Rogue: You know in medical shows how a character always gets a revelation from a patient going through something similiar? Prepare for use of that dynamic here, though I'm not sure Meredith's realization can be considered a revelation. It all just seems to make her more confused. Anyway, this is named after an ACDC song, and I'm sure I used the words 'screwed up' multiple times within the chapter.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. My mother did, however, buy me lavender scented shampoo and conditioner. The entire day I was going around telling everyone I smelled like Meredith. They all thought I was a little high on something. Someone suggested Morphine...Anyway...

Normally by this point of a very bad day Meredith Grey would be passed out at the bar. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have the will or interest to go and drink her pain away. In fact, Meredith had spent the better part of the night since getting off work sitting in the bathtub with the shower door slid closed. Whenever someone would enter to pee, she tensed up, and stopped her crying. The last thing she needed was George staring at her while taking a piss or Izzie asking her one more time if she wanted a damn cookie. When were they going to figure out that chocolate was not the answer to all prayers?

The phone was sitting on the sink just in case someone bothered calling. So far she'd gotten a telemarketer and, much to her surprise, Alex. Alex Karev had attempted to make her feel better by telling her that both Shepherd and Sloan were assholes, and she deserved better. At the end of the conversation, in which she stared blankly at the phone in awe that Alex had bothered to call, he asked her if she wanted some pity sex. It was then that Meredith had hung up the phone, convinced that she would never tell Cristina or Izzie anything ever again. If it was only going to get around to Alex Karev, she'd just lay in George's bed at night and drawl on about her problems.

Or maybe she'd just take a real vow of celibacy. Or become a lesbian. There were some very hot women at Seattle Grace. She could get some good action in that department. But amidst all of these thoughts Meredith's mind saw fit to zero in on two particular people: Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan. She still didn't know which one she would have picked had she had the choice. Maybe this was God's way of punishing her for sleeping with two guys at once. Or maybe this was God's way of saying that her life was just going to be hell for eighty more years. It just seemed to get better and better.

She was currently sitting in the bathtub, stomach growling in irritation that it hadn't been fed all day. Day old coffee was still brewing in her stomach. Meredith had a craving for tequila but she wouldn't touch the stuff. Despite the fact that she felt like shit and that she actually had the day off tomorrow, she was not going to get drunk over a man again. The last time she had tried that hadn't turned out so well. Instead Meredith crawled to the door and gently pushed it open. It was dark outside in the hallway; it was just passed eleven o'clock.

But there were voices coming from the den. There was a bluish glow coming from the television, but it seemed to be set on mute. "You think she's gonna be okay, Izzie?" George. He'd already been in the bathroom at least a dozen times today offering her anything from alcohol to a chic flick marathon. She'd refused them all and left George depressed and disappointed. Meredith thought about slipping into the kitchen while she was unnoticed but it was just too good to pass up listening to them talk about her.

"She will," Izzie answered between crunches. Meredith supposed they were eating part of the mound of baked goods they'd cooked up over the evening. "It'll take some time but she'll move on. Guys break up with you. It's life." Izzie paused and George sighed heavily. "Boys are really stupid. Sometimes I wonder why we don't all just fly off to an island and become a lesbian tribe." Meredith rolled her eyes lightly. George was laughing now.

Satisfied that she hadn't completely ruined her roommates' day she tiptoed into the kitchen and stole a carton of Ben and Jerry's from the freezer. It was strawberry, her favorite. Those two, she thought letting her gaze drift to the doorway. They went out to the store just to buy her strawberry ice cream. Meredith opened the fridge. And tequila. Snatching the bottle against her vow, she headed back to the bathroom. "Mere?" So close.

She cleared her throat loudly, pushing away the sound of crying. She knew they could both hear her crying from the bathroom all day but she at least had to make it look like she was feeling better or else they might call in a therapist or something. And according to Izzie therapists did not help coping mechanisms in the least. Meredith spoke, though her voice seemed far away, and raspy from lack of use. "I'm fine..."

