"She'll come here to get you. Don't worry about it. She's a really sweet woman," Elena said, going about her mother hen routine and tucking Reno into his bed.
He sighed, knowing he was NOT going to sleep well, since he had used the medication in his stupid action that the only good that had come from it was his own realization that he needed help and the making of a point, but he figured he deserved it. .. "Thanks, Laney."
"Any time, man, any time," she smiled. With a tiny salute and a big smile, she turned to leave the room.
He was awakened by a knock on his door about 3 or so hours later, he yawned and mumbled "come in."
"Mr. Tarshil?" a female voice asked before an equally female head peeked around the door.
"Yeah, m'awake." He looked fairly haggard, he had slept the sleep of pure exhaustion, and it had been nightmare riddled.
"My name's Dr. West. Your friends asked me to speak with you," she said, coming into the room slowly, then closing the door behind her rather gently. She was a tiny woman, petite in all aspects, and rather soft spoken.
He nodded, yawning softly. "A full year of unresolved trauma messes with your head." His tone was slightly sardonic.
"That is understandable," she said, pulling one of the random chairs in the room over by the bed so she could sit down. "However, if you don't mind me asking, why didn't you seek counselling before"
"A little pride, lil' fear. .. " he sighed shaking his head. He was a man, and men were proud creatures until you beat their minds down sufficiently after all.
"Pride shall be the downfall of many a man," Dr. West said with that tiny smile of hers. "But I don't think that's what we're here to talk about, is it?"
"More like. .everything that destroyed what little pride I got." His eyes and tone showed how heart weary he truly was.
"There's no shame in eating a slice of humble pie." This Dr. West was full of little quips. "Why don't you tell me about it? The WHOLE story, please. I need a full picture to help you work through it."
He started with the rally. ..the beating. ..then his cheeks pinkening as he related the things Rude didn't know. "Before he reached me. ..one of 'em held me down while the other. .. took advantage of me. ..the crowd gathered around was cheering him ON. .." he shuddered.. "I mean, sure, I've killed people in my line of work before, but to cheer on someone being. ." and he gulps, for some reason he can't put name to what had been done. "Well, that's just fuckin' sick. . .and the names. ." another shudder. "Fag, queer, lapdog, planet killer. ..shouting them over and over while. .."
"And how does that make you feel? Being called those names while you were being raped?" Dr. West, on the other hand, could put the name to what had been done.
"Dirty. ..like I. ..deserved it." His voice grew quiet. "Like I deserved every single thing those two bastards did. ..when the crowd told them Rude was there they just pulled my pants up and acted like they'd done nothing. .."
"Why do you feel you deserved to be degraded like that?"
"I'm sure it's in my records. .I was one of Corneo's pets. ..letting other men have sex with me for money. ..I was a fucking whore, why would I deserve the basic right to say no?"
"Because you're not a whore any longer?" she asked plainly.
"Tell his other pets that...the ones who weren't lucky enough to get away before they were turned completely unsalvagable. ." His tone grew bitter, oh yes, he had almost as much buried rage as Rude, only his was directed at himself, nto outwardly.
"You are not them."
"Only by sheer luck. .."
"Now, let's not be so bitter. You almost sound as if you want to go back to that lifestyle."
"Of course I don't. ." He protested, but maybe, some part of him felt he deserved it.
"And where did you stand within the heirarchy of 'pets'?" she asked, her fingers going up to make the quoting motion at the word 'pets'.
"The one that never behaved...The bad dog. .." He sighed, shaking his head. . .
"And you were punished frequently?" She assumed.
He nodded, then his eyes screwed shut when the memories hit, the pain, the screaming. .before the incident that had fueled his escape came out slowly, almost reluctantly. "He punished me. .because the guy didn't pay me, and hurt me on top of it. ..those things. ..have barbs there...I was 13 fucking years old! Who the HELL does that to a 13 year old?"
"Does what, Reno?" Her voice was like the soft whisper, giving hope in the surrounding dark.
"Who the HELL sets a full grown cuahl on a 13 year old boy?"
"Was that your first sexual experience?" Hey, she had to get all the details if she was going to help him out, right
Reno shook his head, eyes growing even wider, fist going into his mouth. ..and what his father did came spilling out in the voice of a scared and shaken 9 year old. . .ne who didn't know what he'd done to deserve being hurt.
