Rogue: I believe in a previous chapter Derek mentioned something about Meredith and Addison being alike in so many ways. I think it'd be great if they eneded up being friends. Anyway, next chapter, named after an R.E.M. song.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. If I did I would totally know what Shonda was talking about during Oprah today.

"Montgomery," Addison agreed, voice holding a twinge of regret. Or maybe Meredith was imagining that. It wouldn't be the first time. She stared blankly at Doctor Montgomery-Shep- let's just stick with Addison. Meredith hovered at the door for a moment before moving to turn the knob and leave; the last time she'd walked in on Addison in the on-call room (she hadn't technically 'walked' in but she'd heard them) she'd been with Derek. This was the same on-call room. She wagered it was pretty awkward for Addison to sit on the bed staring at her soon-to-be-ex-husband's ex-dirty-mistress. Or whatever. "You don't have to go. You were probably only trying to escape the testosterone."

Sitting in a dark on-call room was not on the top of Meredith Grey's to-do list. In fact, it wasn't even on her list. But judging by the fact that she could distinctly hear Mark's voice from the other side of the door, and because that voice was soon joined by Derek, she wasn't going out there anytime soon. Not unless she wanted to get apologized to, or hit on, or punched in the jaw by a very stoic looking Addison...Montgomery. "Boys are stupid." Meredith finally caved. She slid down the wall into a seated position, chin resting on her knees. Her gaze wandered the room briefly. It was slightly disturbing to think that probably everyone in the hospital, including her mother and the chief, had probably done it in this room. Then she supposed it was a hospital and it was sterile. And yet syphilis outbreaks were common on the surgical floor.

"But we still run to them whenever the littlest thing goes wrong." Meredith groaned into her arms. Why did Addison have to choose now to be totally blunt? That was so true on so many levels. It wasn't even funny how true that was, especially in Meredith's case. Even after the two men she'd been seeing had left her she didn't want her friends or Ben and Jerry's to comfort her. What Meredith had wanted was a pair of strong arms to hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right even if it wasn't.

"Why do we do that?" Meredith wondered, causing Addison to give a low chuckle. The intern shot her companion a quizzical look. What about this insane love square was at all comical, besides the fact that here the two women were hiding from the two men who were having a conversation, most likely about them, outside the door?

"Estrogen," Addison answered dully. " Estrogen makes us want guys. Testosterone makes them sex-crazed. Hormones are just there to make our lives hell, unless of course you happen to marry a guy who you love and end up spending the rest of your life with." She paused, allowing herself to bask in the complete hell that was her life for a brief moment. That left Meredith to thinking, which considering the issue of her thoughts running wild lately was not necessarily a good thing. As she sat on the floor looking up at Addison, she felt a pang of guilt. Addison had loved Derek. She had definitely loved Derek and she, Meredith, was partially responsible for the marriage falling through. She wasn't the sole cause, Mark was part of it even more so now, but she was part of the reason. She was an adulterous whore, a dirty mistress, the slutty intern.

None of that really seemed to bother her until right now. Sure, it bothered her that Derek was married and it bothered her that he had chosen Addison but her own actions, the fact that she'd taken part in completely ruining two lives, was just hitting her now. Watching Addison fussing with her ring finger, which she noticed was naked for the first time since she could remember, Meredith felt guilty. Addison might have looked fine on the outside while she was attending to patients but according to inside sources, namely her gossip-hungry fellow interns, she knew very well that Doctor Montgomery took to hiding in random corners of the hospital and crying her eyes out.

That was exactly what Meredith had been planning on doing right now. If Addison wasn't in this room, glaring at the ceiling, she would be sobbing. Actually, lately, Meredith had been doing a lot of crying. But that was healthy, right? Making yourself cry wasn't a sign of weakness. Pain was weakness leaving the body. Crying was a way of getting rid of pain. She was trying to fix herself, here. And then she had to go and ask a patient what love was. And now she was completely confused again.

