Rude picked up his bags as well, gesturing with a nod towards the car that Rufus had obviously gotten for them.
Reno strode toward the car, dropping his bags in the back with an audble "plop" that told of his feelings with the whole situation. He still didn't know HOW his life had spun so far out of control, and he didn't like it one bit.
Rude added his bags to the trunk, then, ever the gentleman, opened the passenger door for Reno to get in. See? Baby steps.
He got in with a little nod, and a slight smile...leaning in to press another kiss on Rude's cheek as he did.
Rude closed the door carefully, then went around the car to get into the driver's seat. "You can sleep, if you want," he offered, starting the car and putting it in drive. "It's going to be four hours until we even see Edge."
Reno nodded, propping his head back against the headrest, he knew Rude would see the circles under his eyes, and the weight he'd dropped once again from the stress of this whole mess. Not that he was ever that big to begin with, so when he dropped even as little as 10 pounds it really showe
Rude was nearly silent as he drove. Occasionally, when a good song would come on the radio, he would very quietly sing the words, but for the most part, he was silent.
Reno turned his head to one side, when he begins twitching with Rem the words. "Don't walk away. . .please. .I don't care what you do or did anymore, just stay" were barely audible.
Rude lit a cigarette, then gently placed his free hand on Reno's knee. Nothing more than a touch of comfort, it was... one of those baby steps Reno kept talking about.
Reno stilled at the touch, seeming in his sleep to almost lean into it. ..it was once said that in dreams the truth would always out, whether the dreamer liked it or not.
Rude sighed, the exhale of smoke making the car a little foggy before it flowed out the cracked window.
As they pulled into Edge and he began stirring, he sat up, rubbing his eyes in a boyish manner. "We here?"
Rude nodded. "Hotel or meeting with the doctor first?" he asked, steering his way off the highway and into town.
"Hotel, need ta put our things away, and in desperate need of a shower. road dirt makes my hair clump." He wriggles his nose.
A light chuckle left Rude's lips as he pulled onto the hotel's street. Within minutes he was parking the car and they were carrying their bags towards their rooms. Rude had insisted upon seperate, but directly next to each other, rooms.
Which of course Reno didn't care for. ..he missed the big man, missed him desperatly. .ah well, at least the bathroom was adjoining and between the two rooms, so maybe he could talk Rude into joining him in the shower to wash his hair.
Rude set about unpacking almost immediately. "How long until our appointment?" he asked.
"Two hours. .." and he held up a shampoo bottle, his face so hopeful it was almost painful.
m
A tiny flash of fear passed behind Rude's dark sunglasses. Should he? Shouldn't he? On one hand, washing Reno's hair was one of the things that comforted him. On the other, he wasn't sure he could resist Reno's inevitably insatiable libido... which he thought would just set them back in their recovery. On the other other hand, perhaps it was just what he needed to get back into some semblance of normalicy. After a moment to make up his mind, he finally nodded once.
Reno let loose one of those soft, genuine smiles, the ones that seemed to stand the world on its ear and fill an entire room with sunlight as he got undressed. ..blushing just a shade as he noted with ihs hands how the three bottom ribs on each side were almost protruding, making a note to himself he needed to bulk up a bit once this whole mess was over.
Rude tried not to steal glances at Reno while he undressed. Where the redhead had lost weight, Momma's cooking seemed to be working horrors on his six-pack. Ah well. Nothing a few hours at the gym every night for the next month wouldn't fix.
He opened the door to the adjoining bathroom now, gesturing Rude inside. . .turning the water on and adjusting the temperature to something in between what he would normally like and what Rude would. Compromise, right? Key to making the whole thing work.
Rude walked into the bathroom, hands covering his stomach. He was far more self-conscious about his six pack becoming a four pack than he was about the way his cock was slowly filling at the sight of Reno's nudity.
"Oh, Mi Corazon, I don't mind a little flab, though I could use it a bit more than you." He chuckled, leaning up against the larger man, leaning up to press a soft kiss on Rude's lips. ..it was as if he was drinking him in.
