Wow…well, this story has definitely gotten a lot longer than I'd originally intended. On the other hand, I hope you all are enjoying it as much as I've enjoyed writing it! Halfway done! Whew!
Just remember: The more reviews I get, the more encouraged I feel to update. Was that shameless begging or what? (I can get more shameless. Just watch.)
June
"Oh, come on! Could this day get any worse?" Lois demanded of nobody in particular as the skies overhead opened up to release torrential rain upon her. Overall, this had been a truly terrible day. She'd slept through her alarm, so she was running late that morning and didn't get a chance to grab a bite to eat or even a cup of coffee before work. When she ran out to her car, she discovered that the engine wouldn't turn over, so she had to take a cab. Still, she could have made it more or less on time to work that morning if her cabbie weren't possibly the biggest moron in Metropolis. Even though she'd reminded him repeatedly that she was in a hurry (and nobody reminded quite like Lois), he'd taken the scenic route, hitting every red light and traffic jam between her apartment and the Daily Planet building. Then, to top it all off, despite Lois's best efforts at convincing him that she knew where the Planet was located, he'd driven her past her destination and stopped at the wrong building, confusing the Daily Planet with the Metropolis Eagle.
Embarrassingly late to work following that fiasco, Lois missed the morning meeting entirely and got chewed out by her boss, Perry White. Worse still, Clark had already been sent out on a breaking story, and Lois was punished for her tardiness by being assigned to cover the local interest beat alone for a day. While she normally would have accepted her punishment and patiently waited to be released from Perry's doghouse, the day had been marked by nothing of notable interest. Lois had been forced to fill the requisite space with a searing expose of whether or not the firefighters of Metropolis would, in fact, be willing to get poor Fluffy out of a tree if asked nicely.
Not surprisingly, when Lois returned to the Planet, story in hand, Clark had not yet returned from his assignment. There was no estimated time of his return, so she succumbed to the numerous messages left on her desk and took a trip to the police department instead. She had yet to file a statement about a certain lunatic who had clued in on the idea that the best way to get to the man in blue, red, and yellow tights would be to use the reporter who "discovered" him as bait. It had been two days, and she still had a thankfully shallow cut on the side of her neck; a few nasty gashes on her cheek, ribs, and knees; and a few particularly prismatic accompanying bruises to show for the experience.
So Lois had made her way to the police station, where she got the pleasure of a cold cup of coffee as she waited for over an hour and a half to make her obligatory statement. Normally, she wouldn't mind the inconvenience; she knew better than most the amount of work Metropolis's finest had to do. Today, however, she just wanted to go home and end the cosmic penance she'd had inflicted on her that day for some bad deed or other she'd committed in the past.
Actually, what she really wanted to do was see Clark. She'd not seen him all day, and she'd come to terms with the fact that this, more than anything else, was what made her day so unbearably bad. She hoped he hadn't already made plans for the evening; she really just wanted to cuddle up with him on the couch and pretend the earlier events hadn't happened. Perhaps they'd tune in to an old movie; they'd definitely be breaking open a bag or three of popcorn.
With this thought in mind, Lois set off for Clark's apartment. She thought about taking a taxi, but, with her luck, the driver would decide to drive her to Clark's by way of Gotham City, so she chose to walk instead. And now, of course, freezing cold rain was pelting down upon her. She supposed she could duck under a nearby awning and wait it out, but with the way her day was going, she'd be stuck there for the better part of a week. No, at this point, it was worth getting a little cold and wet if it meant she got to her destination sooner rather than later, so Lois trudged ahead instead, muttering darkly under her breath and reminding herself that she only had a block and a half to go before her day got a whole lot better.
It was with a sigh of relief that Lois found herself at Clark's front door. That she hadn't been struck by lightning on her journey was a miracle in and of itself, but she wasn't going to push her luck by waiting outside any longer than necessary. With a quick twist of the key, Lois let herself in to his apartment and laid her purse on the table by the door as she looked around for Clark. When he emerged from the bedroom, she crossed over to him, a relieved smile on her face. It was amazing how much better she felt already.
