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Thursday MorningKirsten had been lying in Sandy's arms for what felt like hours. She was wide awake, trying to keep her eyes closed, pretending to sleep. She had her back toward Sandy, and although she couldn't see his face, she knew he was sleeping. She could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest against her back. She tried to use the rhythm to lull herself to asleep, but that was not working. She felt like she tried everything from counting backwards to thinking her favorite thoughts, but nothing was willing sleep to come.
She knew it was because she was uncomfortable. Not with Sandy, but with herself and her behavior. She couldn't believe that she just slept with Sandy. She couldn't believe that all it took for her to falter was his attractive features and his charming words. She couldn't believe that she could give so much of herself to someone who didn't even want to be in a committed relationship with her. Where were her morals? Where was her self esteem? Where was her self-respect?
It took her almost two years to finally give in to Jimmy's wants and desires. She had contemplated losing her virginity for months before it actually happened. It was something that was planned out over weeks. Maybe it was because that was her first time. Maybe it was just a lot easier to fall into someone else's arms the second time.
She didn't regret sleeping with Sandy. How could she? It was the best sex she ever had. If it never happened again, she would have to be okay with that. Sandy made it clear that he wasn't the boyfriend type. Just last night he commented on how they were from opposite worlds and having a relationship would never work. She was just having a very difficult time separating the mental from the physical.
She was thinking about it too much. She had to take Sandy's words into consideration. He said he needed to stop thinking about it. He did, he acted, and now she was wrapped up in sheets that probably surrounded countless girls' bodies. That thought made her sick. How many women had Sandy been with before her?
Before her mind could wander any further, she thought about how she could escape. She needed to get back to her dorm, but first she had to get out of his embrace. She gently removed his arms from her waist and slowly pulled the covers down. As she spun her legs over the side of the bed, her eyes caught the sight of her clothing across the floor. It had been a good night, she thought.
His kisses were so soft and gentle at times and then hungry and passionate at other times. As their bodies intertwined, she could never remember feeling such completeness before. Now, here she was, trying to get out of there to avoid the awkward confrontation. She played it over in her head a thousand times while she laid in his arms.
He would say the sex was great, because it was.
She would agree, pretending that was all there was to it.
He would say that he still hoped they could be friends.
She would say okay.
He would say something charming to leave the door open for future trysts.
She would agree, knowing how hard it was going to be to keep her emotions out of the playing area.
They would go their separate ways.
She didn't want to play that part. She knew, even if it was cowardly, that she had to avoid this at all costs. She got up from the bed slowly so Sandy wouldn't feel the mattress sink to his side. College beds, she thought. No one ever had a good mattress. She turned to look at him and couldn't help but smile. He was adorable, even while he slept. How annoying is that?
She dressed quickly, grabbed her purse and left the door slightly ajar. She didn't want to take the chance of him hearing the door shut behind her. This was the ultimate walk of shame. She had to make her way back to campus, in an evening gown and heels, while students were probably up early because everyone was heading home for the holidays.
She turned a few heads as she walked home. This only added to her already existing shame. She couldn't help it, even though she really didn't do anything wrong. This just wasn't how Kirsten Nichol, daughter of Caleb Nichol, should behave. She knew it, but she kept telling herself not to care.
As she opened the front door to her room, she was glad to see Paul and Emily fell asleep on the couch. This would make it easy for her to go in their room, pack and get the hell out of Berkeley. Emily must have heard her rustling around in the room and got up to greet her.
"So, someone had a good night huh?"
"Shhh." Kirsten didn't need Paul to hear this conversation. It was humiliating enough.
"He's sleeping Kirsten, and don't even tell me there is nothing to tell. I know there is because we saw you two on the porch last night. It looked like a pretty heated kiss and then we saw you go to his room where I assume you are just getting back from."
"Em, keep your voice down."
"Do you honestly think Paul and I have not discussed this?
Kirsten realized she was being stupid. Of course they discussed it. Why would she think this would be some secret? There were a lot of people at that party that must have saw her succumb to Sandy's charms. She was so disgusted with herself.
"What's the matter?" Emily recognized the uncertainty in Kirsten's eyes.
"Nothing. I just have to pack so I can get out of here as quickly as possible."
"What's the rush? Was it that bad?"
"Was what bad?"
"The sex." Emily stated simply.
"What makes you think we had sex last night?"
"Are you denying it?"
Kirsten couldn't lie to Emily. "No." She didn't want to spend the entire morning analyzing it though. "Em, it was incredible. It was probably the best sex I have ever had. Not that I have much to compare, but wow." She pulled out her suitcase and started to get her stuff together.
"That's great Kirsten. So again, what's the rush to skip town?"
"I just can't face him. I don't want to face him. I don't want to hear again how he is not the boyfriend type of guy. I know that already. I just don't want to hear it again."
"Well, didn't you see him this morning?"