"You can have it," Rude laughed, breaking the kiss, though there was a slight bit of nervousness in that laugh. "Besides, a little flab leads to a lot of flab." He paused. "You gonna hit the gym with me?"
"'course, need ta redefine the weight I need ta get back, don't want it turnin' into flab, either."
Rude chuckled. "At least it didn't go to my ass," he muttered good-naturedly, gesturing for Reno to step into the shower first.
Reno stepped in, heading immediatly under the spray, his heart lightening by the moment just having Rude here with him. ..he tentativly reached back to touch Rude's crotch, just a light, feathery touch, gauging his reactions. ..He didn't want Rude afraid of what he might do to him any more than he liked being afraid of the big man.
Rude gasped and froze. His thoughts flew from that first night they'd had in his bathroom, to how they always seemed to have shower sex, to how much he was afraid of hurting Reno, then to how nice it would be just to press the redhead against the wall and reclaim what was his.
"Open up ta me.." he whispered.
Rude gulped, his words telling a completely different story from his body. "I... I'm not sure if that's such a good idea..."
Those eyes were begging almost...he reached up as he turned around, capturing Rude's lips with his own.
Emotion fell from Rude like the water falling from the showerhead. With a nearly possessive growl, he pulled Reno flush against his, grinding his hips against the redhead's and staking his claim on that ever so talented mouth.
Reno moaned into that mouth. .yes.. . yes, this is what he'd wanted so badly. ..he did however begin to gentle the kiss, just a bit.his hands running up and down Rude's chest
Rude nipped at Reno's lips and tongue, but when he tasted a drop of blood, he pulled away, looking for all the world like a deer in headlights. He stepped back, moving until his back hit the shower wall. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, eyes wide.
" 'sokay. ..don't turn away. .please. .." his whole body thrummed with the need for Rude's touch.
"I don't want to hurt you," Rude said plainly. He was certain Reno could see the mirrored need in his eyes, but he couldn't risk losing control. He couldn't.
"Nothing you could do would hurt me now but pushing me away. ..I. .I need you."
Rude was torn, and he was certain Reno could see it. After a few long minutes of mental deliberation, he finally held out his hand to the redhead.
Reno took it, then leaned against him. ..he was shaking with how torn he himself was, and he knew only one thing for certain, he needed Rude badly in his life, no matter the risks, he needed him.
Rude pulled Reno close, just holding him under the warm shower spray.
Reno pressed another kiss to his lips, this one more gentle.. .whispering "I need you. ..never make me go. ..please. .." between the presses of lips that began to become desperate.
Rude answered by claiming Reno's lips again, one hand sliding around the redhead's shoulders while the other slid down around his waist, effectively holding him there with no means of escape without causing injury to the bald man.
Reno was going nowhere.. . he tamped down the tiniest sliver of fear, this is what he'd wanted. ..his arousal twitching against the big man's body. his eyes slide closed. ..a soft moan echoing.
Rude's fingers at Reno's waist played gently with the skin on his lower back as he gently pressed his hips against the redhead.
Reno lets out a soft gasp. "Love you. .gods do I. . "
"You can say no," Rude whispered against Reno's cheek. "Whenever you want, you can say no." He flicked his tongue out, pulling the redhead's earlobe into his mouth.
Reno shook his head, he didn't WANT to say no. ..he knelt, capturing Rude into his mouth, tounge laving around the head gently. ..he kept it gentle. ..slow. .loving.
Rude inhaled a gasp of breath when he felt Reno's mouth close around him. One hand shot out, holding onto the wall for support while the other hung at his side, fingers clenching and unclenching.
Just as suddenly as he'd begun he stopped, throwing his legs around Rude's wasit, holding on tightly. ..driving Rude home with a desperation rarely felt. ..it felt so good to have him back where he belonged. .. he bit his lip to hold back the gasp at the electric shocks of the initial burning pain so as not to frighten him...he couldn't move without Rude's hands under his legs for support, but it felt good just BEING like this, his arms clenched tight around Rude's shoulders to hold him up, Rude inside him where he always longed for his partner to be.