"Hey, Clark," she said as she raised up on her toes to give him a quick kiss hello. "There's more where that came from, but wait for me to go dry off first. I'm dripping all over your hardwood floors here." Brushing past him, Lois hurried to the bathroom, stopping only to grab a dry set of clothes on the way.
When Lois reemerged, she found Clark standing in his living room, looking out the bay windows at the city lights. As he turned towards her, she made her way over to him and threw her arms around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug before tilting her head up to give him a more proper greeting. "Hey, you," she said softly as he broke off the kiss. "I missed you today, stranger."
She should have known something was amiss by the look in his eyes and his tight smile in response. Actually, she should have known something was up when he didn't wrap her tightly in his embrace and continue the kiss where they left off. Maybe she should have known something bad was going to happen when she got up that morning. She should have called in sick, curled up under the covers, and waited for a more fortuitous star to cross overhead. But she didn't.
"Lois, we have to talk," Clark said ominously as he put his hands on her shoulders and stepped away from her. Turning from her, he shoved his hands in his pockets and focused his attention out the window again for a long moment, as if he was trying to figure out what to say next.
"Okay; what's up?" she asked with concern. It wasn't like Clark to look so somber, and she had a sudden fear of what he was going to disclose. A hundred nightmarish scenarios ran through her head – everything from Mrs. Kent falling ill to a telegram from the military saying something horrible had happened to General Lane. "Clark, is everything okay?"
She got a sinking feeling of foreboding in the pit of her stomach when she saw him look down for a moment, his shoulders sagging, and she lowered herself onto the sofa behind her, wanting to brace herself for whatever was coming. Just when she was about to press him farther, Clark straightened and turned to her. "I'm sorry, Lois, but this was a mistake. I don't think I can be with you anymore."
Lois's first reaction was a disbelieving chuckle. "You're kidding, right?" she asked, expecting him to say yes. When he shook his head slowly, she felt as if Clark had just punched her in the stomach. Of all the thoughts that had been running through her head, she had never entertained this one. The sinking feeling she had experienced earlier now graduated to all-out queasiness. Taking shallow breaths through her nose, Lois closed her eyes and hoped that when she opened them again, she'd discover that this was a horrendous dream or a poorly timed practical joke. But, no, when she opened her eyes again, he was still standing before her with a grave look on his face.
"Please, please tell me you mean that you can't be with me tonight. Please tell me you made other plans," she said, almost in a whisper. She had to be misconstruing his comments. He couldn't possibly be ending it between the two of them.
She saw a muscle in his jaw jump, and he wouldn't meet her eyes, but he said softly, "That's not what I meant." He reached up with one hand to rub the back of his neck as he looked away from her. "I'm sorry, Lois," he finished lamely.
Oh, god. One spectacular gastrointestinal display coming up. "Look at me Clark," she demanded, and she waited for him to meet her eyes before continuing. "I hate to be obtuse, but you're breaking up with me?" Lois asked, still trying to process the sudden reversal of their relationship. She could swear he looked pained for a moment, but he at least had the decency to refrain from drilling the point home one more agonizing time.
Normally, this would be her cue to get up and leave as if she was completely unfazed by the turn of events. In any other relationship, she'd be damned if she betrayed even the slightest bit of the pain she was feeling by pressing for answers or showing that it mattered to her at all. But this was Clark, and it did matter to her. She grabbed one of the pillows on the sofa and dragged it into her lap, wrapping her arms around it as if it would offer some amount of meager protection before she said, "But I don't…" She paused and swallowed a few times to make sure she could continue with some degree of dignity. "I don't understand, Clark. I thought things were going well between us. I mean, two weeks ago, we celebrated the one-year anniversary of our first date! Are you trying to tell me that some time between that night and today you just stopped…" she had to pause again, this time because she couldn't think of any way to finish the question. Her first thought, 'you stopped wanting me?' sounding rather pathetic, even to her.