That was when the guilt set in. "No, I sort of just snuck out of there."
"Kirsten! How immature are you?"
"I know. I realize now how bad that is."
"How would you like it if he did that to you?"
"Don't turn the tables Emily. Besides, I am sure he is probably relieved. Plus we are both going home for a few weeks to opposite ends of the country. We can both..."
"What, Kirsten? Forget that it ever happened? Sorry to break the news to you, but it doesn't work like that."
"Em, I don't need a lecture. I am going home soon enough to be lectured about my poor decisions."
"I'm sorry. No judgment here. I am going to leave you to your packing, but if you want to talk, call me over break."
Sandy still had his eyes closed as he thought about the previous night. All he wanted was to be close to Kirsten and he finally was. It never felt so good before. He never felt so connected before. He just wanted more of that. He reached over to pull her close to him once again, but his fingertips were met with cool sheets and cold air.
His eyes flew open in disbelief. She did it again. She managed to take off on him without him noticing. How does she do that especially after last night? Was she serious about this not being anything serious? He started to question all the feelings he was having. He started to question his judgment of her character once again. It was a flaw. Ever since Rebecca, he had to be careful. Kirsten was so different though. She was nothing like Rebecca. He could never imagine Kirsten ever being that selfish and self absorbed.
Sandy was thinking of what he should do. Should he try and find her and talk to her about last night? He wanted to make sure she was okay. Never had a girl taken off on him the morning after. It was really insulting. He thought he made it clear that he wanted her to stay. He pulled her back to bed and she obliged. Was he reading this situation all wrong? Should he just let her go and not think about it? He was trying not to use his head, not to get caught up in this. He should just catch his flight back to New York and not think of Kirsten Nichol until he came back to Berkeley.
Who was he kidding? Last night was incredible. That was not something he felt often, even though there was plenty of opportunity too. He couldn't not speak to her for three weeks after what finally had happened between them. He couldn't believe his overwhelming need for that. Even Rebecca didn't have that kind of hold on him. She was more an acquired taste. The first time they slept together Rebecca always was the one who did the pursuing.
He liked that Kirsten was a challenge. That was what set her apart from everyone else. In that instance, he realized he had to see her. He had to track her down. He didn't want to be that guy. He prided himself on being a gentleman and she deserved at least that.
Thursday AfternoonKirsten arrived at the airport, walking slowly, still in a daze from her late night. As she made her way over to the private jet terminal she heard her name being called. As she turned around and locked eyes, her body filled with a spectrum of emotions. At one end she was nervous, dreading the upcoming conversation, embarrassed of what he thought of her, suddenly feeling shy. At the other end, she was thrilled, knowing he came all the way here to meet her, excited that he cared.
"Still not comfortable with all the intimacy?" he grabbed her bag for her and started wheeling it the direction she was walking.
She lowered her head, remembering their previous conversation of sex versus intimacy. She remembered telling him there was no correlation between the two. "I guess."
"I figured. I really wished you would have stayed. I was..."
"I did stay. I stayed for awhile, but I just couldn't get comfortable. I didn't leave until the morning. I tried falling asleep, but I couldn't. There is a side to this that you will find funny!"
She stopped walking so he could face her. "Yeah? What's that?"
"The image of me walking back to campus in my dress, high heels and smudged makeup. It was definitely a sight to see." She laughed making it clear that she was not mad in any way.
"I would have walked you back. I could have borrowed someone's car. I wanted to see you this morning." He smiled sheepishly, not knowing where else to go from there.
"That's sweet Sandy, but you didn't have to come all the way here."
They arrived at the end of the hallway and someone in a airline uniform came out to greet them.
"Good afternoon Ms. Nichol. We are ready for takeoff whenever you are. Please let me take your bag aboard."
"Thanks Joel." Kirsten was familiar with this attendant. He was on her father's staff.
As the attendant reached for her bag, Sandy tightened his grip and spoke up. "I can take it for her. Thanks man."
Kirsten looked up at Sandy with a smirk on her face. "What are you doing? They always do that. You really don't have to."
"What? And miss getting to see the inside of a private jet? Are you nuts?"
As he rolled her suitcase through the door, Kirsten just followed him, dreading his reaction. Sandy was speechless. He couldn't believe this was how she traveled and it was the norm for her. Leather seats, private chef, entertainment center were just some of things causing his bewilderment.
"This is why I wanted the Joel to take my bag."
"What? Why?"
"The look on your face is making me sick."
"I'm sorry. It's just ..." He struggled with locating the right words. "You should see how I travel compared to this."
"I'm sure it's very normal."
"That's one word for it." Sandy wanted to drop it. He could tell she felt uncomfortable. He just couldn't understand how she didn't consider herself lucky. "So..."
"So..." She didn't know what to say so she just repeated him. What was left to say?