One hand went under Reno's bottom to make sure the redhead didn't fall once he started climbing him, and the other went behind him as he took a step back, knees threatening to buckle as he felt himself slide home in the warmth of his partner's body. His breath was coming too fast as he just stood and gasped.
"home..." he whispered "You're. ..home. .." And with the support of Rude's hands he began moving slowly. ..almost torturously, that lithe body writhing with the need almost to draw Rude all the way inside him. .. to pull him in until they were one entity. . . .his breath in a hitching gasping moan at the first lift and fall.
"Jesus, Reno," Rude gasped, his eyes wide. He took a few steps back until his back was against the shower wall and placed both hands under Reno, guiding him gently as he moved. Rude was silently thankful for the nonslip things at the bottom of the shower.
HIs lips silenced the protest, as he moved at first still haltingly and gently. ..his eyes beginning to tear a bit. ..then to overflow at the sheer relief of having the big man back. .even if only for this short slice of time for now. ..his breath coming in hitching tiny cries as each thrust hit that special spot inside. . ."never turn me away. ." he whispered against Rude's lips.
Rude gasped against Reno's lips, claiming them. He really couldn't move with the position they were in, so he just helped the redhead with his movements.
As his head reared back into the air, his back arching.. .he found his completion with his eyes clenched shut tightly. ..hair drifting down his back, moutth open as let out this soft, sobbing cry that sounded like it had the words "welcome home" interspersed with the hitching breaths. as he felt the force of his orgasm he clenched down hard on the big man.
The only part of Rude's mind that was working was screaming at him not to unlocking his knees and drop them. With another half-thrust into that clenching passage, he spilling himself within it, his fingers gripping Reno's ass tightly enough to possibly bruise.
Reno slid down him shaking like a leaf in relief and with the aftershocks that thrummed through him. "Welcome home" he whispered once more against the strong chest.
Rude couldn't answer; he only wrapped his arms around Reno and steered them under the shower's falling water. Was he home? Would he ever be again?
Reno handed back the shampoo bottle. ..limbs still trembling, but his face held a tentative smile.
Rude took the bottle, squirted some of the shampoo into his palm, then nodded with the tiniest of smiles for Reno to turn around.
Reno turned, and in a soft voice he said "You don't know.. .how bad I've missed tihs."
An affirmative grunt left Rude's lips as he started lathering up Reno's hair.
Reno again leaned into the touch. ..it wasn't much. .but it was something. ..more steps toward healing, which is what he felt both of them needed.
Rude closed his eyes as he worked the lather through Reno's hair, but when he opened them, he saw something that made him chuckle. He got closer to the mane for a better inspection, then let out a full blown laugh.
"what's so funny, yo?"
Rude grasped a single hair, pulled it out, and offered it up for inspection. "Getting old?" he asked, holding up the grey hair.
"Shit. ..stress yo. ..just stress..I am NOT gonna go grey."
Rude laughed, turning the redhead so he could rinse the shampoo from his hair. "Whatever you say."
Reno simply harrumphed, then smiled. "Stress is all it is. ..soon's this shit's over you won't find anymore." That smile grew impish.
Rude reached for the conditioner with a "We'll see."
"I'm glad you're here with me, even if you aren't ready for the next step yet. ..just. .THIS feels good"
Another affirmative grunt from Rude, then he was helping Reno rinse the conditioner from his hair. A quick go over of himself with the soap, and Rude was done.
Reno climbed out, getting dressed. .they'd be meeting the doctor, then Tseng and Rufus for lunch afterward...he felt much more himself, a little less out of sorts than he had the past week. He wore a pair of jeans and a soft linen shirt.
Rude dressed in a suit. Not his Turk suit, but a navy blue suit nonetheless. He felt more comfortable in a suit anyway.
