For the moment it felt good to just sit on the floor of the hospital and stare blankly at the floor. At least here it was safe. There was no threat of accidental sex or make out sessions that would end with her alone, sitting on the floor, staring at the floor. Meredith's head was full to the brim of thoughts, all pouring out in tears. When she cried it felt like the weight of her brain was relieved. So she cried. She didn't quite know why she was crying, but she cried. And it felt kind of good to cry.
Though she managed to expel the thoughts of useless things such as fortune cookies and stress balls, Meredith seemed set on autopilot somehow. Her mind could get rid of all the annoying little facts it wanted, which on a normal day would actually probably be a good thing, but it kept lingering on things such as how to tell when you were in love. Or Derek. Derek seemed to be her brain's favorite subject lately.
While on the subject of Derek, Meredith had realized one thing: she loved Derek Shepherd. Both Addison's and Mrs. Lewis's lists fit her to a tee. Though everything that had happened Meredith always had the sneaking suspicion that she wanted Derek to be The One. She'd even fantasized about how they would spend the rest of their lives together, end up in a nursing home, and maybe when they were both in the elevator at the same time push that emergency stop button. No one said you couldn't have fun after you were eighty years old, did they? She loved Derek Shepherd.
But the one question haunting her mind was, did he love her back? A week or so ago that would have been an easy question to answer. A week ago Derek was in her bathtub. A week ago they'd been taking it slow. Derek didn't do slow very well, apparently. Instead of waiting for her to be ready for happy reunion sex he went off with his soon-to-be-ex-wife and had some depressing separation sex. Or something. He was seventeen years old. They were all seventeen years old. Time stops. They were socially retarded. And as a seventeen-year-old guy Derek wanted to get as much sex as possible and, had Mark not slept with his wife, Meredith would wager Derek would've gone running off to his best friend to brag about it. That was just how men, namely the men in this hospital, were.
Meredith was pulled from her thoughts by a shrill beeping. Ripping her pager off of her waistband, she groaned outwardly. Tilting her head forward she moved into a crouched position on her heels and used her hand to steady herself. Pulling her gaze from the floor Meredith dragged herself to a standing position, and after snatching a cup of coffee exited the longue. Bailey wanted her for case files again. She was sure news of the entire 'Meredith's having a nervous breakdown' episode had already spread throughout the surgical floor. Gossip spread like wildfire around here. God, it really was just like high school.
She took her time going down the hallway, sipping her coffee casually and relishing the warm feeling that spread throughout her body. She'd been cold for a few days now and even if only for a brief moment that warmth felt good. Meredith made to push the elevator button when the doors flicked open. A stream of people trickled out and she slipped in. There was one other person in the elevator. Meredith did her best to ignore him, simply drinking her coffee and examining her shoelaces. She suspected he was supposed to get out on this floor anyway; this was where his favorite longue was, but upon seeing her he decided against coffee and for the elevator. After all, hot make out sessions in the elevator were her thing.
"Meredith," he stated, saying her name slowly, dragging it out. She looked up, at him, and then at the floor. "Would you just listen to me? Seriously." Meredith glanced up, fumbling her coffee between her hands to have something to do. In this situation if she didn't have something to do, she'd end up on the floor of this elevator naked. And even though her heart was beating at twice the rate of a normal person that was not what she wanted right now. Not really. "I'm sorry. About my insensitivity about the patient. It's just easier for me not to get attached. I've been doing this longer then you have. Sorry." God, why was he apologizing?
"Stop apologizing to me, Derek," Meredith hissed in a low tone. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him edge closer to her. Her voice normally didn't take on this kind of tone when talking to him. Derek tilted his head slightly to one side. "Stop apologizing for things you're not sorry for. I know I'm not supposed to get involved with patients. You shouldn't apologize for that." She sighed slightly, looking up and catching his gaze. "Don't apologize for doing it with Addison when you're not. You wanted it. She wanted it." Meredith bit her lip slightly. "And don't apologize for hurting me ever again. Because every time you apologize, you just turn around and hurt me again. So just. Stop. Apologizing."
"Meredith I-"
"Don't talk," she cut him off. Meredith couldn't look at him. Every time she looked at him she wanted to do something naughty in the elevator. And yeah, deep in the back of her mind she did want to do something naughty in the elevator, but before that happened some things had to be set straight. "Whenever you talk, I either end up in your pants or on the floor crying. I've done enough crying today," She sipped at her coffee casually, as if they were having a conversation about the weather. "And right now I do not want to get in your pants. I don't." She did.