"I can't explain it to you, Lois," he began, but she cut him off.
"Well, could you maybe try?" she demanded, throwing the pillow aside and jumping to her feet before pacing back and forth in frustration. "Explain to me how you just change your mind like that, Clark, because I just don't understand." She wasn't looking at him as she spoke; she needed to take a few moments to come to grips with what he was saying.
"What do you want me to say, Lois?" he demanded of her in return, clearly upset. "Is there anything I can say that will make you feel better?"
She knew the answer to that was no. There wasn't a single excuse in the world that would make this okay. But at least she'd have something to hold on to. "Probably not," she admitted. "But I think I deserve an answer, Clark." When he didn't look inclined to respond, she turned to him and demanded, "How long have you been wanting to do this?"
She could swear she saw pain in his piercing blue eyes for a moment, but it was gone so fast, she might have imagined it. "I've been thinking about it for a while," he hedged.
And she thought she couldn't hurt any worse. She began pacing again as, in disbelief, she repeated, "'A while'?" Then, in a sarcastic tone, she asked, "Could you be a little more vague, Clark, because otherwise, we might actually get somewhere." He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, something occurred to her, so she stopped and whirled to face him. "Did something happen? What is this really about? Because I find it hard to believe the man who told me ten days ago 'You're the best thing that's ever happened to me' has changed his mind."
She searched his face desperately for some clue that would explain why he had suddenly decided that he didn't want to be with her any more, but his features were impassive as stared silently at her. After a moment, he said softly in a flat tone, "Nothing happened, Lois. I just realized I can't be with you."
"Can't be with me, or won't be with me? Because, if you love me, and I believe that you do, I don't think there's any reason why…"
Clark interrupted her before her tirade could begin in earnest. "I'm not in love with you, Lois. I'm sorry."
Lois jerked as if he'd slapped her, and she gasped. She really had to stop thinking that it couldn't get any worse. Only years of practice in hiding her emotions and putting on a brave face allowed her to retain a shred of dignity at this moment and refrain from embarrassing herself further. "I don't believe you," she finally managed.
She saw Clark sigh, but he met her eyes without flinching as he said, "I'm sorry to hear that, Lois. I've told you how I feel; I don't know how I else I can prove it to you. You friendship means a lot to me, and I hope this doesn't damage or our professional relationship. But there can't be anything more than that between us. I…"
"If you say you're sorry one more time, Clark, I won't be responsible for my actions," she warned. Of all the things he could have said, the one thing she was hoping not to hear was any variation on the "Let's just be friends" theme. She couldn't believe that this was all she was to him was to him. On the other hand, if he had other reasons for breaking up with her, he certainly wasn't spilling them tonight. "Okay, Clark," she finally managed with a defeated sigh. "Have it your way." With her head held high, Lois turned and crossed to the door on unsteady legs and scooped up her purse with numb fingers. She had to get out of here now, before she made a bigger fool out of herself.
As she rested her hand on the doorknob, however, Lois turned to look back at the man who had been the best friend and best lover she'd ever known. He hadn't moved from his spot, and he stared back at her with an unreadable look on his face. She would swear that her leaving pained him, but that made no sense, as it was all his doing. With a confidence and defiance that she didn't feel, Lois tossed her hair back over her shoulder and met his gaze. "You know, Clark, if you're doing this because you honestly realized that you just don't love me anymore, or maybe you never did, then that's okay. I can live with that. But if you're doing this for some other misguided reason, then you're an idiot and a coward, and I thought better of you than that." At these words, Lois turned and left.
As she was riding in a taxi back to her apartment, Lois didn't allow herself to cry. In fact, she told herself she wouldn't give in to her grief at all. She hated giving in to such weakness; she would only do so once she had accepted that things were truly over between her and Clark, and she didn't think she'd be willing to do that any time soon.