"Kirsten, I really don't know what to say. I want to talk to you about last night, but the words..."
"There is nothing to talk about." She interrupted.
"Really? There is nothing you want to say? You didn't want to say that you had fun, that you find me attractive, that you hope it happens again." His eyes were dancing with hers, anticipating a response.
"Okay, I want to say all those things, but am too scared. I am glad you said them for me."
"Well, I'm a talker."
She laughed, loving his ability to do that to her. "Thanks for meeting me here as well, but again, you didn't have to. You are going above and beyond what I expected."
"What did you expect?"
"We discussed our expectations of this before, Sandy. Did we not agree that you and I would never work?"
"Yes, we discussed it, but what do you think now?"
"I thought you said we were thinking too much!" She loved using his own words to haunt him. "I think that I had a really good time and I have my suspicions that you did too."
He let go of her suitcase handle, forgetting his grip was still there. He took a step closer to her and placed his hands on her hips, pulling her close to him. "I had an unbelievable time." He moved his face closer to hers, wanting to kiss her one last time before they separate for a few weeks. "So what happens now?"
She smiled at him. She couldn't help it. He was grinning ear to ear and it was contagious. He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. She smells so good, he thought. She opened her mouth welcoming anything he had to offer. She couldn't get enough of him even though she fought the urge.
As their kiss deepened, their hands started to roam each other's body. Her hands on his chest, his hands on her back trailing downward, needing to stop. He pulled away first knowing if they didn't stop, Joel was going to walk in on more than he bargained for.
She decided to answer his question. "I thought this was your area of expertise."
"Not precisely." He decided to make a bold move. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to her. "If you get bored over break, feel free to call me whenever."
"Shouldn't you be the one to call me?"
"I would have never thought you to be so old fashioned, Kirsten. Besides, you didn't offer up your number."
She smiled before Sandy was startled out of his trance. He looked at his watch and looked back at her with a sense of panic on his face. "Kirsten, I have to run. I rushed over here trying to catch you, but I still have to pack and catch my own plane."
"Okay, go. Sorry to keep you. Have a great break. I'll call you." That just slipped out.
"You will?"
"Maybe!"
He smiled his big, toothy smile. He cupped her face with his hands one last time, leaned in and gave her a slow, closed mouth kiss on her lips. He let this lips linger for a bit, not wanting it to end. He opened his eyes and he was happy to see her smiling back at him. "Good!"
And with that he was gone. She watched his back as he walked away from her. This break was going to kill her.
Sandy grabbed a cab and rushed back to his house, which was in utter disarray. He didn't give a second thought to cleaning anything up. Five guys lived there, they didn't care. He went to his room and started to pack. Shortly after, he heard a knock on his door."
"Come in." He called back, his heart stopping, thinking it might be her.
"Hey man. Just wanted to say goodbye. I am taking off." It was Paul.
"See you in a few weeks. Are you planning on seeing Emily over break?"
"Of course. You have no idea how hard it is to be away from her."
"I have an idea."
"So I assume I am going to get nothing from you before I go, so just answer me one question. Was it good?"
Sandy immediately knew that he knew about Kirsten. He must have seen them or Emily told him. It really didn't matter though. He didn't care about hiding it anymore. He grabbed his packed suitcase and made his way toward the door leading out into the living room. "It was simply the best."
Kirsten thought about Sandy on the plane, in the limo and even when she arrived at her house. She thought about how Sandy made her feel and how he had such a genuine soul. She had never met anyone like him before. He was so different, but in a refreshing sort of way. As she made her way through the front door of the huge mansion, it never felt less like home. Two weeks, she kept telling herself. Two weeks and she would be back at Berkeley putting in time at the gallery and not worrying about classes. It won't be that bad, plus she would get to hang out with Jimmy and the rest of her high school friends.
Thursday NightSandy landed in New York and was greeted with bitter cold wind, ice frozen over the sidewalks and millions of people in a rush. He realized right then and there that as much as he loved New York, California was his home now. It was just a different way of life. He thought of Kirsten as his cab pulled up in front of his Bronx apartment building. After seeing her private jet, he couldn't imagine her seeing his digs. Another reason they could never work.
"Hey Ma, I'm home." He walked into the small three bedroom apartment already missing his house in Berkeley. "And before you say anything, I come in peace." It didn't take long for Sandy to realize that she wasn't home. He knew she probably forgot about his return, but didn't want to think about it.
After a few hours of unwinding, he heard the front door open, knowing it was his mother. He didn't want to scare her so he called out, "Hey Ma. I'm in here."
"Sanford?" She said it questioningly.
He met her in the kitchen which just barely fit the two of them. "Yeah. Did you forget I was coming home?"
"No, if I forgot, I wouldn't have been able to line up a job for you for the next three weeks."
"Ma, what did you get me into?"
"You need money, right?"
"Well, yeah, but..."