"What your father did was not any fault of your own," she said carefully. "His actions were uncalled for, regardless of whatever it was that you did. That was not dicipline; it was abuse of the most heinous kind. You must realize that he was the wrong one, not you."
He nodded, but the look of terror did not subside for several long moments. ..it was the deepest memory, and the incident really that had been the beginning of his fall. Intellectually, he knew he was the one wronged, but it was claiming it for himself and truly believing it that was so hard.
"I know you still have negative feelings associated with this, however you must recognize those feelings for what they are. Claim them, acknowledge them..."
"He used to hit mom and I all the time...Glad the fucker's dead."
"Yes, keep going..." she encouraged.
"Every time he'd get drunk. .he. ..hit slammed Mom into a wall. ..I was 11 damn years old, and he punched her. .slammed her into the wall. ...hurt her so bad she's mentally a fucking 3 year old. ..do you know. ..how scarring it is to watch your own father turn your mother into a fucking vegetable?"
"He can't touch you or her any more."
He finally smiled. .that ghost having freed itself. ..the memories would always be there, but at least they wouldn't haunt his dreams anymore as they once had."The worst part really. ..of this particular mess is that I need him. ..but at the same time, I hate myself for needing him like I do."
"Need him like how?" There. That was one hurdle jumped. How many more to go?
His ring flashed in the dim light and he shook his head."Rude's. ..been my rock through so much. ..I don't know how I woulda made it through this year without him."
"And it bothers you that you feel you have to depend upon someone else for your own strength?" she asked.
"It does...'specially now when I don't have it."
"You need to find your own strenght, Reno."
"'snot easy. ..what I did have's gone. .."
"Not gone. Just... hidden." She smiled genuinely, her teeth showing just a little as she did so.
He chuckled quietly. "He also thinks I'm a lil' crazy for keeping livewire."
"Livewire...? The... cuahl?" Dr. West was just a little confused by the timeline jumps in Reno's stories.
"Yeah." He chuckled again, his mind was zinging at random. ..
"What made you want to keep the animal?" she asked.
"He protected me during the whole mess. ..besides. .he. ..sorta thiought I was his mate. .. getting him to not follow would been pretty hard."
"And how do you think your partner feels about the cat?"
"Jealous...but he's warmed up to him some."
"I see," Dr. West began looking over the notes she'd been taking as Reno was talking and comparing them to the notes she had taken while going through his records. "Now, changing gears just a little, when you first met Mr. Urar, what was your honest opinion of him?"
"He was BIG...I think. ..I was all maybe 12...the Red Barons were usin' me as a mule ta carry their merchandise back and forth. ..but he saved my bacon one night. .." The story of the kids who had pinned him against the wall..Rude finding him there. ..chasing the kids off. .his hands unconsciously touching the scars on his cheeks as he relates the tale.
"And did you see him again after that? Prior to meeting him again in your current profession?"
He relates how he had seen him the night that Rude had been similarly used. . .how his hands had shaken so hard calling the paramedics on Rude's phone...
"And when you met him upon your entrance into the Turk Program... it says nothing here about previous affilitions with him. Why is that?" She could sense a tiny bit of fear associated with the bald man, and she was determined to get to the bottom of it.
"Most of our previous records are classified.. . we both had some scrapes with the law prior to our beiin' recruited.he had a prior assault. .I had some drug charges.. . a car theft or two."
"I'm not speaking of your records, Reno," Dr. West said knowingly. She could tell the redhead was dodging her question. "Why did you not mention that you were familiar with Mr. Urar?"
"I. . .honestly didn't even think about it." But he knew what she was looking for. ..the assault charge for Josh. ..he told her what he knew. .."I. ..I was a little creeped out that we looked so much alike."
"Creeped out how?" she asked. Creeped out could mean a lot of things.
"I wasn't sure if we ended up together because he wanted me. ..or because I reminded him of Josh."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"I was.. .miffed. I wanted him to want me for me. .I'm NOT Josh...I may be a little messed up, but I'm NOT psychotic."