The next day, Lois discovered that the worst thing about having your heart broken on Thursday is that you still have to go to work on Friday. You can't just sit at home for two days and use chocolate to anesthetize yourself. Moreover, when you work with the person who broke your heart, you have to go to work and pretend that nothing's wrong. While Lois wasn't willing to go so far as to say that this sort of charade was ever easy, she was willing to go out on a limb and say it was particularly difficult when the person you most had to hide your feelings from was your partner, and so precautionary avoidance wasn't an option.
As she stood in the elevator and waited for it to reach the newsroom floor, Lois rested her head against the back wall as she pressed a hand against her stomach to quell her sudden queasiness and took deep, calming breaths. She could do this. She was a professional, after all.
In entirely too short a time, however, the elevator bell dinged as the door slid open, and Lois managed to plaster a smile to her face before stepping off. As she strode briskly towards her desk, the sound of her name being called stopped her in her tracks, and she turned with a genuine smile as she turned to greet the young man who jogged to catch up to her, "Morning, Jimmy."
"Morning, Miss Lane!" he said cheerfully. "Hey, your cheek's getting better!" Lois tried not to scowl as she looked expectantly at her companion. Her scrapes may have healed a bit, but her bruises were looking worse. She was pretty sure she'd never seen that particular shade of green mixed with purple on a human being before. Seeming to catch on to the fact that Lois was not about to discuss war wounds with him, Jimmy continued in a rush, "I tried to call you last night, but I just got your voicemail. I wanted to let you know that I got that information you were looking for on Henry Madar."
As Lois herself to a cup of coffee, she nodded in appreciation and rubbed her neck in an unconscious gesture. Henry Madar's obsession with Superman was the reason she now sported colors she hadn't thought were found in nature, and while it took a lot to faze Lois Lane, even she had been scared by the depths of his madness. Even with her absolute faith in Superman, there had been a point at which she thought it was very unlikely she'd make it out alive.
With a barely concealed shudder, she put the memory out of her mind. Henry was behind bars; he wasn't going to be threatening anyone else any time soon. Instead of dwelling on the past, Lois changed the subject and chatted with Jimmy as she made her way over to her desk. For a few moments, at least, she had managed to forget about recent events, but when she caught sight of Clark sitting at his desk, collecting his notes for the morning meeting, it all came flooding back again. With a heavy sigh, Lois prepared herself for a very long day.
Later, after what had felt like four eons, Lois finally managed to escape purgatory in order to run to a nearby deli to grab some lunch. All morning long, she had been forced to sit next to her partner and not confront him about the events of the previous evening. She knew she wouldn't get any straight answers out of him; he had made that clear when he broke up with her. But she couldn't help but brood over the question that had been bothering her ever since Clark had broken the bad news. How does someone just decide they don't want to be in a relationship anymore? How can things be perfect one day and over the next?
The answer, she had to conclude, is that they didn't. Chalk it up to her reporter's instinct, or maybe a pathetic attempt at denial, but she couldn't believe that he had been absolutely honest with her when he told her why he was breaking it off. Something had to have happened. And she was going to do everything she had to in order to find out what. Her first order of business? Clearly, she had to talk to her cousin. If anyone might be able to give her any insight into recent events, it would be Chloe.
Unfortunately, Lois was unable to immediately pursue this question. She really wanted to talk to her cousin in person, but breaking stories took precedence over personal business. In the four days that passed before Lois got the chance to continue on her quest, she discovered that she had far more difficulty coping with her new situation with Clark than she'd once feared.