"No, you're not," Izzie replied in a dry tone. "That's just what people say. It's just what you say to make people stop caring about you." Meredith was leaning against the wall for support again. Even though she knew Izzie and George were there for her if she needed them, even though she knew they wanted her to come to them, it just wasn't the same as having a man, a guy who loves you, to hold you in their arms and tell you everything's going to be all right. "But here's the thing, Meredith. We're not just the people you work with. We're your friends. That means we know when you're lying. And you're lying now."

Meredith knew she was lying. She wanted nothing more then to crawl into her bed and hide for twelve months. Of course, that would do wonders for her reputation, but at this point did it really matter? She was already an alone, adulterous whore, with no one but Ben and Jerry to love right now. "Meredith," George murmured in his kicked puppy voice. Dammit she had a soft spot for his kicked puppy voice. "Please just talk to us. Maybe we can help. Or at least help you share that ice cream..."

"You don't even like strawberry ice cream," Meredith mumbled as she slowly dragged herself into the den. She nearly collapsed onto the couch between George and Izzie. "You only bought it because it's my favorite." Meredith yanked the lid off the ice cream and plunged a spoon she had found wedged between the couch cushions into it. Swallowing a mouthful whole seemed to comfort her somewhat, because her expression calmed. The permanent frown turned into a painful grimace.

"Brain freeze," Izzie muttered seizing the bottle of tequila and taking a large gulp. She passed it to George and cleared her throat. "Okay, Mere, listen. You're not the only screwed up one here. Remember me, the pretty little model who fell in love with a patient and then cut his LVAD wire?" Meredith turned her head in Izzie's direction. She heard George's slow intake of breath beside her. "And how the guy I loved is gone now and how I have to go to counseling sessions five days a week?" She snatched the tequila and took another long drawl. "I'm not exactly normal. I'm screwed up, too. Maybe even more screwed up with you. You never know." Izzie shoved the bottle into George's hands. He gave her a bemused look and she simply glared at him. George took a slow sip before wiping his mouth with a sleeve.

"And remember me? I can't even tell the girl I care about I love her because I'm afraid of being hurt again and not meaning it. I can't even have a normal relationship without something going wrong. Plus, I kicked her out of my house. And I'm not sure she really likes you guys. I'm pretty sure she thinks I spend too much time with half-naked roommates." George paused, stealing the spoon from Meredith and shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. Swallowing hard he went on. "And," he shook his head to fight off the brain freeze, "My dad has cancer. Callie spelt with Sloan. I'm screwed up, too."

"We're all screwed up," Izzie muttered as Meredith pushed the ice cream away. Even Ben and Jerry weren't helping right now. The tequila was somewhat consoling, but by morning she'd be regretting that, too. "It's pretty much a general rule of life. If you're not totally screwed up, you're hiding something." Meredith snickered quietly. George and Izzie exchanged glances.

"Yeah, like Derek." The two waited with bated breath, unsure of how to respond to that. "He seemed so perfect. Until I found out he was married." Meredith took another swig of tequila. She had to admit sitting on a couch after a long day on the bathroom floor definitely felt better. She wasn't over the entire starting out with two men in the morning and ending up with none by nightfall thing. She was just pretty sure her tear ducts had dried up. "We're all screwed up," Meredith repeated between a yawn.

"Yeah," George murmured. "But at least we can be screwed up together." Meredith took comfort in the fact that while she wasn't in her lover's arms right now she had people that cared about her and Derek was probably alone in his trailer. Of course this brought images of Mark who was most likely with Addison and most likely doing some very nasty things. This put disturbing images in Meredith's head and she groaned aloud, obviously annoyed.

"I can't cry anymore," she stated to the quiet room. "I'm sad but I can't cry anymore. It's like I'm empty inside. I don't like that feeling." Meredith felt Izzie drape an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer. Meredith didn't fight it. Even if she wanted to she was far too tired to resist. She rested her head on Izzie's shoulder and sighed heavily. "When does the empty feeling go away?"