"Guess we oughta go. ..." he gave another of those soft, hesitant, yet genuine smiles.
Rude nodded, topping the outfit off with his usual sunglasses. The cheap ones. There was no telling what would go down at this 'therapy session'.
Reno as a show of trust left his weapon on the table. He trusted Rude implicitly, and in leaving it he showed that "Oh, and don't forget, we're meeting Tseng and Rufus at the Red Door afterward." The place was swanky, but the food was GREAT.
Rude smiled and nodded, but he didn't tell Reno about his service pistol in the ankle holster. It was that same pistol that saved them from the Behemoth, and he'd taken to wearing it rather often. Besides, horrible thought of horrible thoughts, if he were going to hurt Reno, he wouldn't use a firearm.
Reno bent up for a kiss, and then they were out the door, Reno heading for the passsenger side without even a whiff of complaint. ..some things had changed.
Rude sat in the driver's seat, turned the car on, then asked, "Do you know how to get there?"
Reno nodded, showing him the simple map Tseng had downloaded and printed out. "'sright here, 3 blocks from the monument."
Rude nodded and they were off.
Reno bounced nervously when they arrived, not sure what to expect. ..they sat in the waiting room, he found himself with a sudden desire for a cigarette.
Rude had picked up one of the many out of date magazines on the table in front of them, choosing to read about Hojo's advancements in medical technology. Okay, so they were VERY out of date magazines.
Reno snorted at his choice of reading material. "If they only knew."
Rude shrugged, pushing his sunglasses back up and returning to the article.
As the receptionist came oout with the words "He will see you now" Reno's muscles tensed a bit. There was still SO much Rude didn't know. ..would he still want HIM when he found out. ..how sometimes he CRAVED the pain because it made him feel as if he was still alive?
Rude nodded, setting the magazine down, standing, then, with a single glance back at Reno, walking into the other room.
Reno followed, hiding his slight frisson of fear at that. ..
"Doctor," Rude greeted, holding out his hand for the man to shake.
The doctor shook his hand, he was a slender Wutain man with his hair cut in a short bob that framed the delicate featured face. "Good morning."
Rude sat down in one of the chairs that were provided for them. He just waited for the doctor to speak. He'd never done the marriage counselling thing before, and he had no idea where to even start.
"It says you're here due to anger management issues. ..I've looked at your record, and I believe I can help the both of you find some sort of healthy balance." And then the words Reno had dreaded. ..how had the doctor figured him out so quickly. "You did not realize your husband has masochistic tendencies, did you? That may be part of what triggers a lot of this."
Rude frowned. He looked over at Reno, then his frown deepened. After a moment, he looked back at the doctor. "Is that why he's a cutter?"
"Yes, it is likely so. ..as well as his own form of release. .whereas you find yours in the usage of your fist. ..he finds his in damage to himself."
Rude continued frowning at Reno. "Is that true?" he asked.
Reno's brilliant red face told the entire story, as he nodded. "Yeah. .I used ta dam things up.. until it got to the point I got so numb that hurting myself was the only way I felt anything. ...When I met you. .. when we beca,me partners that changed. ..you taught me how to FEEL again. ..though I guess. ..somea it still lingered because yeah, when you mark me. ..or leave bruises behind afterward, or even when you make me bleed a little. ..it really turns me on. Hell, you don't even want to KNOW how much I got off on being cut that night."
If Rude's frown could have deepened any further, it would have. "That's... not normal." Okay, so he had to adjust his word choice from his initial assesment of 'sick' to 'not normal'.
"Never claimed ta be normal..." He blushed an even deeper red. "But I love it when you're loving and gentle with me, too. .when you make me feel like I'm the only one in the whole world that matters to you."
"You are the only one who matters," Rude said.
Chang turned to Rude now. "You strike me as the sort who is someone who when he chooses a mate, it is for life. .so I am sure Reno's flirtatious nature bothers you at times...which is where a lot of that pent up rage likely stems from. ..instead of getting angry. ..have you ever just tried TELLING him it bothers you?"