She had thought the evenings would be the hardest to get through – those endless hours between dusk and dawn when the night seemed interminable, her thoughts insufferable, and the memory of him in the bed beside her was inescapable. She'd washed her sheets and blankets a half dozen times at least, but she could swear his scent lingered on his pillow. However, she found that it was actually the little moments that were the hardest for her to bear. Any time during the day that her hand brushed against his, she couldn't help but remember how it felt to lay in his arms all night. Or when she heard or saw something remarkable, she had the briefest of moments where she couldn't wait to tell him about it. Then she would remember, and it would hurt all over again. During these moments, she wanted nothing more than to talk to her best friend. But when the person you need solace from is the one who caused the pain in the first place, what do you do?
When she finally managed to get away from Metropolis long enough to visit her cousin, she drove over without thinking to call ahead first. Pulling into Chloe's driveway, Lois hopped out of the car and strode up the front steps before knocking briskly on the front door. Lois really hoped someone was home; Chloe lived almost in Gotham, and that wasn't a short trip. When the door opened to reveal a familiar face behind it, a surprised look on her face, Lois sighed in relief and stepped forward and gave her younger cousin a quick hug. "Hey, Chlo. I hope you don't mind me dropping in on you like this, but I was in the neighborhood and wanted to see my favorite cousin!"
"Lois, I'm your only cousin," Chloe reminded her, returning the gesture.
"Well, then you don't have to work so hard at it," the older woman said with a smile as she broke off the hug and stepped through the door Chloe held open for her.
"Anyway, to what do I really owe the honor of your visit?" the younger woman asked as she poured a hot cup of coffee for her visitor and motioned towards the couch. When Lois turned to give her a surprised look, she said, "Lois, I don't exactly live in Metropolis anymore. My house isn't anywhere near any neighborhood you'd be likely to find yourself in. And may I remind you who was the investigative reporter first?"
With a wry smile, Lois nodded and accepted the mug of coffee with thanks. "Okay. I won't beat around the bush, then. I was wondering if you've talked to Clark lately."
Her brow furled, Chloe responded, "Not in the past week or two. I've been out of town on a business trip. Why?"
Lois sighed in disappointment. "Oh, it's nothing. I was just hoping…well, he broke up with me, and I was hoping he might have talked to you about it." She stared into her coffee cup as she spoke; she didn't really want to see the look on Chloe's face when she heard the news. If it looked as if Chloe had expected something like this, Lois might scream. If Lois saw either sympathy or pity on her companion's face, however, she wasn't certain she wouldn't break her promise to herself and cry. And if she did decide to admit that it was over and give in to a good sob, it was certainly not something going to do it in front of anyone else, even someone as close to her as her cousin.
Barging ahead before Chloe could react, Lois asked, "Do you know any reason why he'd do such a thing?"
For a second, Chloe paused, and Lois shot her a quick look. Before she could demand to know what her cousin was thinking, however, Chloe said quickly, "No! Did he say anything when he broke up with you?"
Lois sighed. "Only that he didn't love me." She looked into her cousin's face and saw the same skepticism there that she herself had felt. "And while I suppose it's possible that he just woke up one morning and realized he couldn't bear the thought of being with me anymore, I just can't bring myself to believe that's what happened. So, since I don't think you buy that any more than I do, I was hoping you might be able to give me some insight into the enigma and aggravation that is Clark Kent."
Chloe blew out a long breath and shook her head slowly. "Sorry, Lois, but I don't know what it is you're hoping I can tell you. You know Clark at least as well as I do, if not better. All I can say is that I've seen the two of you together; I know he cares about you. If you're wanting answers, I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to him."
Lois sighed. She didn't know what she'd expected her cousin to say. Maybe she was hoping for some magical insight into the Clark Kent Psychosis. On the other hand, it was a relief to find that Chloe didn't seem to think that Lois was suffering under the inability to accept the truth.
Clark had to have had another reason for his actions, and Lois was determined to find out what that reason was. For the rest of the visit, Lois carefully avoided bringing up the topic of Clark again, but the question lingered in the back of her mind.
For the better part of a week, Lois mulled over the issue. It seemed to her that there were only three likely reasons why Clark would decide to break up with her, even though he still cared for her.
