Ch. 20

Laying her hand on Rose's shoulder, Cristina motioned forward to check on her in-laws. She could not explain the feeling in her, but she felt closer to the Burkes than her own parents. In truth, she did not remember how her father was like.

If only there could be more time. Cristina yearned to understand the couple in front of her. They were a mystery to her. She could not comprehend the depth of the relationship. What kept Rose from running away in face of a man who ran away time after time? How could she tell if he still loved her? If not, why was she not giving up?

Then, a sudden realization turned Cristina's face pale. It hit her that she was just like Samuel, and Burke his mother. Cristina was always running away. Did he know that she loved him? Hadn't they been through that stage in their relationship already, long before they were married? Cristina was surprised and angry at herself. It was funny how their relationship had regressed to that earlier stage of uncertainties, how it had fallen back. If she did not start picking up some speed, soon enough she would be hit from behind. It was like driving on the freeway. One simply could not be at 35 miles per hour once she had chosen to drive on the freeway. She could pull over or leave for a while, but sometimes it could be harder to find the next entrance or merge back to the main lane.

"Cristina, is he going to be OK?" Rose's question brought Cristina back to reality.

"He's heavily medicated now, but he should wake up soon." Cristina was avoiding the close-ended question.

"That means a yes?"

This time, Cristina remained silent.

Getting the meaning behind the ice-cold expression, Rose rubbed her temple as she shut her eyes, avoiding tears to stream down. "All those years we've lost—"

"Rose, should we let Preston know? He has a right to see his father before he dies."

The last word lingered on longer than both of them could bear. Luckily, nobody overheard their conversation and nobody was going to tell Preston Burke everything before either woman did, for if that happened, as in most fiction, it would be hard to imagine how he would ever forgive them.

"What would he think about me, you," shaking the hand of Samuel lightly, Rose tightened her eyebrows. "And him?"

Looking hard at the white tiles on the floor, Cristina did not have the answer either.

"Sometimes, after you've kept a secret for so long, the mere fact that you've been withholding it is considered an unforgivable crime."

Cristina understood every single word of her in-law's, which perfectly described how she felt. "I know, Rose. But how can I live with the burden of guilt for the rest of my life? Some day he would find out his father did not die while serving the Navy; that he was a decent man nonetheless; that they could have reconciled—had we not stepped in."

It was selfish of her to talk about the burden of guilt, Cristina wished she could take those words back because they must have pierced the heart of Rose further.

Normally, Cristina would be rational in weighing the pros and cons before doing something. That balance sheet did not pop up in her head this time. There was too much risk involved, and depriving a person of the chance to know a loved one was dying, the chance to see his father once again, was more than a math problem. It was a moral issue.

"God, what then must we do?" Rose was on the verge of break down now.