"No buts, Sandy. I got you a bartending job at Spark's Steakhouse. Do you know what kind of money rolls through there? Rich people just throwing hundred dollar bills around as tips." She saw Sandy's horrified look. "Don't thank me or anything."
"Uh...I just didn't expect that. Sorry. Thank you. The money will definitely come in handy, although the thought of serving rich people is not my idea of fun."
"Take what you can get." That was the end of that conversation. He was going to work whether he liked it or not. He had a hard time saying no to his mother. She had some sort of weird hold on him and he couldn't shake. Servicing rich people, he thought. How bad could that be? The only rich person he knew was Kirsten and he thought of all the ways he would love to service her. This wouldn't be bad at all.
Kirsten was in her room when she heard the front door slam shut. She was dreading seeing her father after her last encounter but knew she had to face the music sometime.
"Kirsten? Kirsten, are you home?" That wasn't the voice of her father. She got up from her bed and made her way down the curvy staircase. She was thrilled that looking up at her were not those cold blue eyes of steel. They were softer, light brown ones, looking at her with some level of uncertainty.
"Hey Jimmy! I am so glad it is you." She back peddled. "I thought you were my father."
"No, just me. I heard you would be back tonight and your timing is impeccable."
"Why's that?" She was intrigued now.
"Taryn is having a rager. It is supposed to be awesome. You want to come with?"
She didn't want to give Jimmy the wrong idea, but anything sounded better than seeing her father. "Sure. Come upstairs while I get ready and then we can go. Just give me ten minutes."
"Yeah right! I think I know you a little better than that."
She laughed knowing he was right. He really did know almost everything about her and that was what made everything about their relationship so simple. After about twenty five minutes, Kirsten and Jimmy made their way down to the foyer running right into Caleb coming in the the front door.
"Dad! Hi. Jimmy and I were..."
"Go. Have fun. Glad to see you two together." He turned his attention to Jimmy. "How are classes going? Still on target for graduation?"
"Yes, sir." He didn't know what else to say to Caleb. The last time they saw each other, he upset Kirsten and she ended up leaving. It was not something he liked to think about.
"Good. Take care of my girl. Have fun." Caleb walked further into the house and Kirsten stared at him in disbelief.
Once they were outside, she couldn't hold it in anymore. "Is he kidding me? Where was the 'Be home by 1' or any of the negative comments he usually throws my way?"
Jimmy didn't want a repeat of Kirsten's uncomfortableness to return. He knew Caleb was being amicable because she was with him. He didn't want to foil any part of his master plan. Jimmy just wished Kirsten didn't catch on to any of this. "Maybe he didn't like the way things were left off between you two over Thanksgiving." He hoped she wouldn't question it and she didn't.
After the party, Jimmy called a car to come get them. He wanted to talk to Kirsten about what was going to happen with them. He had thought about it for five weeks, since she ran from Newport. Kirsten was very drunk and he knew that, but figured that could work in his favor.
"This is great, isn't it? Hanging out like old times?"
"Yeah, Jimmy. We always had a lot of fun together." She knew she was drunk, but he did look handsome.
"Always, right? I know. I don't want that to ever end, Kirsten."
She was really feeling the alcohol in her system and had no idea where Jimmy was heading with this. "Why would it end? We are friends. Our families are friends. We are pretty much stuck with each other." She smiled as she sat on the curb, her legs feeling suddenly heavy.
He took a seat next to her, stroking her hair out of her face. "I love you Kirsten. I want us to be more than friends."
"Oh you must be drunk. You don't even know what you are saying." She heard what he said, but she wasn't really listening.
"No. I mean yes. Yes, I am drunk, but I know what I am saying. I am seeing this girl at school, Julie, and everytime I am with her, I think about you. I know I want to be with you."
Kirsten did not even hear the last part of what he said. She was thinking of Sandy. "I'm seeing someone at school too. Well, sort of." Kirsten was trying to figure out her relationship with Sandy so she can explain it to Jimmy, but the mix of her own confusion and half bottle of vodka, it wasn't going to come out right. "We're not really a couple, but we're sleeping together."
Jimmy was now officially shocked. Who was Kirsten sleeping with? The only person she was ever with was him. That was the one thing he had going for him. He hated the thought of her body being touched by anyone else, the thought of her lips on someone else and the thought of her fucking someone else.
Jimmy looked over at her and she had this goofy smile on her face. He could tell that she was day dreaming about someone else and he was sick. He leaned in closer to her wanting her to think of only him. Their lips were inches apart.
"So, who is this other guy?" As he closed his eyes, he heard the name that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"Sandy." She moved her face anyway from him, unaware of his intentions. "You actually met him when you were up there. Although, we weren't together then. We are not really together now. I really don't know..." She was rambling and lost her herself in her own train of thought.