"I didn't know," Meredith blurted. She really needed to learn to control her thoughts from coming out of her mouth. Addison turned her head slightly in her direction.

"Didn't know what?"

Meredith flinched slightly. Addison didn't sound particularly friendly right now. Then again she was going through a divorce. She wouldn't be normal again until after this went through, probably until after Derek left for New York. Meredith's throat clenched at the prospect. Derek was not going to New York. "I didn't know he was married."

"Oh, God, Grey." Addison sounded exasperated. She'd been sprawled out on her back, trying to burn a hole in the wall with her gaze. When she turned to Meredith, swinging her legs over the bed and staring her down, it was all too obvious the toll divorce had taken on Addison Montgomery. There were deep bags under her eyes and her face seemed permanently stained from tear tracks. When she spoke her voice seemed rough and unused, and yet she still managed to find an ounce of compassion to share with this intern. "Meredith, can I call you Meredith?"

She blinked. It was kind of weird, she supposed, to walk around calling each other Doctors Grey and Montgomery when they shared so much in common, including past lovers. "Yeah."

"Meredith," Addison continued, rubbing her temples slowly, "I don't blame you for what happened, okay? Stop thinking I hate you because guess what? I don't. I do not hate you." Meredith blinked. That was news to her. A while back she had been friends with Addison by marriage. Since then, things had just seemed to spiral downhill. "It's not your fault Derek did what he did. I don't even blame Derek for what he did." Addison then did something that to Meredith seemed very strange. She laughed. In between twisting her empty ring finger Addison laughed. "I blame me. And Mark probably shouldn't have agreed to anything. But I blame me for what happened. I blame me for breaking and for sleeping with Mark. I blame me for Derek leaving. Hell, I blame me for your and Derek's relationship not working out."

Meredith inhaled deeply. Throughout this entire conversation she had been staring anywhere but at Addison. Inside she was feeling very dark and twisty. Inside she felt very guilty for ever hating Addison. Because really, even though if Addison had never existed, her problems would be few and far between, Addison and Meredith were very alike. Too alike, really. "And Meredith?" She looked up. "I'm sorry that it's not working out between you and Derek." Maybe not so alike. Meredith didn't think she'd ever be able to admit something like that.

"I'm sorry for sleeping with your, uh, Mark." Meredith bit her lip. Addison gave a dull chuckle.

"That's Mark. He gets irritable when he goes without sex for too long." An awkward sort of silence fell over the two of them. Meredith looked up just when Addison rolled back to stare at the ceiling. Meredith sighed slightly, massaging her forehead with her fingers.

"Could I ask you something?" Addison turned her head slightly. "It's kind of personal..."

"You can ask. I can't guarantee I'll answer."

Meredith took a deep breath. Suddenly her entwined fingers seemed very interesting. "When did you know, really know that you loved Derek?" She could've sworn she felt the air become thicker. Maybe this wasn't exactly the best question to be asking your newly gained...friend...when the man you loved was quite possibly the same man that said friend just got over. "I just...I need to know. Need to know what love feels like."

"Love is a really complicated thing, Meredith," Addison replied slowly. The intern had resolved herself never to ask love-related questions to inappropriate people again. This was starting to get ridiculous. "It's a very strange emotion. You don't really feel the whole thing until something big happens, when your guy proposes to you or tells you he loves you for the first time. But you feel bits and pieces of it every day." Meredith sighed slightly. She didn't really feel very loveable right now. She felt kind of like a broken bobble head.

"The way your heart speeds up when he passes you in the hallway..."

Check.

"The way your throat clenches whenever he's mentioned in conversation..."

Check.

"The way you're really overprotective of his reputation."

Check.

"Or the way you shiver whenever he says your name (Check). They're all signs of love. You just have to be a smart enough person to realize that before it's too late." Addison sighed. Meredith felt herself echo the same sigh seconds later. "Did that help? I'm not the best with love advice. But you wouldn't remember that, anyway..."