"You don't," Derek agreed in a slightly bemused tone. He was on the other side of the elevator. By now they had to be near the main floor of the surgical unit. Meredith took another sip of her coffee, closing her eyes as she brought the steaming cup to her lips. Out of nowhere she felt herself drop the cup of coffee in surprise. His lips were pressed on hers. He had her backed against the wall. For a moment Derek simply continued his deep, forceful kiss. If Meredith had known better, if she wasn't a victim of love, she probably would've pushed him away.
Unfortunately, you can't exactly choose to be a victim of love. Derek pulled back, breathing slightly uneven and a question held in his eyes. His hair was falling into his face in the most adorable way, though Meredith wished she didn't think so. "Meredith," he started, though the rest of his sentence was completely muffled by her own mouth covering his. She'd thrown her weight into her assault, and managed to push him across the elevator to the other side. Now he was on the bottom, pressed against the wall. He was sure to jerk the emergency stop knob out, just in case.
His eyes widened slightly, though Derek soon eased into it, kissing back and running his hands through her hair, she with her arms around his neck. When they pulled apart, he brought one hand to her cheek and ran a finger along it, wiping away the trail of dry tears that stained her face. Meredith threw herself at him, soothed by the fact that he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head gently. Here she was, safe in a man's arms. "It'll be okay." And he'd said it. So why was she still unsure? Her head was resting on his chest, and though her rapid heartbeat was ringing in her ears she was almost certain she could hear his, slow and even. Was this just routine to him? Did he really enjoy this? Or was this just some sort of...fling?
Meredith pushed herself away slightly, still gripping his arms and looking up at him. "Derek." He was placing a string of kisses along her neck. "Derek." He was nuzzling against her neck. "Derek..." He was giving her teasing pecks on the cheek. "Derek!" He pressed his lips firmly to hers. This time Meredith didn't kiss back. She broke the bond and pushed him away, staring deep into his eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. "Listen to me, okay? This is important."
He'd brought a hand to his lips and was running his fingers over them. "Okay." He leaned back against the wall. Meredith pulled at his shirt collar, bringing his face dangerously close to his. She fought the urge to kiss him as her forehead touched Derek's. He had this sort of silly grin on his face. He probably thought she was going to attack him again.
"I have to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly."
"Okay."
Meredith inhaled deeply, eyes closing as she spoke. "Do you love me?" Silence filled the elevator. Ten seconds passed, thirty, a minute. She dropped her grip on his arms and eased back a step. A fake sort of smile was plastered on her face and as she talked, her voice sounded high-pitched and squeaky. "That's fine. I just needed to know." She moved her arm to try and yank at the emergency stop knob. If she stayed in here for any longer, she was afraid she'd end up suffocating; she was holding her breath waiting for his answer after all, and it felt like she hadn't let it out even though she did. Meredith wondered if this was what a real broken heart felt like, to know the guy you loved didn't love you back.
He grabbed her wrist and kept it away from the knob. "Meredith," Derek murmured pulling her closer to him. She resisted, even cried out for him to stop. "Shh. It'll be okay. Calm down, okay?" Now, when she'd pictured Derek holding her in his arms and telling her everything would be okay, she always imagined that it would all be okay. She never imagined it like this.
"Derek, no," she growled between hiccups. "I don't want this anymore. If you don't love me then I'm wasting my time." Meredith was talking over the wails that wanted so very much to escape her mouth. She shook them off and continued. "Because you know what, Derek? I love you. But I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back. I don't want this. I don't want it." Even as she struggled, he wouldn't let her go. He held her close and whispered in her ear.
"I don't know, Meredith. I thought I knew what love was..." Meredith gave a shrill laugh. Yeah, he thought he loved Addison, and maybe he did, but he hurt her, too. "But I don't. And I don't want to tell you something if I don't know if it's true. Can't you understand that?" She extended their arms to their full length, using them as a barrier between them.
"I understand that if you really love someone you know even when you don't." She could just feel Derek's bemused stare on her. She was staring at the ceiling, head tilted back. "All I know is that there are three signs to love. Denial, jealousy, and hate. I've denied loving you, I've bene jealous of you and Addison, and," Meredith gave another of her shrill laughs, "I've definitely hated you. I didn't know I loved you when I did, but I did love you. But apparently you don't love me."