The car couldn't have pulled up at a better moment. They both got in the black Lincoln Town Car and Kirsten passed out, her head on Jimmy's shoulder. He treasured this moment, knowing he was losing her.
Sandy started working at the restaurant and his mother was right. This place was swarming with the rich and powerful of New York. It did work in his favor because the tips were great and he was able to wait drinks on tables as well. He figured this was better than spending his time trapped at home arguing with his mother.
Chanukah approached and was pretty uneventful. He thought of Kirsten often and wondered why she hadn't called him. He needed to forget about her for the time being, otherwise he was going to drive himself crazy.
Christmas arrived in the Nichol household and it was the usual traditions that followed. The Newport Group's annual party, catered full with servers and bartenders, lots of white lights and plenty of alcohol. The evening always ended with the Coopers and the Nichols sitting around the fire, after all the guests departed, discussing their New Years plans. That was when Caleb dropped the bomb on everyone.
"I was thinking that we should all go to New York for the new year. I have some business to do, but we have the penthouse to stay in and it is plenty big for all of us. What do you say?" That question was directed right at Jimmy's father. It didn't matter what everyone else thought.
Kirsten was excited. She loved New York, plus she thought it was a perfect reason to call Sandy. She had been so hesitant about it, not having an actual reason for calling. Her thoughts were interrupted by Jimmy whispering in her ear, "Do you remember the last time we all went to New York?"
How could Kirsten forget? That was the first time Caleb Nichol realized his little girl was growing up. Although somewhat clothed, the image of his daughter underneath a shirtless sixteen year old was not something he expected to see in his bedroom overlooking Central Park.
How could she call Sandy if Jimmy was going to be there? Kirsten remembered everything Jimmy said that drunken night in front of Taryn's, but pretended otherwise. She didn't want to face him. She couldn't. She knew deep down inside, she wished those words came out of Sandy's mouth. She also knew that would never be a reality. He had major trust issues and she understood why.
Tuesday Morning (2 days before New Years Eve)
The Nichols and Coopers arrived in New York and made their way over to Central Park West and sixty-seventh street. Kirsten loved being in New York and considered Sandy lucky to have had to opportunity to grow up here. She couldn't understand his resentment toward such a wonderful place. Maybe one day he would truly explain it to her. She thought about calling him, but figured she would do it when no one else was around. She didn't need her family asking a million questions and getting the third degree from her father. She made sure she packed tons of nice clothes, comfortable walking shoes and that piece of paper that meant so much to her.
Later that evening, her father announced that he made dinner reservations at some fancy restaurant that they would all attend. Kirsten would have been happy eating in the village with the NYU students enjoying the real taste of New York.
They all got dressed and the limo picked them up at eight. She wore dress pants and a silk red low cut top. She did it just to spite her father, not intending to have an effect on Jimmy. Unfortunately she did.
"You look... wow... I have no words. You are indescribable." Kirsten blushed, not wanting to compliment him back. She didn't want to give him the wrong impression or ever hurt his feelings.
They arrived at the restaurant and Kirsten had her down looking over the menu. She never felt her heart skip or the blood rise to her cheeks so fast until she heard that voice.
"Good evening everyone. Can I start you off with something to drink?" It had to be him. She would know that voice anywhere. Her head shot up so fast that Jimmy turned his attention her way, gripping her hand, which was placed on top of the table.
"Kirsten, are you alright?" Kirsten barely heard him, let alone turned to look at him. He eyes were fixed on Sandy. He noticed her right away. Their eyes just stared at one another, not comprehending what the hell was going on.
She couldn't believe Sandy was standing right in front of her. It was like she was frozen in time. She never felt so completely out of control, not knowing what to do or say. She pulled her hand out from underneath Jimmy's. She didn't want Sandy to get the wrong idea, which she knew he would. Since when did he work in a restaurant? She had a million questions, but none compared to what was going through his mind.
What was she doing here? He could understand the type of restaurant. That was the one thing that made sense. She belonged in this type of setting and probably had been frequenting places like this her whole life. What was she doing in New York was a greater question. But the greatest question of all was why was Jimmy sitting next to her?
"We'll start off with 2 bottles of Pinot Noir in the fives." Sandy's attention snapped back to his job and he looked over at an older gentleman who he assumed must have been Kirsten's father.
"Yes, sir." Sandy smiled knowing he could schmooze any crowd and started to turn away. He knew Kirsten was wealthy but not to this extent. Since he started working at the restaurant never has anyone ordered a bottle in the fives. That was five thousand dollars a bottle. How much money could they have to blow tn grand on two bottles. That was insane in Sandy's world.
Kirsten needed to do something. She pushed her chair back and started to get up. "Sandy!" She called after him wanting to explain. His feelings meant more than the questioning stares she was about to face.
"Sandy?" Jimmy knew that name from the other night. Then when he got a closer look at him, he was one of the guys from Kirsten's dorm room.