"I don't want to upset him," Rude explained, his tone almost blank. "He's had it hard enough in his life so far. He doens't need me to nag at him."
"Hey, if you'da told me it bugged you, I'da stopped oding it. .." He just shook his head. "I'm not as delicate as ya think. .I WANT you to be honest with me. .if somethin' bugs you, tell me. I'll stop doing it."
"I don't want to be a nag," Rude said again, this time to Reno instead of the doctor.
"I'd rather have ya nag then do what ya do when things get ta be too much. ..and it's not naggin' ta just tell me. .." He softens the sting of the words with a gentle smile.
"When you don't clean your hair out of the shower drain, it bothers me," Rude said. His stright face and even tone would have been a hilarious straight man act were it anyone but Rude.
"Heh, I can take carea it, no problem. " He again smiles that gentle smile. ..they were little things, but the little things grew into the bigger ones.
It was like that story about the wife who got so pissed off over her husband leaving the cap off the toothpaste every day that, after 10 years of marriage, killed him. "And when you flirt with the President in front of me."
That one left Reno lofting a brow. "Didn't realize it was flirting. ..though if the fact that we're friends bothers you I'll keep it a little more formal."
"He still has feelings for you," Rude said plainly.
"I did realize that.. 'swhy I've been tryin' ta be careful about how I act. .. an' why I'm glad he's with Tseng now. .is that what triggered that. .thing. .on the floor of the club?"
"Do you still love him? Still want him to fuck you?" A tiny hint of jealous anger slid into Rude's tone.
"No..no I don't.. ." He kept his voice calm. "Oh. ..you're upset about his reception. ..that was crazy. ..and when it happened we were all a little fucked up. ..something which I'll probably never forgive Eriic for btw...no matter what my dick says. . .my heart's with you, yo. ..has always been. .you may not believe that right now, but it's the truth. If it weren't. ..I wouldn't be trying."
"Then why were you hanging all over the President's doppleganger at the club?" he asked plainly, the anger in his tone turning into accusation.
"I was dancing. ..and yeah. ..maybe I stil find him attractive, but for it to go beyond the physical. ..ain't happenin'. and it was more he was hanging all over ME. my only crime really. .and I freely admit it, was letting him. . .partly because I was still a little torqued off with you. .." He suddenly chuckles. "Sounds like you aren't the only one who needs healthier methods of expressing your anger, eh?"
Rude snorted, but left it at that. After a moment, he remembered that 'leaving it at that' wasn't what they were there for and spoke up. "What were you pissed about?"
"The whole mess with Eric. .I felt like you weren't willing to stand up for me. ..know why now.. .and in retrospect can't blame you for it."
"I did what I could," Rude said, opening his hands and looking at them as if they were foreign to him. "I swore I would never strike him again, ever. And Eric... he doesn't understand unless he gets hurt." He looked up at Reno. "I was doing the best I could."
"I understand that now. .I didn't then. .I'm sorry for bein' mad about it...or at least for handlin' it the way I did. ..it was wrong."
"And when you drink out of the milk carton instead of use a glass," Rude said, almost offhandedly. There was a whiplash topic change back to what Reno did that bothered him.
"So I'll use a glass.. ." He shrugged. these were petty items, things he could solve...but he wantedback at the meat of the problems so he could solve them. ..they'd been making some REAL progress for a moment there, and he knew it. "Back on the subject... how do you think you could handle a situation like the kid at the club more effectively than beating him up? Unlike a few of the ones you've run into, something tells me he would have backed off...and from what I have in my information from the police report, he DID attempt to back off."
"I wasn't in my right mind," Rude stated plainly. "Usually, I would have let Reno handle it. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. But I was too high to care."