"Meredith-"
She kept talking over him. "My heart speeds up whenever you're around. My throat clenches whenever you're mentioned in conversation. I try to defend your reputation. And I shiver every time you say my name. If you loved me, you'd know. You wouldn't have to think about it. You'd just know." Derek dropped his grip on her wrist. She pushed the emergency stop knob back in; the elevator began to move. She slid across the elevator and leaned her forehead against the wall. It felt cool to the touch, and eased the throbbing of her head. The doors zipped open and she hurriedly exited the elevator, feeling considerably lighter -and just as sad- as when she'd entered.
"Goodbye, Meredith," she'd heard him mutter as the doors closed.
"Goodbye, Derek..."
GA
As much as she hated filling out post-op forms, Meredith had to agree that had she been put on a case today she'd be considerably distracted. Even as she sat here, halfway through a box of French chocolates from the gift shop, she wasn't focused at all. She wasn't filling out the forms correctly, but it didn't really matter. Bailey always ended up having someone rewrite the post-op forms as punishment. It was just a way to keep emotionally unstable people from accidentally murdering patients. Meredith wanted girl talk. She needed girl talk. Or George. George was a good listener. But, again, she was sure everyone was busy. It was the middle of the day after all.
Turning her attention to the empty cappuccino Cristina had dropped off with her after the news of McDreamy and the adulterous whore breaking it off, Meredith groaned. She needed caffeine. She needed rejuvenated. She also had a particularly odd craving for Oreos coated in peanut-butter, but she supposed that was just a random side effect of feeling empty inside. Feeling empty made you want to fill yourself up with very strange things, all including some amount of sugar or caffeine.
She scribbled down something about a patient's father's mother's maiden name and snorted. Why did the hospital really need to know this? This only added to Meredith's suspicion that most forms, including the ones patients' families were forced to fill out, were only there to distract them and shut them up. That's what Bailey had wanted to do with Meredith today, distract her from her nonexistent love life and shut her up.
When a fresh cup of coffee slid down the desk's counter, she gratefully scooped it up and took a huge gulp, surprised that it was made just the way she liked it. When Meredith looked up to thank whoever had brought it, she was thinking probably George or Izzie since she tasted a shot of tequila in it, she nearly dropped the cup. "Mark," she stuttered lamely, setting the coffee down and hurriedly scrawling a social security number down, "What are you doing?"
He seemed somewhat subdued from his usual, sex-you-up, McSteamy look, hot grin self. Mark heaved a long sigh before leaning back against the desk, and glancing over his shoulder. "I was trying to give a girl some coffee. Is that illegal now?" He arched a brow slightly before turning his attention back to the hallway. He caught Alex Karev heading in the general direction of the pediatric unit. "Karev, you working with Montgomery?"
Alex stiffened considerably. Meredith knew he was swearing under his breath. He turned, a strange sort of grimace glued on his face. "Yeah. Why, you want me to tell her to meet you in the on-call room later?" Alex sounded particularly annoyed today. Maybe the saying about bad moods being contagious really was true. Mark gave a dull chuckle.
"Yeah, right. I just wanted to know if she was up there or-"
"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Alex murmured with a hint of amusement in his voice. He turned and headed back down the hallway just as Addison materialized out of a nearby patient's room. Mark stiffened considerably before wheeling around and draping his arms over the counter.
"Talk to me," he muttered out of the side of his mouth. Meredith looked up from her forms, a quizzical expression on her face. She let her gaze wander to Addison and she arched a brow.
"Excuse me?"
"Talk to me, Grey." Mark looked panicked. Why did Mark look panicked? And why was he avoiding Addison? They were together. This was starting to make less sense every second. When he next spoke he gave a hearty laugh before speaking loudly, so the entire floor could hear. "Yeah, those ferryboats are really annoying." Then he winked. Meredith was officially confused.
"Ferryboats?" She muttered setting her pen down and taking a large sip from her spiked coffee. "Yeah, ferryboats are really...weird. Even though Seattle's surrounded by water on three sides." Addison passed the nurses' station without a word, though her curious stare lingered on Meredith, or maybe she was staring at Mark, for a moment before she disappeared down the hallway. Mark gave a relieved laugh before stealing the coffee he had brought and taking a large gulp.
"Hey! I thought you brought that for me?"
"I did," he murmured wiping his mouth with a sleeve and sliding the cup back along the counter toward Meredith. She stared at him for a brief moment before downing the cup, much to Mark's surprise. "You really like caffeine, huh?"