"Who the hell is Sandy?" Caleb hated not being fully disclosed on any topic, especially one involving his daughter. "Kirsten, sit down this instance."
Sandy froze in his tracks. He turned to look at her and as much as he wanted to be mad, all he felt was sorrow. All he could see was the sadness in her eyes. He turned away from her and headed to fetch the bottles of wine. He knew he could not continue to wait that table. He felt like a third class citizen on the Titanic.
Kirsten kept looking over her shoulder, desperately wanting to talk to him. She saw Sandy talking to someone else, which she later knew was about switching tables. Sandy never returned to the section she was sitting in.
Friday MorningKirsten barely slept the previous night. She had to fix the situation with Sandy, but knew it was going to be tough to get away from whatever touristy thing her father planned for the day. She figured she would have to lie, but it was worth it. She told her family that she wasn't feeling well and knew what she had to do. She called Emily who called Paul for Sandy's home address. It may have been early, but if she showed up in person, he would have to speak to her.
She hailed a cab to the Bronx, a part of New York she had never seen. She was starting to think there was a lot about Sandy she didn't know. She didn't view of any it as a negative. She just was curious and wanted to know more. She pulled up in front of a large apartment building and built up enough courage to actually do this and face him. Someone was coming out which enabled her to get into the first set of locked doors. When she arrived at the front of the apartment door, she was starting to lose her nerve. She didn't want to start another war. Everything was so perfect when they left each other at the airport.
But she knew things would never go back to being that way unless she fixed this. So, she knocked.
Sandy opened the door and couldn't believe the sight before him. "Kirsten, what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you." She saw that he was extremely nervous. "I felt really bad about last night and I didn't want you to get the wrong impression. I really was going to call you..."
"Kirsten don't." He interrupted her because he didn't want to hear it. He stepped out into the hall closing the door behind him. The lighting was bad, it was cold and a little damp, but he could see that she still looked radiant even in the constant grey aura of the Bronx.
"Don't tell me what to do! I came all the way here to explain..."
"How come you let your father tell you what to do?"
She was silent. She never had an answer to that question, even when she asked it to herself. "Sandy, I don't want to fight. I don't. I thought things between us were going really well and the next thing I know I am showing up at your house, begging you to listen to me."
"It's an apartment." He said sadly.
"What?" Again, she was confused.
"It's an apartment, not a house."
"Oh I get it." She started laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"I thought you weren't invited me in because you were really mad at me, but the truth is your own pride is getting in the way."
"You have no idea what you are talking about."
"I think I do, but I didn't come all the way here for you or I to defend our backgrounds. We both know that we'll never get anywhere."
"So explain to me why you did come?"
She took in those blue eyes and figured she really had to explain this to him. Damn his blue t-shirt, guessing she could not ask him to change. "My father told us we were coming to New York for the New year and he invited Jimmy's family as well. I really was going to call you, thinking of your promise to show me a side of New York I would love." She smiled thinking about how much fun that would be.
Sandy didn't return her smile. All he kept thinking about was how he felt last night and he really just couldn't deal with that. "Kirsten, if you think I'm mad, I not."
"Oh good." She was still smiling, but noticed that he wasn't smiling back. "That's good right?"
"Kirsten, I can't do this. I can't set myself up for what is going to be a great letdown."
"You can't do what exactly?"
"I can't participate in this song and dance that we seem to partake in every few weeks. It is something that we are never going to perfect."
"How do you know that?" She had to question him and try to make sense of what he was saying.
"Private jets and five thousand dollar bottles of wine? Those are things you are used to, and have never been without. You father looked at me like I was some sort of servant and he speaks to you like you are under his command. You and I don't belong together. You belong with someone like Jimmy. He fits you better."
Kirsten was getting so upset that tears were starting to form. How could she be so foolish to think that they could have been more than what they decided they were? "I don't know what upsets me more."
Sandy didn't want to see her like this. "I don't mean to upset you. I am just telling you how it is and always will be."
She continued, not caring to hear anything else he had to say. "The fact that you are a total disappointment or that I was too stupid to see through this charade you put on for all your girls."
"Do you think this is easy for me? Try and put yourself in my shoes. I never thought anyone could mean as much as you do to me, but the whole thing is pointless in the long run. I'm sorry, but my feelings for you are stronger than I ever anticipated and the thought of getting serious with you and having it all ripped away is something I cannot handle."
"Sandy, I don't want this to be it. I don't want the other night to mean nothing when it meant so much more to me. I don't normally do that with just anyone, Sandy. I gave a piece of myself to you and just because you are scared or cannot handle it is not something I can easily accept." She started to walk away before she turned around and asked, "Who gives you the right to judge who fits me better?"
"Take a look around you. This is me. This is where I come from and that is never going to change. Please try and understand."
"I understand perfectly. I understand that you, once again, have made assumptions about what I want, need and/or expect. I am done trying to prove myself to you."