"Do you truly believe that he chose to be serious with you because of your resemblance to--" she glanced into the file folder for the boy's name. "--Mr. Miller?"
"No...or at least I didn't used to, but during this crisis he called me by his name!"
"The resemblence truly is uncanny..." Dr. West muttered, then looked up from her file. She took her tiny wire-rimmed glasses off, setting them carefully on her lap. "It is very common for people, when trying to think quickly or when they are under stress, to call people by other people's names. Most times, it's just a misfire of the brian, like when a mother calls her daughter by the other daughter's name. Others, it actually means something."
"He said he wouldn't hurt me anymore as long as I behaved. ..what does THAT tell you?"
"It tells me that when I'm done helping you, he also needs my assistance." Her voice held an even tone as she spoke. It would be considered comforting to most. "Now, when he mistook you for Mr. Miller, what was his mental state, in your opinion?"
"He was amnesiac at the time. . .admittedly, I wasn't dealing with it well."
She paused, jotting down a note. They would have to come back to that. "What is it, exactly, that bothers you the most about Mr. Urar?"
"The fact that after the crisis...the memories are coming back. .but the emotion behnd them is gone..." He sighed. ."and he draws in on himself so I don't know how to get it back. .."
"Unfortunately, you must realize that there is no backwards movement in time, only forwards." She paused. "To say you want something back indicates some form of regret." She paused again, waiting for him to speak.
He looked down at his hands. "I want him to remember that he loved me. ..for me. ..and I want him to love me like that again." the words were soft, a bare whisper.
"That, unfortunately, is something only time will tell." Her voice was gentle. "Forcing the issue, as I'm sure you're aware, will not make it any better, and could possibly make it worse. I know you are an impatient man, but please remember that patience is a virtue."
He nodded. .they had reached one of the biggest hearts of the matter. . .he shifted a bit, he was still in a good amount of pain from the recent assault, and it made sitting for too long difficult.
"And if it never happens. ..no, I'm not gonna think that. ..if I do I'll just drive myself crazy and be back where I started or worse."
"Hope shines brightest when surrounded by darkness. I believe you know that as well, if not better, than I do." She smiled slightly.
He sort of tilted his head. "I heard him. ..screaming at me...after the attempt. .he was yelling about how I promised I'd never do that again. ..you see. ..just after the fall of the plate. ..he came home and found me laying on the floor with a bottle of vicodin next to me.. ." his eyes got distant a moment.
"Mr. Urar holds a lot of things inside him that he should acknowledge and release. He would be a much healthier man if he realized that," she said, tone almost reaching the point of hinting at off-handedness. "I believe you have picked up on his bad habit, as well."
He chuckled. "A little, maybe..." He knew maybe a lot, but the self-deprecating tone said he already knew that was coming.
"Perhaps more than you're willing to admit?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes, prob'ly so."
"Going back to the first suicide attempt," Dr. West said, pen poised over her notes. "I realize that it was the stress of the plate incident that was the trigger, however, no one decides to kill themselves overnight."
"We'd been apart for almost 6 months prior to that. ..I was trying to protect him. .the big boss found out about us. .." it was well known how much of a bigot the old man was.
"And prior to those six months, were you living together?"
"Yes, ma'am. ..for 3 years almost.. .we'd been exclusive for 18 months prior to that."
She did a little mental math. "And how long after you had become employed by ShinRa Company before you two were together?"
"6 months. . ..or thereabouts."
"Now, what was it that made you gravitate towards Mr. Urar? Was it because of your history with him? Because you were partnered with him?"
"A little of both, though I didn't realize he was the same guy until a couple of months after we'd been partnered...I was pretty messed both physically and mentally from almost 2 years on the street when I was first recruited."
And now, to bring up the possiblitity that... "Did you consider him... convenient?"
"No. ..I'd..wanted him from the time he saved my life when I was 12..boyhood crush maybe . .but it was how it was."
"We've dealt with Mr. Urar's shortcomings, in your eyes, now tell me about his strengths. What is it that keeps you going back to him?"
"He's always been willin' ta have my back. ..Even when he didn't know me that night, he saved my damn life, racing in like some crazy knight. ..The way he chased those kids off me...it was incredible."