"And you really like talking about Derek, which is really annoying," Meredith murmured, now focused on finishing this form. Her eyes ran back and forth along it as she filled in random questions, knowing that Mark was staring at her the entire time. This was all starting to fell very familiar. "So, what are you doing here anyway? I thought you and Addison were all made up."
"I thought you and Derek were," Mark responded easily. Meredith looked up through narrowed eyes. He stared steadily back. There was a very strange look in his eye, she noticed, something she'd seen once before. He was hurting inside and Meredith thought she knew why. She was hurting inside, too, but for a totally different reason. They weren't hurting because of that. They were hurting because of love. But not for each other. This was complicated.
"Addison left me," Mark finally blurted out. Meredith tilted her head slightly to the side. "She said I reminded her too much of what she'd lost. It sucks that love isn't always forever, huh?" She heaved a sigh before pushing her box of chocolates in his direction. He selected one and popped it into his mouth.
"Yeah. It's not really fair."
"You know, you weren't just a fling."
She studied him for a moment. "I've heard that before, yeah." Mark gave a light grin before snatching another of her chocolates. She rolled her eyes lightly, more then slightly surprised when he popped the candy into her mouth. Meredith chewed thoughtfully. What exactly was going on here?
"You know it actually hurt me to leave you in the longue." Mark paused, looking thoughtful. "It's never really hurt for me to leave a girl before. It hurt to be left, but that only happened once. I've always been kind of a fast guy. I mean, how else would I get the nickname McSteamy?" Meredith felt herself blush lightly. Why was she blushing?
"Okay, Mark." She set aside her forms and the chocolate. "What exactly are you trying to say?" Again, Meredith was reminded of the fact that her heartbeat had sped up and that there was a lump in her throat and that lump was not from the chocolate lodged in her esophagus, either.
"I think I'm trying to ask you something." Mark paused, tapping his chin lightly as if in thought. Meredith turned her attention to a particularly interesting painting behind him. She felt a sudden electric shock as Mark pressed his lips to hers. It was too quick for her to kiss back, but after he pulled away with a pouty sort of question in his eyes she stared at him.
She did not like Mark Sloan.
Denial.
"I could always beg Addison to take me back if you want." Meredith didn't want that. That stupid bubbling sensation was filling her stomach again.
Jealousy.
"You know you want some of this."
Hate.
Oh, what the hell. Maybe she was in love with Mark Sloan. She'd just have to give it a chance. Leaning forward in her chair Meredith tangled her fingers with his hair. She kissed him forcefully, and he kissed back. When she pulled back, she was wearing a sort of satisfied smirk. "This would have been so much easier if we just stayed home that day after the bar."
"Yeah..."
"Meredith?" She turned at the voice, slightly annoyed. Derek was standing at the other side of the nurses' station. At first she felt guilty, but then she remembered their latest conversation. She stood, coming around to the opposite side of the station and appearing alongside Mark.
"Derek, I did love you, but I don't anymore. I'm moving on." She slipped her hand into Mark's and tilted her head slightly to the side. "So, got any cases you need help with?" As they began to walk away, Derek stared wide-eyed after them. Addison walked by and he grabbed her arm. Wordlessly, he pointed to Mark and Meredith.
"Oh, yeah. I broke it off with Mark this afternoon." Derek's jaw dropped. "And no, I will not give you pity sex." Alex Karev appeared behind Addison and started chattering about the premature baby that was having surgery that afternoon. Addison sighed slightly before heading to the nursery. Alex hovered alongside Derek for a moment, a smug smirk upon his face.
"Guess in the end you lost, eh Doctor Shepherd?"
"Karev!"
"I'm coming!"
Mark and Meredith watched this scene unfold from the top of the stairs. She leaned forward and planted her lips to his. He kissed back, and when she pulled away the chocolate that had been in her mouth was in his. He chewed for a moment before swallowing hard. "I'm glad you're here," Meredith murmured.
Mark smiled. "You know what I always say. Us dirty mistresses gotta stick together."
Rogue: If you know me at all you knew this was going to happen eventually. For this, my friends, is my world. And in my world McSteamy trumps McDreamy. Sorry for all of you MerDer fans but hey, at least I got you to read an entire story that ended up MerMark.
You all probably realize by now that Derek is not my favorite person. He's annoying to me. So he ended up alone in the end of my story. He's going to New York. He'll be fine. Anyway, I hope you all liked my story. I ended it pretty loosely. You can all imagine what's going to happen between those two...
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of these amazing characters. I do, however, own this story, Anatomy of a Divorce. And yes, people, the divorce has finally been finalized. x3