Writer's Note: Gah, I have not updated for such a long time, partly because I wasn't sure how to continue, and mainly because school was so busy. Anyway, this is chapter four and though I sort of expected to end soon, I realised that I write far too slowly, in terms of the plot moving that is, which means that it'll probably continue for two more chapters or something…
I think this chapter is a bit weird, as in the writing is slightly different from what I am used to and the phrasing is awkward at times. I'll work on those points as I move along, but in the main time, I hope you'll like this chapter.
Oh, and I'll like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapters, took your comments and suggestions, thanks. Oh, and on reply to a question about Atobe, he works because he chose to give up on a life of luxury and left Japan to forget the past.
Chapter Four
Fuji was joyful as he heard the good news from the doctor, for the antiseptically cold atmosphere of the hospital chilled him, he missed Atobe nightly, as he laid alone on his bed each night, staring at the white-washed walls and plain ceiling. His happiness was built on the other man's presence and he found himself longing for the only company he had whenever he was awake and alone.
He wished to be free of the smell of medicine and disease, he wanted to live a normal life outside with the freedom to move as he wished, and he wanted to leave the nights of loneliness behind. But what was most important to him, a secret desire that he had never confided in anyone, not even Atobe, was the wish to return to his homeland.
The blank void in his memory haunted and intrigued him; he saw disconnected yet somehow familiar images in his mind occasionally, but they barely make any sense, and whenever he tried to probe further, to remember more, his head begin to hurt tremendously.
Fuji badly wanted to know what happened in his past, he wanted his memories back, both good and bad, for that seemed better than not having any memories at all. He felt lost and hollow sometimes, there was a space in his heart that seemed unfilled, there was someone or something important that he knew existed but could not remember and he wanted to know, he needed to know.
Making up his mind, Fuji knew he had to tell Atobe and persuade him somehow, for it was clear to him that Atobe was uncomfortable with the issues of the past. Each time Fuji had tried to ask any questions about his accident and coma, Atobe had carefully evaded the topic, the pain in his eyes evident.
Perhaps that was what had made him even more determined to find out, for he not only wanted to feel the empty void in his heart, he wanted to take away the pain and sorrow that he saw in the other man's deep grey eyes whenever the subject was brought up. He knew that like him, Atobe was nursing a void in his heart and he was determined to fill it, to remove the grief his companion held, to return the gift of serenity and happiness that Atobe had given him.
The morning that he was due to leave the hospital; Atobe took time off from work, excusing himself from returning to office for an entire week. He wanted to spend the time with Fuji, to allow the former tensai to get use to daily life and to make his days joyful and peaceful.
Fuji smiled as he left the hospital, turning back once more to look at the white building where he had spent six years of his life. Six full years, it was such a long period of time, yet so short for him, it seemed as if he had merely gone to sleep one night and woke up the next morning to find that six years had passed. It wouldn't have made a difference really, the number of years, he wouldn't know what had changed, he didn't know how things were initially anyway, but he knew he needed to find out.
It was a silent drive back to Atobe's apartment, each man was absorbed in his own thoughts and silently acknowledged the presence of the other without allowing words to disrupt the silence and interrupt their thoughts. As they stepped into the apartment, with Atobe's arm gently resting on the other man's waist to provide support, Fuji looked around with curiosity and admiration. Allowing Atobe to help him to the couch, he smiled as he spoke.
"I like your choice of colours."
In the past, Atobe would have laughed carelessly and replied that anyone with good taste and any sense would liked his choice in colours. But looking into Fuji's sincere eyes and remembering what had influenced his choice in colours, he merely curved his lips into a smile, a smile that did not quite meet his eyes, for only one thought echoed in his head, a thought that he could not voice.
"These were his favourite colours."
Fuji noticed the wistful yet sorrowful emotions the dark eyes held and did not say anymore, deciding that this was not the right time to tell Atobe of his plans.
That night, Atobe insisted that Fuji shared his big double bed for he was worried about Fuji, who while slowly recovering, was still extremely weak, and would not allow him to sleep anywhere out of his sight, convinced that there was a need for someone to watch over him. As they retreated to bed at an early hour, he ensured that the other was tucked warmly between the covers and sound asleep gently pulling a blanket over him.
Atobe looked at Fuji as the tensai lay beside him, his eyes caressed the delicate features, marvelling at their peerless beauty, his lips curved unconsciously into a tender smile. Yet, a dull pain caused his heart to ache and he saw how fragile and vulnerable the other man was, taking in the slender figure and pale skin. He longed to protect him, to make sure that nothing and no one could hurt him.
"And yet you have hurt him most."
A little voice in his head reminded him of the pain and grief he had once seen on those angelic and serene features, causing him to confront the shadows of the past once more.
