AN: Haha! I am doing a random Idina Menzel song quote! I'm not the only one whose done this, though, am I? Coughs Anyway, yeah, but I'm not hiding random lines of random songs in my story, I'm just using the quote to introduce my chapter like an author would. It would be more fun to do it the other way, but I'm lazy. And when you read this, yes, Elphaba's a bit oversensitive, but everything scares her when it comes to losing Fiyero now. And yes, Fiyero's a bit too forgiving, but he loves her and he can't help it. He's naive.

Chapter Forty-Nine: If I Told You

"If I told you that I lie sometimes,
If I told you that I run away,
If I told who I was before,
would you follow me?

If I told you that I sneak sometimes,
If I told you that I love too much,
If I showed you the other side,
would you follow me?"

She found him with his father and beckoned him into the hall. "We need to talk."

"Now?" He raised his eyebrows.

"Yes." She affirmed.

"One moment," he grumbled. Fiyero disappeared back into the throne room and was back out in a moment. "So?"

"Come with me," she said, taking his hand and leading him to their bedroom. Ignoring the skeptical look in his eyes, she sat him down on the bed and sat next to him, still clutching his hand. "Now, we're going to talk about something, and one or both of us may get very angry. But I want you to promise me, and I'll promise you, that no matter what, we're going to sit right here and talk about this as calmly as possible." Last time she'd insisted on this arrangement, it had been for Fiyero's benefit. This time, it was for her own.

"Sure," Fiyero shrugged.

"Okay." She breathed in deeply for a minute before beginning. "Yero, I know what's nagging at the back of your mind, why you won't make love to me."

"Elphaba," he turned his head, but didn't move to get up, "I thought we talked about this already."

"We did. But I know why you're doing it."

"Oh, really? Then please tell me, because I have no idea."

"I plan to. I also happen to know why you took that sleeping potion."

"So how many little things have you been neglecting to tell me?" Fiyero accused.

"One." She said quickly, tearing up. Her lip quivered and tears began. "It's all related. Please, let me go on. Maybe you'll understand why I didn't want to tell you."

"I can't imagine you had a good reason." But he wasn't so accusing. Her tears unnerved him; they weren't something he was used to, at least hadn't been used to.

"Oh," Elphaba chuckled bitterly, wiping her tears, "but I did."

Fiyero looked at her curiously. "Go on."

For a moment, she reconsidered. After all, why should she care if he made love to her at all? Their relationship wasn't about sex, anyway. But it was getting in the way. The few times when they did, he went about it making her feel awful. That should matter. And it wasn't only the sex that had become awkward. There were other things wrong, things she couldn't seem to place. Sex does help lovers feel infinitely closer to one another, and the sudden loss of that for no understandable reason was separating them, and it was keeping them more distant than she'd ever wanted them to be. "You're not going to like this."

"If you dragged me in here and away from helping my father with an important governmental decision just to argue that you shouldn't tell me whatever it is you wanted to, I'm not going to be happy with you, Elphaba."

"Fae," she corrected quietly.

"What?"

"You barely ever call me 'Fae' anymore. That's all. I liked it." She blinked slowly and then turned back to him. "Never mind that. The night before you tried to kill yourself, we had a sort of disagreement that we'd solved pretty easily and we fell asleep next to each other happy, actually. But the next morning, you mentioned how I'd once said how much you meant to me, and that it was too bad it wasn't true. This enraged me, because you were right. It was true that I wasn't treating you as if you meant the world to me, even though you did, and you do, and I'd do anything to prove that, now."

"But what does that have to do with what I did?"

She nuzzled her head against his shoulder for a moment before continuing. "I was so angry that I was irrational. I went to the schoolhouse and had a difficult time with the kids. Then Drienna told me that Kalendrio was considering taking her out of school for the summer and she didn't want to leave. So, by the time Kalendrio came, I was mixed up with a bunch of different unhappy emotions. I was pissed off at you, upset about the day I'd had and distressed for Drienna."

Fiyero bit his lip. "And then you…"

She nodded and hung her head. "You're remembering now, aren't you?"

"I came to get you and saw you in the window. I couldn't watch you betray me."