"I see. ..so the best thing for you to do then would be to not become intoxicated in situations which you feel might trigger that rage. That then would be my best reccomendation. I would reccomend you not use intoxicants of any sort but I doubt that would be acceptable. So then my reccomendation would be avoiding the substance that triggered it altogether. ..that means BOTH of you, which I understand reno had difficulties with the substance in his past anyway, so I would make that suggestion for him as well. I also feel sticking to the BIGGERissues trhat bother you would be advantageous.such as the issue of him flirting with others."
"I'm not a Makohead," Rude protested. "I told Reno I don't usually like it. It makes me mean. I TOLD him." He crossed his arms over his chest, looking for all the world like an overgrown child.
"Then simply stay away from it. .I do understand it was YOUR idea that night however." Chang just shrugged. he was completely used to dealing with recalcitrant patients. "Shifting the blame will help neither of you at this point. ..we are here to create a workable solution, are we not?"
Rude just sighed, still looking like an overgrown child getting lectured on why you couldn't play baseball in the house... especially in Momma's junk room.
"I have no intention on lecturing anyone, Mr Urar. ..simply to help you avoid another Miller incident, that is what we are here for, correct?"
"Josh Miller was..." Rude paused, and if he had hair, his hand would have ran through it. "I was young, and stupid, and didn't know better."
"Tell me. ..can you be COMPLETELY certain it will not happen again?" Ah. ..the heart of the matter.
Rude opened his mouth, the 'yes' clear on his tongue... until he glanced over at Reno. Only, it wasn't Reno he saw. It was Josh. He loved Josh, loved him dearly, but he, like Reno, didn't know when enough was enough. Josh was all fun and games and 'it was just a kiss, get over it. It's you I love'.
"Listen...if the flirting bothers you that much. ..I won't do it anymore. I love you. ..you are the only one I love. ..but I'm not doing it because I'm afraid of you. .I'm doing it. ..because I wanna show you I mean it about making things work. .." And there had been the thing Josh had NOT been willing to do. .lay it on the line. ..make a change that needed to be made in order to make it work. ..to compromise. "Now, that doesn't mean things'll never get outta hand, after all, I can only control my OWN actions, not what other people do. ..but if it happens it's not gonna be something I did."
All Rude could think about was the last arguement he had with Josh... the one that had spiralled so far out of control. The past caught up with him, holding him, making him relive it after it being supressed for so long. "With you it's never anything YOU did!" he yelled, standing so fast that the chair he was sitting in fell over. "You do this shit just to piss me off, just to see if I'll respond. What? Don't you think I fucking care about you enough? Is that why you have to see just how fucking jealous you can make me?" he paused for a breath, then continued, this time pointing his finger at Reno, but still seeing his previous redheaded lover. "Or do you like it when I fucking hit you? You do, don't you? You only do this shit because you WANT me to fucking beat your ass!"
Reno was BLOWN by the pent up fury, but he didn't let it show. .."I guess. ..I guess I do do it ta push your buttons sometimes. ..not so much outta liking to see you jealous. .as it is. ..wanting to hear you tell me you care. ..You really are kinda close-mouthed about it sometimes. and yeah. ..I guess sometimes I think. ..I do deserve to be hurt. ..kinda twisted isn't it?" Again. ..the admission that Josh would never have made in a million years. ..it had taken this past week apart for Renot o really come to understand so much of what motivated the fighting.
"Twisted? Twisted?" Rude's voice got colder with each word, dropping into that icy, telltale tone. "You want to see twisted, Josh? I'll show you fucking twisted." He wasn't even seeing the room around him, he was seeing that little studio apartment he and Josh had shared. He wasn't seeing Reno sitting there in jeans, he was seeing Josh sitting there, smug look on his face and black lipstick smudged across his cheek.
"Sir, please calm down, this will do you no good. "
"That's it, love. ..get it out of your system. ..work through it. ..you need to. .."And regardless of the risks to himself because he didn't feel himself to be all that important at the moment he strode over. ..wrapping his arms around Rude's wasit. ..it might not be the most intelligent thing to do. ..but it was all he could think of.