A single tear fell onto the soft, silky sheets as Atobe fought to keep his emotions under control, biting on his lower lip until he could taste blood. Yet, he did not cry, he refused to release the tears that were gathering in his eyes, he couldn't.
He had not wept for so long. He remembered a time when his tears had once flowed freely, without constraint or obstruction. He had cried so much and it was so painful. He couldn't cry anymore, he couldn't afford to, he couldn't allow himself to feel, to cry, to be vulnerable, for fear that the pain would consume him. He knew that he needed his courage now, more than at any other point, he needed to be strong, for Fuji.
Biting his lower lip, he closed his eyes and allowed the world to be shut out, unwilling to face anything else. He swallowed the tears, relishing the familiar bitter and salty taste in his mouth, before forcing all thoughts out of his mind and sinking into uneasy sleep.
The next morning, Fuji awoke first; he sat up straight and looked around for a moment before remembering where he was. Turning to cast a glance at his sleeping companion, he couldn't help but smile as he saw that Atobe was curled up like a cat, looking both angelic and adorable at the same time.
Getting out of the bed, Fuji walked slowly to the kitchen without making a sound, for fear of waking Atobe. He planned to surprise the other man with breakfast and quickly set down to preparing the food.
It was nearly an hour later when Atobe woke up to see that Fuji was no longer beside him. Half worried about the tensai, he left the room to look for him. Stepping into the living room, the aroma of food cooking reached his senses and he headed rapidly to the kitchen. The frown on his face broke into a huge grin when he saw the other man dressed in his apron and frying something on the stove.
Fuji smiled sweetly at him.
"You might want to change and brush your teeth or do something along these lines, I couldn't bear to have breakfast with someone that looks so sleepy…I would think I were the one boring him to sleep."
His tone was light and gently teasing.
Atobe looked down to see that he was still wearing the crumpled T-shirt that he had worn bed last night, and glancing at his own reflection in a mirror hanging near the kitchen wall, realised that he indeed looked sleepy and unkempt. Acknowledging Fuji's advice with a sheepish grin, he hurried away into the bathroom.
Fifteen minutes later, when Atobe emerged looking fresh and tidy, the table had already been set and Fuji was waiting for him to have breakfast together. Sitting down at the dining table, the two spoke of their plans for the day as they ate.
"So what do you want to do today?" Atobe asked with a smile on his face.
"What do you suggest?"
"We could take a walk around the neighbourhood, and we could go anywhere you want to."
"Go anywhere I want to go?" Fuji's voice trailed off slowly, becoming hesitant as he spoke.
"Yes, I'll do anything you want me to." Atobe's answer was soft yet sure, his voice was suddenly lower and huskier than ever.
Fuji looked uncertainly into the dark grey eyes and saw that the other man meant every word he had said; yet the former tensai was hesitant. He wanted there and then, to spill everything, to tell Atobe that he could not possible pretend that he did not have a past, to tell him that he wanted to find out what had happened, that he wanted to know the people that used to be so important to him, that he wanted to find out more about the old Fuji Sysuuke.
After a long pause, Fuji finally spoke.
"Atobe, I wish…I wish to visit Japan."
Atobe did not reply for a moment, he merely looked away, avoiding the other's eyes. Yet, Fuji had already caught the expression in his eyes; he had seen the mixture of grief, helplessness and dismay that occupied the dark depths, but there was not a trace of surprise, rather, Atobe appeared to be resigned.
He understood then, that Atobe had knew all along, he had knew that Fuji would not be satisfied with simply leading a happy and carefree existence without finding out about the past. He had clearly been prepared for the day when Fuji would seek the truth, yet had not expected it to come so soon.
Fuji regretted his words immediately; the desperately painful look in Atobe's eyes remained firmly etched in his mind even as he turned away. He wanted to hug him, comfort him, and tell him that it was fine, he could just forget there was ever a past and they could both be happy. Yet, he knew he couldn't, for that was not the truth. He knew he could never bear to continue pretending that there was never a past, he need to fill the void in his heart, he wanted to be complete.
Atobe finally spoke after a long while.
"We'll leave for Japan next week, I'll get a transfer from my office, we'll move back permanently." His voice trembled slightly as he spoke, the pain and fear in his words evident.
The tensai did not reply. He stood up after a moment and quickly crossed the distance between them, gently wrapping his arms around Atobe's neck and pulling him into a warm embrace. The other man responded with a muffled cry as he buried his head against Fuji's neck and held him tightly, returning the embrace with more force than ever.
"Forgive me when you find out." The words nearly escaped him, but he stopped himself. He couldn't bear to say them out loud; he couldn't bear to imagine Fuji's reaction when he remembered what has happened.
Hope you enjoyed reading! Read and review, I'll love to have more suggestions and I'll try my very very best to post the next chapter soon, hopefully in less than a week.