"It helped. A lot." Meredith's forehead wrinkled. "Remember what?" Addison was saved the trouble of reliving the Meredith-high-on-morphine conversation by the ringing of a pager. She groaned, but gave a sort of relieved sigh when she found it was Meredith's. "I gotta go. Your ex...Doctors Shepherd and Sloan are ready for surgery. Apparently I'm the referee."

Addison gave a light grin. "Have fun with that. Just don't let them talk you into anything naughty..."

GA

Meredith was moving in slow motion. The surgery had been long. Six hours in and a clot in Mrs. Lewis's back decided to rupture. All she could remember was a lot of blood, some yelling, and then having to make an emergency run to the blood bank. But by the time she'd retrieved two bags of AB- it was too late. They'd lost Mrs. Lewis during the spinal surgery. Doctor Sloan didn't even have the chance to operate. And from what Meredith could gather from the chattering scrub nurses who were clearing away the equipment, Mr. Lewis was out in the waiting room. Apparently someone decided to let the cat out of the bag on the little surprise. Meredith's throat clenched. And now there was no surprise. What was worse, a man had lost the woman he loved.

"So are you going to tell him?" She muttered, staring steadily at the water as it flowed into the sink. Derek was standing next to her. It was the first civilized conversation they'd had since, well, you know. He looked tired, Meredith noted again. He nodded vaguely.

"Yeah, I'll talk to him." He moved to leave the room. Meredith hurriedly turned the faucet off and edged toward him. Derek looked slightly startled when she slid in front of the door, blocking his exit. "What are you doing, Meredith?" He sounded exasperated, tired. Derek never seemed tired during work before.

"I'm trying to realize something before it's too late," she stated softly, moving forward to place a hand on his chest. Meredith leaned forward, pressing her lips to his gently, softly, as if asking him to respond if he was feeling anything. For a moment there was nothing, and she pulled away feeling more then slightly embarrassed. "Um, if you're going to talk to Mr. Lewis, I'd like to-" She was cut off by Derek's fierce kiss, literally cutting off the oxygen to her lungs before she had the sense to open her nose and breathe. He pulled back, and Meredith half expected to see his eyes retain their usual young glow but if anything Derek looked hungry.

"Derek- what is this?" He lunged forward, pushing her body against the wall and kissing her again. Meredith kissed back, wrapping her arms around his neck. He was tracing circles on her back. She had a hand entangled in his hair. "What are we doing here?"

"Not talking to the patient's family, that's for sure." The two broke apart almost instantly. That voice was very familiar. That voice belonged to Doctor Sloan. Mark eyed Meredith for a brief moment before turning his gaze to Derek and nodding slowly. "I think it'd be best if he heard the news from the neurosurgeon. That'd be you." Derek shuffled out of the room with a sort of bemused grin upon his face. Meredith hovered near the wall messing with her hair. This certainly was awkward. "Didn't know you forgave so easily, Grey." Mark studied her for a moment before shrugging lightly. "Mr. Lewis also said he'd like to thank the young lady who talked to his wife before surgery. Apparently you convinced her to tell him about the 'surprise' after all." Meredith's heart sank. She was the reason Mrs. Lewis talked to her husband? That made her feel oddly happy and guilty at the same time.

"I have to talk to him," Meredith muttered under her breath. She left the scrub room without another word, leaving a slightly bewildered Mark behind her. She walked briskly down the hallway, desperately wishing she could catch up with Derek before he gave Mr. Lewis the news. No dice. Derek had at least two minutes gain on her. Once she reached the waiting room Meredith gave it a quick scan. She didn't even see Derek, but her gaze landed on a guy who looked roughly like he was in between sophomore and junior year in college. That was him, Meredith knew. He didn't look sad or depressed. He looked anxious. Meredith cast a glance about. Where the hell was Derek?

Ignoring her better judgement, Meredith hurried across the room and slid into an empty seat alongside the prospective Mr. Lewis. "Are you waiting for surgery results?" She heard her voice as if from far away. He nodded, giving a light smile.