Reason One: She could have said something to upset him, hurt his feelings, or make him believe she wasn't serious about their relationship. In the past, this had certainly caused more than one failed romance. She was certainly well aware of how abrasive she could be, particularly since she often spoke before she thought. Her reluctance to show vulnerability of any kind had given her a reputation for being somewhat emotionally untouchable in previous relationships. And her reluctance to admit she could be wrong had driven more that one man out the door. On the other hand, she spent many hours thinking over the events of the last week, and she genuinely couldn't think of any instances where she said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) anything out of the ordinary. Sure, it was possible that it was a case of a final straw breaking the camel's back, so to speak, but Clark had always seemed able to see though her tough exterior to the things she was unwilling or unable to say. She had a hard time believing he had suddenly lost this gift.
Reason Two: He thought the relationship was getting too serious, and he wasn't prepared to deal with that sort of commitment. Of the three reasons, Lois found this one the least likely. She didn't know where their relationship was headed, and she didn't think Clark had any psychic insights into the future any more than she had. But even if he thought they were headed for the next level, he was the last guy on Earth she would expect to be put off by the thought. She'd never known any guy in her life as ready to commit to a serious relationship as her partner. No, of the two of them, she was more than willing to admit that she would be far more likely to get spooked by thoughts of the future than he.
Reason Three: He was doing it because he thought it was the best thing for her. When this thought occurred to her, she wanted to track Clark down and chastise him, just on principle. Nobody did idiotic self-sacrificing things quite like Clark Kent. If he thought, for whatever reason, that her life would be better without him in it, she could definitely see him breaking things off between the two of them. For this reason, this had definitely been the leading theory all week.
Having decided on a possible theory to explain Clark's behavior, Lois decided the best way to discover if she was on to something was to subtly interview his friends and coworkers to see if they could give her any leads into the tangled mess that was Clark Kent's thought process. For five days, she had asked carefully veiled questions about the events leading up to the separation, and she was no closer to an answer now than she had been at the beginning.
To everyone's recollection, the only unusual thing to happen to Clark during that period was her abduction. When that happened, however, everyone agreed that he had been almost out of his mind with worry – in fact, they'd said he'd undergone a complete personality change. More than one person described Clark that day as being an entirely different person. Gone were his meek habits, his clumsiness, and his tendency to fade into the woodwork. He had apparently become quite the forceful personality, willing and able to take charge in the operations to track her down. A few people even said they had never seen Clark so determined - angry, even.
So, could something that clearly affected Clark that strongly cause him to end their relationship? It was possible, especially if he felt responsible for her abduction, and there was no reason why he should do so. On the other hand, if he did feel responsible, Lois knew he wasn't alone. She had realized in the days following her return that everyone seemed to feel they should carry some blame, including Perry, for ordering her on the assignment and Jimmy, for not going with her in Clark's absence. Clark hadn't been with her because he said he had some errands to run, but he'd agreed to meet up with her later.
So it was possible that Lois had stumbled on to something, but there was only one way she was going to find out if her theory was correct. She'd have to ask the man.
As soon as the thought crossed her mind, Lois jumped out of her seat and ran out the door, stopping only to grab her keys on the way. She didn't care that it was three o'clock in the morning and he was likely in bed asleep; she was sick of wondering why he had ended things. She had to know. And if she was correct in her conclusions, she was going to make sure he swore to never do anything so idiotic again. After that, she'd consider letting him make up for some lost time.
Five minutes later, Lois pulled into a spot that was miraculously free about fifty yards from the entrance to Clark's building and cut the engine. She knew she'd get the truth out of Clark tonight, even if she had to stoop to nefarious methods to get it – not that she knew what those methods would be, but she was willing to improvise. Her hand on the latch to the car door, Lois glanced towards Clark's front door one more time, and what she saw caused her to catch her breath. There was apparently a fourth option she had never considered.