Izzie echoed her sigh. "I'll let you know when I feel full again." George looked lost. Unlike the two of them, he hadn't lost anyone he truly cared about, not really. He suddenly felt very lucky for himself, but his friends looked very sad right now. He pulled at a blanket and lay it atop the three of them and grabbed the remote. He turned on the TV, flipping through the channels before settling on some movie about a group of girls planning to kill a guy who had cheated on them. Somehow, this seemed appropriate.

"You guys okay?" He asked moments later. Meredith was fast asleep. Izzie put a finger to her lips.

"She's fine. Just all screwed up."

GA

The hospital was huge. It would be fairly simple to avoid Derek and Mark in a place that big, right? Normally, yes. But when you had a Resident, who seemed more interested in patients getting treated then the preferences of her interns, you ended up assigned to the exact person you didn't want to see. Or in this case persons. The one time Mark and Derek are assigned to the same case and they decide to agree to disagree, except on the issue of Meredith. Apparently they both wanted to talk or whatever. Meredith wanted nothing to do with either of them about now.

She was begging Izzie to come with her, but apparently she had yet another therapy session scheduled. Cristina was with Burke. George was with Webber. Alex was with The Ruler of All Things Evil. Everything appeared normal. But really, everything was all screwed up. The Shepherds' marriage was about to end, Mark was sleeping with Addison, and for the first time since the beginning of her internship Meredith Grey was not sleeping with an Attending. It must have been the apocalypse. Either she needed to make up with one of her previous men (not likely considering the circumstances) or she was going to make true to her vow and convert to being a lesbian. Maybe then she'd hook up with Addison. Then the entire love square would be complete, aside from Mark and Derek, which unless this really was the end of the world was not happening anytime soon.

As she entered the patient's room, she noted that neither of her bosses was there. Relief must've shown on her face because the patient, a young woman, smiled back at her. "Glad to see me this morning? I'm just lucky none of those sexy men came in here again. I might end up fainting again." Meredith couldn't help but grin lightly at this. Half the patients that came in and out of this place liked McDreamy. The other half had a thing for Mark.

"Good morning, Mrs. Lewis." She picked up the chart and read through it quickly, brow furrowing slightly. "You're coming in to have your spine straightened..." Mrs. Lewis's spine did look oddly curved. She suspected if she was to stand she would have an extremely hunched back. Meredith paused, frowning as she read through the last line. "And then...?"

"Then I'm having a breast reduction, yes." Mrs. Lewis seemed quite cheerful for someone who was just about to undergo a major surgery. "You think I'm crazy, don't you?" Meredith shook her head. She was obviously lying. The patient simply chuckled to herself, a smirk sliding onto her lips. "I've lived my entire life being uneven. My husband loved me no matter what. But I want to fix myself for him. I love him and when you love someone that much you want what they want." She paused, looking thoughtful. "I know he wants me to look normal even if he doesn't say so. I want what he wants. That's what love is, wanting the same things." Meredith must have been staring. "The breast reduction is actually more for me. They kind of droop because I'm always hunched over...I'd love to be able to wear a B cup..."

Meredith shook her head slowly before setting the chart down. "Where is your husband exactly?" She would really like to meet this guy. He obviously loved his wife and he seemed like just the kind of man to prove to Meredith that there were decent men left in the world today. Mrs. Lewis chuckled.

"He's not here. He doesn't know I'm doing this. It's a surprise." The patient inhaled deeply, a far off look in her eyes. "I don't want him to be here. Just in case..." Meredith bit the inside of her lip slightly. She could just tell that this woman, who she knew was younger then she was, had found love. She could just see it in her eyes. And quite frankly there was a question burning to be answered. Meredith just didn't know if she should ask it. It was personal, and the last time she'd asked the question, though she couldn't remember it clearly, she had gotten a very straightforward answer. Meredith wasn't sure if she could handle straight answers right now. She needed someone to lie to her and tell her she'd be fine.

