Rude just sighed as he watched the sun rise. He'd done so much sleeping the past however many days, he just couldn't sleep anymore. Which, of course, lead to his mind racing about nearly everything. What irritated him the most, the thing he kept coming back to, was that although there were still quite a few gaps in his memories, all the emotions he should have associated with them just... weren't there. He just... wasn't feeling much of anything, actually. However, he knew he had to at least put on a good show, otherwise he'd end up hurting Reno more than he already had.
Reno when he finally woke up pulled himself to shaky feet. .he knew something was wrong, he could always tell. ..what they'd had. ..was gone and that hurt more than any words could say. ..how to start over, when he had no idea how?
"Morning," Rude said as he stretched. "How did you sleep?"
"Fine. .." His voice was flat, near emotionless. ..as if he knew more than he let on.
"That's good," he answered, the false cheer in his voice annoying even to him. Rude pulled on a pair of sweat pants that had been in that overnight bag, then added an old t-shirt and slippers, stretching and scratching before he made his way to the door of their room. "Going to get some coffee. Want some?" he asked.
He nodded, before heading in for a shower. ..washing up. ..getting rid of the dirt of a full day and a half almost of being comatose.
Rude returned with the coffee quickly, sitting on the bed with his own cup and the morning's newspaper while he waited for Reno.
Reno as he steps out in his towel with a pair of sweat pants slung low over his hips he hissed as he sat, he was pretty damn sore, Hell, sore, wasn't the word for it, in a pretty good amount of pain was more like it. "Thanks yo." again, that quiet, flat tone.
Rude would however notice that there was on his night table under where the paper had been a copy of the concerto he'd written, with the title marked on the label of the tape. ..he'd taped it while playing it that first time. ..as well as Rude's favorite book of myths, he'd had Elena bring it up.
As Rude flipped through the sports section of the paper, he mumbled, "Hey... the Pugs are playing the Moogles tonight..." It was a blatently bad attempt at conversation, but hey, it was something.
"Yeah. .. Moogles'll wipe the floor with 'em. ..they always do." His voice had some tny amount of spark to it, he was trying to, but he had so little left.
"You never know. Every team has to get a win at least once a season..." Yes, sports. They were guys; they could bond over something guy-ish, right? Right?
"Doubt it, Moogles got that one cousin o' Lockhart's pitchin'."
"And the Pugs just traded for the best hitter from the draft. They've got a chance..." Rude swallowed down the sigh that threatened to break free from him. They were talking, they weren't fighting, so what was his problem?
His problem? He needed everything they'd had, it was gone. ..even fighting would be better than this. ..he didn't even know how to describe it. ..this pale imitation of all they'd had.
That sigh had finally escaped as Rude flipped the sports page over to read the back. What was the use? He wasn't really getting anywhere with the crappy small talk anyway.
"I'm gonna get a smoke." he announced, before semi-staggering out the door.
Tseng turned to Rufus as the slender redhead strode by them. "It seems. ..the memory has returned. ..but the emotion is gone." He shook his head. ..he knew how badly it would hurt Rufus if that was the case with them, or hurt him if it were vice verse.
A grunt slid past Rude's lips as he flipped to the current events section of the paper. He hadn't been invited to tag along, and truth be told... it would probably just make things worse.
"Professional opinion, Tseng," Rufus stated plainly. He could no keep giving these two such leeway if he was to rebuild ShinRa Company. "How effective do you believe they will be?"
"As partners? They seem to work together fine. ..but on any deeper level, I am not certain."
"I need effective Turks, Tseng," Rufus said quietly. He felt he had indulged the pair far more than anyone else possibly could. It stung that he had to ask, but he couldn't forget all that they were working for.
"I understand sir. ..the most we can do. ..is partner Reno with Elena for a time, I think. .maybe if we seperate them the rest of the gaps will fill themselves in. ..Reno however. . .is becoming deeply depressed. ..his life, for all he can see, is falling apart."
"I want Reno on a mandatory antidepressant regimine," Rufus ordered. "Other than that, do what you have to in order to insure their effectiveness as Turks is NOT compromised. I do not have enough manpower as it is, Tseng. I do NOT need that number to go any further down."