As she watched, Clark's front door opened, and a petite raven-haired beauty crossed its threshold. She turned to talk to someone still inside the building, who couldn't be anybody but the man Lois had come to see. Even from this distance and the somewhat poor lighting, Lois didn't have any trouble identifying the woman on the steps. She'd know the womananywhere. As she watched, Clark stepped outside of his apartment and wrapped Lana in his arms, hugging her, and Lois finally remembered to breathe again.
She tried not to jump to conclusions. In fact, she closed her eyes and tried to think of three perfectly valid and completely innocent reasons why Lana would be at Clark's apartment at three o'clock in the morning. Maybe her apartment was being fumigated, the smoke hadn't cleared until the middle of the night, and she was eager to get home. Maybe the two of them had agreed to meet for a really early breakfast or, better yet, an extremely late dinner. Maybe aliens had abducted Lana for some sort of grotesque human experiments, and she'd just returned to Earth so she could share her story with Clark.
Maybe Clark had never gotten over Lana, after all.
Hard as that was for her to believe, it would explain a lot. Why he'd broken up with her so suddenly, without an explanation. How he could have just realized that he didn't love her. Why Chloe acted so strangely when she'd been asked if she had any idea why Clark would have broken things off.
It even explained some things that had bothered her during the course of their relationship, like why she often woke up in the middle of the night and found that he was no longer there beside her. She'd never pressed him for an explanation for his disappearances, but now it seemed to her that a man still hung up on one woman might feel guilty about waking up in bed next to another.
So that's why he'd broken up with her. It had nothing to do with anything she'd said or anything she'd done. It wasn't tied to the attempt on her life. It wasn't out of some noble if misguided gesture, or even some capricious whim.
Clark Kent had broken up with her because he was still in love with Lana Lang.
Lois couldn't believe she could have been so stupid.
She couldn't believe that it never even occurred to her that he'd broken up with her because he'd fallen for someone else – or, more accurately, because he'd realized he'd never fallen out of love in the first place. It had never even crossed her mind that maybe he genuinely had realized that he didn't love her.
For almost two weeks, Lois had been fighting against the inevitable, but now she had to give up. She had her answer, and Clark had been right. It didn't make her feel better. Without a word, without even looking back at the man she loved standing on his front porch with the woman she envied, Lois started the car and started to drive. She knew she probably drew attention to herself by peeling out of the parking space, but even that didn't matter any longer. Let Clark think she was pitiful, coming to see him in the middle of the night. It would just be the last in a long list of pathetic things she'd done lately.
It didn't matter where she was going. She wasn't even sure she had a destination in mind. At first, she was pretty sure she was driving on instinct, since she certainly wasn't making any conscious effort to drive the car. She just needed to go.
She was halfway to Gotham before she pulled over to the side of the road and released everything she'd been holding in for so long. In impotent rage, Lois started to scream as she beat her fists against the wheel. She vented all of her anger and frustration, cursing Clark for breaking her heart, cursing herself for letting him, cursing Lana for existing.
She didn't know how long she gave in to her bitterness, but there came a point when the virulence left her, and she lay her head against the wheel and sobbed.
She would likely have stayed there for a lot longer, crying alone in the dark, but a sound outside her car caused her to raise her head and peer out the fogging windshield. In her headlights, a familiar figure in primary colors was illuminated. With a quick, futile brush of her hand, Lois tried to remove the evidence of her recent emotion as she reluctantly reached for the door handle and slowly stepped out of the car.
"Is everything okay, Lois?" Superman asked in concern. "I saw your car here, and I thought maybe you'd broken down."
"Everything's fine, Superman," she reassured him, though the irony of his words wasn't lost on her. She knew it had to be obvious that she was lying; she wouldn't meet his eyes, her cheeks were still streaked with tears, and her breath was coming in pathetic little hiccups. "I was just on my way to see my cousin, and I thought I'd pull over for a few minutes."