But she wasn't fine. And she did need the answer to this question. "How do you know?" Meredith inhaled sharply. "How can you tell?" Mrs. Lewis looked puzzled, staring at the IV in her arm.

"Excuse me?" She paused laughing as she shook the arm with the fluid flowing into it. "Either these drugs are really getting to me or I have no idea what you're talking about." Meredith closed her eyes before leaning back against the wall.

"How do you know..." She paused, rethinking her question and letting her eyes snap open. "How can you tell...When the right person comes around, do you know?" Mrs. Lewis titled her head slightly to the side. Meredith edged toward the door. This was a personal question, too personal for a patient. She should just ask one of her friend. Oh, right, none of her friends were in love. She thought Izzie was once. But given the circumstances, Izzie might not be the prime candidate for talking love. "Sorry," Meredith whispered as she exited the room, mentally scolding herself for thinking to ask a patient something like that. She was a surgeon. She was supposed to be professional.

"Doctor Grey." She turned around, backtracking into Mrs. Lewis's room. She poked her head in cautiously. "You don't." Meredith felt her eyebrows furrow. "You don't really know you're in love when it starts. It evolves, kind of like how anger gets stronger. That's how love is. But there are some signs of being in love with someone..." Meredith inched back into the room, curious. "There are three that I know of."

"Denial."

She'd done that.

"Jealousy."

She'd felt that.

"Hate."

She was in the process of doing that. Wait. To love someone you had to hate them? "Hate?" Meredith muttered rubbing her temples slightly. "You hated your husband?"

"Before I knew he was going to be my husband, yes. He made me hurt, Doctor Grey. I hated him." Mrs. Lewis looked thoughtful. "Or I thought I hated him. Maybe it was just a way to hide the fact that I loved him." Meredith leaned against the doorframe, thoughts processing in her mind a mile a minute. Her heart had sped up, probably because she was just trying to piece the puzzle of her emotions together. She shouldn't have asked a patient. She didn't need to know the answer. Now she wanted to figure out if she'd ever loved before, if she'd ever love again. "But the biggest sign is that when he hurt I hurt. If you hurt after you hurt him, you care about him."

She'd done that, various times came to mind. "And how do you know if he loves you back?"

Mrs. Lewis gave a wry smile. "You ask and hope to God he says he feels the same way about you." Meredith looked thoughtful for a moment before pushing off from the doorway; someone was trying to get into the room. She stepped aside to let the doctor enter, slightly startled when she made eye contact with Derek. It had been two days, but still it was the first time she'd seen him, and he her. He looked like he hadn't been getting enough sleep, and she wondered if that frown was permanent. She also wondered why her heart felt like it was going to explode from beating so fast.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lewis. I'll be back to check on you later." The patient stared from the intern to Doctor Shepherd and back again.

"No problem, Doctor Grey."

Meredith sidestepped Derek and left the room, calling back, "You can call me Meredith!"

She was racing down the hallway now. She needed to find Cristina, or Izzie, or George for all she cared. Meredith needed to find someone to drag into the bathroom and tell about the indicators of love and the big one. She needed to talk to someone, spill the excess of thought in her mind to anyone just so it was off of her chest and out of her head. She needed someone's opinion, and she wouldn't trust just anyone with that burden. She would trust those three, and to a point she'd trust Alex. But she was fairly certain that all Alex would say was that he'd never been in love and wouldn't know anything about it. Besides, she didn't think he'd be as willing as George to duck into the women's bathroom.

Meredith had been on a beeline toward the nurse's station. Then someone stepped into view, heading in her direction. Her heartbeat sped up considerably as Mark neared her. Eyes darting about wildly she slid into the nearest room and locked the door. Meredith could've sworn she heard Mark's breathing outside, like he was leaning against the door and trying to get her to come out. Or maybe she was just hearing the breathing of the only other person in the on-call room.

"Doctor Grey."

"...Doctor Montgomery. Shepherd. Montgomery. Addison." God, that woman really needed to settle on a permanent name.