"Yes sir, my reccommendation is to partner him with Elena for a time. ..partner Rude with myself. .help the gaps fall into plac. ..though they say hypnosis works well for filling in the gaps, but I doubt he would agree to it without being ordered."
"Save that for a last resort, Tseng," Rufus said. He didn't mention how Rude's lack of memories could possibly be an asset to the cause. Without prejudices, he could be molded into a better Turk than he already was.
"Yes sir." he watched the slender redhead outside. ..wondering if medication was even that good an idea. ..it didn't fix the deeper problems.
Rufus' next words were quiet, as if spoken only as a soft exhale more than actual words. "You must think me heartless."
"Sir. ..you are doing your best, I know. ..part of you still loves him, I know this. ..part of you. . .understands his pain. but how to solve the problem without pulling them apart? How to. ..bring them back to where they were? I do not know how."
"If they must be pulled apart..." Rufus said, his tone far harsher than he originally wanted it to be. "I... I have a company to rebuild. I... I can't waste my time on issues that may not pan out as well as I want them to. ShinRa has fallen from grace, and it will take many man hours and far more capital that I currently have to complete the return to greatness..." He just hoped Tseng understood what he was trying to get at.
"I understand sir. .but is it worth the cost? How many more lives must be destroyed before the dream becomes reality?" He was always thinking of that cost in lives. ..always..."He is falling because he is grieving the loss of something more dear to him than his own life. ..we must find a way to bring them together again. .or he WILL be lost to us, I can almost guarantee that."
Rufus' eyes flashed with a dangerous passion. "You do not understand, Tseng. To return the legacy left me to greatness would far exceed anything any member of the ShinRa Company has ever done. To regain that place in history... It is worth any cost. Even the cost of my own life"
"Even the cost of one who has been with you since the beginning. . .stood by through all of it?" He looks outside again, that form hunched, leaning against a wall.
"I have indulged them enough," Rufus said, his tone casting that edge of finality to the discussion.
Tseng sighed, walking off. just thinking. ..then strode out to where Reno was, setting an arm across his shoulder, he looked tp be speaking to him, the younger man simply shook his head and strode back inside, no, medicine would heal the deeper ache of loss, perhaps help him function, but only his partner could heal the pain, and he wasn't able.
Rufus turned on his heels, glancing down at his watch. He had a meeting with Reeve in two hours regarding his intent to add some funding to the WRO in exchange for a few... favours.
Reno looked up now as Elena came in, waving to her. "Hey. .."
"Hey," she replied, plopping herself down on the curb and pulling out the pack of cigarettes she'd stolen from Rude.
"Hurts. ..everything friggin' hurts. ..and it's all gone. ..everything we had is gone and I have no idea how to deal with it or bring it back. ."
Elena sighed. She was, for once, out of answers. The only thing she could come up with was, "I know."
"I came back. ...for him and for Rennan and what the FUCK do I get. .THIS?" He didn't even have the energy to punch the wall anymore.
Another sigh, accompanied by an exhale of smoke. "I know. I know, and I'm sorry."
He got up, starting to pace, he didn't even have any tears left, just this deep, overwhelming hurt. .. "Just. ..stop the fucking world, I want off. ..I'm done, I'm fuckin' through. .."
Elena stood, her voice soft. "You don't mean that."
"I do.. .I've never meant anything more in my life.. .except when I told him I loved him." He sighed, and when he looked at her she would see empty, souless eyes, the pain was even too deep for it to show there.
The half-smoked cigarette was flicked away as she pulled Reno against her. She had no words, no words at all, that she could find that could possibly help him feel better. So, instead, she just held him close, not letting him break her hold even when he tried.
"When I said. ..I didn't want to be here without him I meant it. ..Rennan's the only reason I haven't done anything stupid."
"I know." It was whispered harshly as the tears she felt she couldn't muster fell hotly down her cheeks.
Finally he pulled away. ..walking back inside, settling onto his bed, rolling over and slipping into sleep.
Tseng shot Elena a look then spoke "If we can't Rude to remember. ..we're going to lose them both." he spoke from the doorway.