"Are you Meredith? My wife told me you were the one who made her see that love didn't have secrets." Mr. Lewis paused giving a low chuckle. "I don't know what you said to her, but she really likes you. I'd like it if you monitored her when I'm not around. I have school, you know, and can't be here the whole time she recovers, but I'll be here as much as I can. Can I see her now?" Meredith must have been avoiding his gaze. He remained silent for a moment before she looked up, a frown etched on her face. "Oh, God..."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lewis...There was a complication. Your wife had a blood clot in her spine. It ruptured before we could remove it." He was breathing heavily. He buried his face in his hands. Meredith rubbed her temples lightly. "Doctor Shepherd did everything he could. She just lost too much blood." He was crying softly into his knees. Meredith choked back her own tears. She was too emotional at the moment already. She didn't need to cry about a patient. She shouldn't have gotten involved at all. She should've known better, especially after Denny. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Mr. Lewis looked up as Meredith stood up. If she stayed here any longer, she was sure she'd breakdown, and the last thing this man needed was for her to start crying in the middle of the waiting room. She was the doctor for God's sake! "I'm glad you were the one to tell me about my wife," he murmured softly. Meredith bit her lip. "And whatever you're struggling with, your love issues, I'm sure you'll work it out. My wife was always a good judge of character..." Meredith nodded blindly and turned around. She needed to get out of here. She needed to go somewhere and be alone.

That's what she needed. What she wanted to do was find Derek. Wasn't it his job to tell the patients' families the news, good or bad? She was only an intern! She wasn't supposed to have to take charge of his cases! And she certainly wasn't supposed to be left alone to tell the news especially when he'd just said he was going to tell Mr. Lewis that his wife had just died. Where was Derek anyway? She knew. He was in that damn longue, probably getting a cup of coffee before going down to give the news. Derek Shepherd and his coffee. She rolled her eyes lightly before taking the stairs two at a time and arriving panting slightly outside of the longue.

Meredith pushed the door open a little harder then she would've liked. "Derek?" She called dully, stepping inside. Sure enough there he was, sipping from a steaming cup of coffee. "What the hell are you doing? You said you were going to talk to Mr. Lewis!" Derek set his cup down and held his hands up in a retreating gesture.

"Easy, Meredith. I was just going to head down there now." He cocked his head slightly to the side. Meredith was blinking back tears. The last few days had not been easy on Meredith Grey. The death of a patient certainly didn't ease the pain and stress. "Hey, you okay?" Oh, yeah, she was fine. She was just crying for no reason.

"I just had to tell a twenty-one year old that his wife died," Meredith managed, voice shaking slightly. "I just had to tell a man the woman he loved is dead. No, Derek, I'm not okay. That's not my job. My job is to learn from you. And I don't think after a patient dies you're supposed to make a coffee run. You're a bad influence, Derek, you know that?" He stared at her. She stared back. Why was he looking at her like she'd cussed him out? She hadn't even sworn at him. Had she?

"Are you implying something?" Meredith was confused. She had been talking about this being his job. Since when had she been implying anything? Derek shook his head slowly before picking up his cup again. "We're doctors, Meredith. Patients die every day. You can't get attached to them. It's a job just like any other. We save lives. But we can't save everyone. If you're going to be a surgeon, you need to learn how to let someone down." He headed for the door.

"No, Derek, you don't get it. Mrs. Lewis knew more about life, about love then you or I every could. She told me what I needed to know. She was in love, Derek, and now she left the man she loved alone, with no one." Derek simply stared at her.

"Like I said, we're surgeons. We can't get attached. You shouldn't make relationships with them, at least not until post-op." He took a sip of his coffee. "I'm going to see if he's still down there. You just...stay here and calm down." Calm down? Meredith did not need to calm down. What she needed was someone to tell her it was all going to be okay. What she needed was someone to hold her in their arms and tell her it was all right, and that just because one love died there were still other loves in the world. Love was still alive. Derek left. She was alone. No one was there to hold her and whisper that everything was going to be okay now.

Love certainly felt dead.