"Oh," her companion said uselessly, and a long uncomfortable silence stretched between them. She heard him step closer to her, but she couldn't pull her eyes from her bare feet, as if the speck of mud on her toe was the most interesting thing in the world. "Listen, Lois," he said somewhat awkwardly, clearing his throat. "Are you sure you're okay, because I could…"
"Superman, do you think I'm a terrible person?" Lois looked up at him and asked abruptly, cutting off what would no doubt be an offer for him to fly her someplace safe.
"What? No!" he replied quickly, clearly surprised by the sudden shift in the conversation. "Why would you think that?"
Lois could feel her eyes begin to tear up again, so she looked back down at her feet. "It's not important," she said, reaching up to brush a rogue tear off her cheek with an angry gesture. She really didn't want to bare her soul to Superman. She could think of little else in the world more humiliating, in fact. On the other hand, she couldn't go to Clark any longer, and she didn't feel comfortable with the idea of crying on Chloe's shoulder about this. Maybe she was reluctant to do so because the same man had broken the petite blonde's heart in high school, so Lois should have known better.
She had nobody to talk to but the man in front of her, but if she did that, she'd likely be mortified until the end of time. Just when she was about to make some sarcastic remark and deflect attention from herself, he spoke. "Lois, I hope you know that I'm your friend, if you ever need to talk," he offered softly, and Lois responded with a bitter laugh.
"Yeah, I'm getting that a lot lately, actually." With a deep breath, she prepared a scathing remark again, and that was when she made a grievous mistake.
She looked up into Superman's eyes, and the concern there reminded her so much of Clark that her resolve broke, and she began to lose her composure again. "Clark doesn't love me," she said pitifully, and maybe she could have gotten out of this with a shred of her dignity intact if he hadn't chosen that moment to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight. When her face made contact with his shoulder, Lois let go and let herself sob once more. She knew she should be humiliated; she couldn't think of much more degrading than the spectacle she was making of herself. But it felt so good to be able to rely on somebody again, and, even if he wasn't Clark, for this moment, she could close her eyes and pretend. "All this time, I've been trying to figure out what went wrong, and I missed what was right in front of my face all along. He was telling the truth; he just doesn't love me," she wailed.
"How could I not see that coming? I know it's a fact of life that everyone leaves; it just takes some people longer to get out the door. But I never even thought…I never considered that he might some day leave me. How much of an idiot could I be?"
After sobbing for a while, she managed to get a hold of herself, and she pulled away from him, ashamed by her sudden outburst. Looking at her feet again, she said softly, "It's just that, for a while now, I've been trying to figure out how someone could just have a realization one day that they don't love you. How is everything fine one moment and over the next? The answer is that you don't. Clark loves Lana; he probably has known how he felt for a long time. And Lois Lane, great investigative reporter, never even had the slightest hint there was anything wrong."
Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself and looked up into his blue eyes again. "He must have been so miserable with me," she whispered, finally expressing the thought that was haunting her, in so much pain she was unable even to cry at the thought any longer. "I love him more than anyone else in this world, and I never had any idea that he wasn't happy. What does that say about me?"
Superman said her name very softly and reached up to brush the remaining tears off her cheek, but she couldn't stand it any longer. Full of self-loathing for the spectacle she'd made of herself, she stepped back until she broke out of his embrace. "You know what, forget about all this, Superman. Please." With a determined swipe of her hands across her eyes, she rubbed away her remaining tears and squared her shoulders.
With a braveness she didn't feel, Lois said as she got back in her car, "Clark doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did, and crying over it isn't going to change anything. I just have to accept it and move on."
She glanced at Superman in the rearview mirror as she turned her car around and headed back towards her apartment. He had an enigmatic look on his face, but Lois was entirely too exhausted to try to figure out why. When she could no longer see him behind her, she whispered to herself, finishing her previous thought, "I just have to figure out how."