"Do you think I don't know that?" Elena snapped, tears still sliding down her face. However, after a moment's thought, she quickly composed herself, wiping her hands across her eyes and sniffling. "I'm... I'm sorry, sir. I forgot myself."
"Understood, Elena. ..Rufus is so focused on rebuilding right now...he forgets what it will cost."
There was a hopeless sigh between them, voiced only by the blonde. "What do we do now, sir?" she asked, looking for guidance in the strongest man she'd ever known.
"I told him perhaps hypnosis would bring it back, but he will not order it unless something desperate happens."
Elena frowned. "Then... what else is there?"
"Time...or Reno doing desperate, which he is dangerously close to doing."
"We... we can't let him do that," she said, tone breathless with worry.
"It may take that for Rude to realize what he stands to lose. ..he is notoriously stubborn, something we both know.'"
"But, if Rude DOESN'T realize..." The unspoken words hung heavily in the air.
"Then Reno is lost to us either way. .."
Elena sighed, the sound defeated.
"If it were just this, he would be able to handle it. ..but this. ..combined with the past year. ..it has depleted his inner strength."
Finally, the thing that had always bothered Elena about Reno came out. "Why can't he realize that Rude's not the only guy out there who would give him the time of day? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for them, but"
"Because his life has become so intertwined there is no loosing it from Rude's without losing part of himself. ..it happens that way sometimes."
Elena sighed petulantly. "I guess I just don't understand them."
"I confess I do not sometimes either. .."
It was then that Rude walked past them, stepping towards one of the stone benches there were stationed around the hospital's entrance.
Tseng shot a look at Elena, them noted that Reno's bed was empty. ..the drawer open, the bottle of hypnocil that had been in it gone. "Elena.. .perhaps you should go check on Reno."
Elena frowned, but did as she was asked. She poked her head into the room. "Reno?" she asked softly, glancing around the dark room.
Reno laid on the floor, the bottle next his hand. ..a few spare pills scattered about the bottle...he'd meant what he'd said. His hair was spread in a crimson curtain around his head, his eyes closed, breathing so shallow you'd think he wasn't. .. even one acted fairly fast, but the number he'd taken. ..very fast.
"Reno!" Elena shouted, slamming her fist against the nurse call button as she dropped to her knees next to the redhead.
No response, not even a whimper. ..everything he'd fought for was gone. ..all of it.
Tseng heard the yell, ran inside. . .his look to Rude held no trace of reproach, only questioning.
Rude walked inside slowly, unsure as to what all the fuss was about.
Tseng's face said it aall. .."Look. ..look at what all of this has brought about. ..don't you care?"
Did he care? Did he really? He just shook his head, unbelieving as he watched.
Reno's face was pale, lifeless. . .just like the night he'd come in after the night the plate had fallen, the bottle of vicoden by his hand. . .the nurses getting him up into the bed, doctors rushing about, getting the stomach pump up, injecting medicines to counteract the sedative effects of the drug.
Rude just stared, a frown creasing his face as he did.
Tseng just sighed, shaking his head as he spoke. "So this is what 6 years comes to. ..are you really so unfeeling that you can feel nothing for him?" the words were cutting, but he felt the man needed a serious wake up call.
"Shut up!" Rude snarled, stalking forward and gripping the metal tubing that served as a footboard to the hospital bed. "You idiot! You goddamn fucking idiot! What the fuck did you think you were doing? You promised me you would never fucking do this ever again, and here I am, watching you try to fucking kill yourself over what? Nothing. No-fucking-thing." His words were harshly spoken to the unconscious redhead.
"Over a year that would have broken most, Rude. ..that is what. ..he needed you. .still needs you. ..and you have been cold to him. .."
His grip was so tight on the metal tubing that it was beginning to warp slightly. "Shut up!" Rude snarled over at Tseng again, before turning his attention back to Reno. "When are you going to fucking realize that I'm not fucking worth it?! You can fucking walk away, you know that, you know there's nothing of mine holding you here against your will. You think the only fucking way to get out of it is to fucking kill yourself? What kind of fucking Turk lets himself be offed by a fucking bottle of pills?"
