheira: Child, you do not know what it is you are doing.
Raesa: (shouts) Well, explain it to me!
Anomen: (gives it a try) My lady, I do not know how to say this…
Edwin: Oh, stop trying. By the time you find a way to articulate yourself, I will be an old man. (Though, still a devastatingly handsome one.) (clears throat) How to put this in terms even you can grasp? Hmm... Ah, yes! Listen carefully! Obviously, you are under the influence of a spell, one that has made you lose whatever little semblance of intelligence you originally had. But, on the bright side, the change is hardly noticeable.
Raesa: (growls) Wizard…
Edwin: Yes, yes. The point. I am getting to it. Aside from the before-mentioned side-affects, there is also the trivial matter of the identity switch.
Raesa: And what identity switch would that be, exactly?
Edwin: Observe. (the king of subtle stands beside Anomen) This is Sarevok, yes? (at Raesa's nod, he points to Sarevok) That is Anomen, correct?
Raesa: (narrows eyes) Get to the point, Edwin. Five words or less.
Edwin: (Very well.) (counts) Now. Switch. Them. Around. (mutters) Simian.
Raesa: That's it! (tries to strangle Edwin, but Minsc pulls her off of him before she can do any serious damage)
Edwin: (indignant) Oh, why do I bother? Sort out your own messes! Edwin Odesseiron is done with you! Consider our contract terminated! (At last, I am free to engage in pursuits more suited for a mage of my stature.) (cue in nightfall)
The concubines: (in a booming megaphone voice) May we have your attention, please! Hot, steaming concubines here! Come and get them! Concubines for hire! Will gasp for coin! Preferred clientele of a demi-god persuasion! Concubines for hire!
Edwin: (thinks) An appalling lack of finesse. I wonder who thought of such a crude form of advertising. (But, I must admit, it is an effective one.) (beams) Concubines! Out of my way, peasants! (gold coins clink again)
Minsc: (remembers) Wait, evil wizard! Minsc and Boo have something to tell you!
Boo: Squeak!
Edwin: Whatever it is, I am sure it can wait. (Approximately a millennium or so.) In any case, I am no longer obligated to listen to your insane ramblings. (Article five, subsection D, and paragraph nine of my accursed contract. Why, oh why did I suggest it?)
Minsc: (oblivious) Minsc will protect you! The evil vamp…
Edwin: (Indignity after indignity) I have no need of your questionable protection, you enfeebled Rashemeni baboon! Go bother the Bhaalspawn, and leave your betters to conduct their business.
Minsc: But…
Edwin: (growls) I will fireball you if you say another word, you brainless heap of muscle. Farewell! (If I never see him again, it will be too soon.) (leaves to engage in quote-'highly intellectual pursuits'-unquote)
-Minsc is left alone, puzzled by the wizard's rudeness. Minutes pass. After an hour or so… -
Minsc: (turns to his most trusted advisor) Oh, what should Minsc do now?
Lillacor: You're asking me? How the hell should I know? I'm just a sword! (thinks) Well, since you asked… (in a strangely calm tone of voice) I've always found a meaningful, open discussion to be the only way to bridge differences between fellow warriors. Violence is always the last resort.
Minsc and Boo: (a stunned silence follows)
Lillacor: (laughs maniacally) Man, what a pile of horse-dung! That's what my previous owner used to say... before he was chopped to bits by a stinking kobold! Looosseer! Let's kill, kill, kill! Woo-hoo!
Minsc: (shakes head) That is a very nice story, Larry. Now, be quiet, while Boo and I talk.
Lillacor: Drat! Foiled again!
Boo: Squeak! ('When will we finally be rid of this idiot-sword?')
Lillacor: Hey! I heard that!
Minsc: There must be a way to solve this! (hangs head) But Minsc is not very good with puzzles, Boo. Especially those with many big words in them. (at the hamster's nod, Minsc seeks the wise advice of his companions – who, unfortunately, have a puzzle of their own to work through)
Raesa: (Anomen has, apparently, finally articulated himself) You people are insane! (points at Sarevok) That is Anomen! You'd think I'd know my own lover when I see him.
Anomen: (cringes) My lady, please stop referring to him as your lover. I beg of you.
Sarevok: Yes, please stop.
Raesa: (throws hands up) I give up!
Minsc: (taps her shoulder) Little Raesa, Minsc and Boo have something to ask you.
Raesa: (distractedly) Not now, Minsc.
Minsc: Perhaps the nice druid will help…
Jaheira: (interrupts) Later! I have an emergency on my hands, can you not see that?
Anomen: (frustrated) Do not even think to pester me with your nonsense now!