She started walking away, but Sandy didn't want it to end like this. "Kirsten..."
"Don't Sandy." She used his own words to wound him. "You're probably right. We don't belong together. It's just easier this way. I'll see you back at school." She put her head down and walked away from him, feeling completely defeated.
Sandy wished that didn't happen, but deep down believed it to be for the best. Her father would never accept him. His mother would never accept her, not that she had a clue about that. He didn't want to subject her to that. A part of him, even still, believed that she would only want to be with him to piss off her father. Her feelings couldn't compare to the level his were rising to. He had to put a stop to it before he spent the months following in a deep depression.
Both Sandy and Kirsten went through the next few weeks in a daze. Kirsten was back in Newport for only two days before she flew back to Berkeley. As she sat in the leather seats of her father's jet, she thought, for what felt like the millionth time since the dingy hallway in the Bronx, about Sandy. She looked around her and knew she could do without all of this. She loved Berkeley, didn't she? She didn't need the luxuries that usually followed around her surname.
The middle of JanuaryShe worked at the gallery more than she expected which was a good thing. It gave her less time to think about her disastrous holiday break. Classes would be starting soon and she looked forward to starting a new semester, a fresh start. Emily and Allison would be back soon and things could go back to normal. The normal she knew before Sandy Cohen waltzed into her life.
Sandy left New York dreading coming back to Berkeley. It was the first time since he started college that he felt this way. He didn't want to face her. He thought, after their last conversation, he would be able to miraculously wipe her from his memory. That wasn't the case. It only made him miss her more. This inner struggle was going to kill him if things didn't somehow get better.
Classes had started and Kirsten and Sandy had yet to see each other. Sandy guessed their class schedule did not comply to mid-afternoon campus meetings. Little did he know, she was actively avoiding him. She told herself it would be easier this way. A part of her hated to admit it but she knew he was right. She knew both of their feelings were getting too involved and they would just get hurt in the end. She just hated how it felt when they were together.
First Friday - New Semester"You have to come!" Emily was pleading with Kirsten to make her way out to The Black Oak. "You can't hide from him forever." Emily knew that was her current plan and it wasn't going to work. She heard about what happened in New York and formed her own opinions.
"I know. I just don't want to face him. I think it is easier for me not to see him. Out of sight, out of mind theory, ya know?"
"If you think I believe he has been out of your mind, you are more delusional than I thought."
"What's my choice, Em?" She sharply said.
"You can choose to come with me and take the first step toward closure. You will never get it from hiding."
Kirsten knew she had to go although knew it would disastrous. She knew he would be there and they would have to talk. Sandy was a talker and he would want to iron everything out, complying once again to be just friends. She expected Sandy to somehow fix the whole situation since Kirsten was less confrontational. What she saw was something she couldn't have prepared herself.
Sandy was not in his usual spot, leaning up against the middle of the bar. This gave her a little bit of hope that he wasn't there. No such luck! He was in the back corner, in the dim light, his body covered by another girl. Why was she surprised? This is what she should have expected. He is Sandy Cohen. She couldn't help but watch his hands move around her back and she kissed him. She didn't recognize the girl, but she could only imagine that they just met. When he pulled back from the girl, Kirsten noticed the glazed look in his eyes. He was wasted!
"Kirsten?" She turned around and was faced with much kinder, more sober eyes.
"Hey Michael. How are you?" She still felt bad about what happened between them, especially now watching Sandy.
He looked over to what Kirsten was watching and sighed. "I just don't get you two."
"That makes two of us." She smiled at him, knowing he understood.
"How about a drink?"
Sandy spotted her through blurry eyes at the bar with Michael. When did she get here? He hoped she was moving on and giving Michael another chance. He realized he was suddenly by himself and made his way over to them. On his journey over, he was blocked by Trevor. "Hey man. Where do you think you're going?"
"I was going to get a drink." He could feel the sense of Trevor blocking his way. "Let me by."
"No way, man. Let Michael have his piece and if he doesn't close the deal, which he probably won't, I will. You blew it."
Sandy was so mad that he wasn't thinking clearly. He shoved Trevor hard, turning a few heads, including Kirsten. Paul made his way over and tried to get Sandy to calm down and get rid of Trevor for the time being.
"Hey man. Let's get out of here. We can bring the party back to our place, maybe get a card game going." Paul wanted to do anything to get out of the bar. They all loved this place and didn't need anyone to get banned.
Sandy smiled lazily and agreed, forgetting his anger, enjoying the idea of partying at his place. "Okay." He started shuffling to the door, waving Trevor on, forgetting his earlier words. "How about a little poker, guys?" He looked over at Michael and Kirsten before saying, "Excuse me, ladies are welcome too."