"You were the only one he wanted.. .always the only one he wanted, you are worth it to him. .." with that Tseng walked out. .. leaving Rude there alone to come to terms with what he stood to lose.
With a loud roar, Rude spun around, smashing his fist through the drywall in the nearest wall. Before he could spin back around, four large men held him, trying to restrain him.
Silent tears tracked down the face of the one on the bed, he was unconscious yes, but he could still hear. ..still somewhat feel even if he could not communicate with the outside world except through that. He never wanted to walk away. ..but he wanted this entire year to just be rewound. .. or at least the past wekk. ..he wanted his life as it had been back, when he had had the one with him and behind him that kept him strong.
"Let me go! Let me the fuck go!" Rude was dragged bodily from the room, literally kicking and screaming the whole time.
"Please. .." the barest whisper...only semi-conscious. "Let him stay. .."
A sedative was administered, and within minutes, Rude was as docile as a child.
The eyes were glassy with the drugs still pulling at his system. ..but he looked over at Rude. "You are worth it, dammit. ..you're Mi Corazon. ..and I made a promise not to ever do this again. ..but you made a promise not to abandon me again. ..."
"I didn't abandon you on purpose," he said quietly, his eyes going a little woobly from the sedative.
"I know. .but shit. ..you think someone can hold out forever. ..? this past year woulda broken the strongest, I only made it through because YOU were with me every step of the way. ..I need you. ..need you to fucking be there.. .but you can't be, and I don't know how to get through what happened back there without you."
Rude averted his eyes and said nothing. What really could he say?
"He raped me with a fucking rifle! I. .. " and he choked off. "I watched a fucking 11 year old kid die because Krastof stuck a fucking gun up his ass and fucking shot his god damn guts out through his mouth!"
"Not. My. Fault," Rude said plainly.
"No, it wasn't. .." He shook his head eyelids drooping, he was still so tired. ..but he had to stay awake, he had to.
"I don't know what you expect of me anymore. It's... it's really hard trying to read you when I'm also worrying about myself..." Rude's words went to the heart of the matter. But really, how could he be expected to recover when deep down he was so worried about Reno?
"I just. ..want to know I'll still have you when all this is said and done. ..I'm sorry about. ..this. ..I know it's stupid, yo. .. .but shit. ..every man's got a breaking point and I hit mine. .."
Rude had nothing to say. Which wasn't to say that he didn't actually have anything to say, it's just that regardless of how he said it, it was going to be taken the wrong way, and that was something they DIDN'T need right now.
Reno turned over then taking the SILENCE entirely the wrong way. .. "I guess. ... I got my answer right there."
Rude sighed, placing his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. "It's not that," was all he said. He knew it. It really didn't matter what he did or tried to do, it wasn't going to be taken the way it was meant to.
"Then you tell me. .. you fucking tell me, you're dealing with a desperate fucking man here. ..one who has had the shittiest fucking year of his life, one which YOU are lucky enough not to remember a fucking lot of!"
"Do you think I've had a wonderful time at this? I'm not the masochist here, Reno," Rude spoke evenly, his tone low. Okay, so the blow was below the belt, but Reno was fighting just as dirty. "Have you ever woken up in the morning with no idea who you are? At least you could remember your own name, Reno. Even now, there's quite a few fucking holes, but I get the gist of it. And from that, let me tell you, I haven't had the best fucking year ever either."
"you didn't fucking get raped by your own damn cat on top of more than one person I'm suprised I haven't gotten some damn social disease from! " He was shouting, tears streaming down his face the whole time. "Then watch your damn husband get shot by a crazy obsessive son of a bitch and have him die in front of you then forget who the Hell he was. ..then go after his fucking brother while you almost fucking died"
"And if I hadn't gone after Eric YOU would've fucking died!" Screaming match? Rude could do a screaming match.
Reno just curled up tighter. ..his whole body shaking. ..he couldn't shout anymore, but his emotional state was too fragile to do much else. ..his eyes closing as he feels the rifle barrel again, his hands going to the sides of his head. .. mouth opening in a soundless scream.