Rude pushed Reno off him, harshly. "Get off of me, you fucking whore!" However, the look on Reno's face gave him pause, brought him back to himself. "Reno..." he said quietly, turning himself away from the redhead. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't... I wasn't..." He was quickly going into shock, unable to comprehend what he had just done. Not only had he broken his promise to never lay a hand on Reno in anger, but he'd called his partner the one thing Reno detested most.
"shh.. you were not yourself. ..I forgive you. .I forgive you. .." and he wrapped his arms around Rude once more. .just holding him. "You needed to get that out. .. and it's better that you did. ..and now I know a lot of how to handle shit from now on."
"You aren't him," Rude protested quietly, a slight hitch in his voice telling of the tears he was holding back. "I shouldn't treat you like him... you're not him..."
"That's right. ..I'm not. ..but you needed to come to see that for yourself. .and now you have. .."
Chang at first had had the inkling to call for restraints, but when he saw how the man handled the situation, with a lot more patience than he would have expected considering his abusive past, he decided to simply let thing sfall as they would and mediate if necessary.
"I loved him," Rude said quietly, he voice only just above a harsh whisper. "I loved him so much, but he made me so mad... all the time. He was always doing stupid little things, just to see what I would do. He... he would go out with his friends and tell me about all the guys and girls that hit on him, just to see if I would go off..."
"An' sometimes I do it, too. . .but a lotta it is completely unintentional.. .and in some cases isn't anything I've done at all, though Gods know that doesn't help. ..I don't want to push your buttons. . .I. ..I just want ya to be a little more verbal about it sometimes. ...I know you aren't the most verbal person on the planet, never have been. ..but sometimes 'I love you' is nice ta hear."
A terrible thought crossed Rude's mind as he turned towards the doctor. "Do you... do you think the only reason I'm with Reno is because I can't be with him? Do you think I'm treating him like... like a substitute Josh?" The worry in Rude's voice was so think one could probably drown in it.
Chang shook his head "It may have begun that way. ..but he is a different person. ..and you love him for different reasons. If you did not things would have come to this point long ago."
"I..." Rude said, then paused. "I think I need a break." He pulled out his pack of cigarettes. "Do you mind if I step outside?"
"Certainly you may. I think I will speak with your husband a moment."
Rude nodded, offering a tiny smile to Reno before he walked out the door.
"I guess. ..this is about my own masochistic tendencies and how they don't help things, right?"
"Precisely," Chang replied. He looked down at his notes. "Now, you mentioned something about a reception...?"
"Boss's wedding reception. . .his brother drugged the wedding gift. .."
"Mmhmm," Chang said carefully. "Now, what did that have to do with your... penchant for self-injury?"
"I let Tseng cut me . ..and it actually felt GOOD. ..it made everything more intense. ..it's wierd. ..and yeah. ..probably pretty fucked up"
"Good how? Did it make you feel good because you were being hurt and felt you deserved it, or was it because you truly enjoy the sensation of pain?" he asked.
"Not sure, maybe. ..a littlea both. . .I mean. ..I used ta cut because I was so numb emotionally I couldn't feel anything. ..so. ..I did it ta feel like I was still alive, ya know"
midnight12181 (10/5/2006 3:56:01 PM):
"There are more productive ways to 'feel alive', Reno."
"I realize that now. ..an' sometimes. ..it's also because I get so much shit built up. ..an' yeah, in a way I'm as bad as he is about it. ..I wanna use the physical pain to distract from the internal pain. .again not healthy. ..something I realize now. ..I'm sure. ..you know about the incident back at the condo in midgar, too."
"Tseng had informed me of that, yes," Chang said with a tiny smile on his face. "And that is precisely the reason you cannot let something like that happen again. When you injure yourself in front of someone with Rudolph's temperment, it is like silently giving them permission to injure you themselves. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes sir. ..I'm willing to do. ..what I gotta to fix this. ..I love him that much. .."