Dr. West could hear the admiration in Reno's tone. "And because he saved your life, you feel you owe him... what? Your love? Your adoration? Unconditional affection?" she questioned.
"It's not so much owe in that. ..it ws mutual. ..I always wanted it to be mutual. ..and he was so damn gentle afterward. ." again, his fingers went to trace the tattooed scars.
She pointed with her pen to Reno's face. "Those are from... the encounter? The first one?"
"Yes ma'am."
Dr. West frowned, not in any negative fashion, more so in thought than anything else. After a moment, she asked, "Do you believe those to be his marking you"
"No. ..he did say they were likely to scar. .the kids who cut up my face used a broken bottle."
"But... whenever you speak of him, your fingers go to those marks." Nope, she didn't miss a beat.
"It's my very first memory of him, really. ..he saved my life, and I tattooed over them later. ..I never wanted to forget."
"Do you feel, even just a little, that in exchange for giving you your life, you're giving him your affections?" she asked. In her eyes, if that was the case, the debt was largely repaid, and Reno should discover if there was another reason he 'loved' Rude.
"Maya been once. ..but not now. ..I always felt. ..in a relationship. ..there should be a mutual thing. ..each of you willing to watch the other's backs, because it's what people who really love each other do."
"Then why did you get the scars tattooed over?"
"Like I said. ..m'first memory. .an' I knew...it was gonna be special. ..it's a constant reminder o' how we met."
"Or are they a constant reminder of what you think you owe him?" She had to make sure he wasn't with Rude just for some twisted sense of owing him.
"I paid my debt a long time ago. ..Now. ..I'm with him because I wanna be."
She glanced over her notes again. "Let's go back to when you were assaulted at the protest." She paused, looking up from her notes to look Reno in the eyes. "Why didn't you tell anyone about it at that time?"
"Partly shame. ..partly. ..I was afraid he'd blame me.. ." He looked down at his hands again.
"Why would he blame you?"
He looked up at her. "Becausea what I used ta do, I think. ..again. ..I thought. . .maybe I'd asked for it. .by bein' a little too public about it. .. a little too prouda Rude bein' mine, even if he was a guy. ..ya know despite the open attitudes now for the mosst part if you're too proud. .people say ya brught it on yourself." He bit his lip as he looked back down, being bi he'd taken a LOT of crap from a LOT of people over the course of his life, mostly because he felt it shouldn't matter what gender the one you loved was so long as they treatd you good.
"No one ASKS to be raped, Reno."
"I've always been in your face about my own preferences. .." he shook his head. "Not asked for it that way. ..but ya know. .that maybe by bein' too much in everyone's face about what I want and not caring what anyone else thought. . .being careless. .I got m'self into the mess."
"That does not excuse their actions."
He gestured a moment, trying to find something to help her understand what he was trying to convey. . then sighed, dropping his hands. .."No. ..it doesn''t." His mind returned to the first night. ..when he'd forced himself to act completely normal. .. even pushing for the sex to keep Rude from knowing what had happened.
"Being proud of who you are is nothing to be ashamed of, Reno." She carefully put her glasses back on to read over her notes as she spoke. "With everything you've been through, who wouldn't be proud to have made it this far?
"Tell me Dad that." he pinned her with those green eyes set above bright pink-tinged cheeks he remembered the OTHER incident that had driven the molestation on his father's part, and he relates it "Dad caught me kissing my best friend. ..it was compltetly innocent. . .ya know, that exploration all kids just about to hit puberty do. .."
"How did that come about?" She questioned. She knew about basic adolescent experimentation, however she had a feeling there was something more to it than that.
"We'd gotten inta dad's liquor cabinet. ..an' Ricky an' I just ended up on the sofa an he started kissin' me. ..I discovered I liked it."
"Tell me about Ricky," she said, jotting down a few more notes.
"Ricky was Mideelian. .. mosta 'em are big boned an' tanned. .he was no exception. ..sweet as pie kid, too."
Big boned? Tan? Dr. West pierced Reno with a look then raised her eyebrow, figuring she didn't need so say a word.
"So I am sexually attracted to a particular type." he laughed a bit dryly
"And were you punished more for getting into something you weren't supposed to or for experimenting with your friend, which I might add, both of you were quite under aged?"