Rude just sat there, his head still in his hands, eyes squeezed shut as he tried not to let all that anger he held inside out. The last thing he needed to do was direct that fury against the redhead.
"Just do it, go ahead fucking scream at me, fucking pound me into paste, I know after the Hell I put you through I deserve it, right?"
"Shut up," he said, his voice telling just how much he was holding back. "Just... just shut up."
Reno had no escape, he was too weak to walk on his own, all he could do was sit with his body so tense it might snap feeling the undercurrents in the air. "You want to. ..you fucking mistake me for HIM anyway,..." it was a bare hiss. He hated himself, he hated life, and he almost subconsciously wanted Rude to punish him for what he felt he did wrong. ..but then he stopped goading him, going silent and crumpling to the matterss as the stress became too much and his body went into sensory overload-induced unconsciousness.
Whatever Rude had wanted to say in response was summed up in the roar that left his lips. He stalked quickly away from Reno, out the room and down the hallway, his steps purposeful but not taking him anywhere in particular. So long as he was anywhere but there, he was happy.
Tseng watched him walk off, looking to Elena, they both had heard the entire fight.
Elena just shook her head. How had things gotten to that point?
"We should leave Rude be until he calms down. ..Reno is hurting, but he has no idea how to express it without pushing away everyone that cares about him. ..he is testing limits with Rude now to see if he is going to stay."
"And the last thing Rude wants is to be tested..." Elena finished. Things were just spiralling further and further out of control, it seemed.
"He needs him, badly. ..but he does not know how to tell him that. ..Rude is so unsure of himself right now he doesn't know how to find himself again."
"What a mess," Elena said.
"Very much so. .this is. ..the culmination of a year of trauma."
Elena shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "So... now what, sir?"
"We deal with it. ..in the manner it should have been. with help and one trauma at a time."
"Which one first?" she asked, ready to take on whatever challenge they would have to deal with first. They were Turks, after all.
"The initial attack that started this whole spiral. ..I suspect he was assaulted more than physically during it. ..If you notice.. .he was never quite the same after it. I suspect your cousin and his partner raped him, but I have no evidence of it except for his actions SINCE that attack.
"Can we not discuss my family's shortcomings, sir? Please?" Elena felt partially responsible for all that... even though she new she wasn't.
"It was not your fault, Elena. ..but the aftermath must be dealt with, and I have doubts that it ever was, by either one of them."
"They don't seem to do dealing with very well..." she muttered.
"They skirt around the issue. . ."
"And lie by omission about the entire thing," Elena finished.
"Exactly. It must be dealt with. . .Rude is afraid by bringing it up he will traumatize Reno all over again. ..but it must be brought up, and worked through, or Rude will end up alienating himself from EVERYONE and Reno will end up dead."
Elena sighed. "So... what do we do, sir?"
"We bring in a professional, order them both to see him TOGETHER, and get it all out in the open."
"But they've BEEN to professionals, sir," Elena protested. "And it hasn't worked."
"He went ONE time, and considered the issue solved. ..and they did not deal with the underlying trauma that has never been resolved."
"I know, but... how are we going to get them to go more than once without physically dragging both of them there?" she asked.
"I think. .Reno is beginning to understand that unless he solves his own problems the problems BETWEEN them never will be."
"And the big guy?" She knew full well that Rude thought himself perfectly mentally healthy.
"He has issues that must be dealt with as well, but at least if Reno deals with the trauma things might return to some sort of even keel."
Elena nodded, then waited for Tseng to lay out their plan of attack.
"We could tell him we will bury the suicide attempt so that it will not be factored into the custody affair so long as he seeks counseling for all of the trauma he has experienced in the past year"
Elena's eyes widened. "The custody case," she said. She'd forgotten all about that happening at the end of the week. Would... Could Reno be prepared for it, mentally?
"He will focus for Rennan's sake, he has done it before."
"I hope so," she replied softly.
Reno when he finally awakened did so to two female faces practically glaring at him. ..one with a short blond bob, the other with long dark hair and tits just as big as he remembered.
"Male or female?" Tifa asked.
"And make the answer quick," Elena added. Both their tones left no room for arguement.
