(Author's Notes: So I've watched Puss and Bots 2 a few dozen times now and I relly like Big Jack Horner who used to be Little Jack Horner until that moron Pinnochio from Sherk had to ruin his childgood but anyway, I thinked it wold be cool if he actually had more magical inventures to go on like when we see his trophy room. I know it spoilered that he dyes at the end but I'm gonna fix the ending so it dint killer him. Just go along with it because its coller this way, okay?)
When we last seen Big Jack Horner, he was defated by those losers heroes who aren't Jack Horner. They were so selfish that they wolnt even let him get his one wish to be happy which is pretty sad because he must be nise guy!
"C'mon, Kitty." Big Jack said with gusto. "Dont you know what its like to be the little guy, always being stabed in the back?"
Kitty Softpaws was too busy making out with Puss in Boots, which is okay because it's rated PG but I dont remember that hapening in the movie. Perrito (who wasn't named that yet but close enough) was okay with it because he is chill friend like that.
"Eww, I know I shoot dogs in the face and kill my own men without remorse, but that is just gross." He countined.
Just then, as he was being crunched to deaf by the wishing star, Big Jack Horner saw it, the Map of Inifnity. As it turned out, the wishing star was a sham and the REAL treasure was buried INSIDE the star itself.
"I knew it! The one place I didn't think to send assassins to look for it!" Big Jack Horner spoke outload to no one. "And it's all mine! With this Map, I can search out ANY magical Artifact my child murdering heart desires."
This gave Big Jack Horner, BIG Jack grin! But he better act fast because he dint want anyone to discover that he actually was alive lest the main characters catch on.
"Oh right. I better give them the slip and skedaddle." He said, and rembered he overpacked his bag from earlier with magick star shotting bullets that make it seem like shooting stare.
It made big Bomb in the skye, and Goldi, and the three bears, and Pussy, and Kitty and Perrito who is now actually named that were too distracted by the pretty explosion to notice that Big Jack Horner was in fact, NOT dead!
"Welp, looks like Big Jack is a Big goner!" Puss laughed like he did in face of death that one time. And with that, no one else had any questions and carried on witht he epilogue of the film where they went to Far Far Away...form this story, that is! And now, I don't have to worry about writing for them for the foreseeable future which is a win win if yo ask me!
What? You want to know HOW they didnt see Big Jack Horner excape without being seen? Well to be honest, I didnt really think that far ahead so i better addres it now before more people begin to question it.
Back to the scene already in porgress, as our least favorite fearless heros were walking away, Big Jack Horner reached into his magic bag and pulled out a discounted magic lamp he bought off screen from a peddler one day but now was good enough time as any.
"Huh, well shit. Why didnt I think to use this sooner?" Big Jack Horner asked himself. "Could have just skipped the whole wishing star business, but oh well! If it results in the loss of innocent life, then my work here is done!"
So he rubbed the magic lamp of questionable origin. Like really, I know I wrote that because I wrote myself into a corner...but it does REALLY make you wonder why he didn't just use that much earlier?! I'm starting to think Big Jack Horner might not be the nicest guy ever and I'm actually writing for the villain! Nah, probably overthinking it.
Out from the dubious lamp came out NOT Genie from Disneys Alladin because this is Dramworks and we are legally distinct from them.
"Hello, Lit- Oops! Sorry, I mean BIG JACK HORNER now, isn'it it?" Said Genie. "Semantics aside, I havent seen you since the last wish you made 18 years ago! You remember that one, right? The one where you wished for a plague of rodents to bring disease and infestation to an already impovershed village?"
This made Big Jack Big Laugh. "Oh yeah! I could never forget the sensation of watching those feeble people scour the land like rabid animals!...Except that I just did. How long was it you said, 18 years? Man, no wonder I forgot I had this! I was pretty mellow back then, I guess."
Genie ignored this portion of his comment. "...Yeah, so anyway, what did you want? You're down to your last wish and I was kind of hoping to be freed so I never have to speak to you again."
"Wait, what was that?" Said an apparently dispondent and inattentive Big Jack Horner who couldnt be bothered to listen hard enough to a literal magic, wish granting genie.
"What, the never speak to you again part?"
"No, I can live with that, your mere existence is an inconvenience to me." Said Big Jack Horner. "Not to mention, VERY much an unnecessary retcon. The part about having one wish left?"
The Genie once again had to remind him of the OTHER horrific wish he had made when he was still Little Jack Horner. "You understand it wasn't EASY to will a near limitless supply of human beings into existence for your disposal, right? We did just watch the same movie, did we not? Because you DEFINITELY killed a hell of a lot more than just 12 your own men, y'know."
And before you get upset, I remind you that pus in boots said hell in the movie too so it's okay.
"Aww man, what a waste of a wish, those goons couldnt even take on an orphan, some killer weeds and a pair of cats!" Big Jack Horner thinked REALLY hard about what his wish should be... and then, he roared to the heavens (quietly because he was trying not to get caught), "Genie! I wish..."
What will Big Jack Horner wish for now? Will he actully wish to have all the magic in the world? Probavly not because then this story would be really short, but he's Big Jack Horner after all so you never can be too sure with him.
Tune in next time to find out! (To be continued)