Chapter Forty-Six: The Concept of Guilt

In every secret Elphaba had ever told anyone, there were details she'd held back, little things that felt as if they couldn't be revealed, the whole truth could never be told. But as she helped Glinda unpack, she withheld no piece of the story, no stone was left unturned. She explored everything she'd done and why more than she had bothered to examine when she'd actually done these things. Everything made a terrible, perfect sense now, and she understood herself, her motives, her hidden incentives and the truth. But that didn't make what she'd done any easier.

She had told Fiyero that he was everything to her, as much as she was to him. It had been true. But somewhere along the way, the idea had panicked her, leaving her vulnerable. Need was something that scared her, not death, or pain, or water, need. And so she had turned her back on it, denied it, hidden something Fiyero let the world see. She did not think he had been correct in his display, either. Something subtler. But she hadn't even been subtle; she'd simply been cruel and cold. She hadn't shown or admitted to it again, after her one moment of weakness. There was a difference, she realized, between being a strong person and being a cold person.

Glinda looked at her best friend, shocked by her story and her tears. Barely a year had gone by and the life Glinda had been happy her friend was living was close to a nightmare. Instead of trying to look deeper into the story, for that was Elphaba's role, and always would be, she said, "I didn't know Fiyero was that clingy."

"I don't think he meant to be," Elphaba decided. "No, he didn't. The more I pushed him away, the worse it got. It was like he thought that he could convince me to stay with him more if he showed how he needed me, when that only scared me and distanced me more. He should've known better, but it's not even been two years, he still had time to learn…"

"He still has time to learn." Glinda reassured her friend. "But you really thought you could be with another man?"

"No, I was angry, I didn't want to think. And that little girl, Drienna, I can't lose her." Elphaba shot up suddenly. "Oh, the school!" She looked towards the stairs, then outside. "I think," she said determinedly, "I'll have a servant go over and post a sign on the door that school will not begin again until fall. I need to be here with you, and hopefully, Fiyero." She left the room for no more than two minutes and was back walking briskly. "Could we, maybe, talk and everything downstairs in the sickroom? I know I sound a lot like, well, like Fiyero, when I say this, but I don't want to leave him alone for very long."

They moved downstairs and relieved Fiyero's parents from the duty of watching over him. Glinda and Elphaba spent much of their time in the room, except for the night. When it began getting late, Glinda headed to the guest room and Elphaba sat somberly at Fiyero's side. Early morning came and she needed sleep, so for a short hour she crawled again into the bed with him and attempted such. Again, she held him and whispered to him, trying to fight the guilt that rose in her throat and threatened to overcome her.

She didn't eat, though. All the day before she had avoided meals by staying in the sickroom and answering that she wasn't hungry when Fiyero's mother had offered to bring her a snack. When breakfast time came, Glinda was again sitting with Elphaba, and they had lapsed into silence. They were both well aware that if he didn't wake within thirty-six hours, he never would. Fiyero's mother looked concerned when Elphaba once again rejected food, and put extra on Glinda's plate in hopes that Elphaba would eat something.

When Fiyero's mother had left the room, Glinda offered her friend some toast, which she adamantly refused. "Elphie, you have to eat. You haven't eaten since this all started."

"Neither has he," Elphaba said solemnly. "And therefore, I will not."

"You're going to kill yourself! What if he doesn't wake up, Elphie? What then? Will you eat then?"

"What would be the point?" Elphaba retorted, "If he dies, Glinda, because of this, because of me, I'll feel as good as dead."

Glinda felt like she wanted to shake Elphaba roughly, but Elphaba looked much too weak to be shaken. "You have a life aside from Fiyero! You have friends! You can't just abandon us and kill yourself for this!"

"He did," she replied, her lips barely moving. Her hand clutched his and she kissed his fingers softly.

"What has happened to you, Elphie?" Glinda asked. "What in Oz has happened to you? You would never let one person be so important that it would lead to this."

"Not admittedly, no." Elphaba shuddered. "But I don't think I could live, not only without him, Glinda, but with the guilt that he did this because of me, also. How could I live with myself?"

"Didn't you tell me something about believing in Kumbricia? What would that religion say about all this?"