Minsc: (cries) Woe is Minsc! Brushed aside by the most trusted of friends! (after a moment of deep thought) No matter! I can not stand by and watch a companion walk into the den of the undead alone. (brandishes Lillacor) Fear not, evil Red Wizard! Allies of goodness will come to your rescue! (prepares to charge the back rooms)
Lillacor: Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
Boo: (tiredly) Squeak!
Lillacor: (grumbles) Spoil my fun, why don't you?Stupid, holier then thou, glorified nut-cracker…
Minsc: (stops) What is it, Boo? (listens) Yes, you are right. We need a plan. (after a short pause) Minsc will break the door in and crush vampire sculls indiscriminately! (thinks) Is this a good plan, Boo?
Boo: (sigh)
- A strange shape suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke. Cue ominous music. It appears that some sort of teleportation magic has been used… Oh, never mind. It's just Elminister and his stinky pipe. End ominous music. Cough. –
Elminister: Need you perhaps my assistance, good man? Verily, I will be glad to offer it. (the narrator gags)
Minsc: (waves his hands around to clear the cloud of pipe-weed smoke that obscures his vision) Look, Boo! It is the wise mage again… Though, where is the pointy hat? (mage quickly produces said hat – though the narrator can't help but wonder about its previous location) Oh, there it is! (beams) Wave to the wise mage, Boo!
Boo: (gags as well, in a miniature giant space hamster sort of way)
Elminister: (makes a feeble attempt at a cover-up) Who is this mage that you speak of? Why, I am nothing but a humble merchant, who makes his living traveling from town to town. Retsinimle (editorial note - snicker) is the name, there can be no doubt about that.
Raesa: (still baffled) Let me get this straight. That is Sarevok? (points at, lo and behold, Sarevok) I… (spots the abominable mage) Gods and goddesses! Just when I thought that this day couldn't get any worse. (sigh) Fine. What dire, yet annoyingly cryptic warning are you going to spew this time, Elminister? You might as well get it over with.
Elminister: (upset that his 'ingenious' cover has been blown) I know not of whom you speak, child. As I have told your large friend, I am but a simple merchant and a traveler. I go by the name of Retsinimle.
Raesa: (incredulous) Retsinimle? Let me guess, you've finally run out of aliases?
Elminister: (chews on the end of his pipe irritably) It is my given name, I assure you.
Raesa: Right. I have to tell you, as far as aliases go, you have just scraped the bottom of the proverbial barrel.
Elminister: (growing annoyed) Are you aware that disparaging an honest man's good name is considered by most to be a sign of bad breeding?
Raesa: (nonplused) Most do find my breeding lacking, as you can imagine. Keeping that in mind, if you have nothing of importance to say, get lost.
Jaheira: Raesa! This is not the way to speak to your elders. (whispers) Elminister must have good reason to hide his identity so. Let us find what that reason is, at least, before you drive him off with your ill-chosen words.
Raesa: (grumble) Fine. You talk to the old wind-bag. (mutters) I mean, Retsinimle.
Jaheira: (still whispering) Honestly, Elminister, you could have chosen a better name.
Elminister: (through clenched teeth) I am but a simple merchant, I tell you.
Jaheira: As you say. (gives an almost imperceptible nod) What brings you here, honest merchant? (more quietly) Harper business, perhaps?
Elminister: (sighs and finally gives up) Nay, Jaheira. I am merely passing by. But, I must tell you, your mage friend is heading towards disaster as we speak.
Jaheira: Edwin? (scoffs) I assure you, he is no friend of mine. (intrigued) He is in danger, you say? How… unfortunate. (smiles slowly)
Minsc: We must rescue Edwin! It would not be heroic to abandon a companion in need. Minsc would never be able to raise his head high again!
Raesa: Well, technically, we are not obliged to come to his rescue. The small print of article seven, subsection B, paragraph one of his ridiculous contract clearly states…
Minsc: (in a tone that brooks no argument) There will be no abandoning of companions in need!
Jaheira: (interjects) Calmly, Minsc. We must discuss this further. We will rescue that obnoxious mage, you have my word... Later. (gives Elminister a full-out, radiant smile) So, Retsinimle, what is it exactly that you trade in?
- We interrupt our regular programming to give you this important news bulletin. -
Edwin: (we see that he is stuck in a dank, underground jail cell) What is taking those morons so long? (Must I do everything myself?) HELP! (eyes suddenly grow wide) The contract! What if the illiterate she-monkey had actually managed to read the small print? Damn that article seven, subsection B, paragraph one! (What was I thinking?) HELP!
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Next time:
Chapter 6
(In which we see how Edwin's attempt at bargaining went horribly wrong. But all is not lost, and Edwin succeeds in charming the pants of a gasping concubine. Alas, one of the male persuasion. The party enjoys a much-deserved steak diner. Sarevok and Anomen face an identity crisis.)
Author's notes:
Sorry for not updating in a while. I hope this chapter makes up for it. :)