"He specifically stated 'I will not have a fag for a son' before. ..he did."
"I see." She paused. "And how did you feel about that event prior to your father's discovery?"
"I was enjoying myself. ..a lot."
"And shortly after your father's discovery?"
"He picked me up by my shirt collar, kicked Ricky out, and threw me against a wall. ..I still woulda kept going if he hadn't caught us."
"And how do you feel about the incident now? Better? Worse? About the same?"
"I.." he'd honestly never thought about it. "If yer askin' if he scared me straight...no. . .in fact, it made me MORE likely ta seek out male partners just ta spite his ass."
"Could that be the reason you're so 'flamboyant', as you say?"
"Prob'ly. ..I hated the fucker. ..he was not a father, he was a fuckin' sperm donor
A tiny frown made a tiny crease on the woman's face. "Do you feel that, in a way, you are living through what you could have had with this Ricky, currently with Mr. Urar?"
"Nah. ..Ricky was a different kid altogether. .lot more open. . .Rude's much more complicated. .not that I mind tryin' ta solve puzzles."
"Moving back forward again," she said with that tiny smile of hers. Dr. West knew that the best way to get things out in the open was to let them come out as streams of consciousness, rather than having her ask simple yes or no questions. "After the incident with the protest, and after you had convinced yourself that Mr. Urar was not out to injure you, sexually or mentally, how did you feel about the rape?"
"Ashamed...and a little afraid that he'd figure it out.. Rude's one smart cookie. .. it's hard to hide things from him. ..but once I'd gotten to where I craved his touch again I realized. ..that I would probably never be able to trust anyone else to touch me again."
"And does that bother you at all? That you trust this man implicitely?"
"It only did after I found out he assaulted Josh. ..but once we'd made the breakthrough. .. and moved past it.. . he proved to me he wouldn't hurt me."
Dr. West sat back. "In your opinion, what do you think your mental state is right now: healthy, could use some work, or commit me?"
"Use some work. ..but if you tried ta commit me, I'd likely fight ya tooth n' nail. ..those places, despite what I told Rude, scare the bejeebers outta me. I was in one once for tryin' ta hang myself with my own sheets while I was still onea the bastard's pets...I do not EVER wanna be in one again."
"You have a history of suicide attempts?"
"If you knew what that place was like. ..I'm not the first one ta try ta off themselves ta escape that torture."
"However, this history continues to after your leaving Corneo's presence. Why is that?"
He shrugged. ..he truly didn't know. .."It's like. . .when the stress builds up enough. ..it hits the boiling point and when that happens I act on impulse. ..and my impulses usually lead me ta do some really dumb shit"
"Do you place so little value on your life?"
"What's the life of an ex-whore and murderer for hire worth, really? Only a few people in this world really seem to think I have much at all. .. to the people who used to live in Midgar I'm the 'butcher of sector 7' . To Rufus, I'm begining to think I'm just another tool to be used in his effort to rebuild. ...to Cloud I'm annoyance. ... Rude, Elena, Tseng and Rennan seem to be the only ones to see me as more...and Rude I'm not even sure of how he sees me at the moment."
"Your life is worth what you make it worth. There are people out there far worse off than you who aren't contemplating suicide when things get rough."
"In my opinion it's doing the world a favor." the comment was so dry and off hand it had to make someone wonder when things had gotten this bad...and she would be able to tell he'd shut down. ..and that the subject of his three suicide attempts was not up for discussion as yet.
Seeing she'd hit a brick wall on that route, Dr. West sat back. "Is there anything in particular YOU would like to talk about?"
He blinked...just for a moment..he'd had the television on and they'd been showing a movie about the war in Wutai and had closeupped on a sniper. ..with the showing of the rifle, he slammed his eyes shut, shuddering a moment.
"Reno?" Dr. West asked. She'd seen it, that terror. She had to get it out of him while it was fresh in his mind.
He relayed to her the night, less than a week before. ..the way they'd used the rifle to violate him. ..then feeling so damn alone yes, he'd picked up on Rude's feelings even while only partially with it. ..he took a shuddering breath while relaying how he'd FELT himself crash right before his mind had blanked out completely. ..then wrapped his arms around himself, crossing them in front of his chest.