"What the Hell are you two talking about, Teef, Laney?"
"Who do you feel more comfortable with?" Tifa asked.
"Talking to, we mean," Elena finished. It was like they were the same person talking from two seperate bodies.
"Women for the most part. ..and has anyone seen the big guy? I. ." and he blushes." I really need to apologize, I went a little nuts for a while there."
"I think you'd be better off talking to someone else first," Elena said.
Reno just lowers his head. ..nodding. "There's so much. .he doesn't know about, ya know? I was afraid ta tell him beceausea how posessive he c'n be and I was. ..actually kinda afraid he think I brought it on m'self or something."
"Lying by omission is still lying, Reno," Tifa said softly.
"And you wouldn't want him to do that to you," Elena added.
"How do you tell him that sometimes. ..in the middle of the night when you curl up on yourself it's because you remember how dirty you felt afterward?" He shook a little saying that. "When you had to FORCE yourself to enjoy their touch again and now that you have no one else's will do?"
"Reno..." Tifa said softly.
"You still should have said something," Elena said just as softly. "It probably wouldn't have gotten this bad if you'd just spoken up about your feelings. Isn't that what you're always telling Rude"
"I know.. shit..." and he draws in on himself, his arms crossing over his chest, rubbing his arms as if he was cold all the way through and simply could not get warm. "I hate. ..feeling so fucking dirty. .and worthless. ..and I guess subconsciously I figured at least if I push him away now in the end when he walks away. ..it might not totally destroy me. .." his eyes fill. ..his body was shaking hard. .. " I was wrong. ..fuck. ..was I wrong."
"If he was going to walk away just from that, he doesn't deserve you," Elena said.
"I'm going to go make arrangements," Tifa said softly, leaving quickly before Reno could question her about them.
"He doesn't know. .but I need. .need him to know but I don't know how to tell him. .." He looked up at Elena with the most helpeless eyes she would ever see from him. "I need him with me. ..but he doesnn't want to be. ..and of course I've always been too damn proud to beg for it."
"Of course he wants to be with you," Elena's words made it seem like Reno was just talking silly. "If he didn't, he wouldn't get all alpha male all the damn time."
He just sighed. ..his heart and mind were just. ..well pretty much scraped raw. "I guess. ..I should tell him huh? I mean. ..just calmly try to tell him all of it?"
"Not yet," she said. "I think you should probably tell someone else first." Elena wasn't being purposefully mysterious... she just thought it best not to get Reno's hackles up.
"As long as they don't put me in one of those places where you can't even have a comb for your hair 'sall good."
"Oh shush," Elena said with a dismissing hand. "She's just going to talk to you, help you work through it, and help you find the best way to tell the big guy, that's all. In and out only; no overnight stays."
He nodded, his eyes closing for a few moments. "I was a dumbass, eh? I just. ..was in so damn much pain here. .." he gestured to his temple "And here " he put a hand over his heart. "I just. ..well. ..I didn't know how to let it all out."
"Who else does that sound like?" Elena teased.
"Sounds a lot like Rude, actually." He chuckled ruefully.
"Now, we can only have one Rude at a time, so knock it off."
Reno chuckled again, then sighed "You know. .. he's not gonna have an easy timea it while all this shit's comin' up an out. ..I'm likely to scream n' yell n' throw shit n' maybe even cower when he touches me. ..but 'sall a part o' dealin' with it. ..I. ..just want him ta know what he's dealin' with and be prepared for it, ya know.""
"Like anyone ever has an easy time with you," she teased.
He laughed again. "Only since this whole fucked up year started. ..I wasn't that bad before that."
"Oh really?" she asked, lightly punching Reno's shoulder. "You never had to deal with the highlighter incident, or the cheese in a can incident, or..."
"Ok, so I like practical jokes." He looked up to see the large figure in the door, and his eyes spoke volumes. "I. .. I'm sorry, yo. ..an' I'm gonna do m'best ta fix it. ..soon. ..you'll know why I've been so damn difficult and crazy."
Rude grunted, then turned away. He could wait. He was a patient man. And he was most patient for things worth waiting for.