"Kumbricia doesn't condone suicide. But I don't call this suicide, at least not directly. I caused him to do this, and his death will kill me, I will not."

"But isn't that indirectly suicide?" Glinda argued, all of her intelligence spinning in her mind. "If you caused it, you caused your own death."

"Glinda, please. I don't know!" Elphaba exclaimed, dropping Fiyero's hand and standing up. "For right now, I can only concentrate on what will happen if he lives, okay? I'm trying not to consider the other part of this." Tears were running down her face again, but she didn't dry them. She deserved more than just the pain of them, much more.

Glinda took a deep breath and got up to hug her friend. "Okay."

"But… if I'm looking at it that way… what in Oz do I say when he wakes up?" Elphaba wondered, allowing only a short hug and then moving back to Fiyero's bedside.

"You tell him, Elphie. You tell him everything. You tell him what you did, but you tell him you love him, and always will, more than anything. You tell him that you wanted to die when you thought he was dying. You tell him that you never loved anyone else. You tell him the truth."

Elphaba nodded slowly. "After all, there's not much more to say to him than that, is there?"

A knock on the door made both young women jump, and a servant entered. "Mistress Elphaba?"

"Yes? Was everything fine down at the schoolhouse this morning when you checked?"

"Everything was fine, but there had been a note left under the door. I went in and got it for you, if you don't mind. I didn't read it." The young boy left a folded paper on the table near Elphaba. "I can't, after all."

"Thank you." Elphaba said softly. She wondered if, maybe, if and when things cleared up, some of the younger servants wouldn't be allowed to attend the school?

Glinda stood and grabbed the note. "Is this from our Lover Boy?"

"Glinda!" Elphaba exclaimed, "Give me that!"

"I'll read it to you." She said, holding it as far from Elphaba as possible. "If I know it all, Elphie, this can't hurt."

Elphaba didn't see the point of leaving her husband's side to scramble after Glinda for the note, so she gave in. "All right."

Glinda cleared her throat as she unfolded the note, "Ahem. It is labeled, 'Your Highness Princess Elphaba' and it says: 'I know you hate the title, but I thought it best to label it so, because I do believe some people would find it disrespectful if I just wrote on the outer part of this note "Elphaba". You seemed so insistent on continuing school for the summer and now it's cancelled. I heard that Crown Prince Fiyero could die. Intuition tells me it must have something to do with what happened earlier this week. I don't know what he's done, or what you've done, but I do hope you're all right. I apologize again. Drienna misses you, and worries, too. Please let us know what's going on. I'm sorry. Kalen.'" Glinda looked at the signature. "I thought you said his name was Kalendrio?"

"It is." Elphaba shrugged.

"So you gave him a nickname?"

"It was a friendly thing!" Elphaba protested. "I swear."

"And I thought Fiyero might've been paranoid in that letter." Glinda shook her head in disappointment.

"Glinda! I love Fiyero, not this man; I'm making this clear to you! I call him 'Kalen' like you call me 'Elphie'." She explained. "And wait… what letter?"

Glinda bit her lip. "He wrote me a little after you did, begging me to get out here as soon as I could because he thought something might be going on between you and another man at the schoolhouse. He said he trusted you, but he felt like you were pushing him away and something could happen any moment."

For a second, Elphaba was enraged that Fiyero had gone and done that, as she had been with every other desperate thing he'd done. But he'd been right, hadn't he? She looked away from Glinda and ran her hand along Fiyero's cheek. "Yero," she murmured, "I am so sorry. I never meant to…"

Glinda watched Elphaba struggle with her words, but said nothing for a long time. "This other man doesn't seem disrespectful, or anything." She said in an attempt to be comforting. "He seems to understand that you both shouldn't have done what you did and he seems to be sorry. It's like he still wants to be friends with you."

"He's a good man. I gave him all the wrong signs." Elphaba said. "And he needed someone. I took advantage of that to get back at Fiyero for something so trivial." She squeezed Fiyero's hand. "I am the stupidest, most insane woman on the face of this earth, to resent Fiyero for loving me."

"You felt crushed. Maybe he was too close."

"Maybe," Elphaba acknowledged, "but maybe I was too far."

Glinda decided suddenly, "I think it was both."