Sobs catching in her throat, she tried, "Look, there's no excuse for what I did. But I knew it was wrong. Fiyero, you left before you could see…"

"See what? See you let some other man have his way with you because you were 'upset' and 'distressed'?" He finally ripped his hand out of hers. Fiyero clutched at the sides of the bed, shaking. Oh, how badly he wanted to get up! But he'd agreed he wouldn't, and he wasn't going to go back on that. Yet he couldn't look at her.

"No!" She exclaimed. "No, Fiyero. You left before you could see me put a stop to it. He kissed me and I let him. He touched me and I let him. But when he tried to undress me, something felt wrong, Yero, and I knew I couldn't do it. I felt sick with myself for even letting it get as far as I did." Elphaba wrapped her arms around him in a hug, and didn't move when he was unresponsive. "You haven't been able to touch me intimately because you can't deal with the fact that someone else had done the same. But no one has, Yero. I promise you." Elphaba was crying openly now; she didn't care if he saw.

He shifted out of her grasp, trying not to let her tears affect him too much. "How do I know you're not just saying that because you can? How do I know you're not just taking advantage of the fact that I didn't stay and lying to me?"

"Because the only way I only knew you'd left was the fact that you would've reacted differently if you'd seen it all. I know you, Fiyero. You went home and tried to kill yourself because you felt like I didn't love you anymore, and that you couldn't live with knowing I'd had sex with another man. And you haven't been able to touch me because something in the back of your mind remembers what you saw and assumes the worst. But I do love you, and I never got closer than seeing him almost naked."

"You saw him almost naked?" Fiyero glanced at her, half disturbed and half amused.

"Okay, pretty much naked." She admitted, wincing as if something had hit her. After a moment, she explained, "When he tried to undress me, I pushed him away and told him I could handle myself. So he undressed, looking away from me, while I struggled with myself and tried not to think of the wrong I was doing. But you're always on my mind, and I couldn't let myself do it. I turned around and he was fully undressed, but I wasn't much different from before I'd pushed him away."

He examined her face achingly. "You're not lying."

"No, I'm not. And now you know what happened. You can be as mad at me as you want for all of this, but at least you're not unconsciously believing that I did more than what actually happened. It honestly wouldn't have been good for me, anyway, from what I saw of him compared to what I always see of you," she teased lightly, trying to divert his attention, to make him feel better.

A stroke of his ego helped, though it didn't soothe his anger completely. "What makes you say that?" He couldn't help it. He already knew she'd seen another man naked, the details weren't going to bother him anymore than the sheer fact.

She made a hand gesture, blushing wildly. "After making love with you, I don't see how anyone the slightest bit… smaller… could satisfy me, anyway. I wouldn't want to find out to begin with," she reassured him.

"You little…"

"What? It's the truth!" She giggled a little bit, the tears almost unevident. Looking back into his eyes, her expression eased and she whispered, "I love you more than anything. I'll do whatever I can to show you that. And I never had intercourse with anyone else, anything you think will prove that, I'll do, too."

"Fae," he murmured, "why'd you have to even try?"

"There's no excuse. To my irrational mind, the excuse was my rage and anguish. But I know it was wrong. I'd never even think about it again. I won't even hug the man or shake his hand again if you'd like."

"Would it seem possessive if I didn't want you alone with him again?"

"No, not at all. It's my fault you wouldn't trust me with him."

"I trust you, I do. Even knowing what you did, at least you stopped. But I can't trust that you won't get so angry you won't think."

"I do tend to do that a lot, don't I?" She asked softly.

"Just a bit." He smiled. "I do think I remembered, somewhere. You're right."

"But now you remember and you know what happened afterward. Never assume things, my Yero."

"Hmmm, I think I'll have to see for myself if you haven't done anything," he said huskily.

Her eyes widened, "How?"

"I think I'd be able to feel the difference, if I did it the way I used to, don't you?" He pushed her back onto the bed and climbed over her, unbuttoning her nightgown. "Damn, why'd I suggest this nightclothes thing again?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, Fiyero, you're such a silly man."

He was already on his own clothes, and he was gently nibbling on her neck. "I do believe you wouldn't like it if I was too serious. I love you, Fae."

"Fiyero!" She cried, helpless, closing her eyes and losing the last remnants of worry and sorrow, losing herself.