"And I would avoid anything more than vanilla in the bedroom for a while, if you know what I mean," he added with a slightly larger smile. "We don't need to give him any reason to act out on his more hidden urges, especially when he is unable to fully control them."
He nodded even though. ..well, for Reno no kinks was a hard thing.
Chang could read that look like a large-print edition of his favourite book. "I am aware that you are... adventurous in the bedroom, Reno. However, the less opportunities you give him to act out of control, the better for both of you in the long run. Wait until he has himself under control a little better, then you might bring up some of your more... interesting ideas"
"Yeah. ..you're probably right. ..right now. ..I just want him back. ..an' I'm willin' ta put up with a few less than pleasent things ta have it."
Rude knocked gently on the doorframe before he came back in. "Thanks," he said quietly, uprighting his chair before he sat in it again.
Reno shot a look over at Rude that spoke of the relief that MAYBE they were getting somewhere.
Rude quickly glanced over at Reno, then sighed and sat back, waiting for the doctor to speak again.
"I have advised Reno of a few things that may keep the situation under control until things work themselves out. I in all honesty feel you made qute a breakthrough today in realizing that despite him looking like Josh, he is not him."
Rude nodded.
"In any case, your hour is up. ..you may go now."
It was like the lunch bell rang in the middle of the school day, if one looked at Rude's face. "Thank you, Dr. Chang," he said, standing and holding out his hand for the doctor to shake.
Chang shook with a soft smile.
Rude nodded at the door, indicating that he would follow Reno out.
Reno strode out back into the sun, he reached up, spidering his fingers along Rude's cheek, those eyes were gentle, tender, something unusual in one normally so wild.
Rude leaned into Reno's touch, absently pulling his cigarette pack out, taking one, then offering the pack to Reno.
mtwksgirl (10/5/2006 4:35:34 PM): Reno took it. took one out and as he held it out for a light he said "I think. ..I think we're gonna make it now. ..ya know?"
Rude grunted and nodded, holding out his lit lighter for Reno to light the cigarette with.
As the tip caught and he took a drag he leaned up. ..kissing him "Shit. ..feel. ..almost like we're on honeymoon. ..how odd is that?"
Rude shook his head. "Third date," he said plainly, taking a drag from the cigarette. "I usually don't sleep with anyone until the third date."
Reno laughed now, putting his arms around him, the bruises from earlier's tete a tete in the shower and the shove beginning to somewhat show, but it didn't matter one wit to him. He was. ..somewhat back where he belonged.
Rude reached across Reno's chest to lightly run a finger over one of the bruises on his arm. "Sorry," he said softly.
"Shit happens yo. ..and this was shit you'd had locked up for a LONG time. ..it needed ta come out, and a couplea little bruises are a small price ta pay for the health of your mind and our marriage."
"Guess so," Rude said, removing his fingers from the bruise. "Still sorry, though."
"Like I said. .. I forgive you." And his eyes peered intensely into Rude's" "Now forgive yourself. .. if ya don't forgive yourself. .don't let goa the rage that's not only at the shit that's happened but at yourself as well. ..ya can't heal."
Rude took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling fully. "Okay."
Reno reached up now, leaning on tiptoe to claim that mouth with his own. ..his eyes sliding closed. ..it was not so desperate. ..not so much to lay claim as to rebond. ..to reset that bond in more healthy patterns.
Rude kissed him back, but pulled away after a moment. "Aren't we supposed to meet Tseng and the President?"
"Yeah, we are. . " He looked at his watch. "Ten minutes, crap!"
Rude grabbed Reno's wrist and ran in the direction of the restaurant. It would be way faster to be able to cut through alleys and buildings than take the car.
Reno inhaled deeply to catch his breath as they entered. "Hey, boss. .. are we late?"
Rufus looked at his watch. "By 15 seconds," he said with a tiny smile.
Reno sat down, he looked. ..almost glowing. ..today had turned out just right even with the intensity.
Rude sat down next to Reno and nodded to their employer and his lover. It was going to be... a good day.