"Don't bury the feelings, Reno," she said, reaching out for his hand. "Acknowledge them, but don't give them power."
He dropped his arms.. .the flashback finally letting go. ..was it any wonder now really he felt as he did, with so much buried trauma?
"Give names to your feelings, Reno."
"Terror. ..alone. ...cold. .. pain. ."
"Okay, alone," she said, sitting up straighter and even leaning forward a little. "What is making you feel alone?"
"He left me. ..not physically. ..so much as. ..emotionally distancing himself. .."
"Why do you think he was distancing himself?"
"I could feel the tightness in his muscles. ..I've learned to read his body language. ..he tightens up when he's angry and wants to distance himself from others."
"That was 'how', Reno. I'm looking for 'why."
"Because of how he said. ..it didn't have to happen...I was..." and he closed his eyes. "careless."
"Do you feel he was angry with you, or with the situation"
"Maybe. ..a little of both .. "
"Why would he be angry with you?" she asked. "Then, why would he be angry with the situation? And which do you think was more the cause?"
He relates how he'd been pushing due to the events with Josh. .."An' I think. ..he remembered somethin' and it really disturbed him. ...I think he remembered when I got these..."
"If the events disturbed him that much, I don't think you need to worry about being alone," she said with that tiny smile.
"I hope you're right. .." He smiled, jut the tiniest bit, though he still trembled, everything was raw, close to the surface.
"All right. Now, let's move on to terror. Why do you feel terror?"
"Those people. ..owned me. ..loss of self. ..loss of freedom. .. "
"Loss of self... when during the incident did you feel that loss of your sense of self?"
"When they tore off my jeans and found the mark they'd put on me. ..and said they owneed me. ..this was AFTER they'd sold me to that monster. ..they still think they own me."
"Forgive me. I'm a little confused." Dr. West was trying frantically to get the whole timeline straight. "When did that group 'own' you?"
"When I got these. . ." he gestured to his face. "I was running with the Red Barons. ..Krastof's gang. .. .he marks his new recruits with this barcode brand on their tailbone. .. .he collects street kids. ..he calls them his property. .."
"And you were one of those he happened to pick up?"
He nodded. "Right after I ran away from the wutain bastard who made me feel like dirt that the government stuck me with."
"And when you were assaulted... It brought you back to when you were with them as a child?"
He nodded..."They'd rape the kids to keep them in line. ..an'. ..I watched 'em murder an 11 year old kid. ..same damn rifle. ..he shot the kid from his ass. ..the kid's guts hit the wall. ..and there was so damn much blood. ..."
"Let it out," she said quietly. They were on the verge of a break through, she could feel it.
"When he did that. ..I thought. ..I thought he as just gonna off me. ..right there. . .I thought about what would happen ta my son. ..they wanted him, too. ..an' how if I was killed. ..they'd get my son an' do him like they did me. .. "
"And this, I believe, is the heart of the matter." Dr. West gently squeezed Reno's hand slightly. "You feared not only your own safety, but the safety of your child. And you don't feel Mr. Urar did enough to protect either of you. Am I correct?"
He nodded. ..his eyes tearing a bit...he'd been. ..absolutely mind-blowingly terrified.
"I believe THAT is something you will need to share with him... after, of course, you share the details of your assault by the protesters"
"Yeah. . ." He was trembling. ..he'd never been so terrfied in his entire life. .."I'm gettin' tired. ..thank you. ..for at least tryin'.. I know I'm pretty fucked up. ." he looked up to see the one he needed to talk to standing there. .."Aibou. ...we need ta talk."
"Only as fucked up as you want to be," Dr. West said with a smile. She turned, that smile going to Rude. "And you, Mr. Urar, I would like to see you at some point before Mr. Tarshil is released. I believe we have some things to discuss." With a nod to each of them, the woman was gone.
"What do we need to talk about?" Rude asked, his tone showing none of the apprehension his body bare did.
He told him. .everything that had happened at the protest. .all of it. ..his voice shaking as he did. .
Rude listened, his shoulders never losing their tension, but not gaining any through the whole story. Once Reno was done, he spoke, voice quiet. "Why didn't you tell me before?"