Kirsten rolled her eyes, laughing at how drunk he was. Sandy always did make awkward situations more comfortable. He broke the ice by being drunk, although she didn't enjoy watching him get mauled by some slut.
"Want to come? It will be entertaining, if not anything else." Michael knew she couldn't pass that offer up.
"Sure, but I feel the need to catch up. Want to hang here for a bit and do a shot or two?" Kirsten knew he couldn't pass that offer up.
About an hour later, Kirsten and Michael walked back to the house. Emily and Paul were snuggled on the couch, smoking a joint and laughing. The rest of the voices were coming from the kitchen so Kirsten started making her way over there with Michael in tow. She stumbled over her own feet when Emily caught her action. "Kirsten, are you alright?"
She starting laughing uncontrollably and Michael followed. They were oblivious and couldn't stop, tears rolling down their faces. "I'm fine", she finally got out.
She continued to the kitchen and noticed there was a game of poker going on, but the pile of clothes in the center of the table told her this was no ordinary game. There were three slutty looking girls around the table, sitting their in just their bras. One was in the middle a taking off her pants. Trevor was amongst the players, in just his boxers and Sandy had no shirt on.
"Kirsten, your way too overdressed. Grab a chair and play." He winked and Kirsten cringed on the inside. He was so sleezy, she thought.
Sandy was much more sober, not drinking anything from when he left the bar, not wanting to pass out. He saw her come in with Michael wondering how long the two of them have been hiding from him yet again. He let it go, knowing he had no right to critcize anyone. He put his head down shuffling the cards getting ready for the next game. "Leave her alone Trevor."
Trevor ignored him. "Michael, join in. We definitely need more guys."
Michael looked at Kirsten wanting her to decide for him whether he should play or not. "Don't look at me. Their your pants!" She smiled at him, hoping he would play, indicating to Sandy that she was okay with anything.
Michael sat down at the last available chair, but Trevor would not give up. "What do you say Kirsten?"
"Trevor, she doesn't want to play. Leave her alone." Sandy didn't want her to play because he couldn't watch these guys gawking at her. He also didn't need any visual of Kirsten that reminded him of that fateful night back in December.
"I didn't know Kirsten needed someone to speak for her."
Kirsten didn't want this to go any further. Everyone in the room can feel the tension and the testosterone between Michael and Sandy. "You know what, deal me in."
Sandy's head shot up and he gave her this incredulous look. "What are you doing?"
"Why are you the only one that is allowed to have fun?"
She looked around for a chair, when the girl with no pants on spoke up. "Here, take my chair. I'll just sit here." She took her place on Sandy's lap and he knew not what to do except keep his hands on the deck of cards.
"You're obviously drunk." He pointed out the obvious, hoping she would realize that she was not in the right frame of mind to play. He didn't want to see her take off her clothes in front of anyone. He knew he couldn't handle this. He had to get out of there.
"Maybe. But don't underestimate my card abilities."
"Well, I'll take that challenge." Trevor was looking forward to seeing her take off anything.
Sandy pushed his chair backwards. "Excuse me." He said it to the girl on his lap. "I'm out guys."
"Where are you going? There is a half naked girl on your lap. Can't handle it?"
"Cohen, it sounds like she is challenging you!" Trevor loved pushing his buttons.
"Whatever." He walked out of the kitchen, through the living room past Paul and Emily, and out the front door. Kirsten excused herself, ignoring the pleas from Trevor to stay and followed Sandy outside.
"What is your problem? You have no right acting the way you are right now!" Kirsten was fuming, but her words were fueled, once again, by alcohol. If she was sober, she would have never confronted him.
"I know." He said it softly and she barely heard him.
"Well explain yourself even though you don't deserve the chance."
"I can't."
"All of a sudden you have nothing to say? That's a change of pace."
"I can't watch you take off your clothes in front of other guys. It's not you and honestly, it makes me sick."
"But I have to be okay with you getting mauled by that whore in the middle of the bar? That's not fair Sandy."
"You know what's not fair? That I have been doing everything in my power to forget you. Do you have any idea how many girls I have met since I have been back here? Not one of them makes me forget you. I know logically we can't be together, but emotionally? I don't know how to make that happen."
"You can't have it both ways, Sandy. You can't not want me, but not want anyone else to have me. It doesn't work that way."
"I know." There was a silence and she could tell that he was thinking of what to say next. She waited him out and sure enough he spoke again. "I want to ask you something, but I need you complete honesty and I promise this is the last time I will ask."
"You probably don't deserve this either, but okay."
"What is it with you and Jimmy? And don't say nothing! I want a real answer."
"Where did that come from?"
"Just answer me for my own sanity."
"Nothing. We have a history that cannot be ignored or forgotten, but that's it."
"Good."
"I'm gonna go." She walked toward the door and called to Emily that she was going home. Emily said she would go back with her wanting to make sure she was alright. As Kirsten waited on the porch with Sandy, she had to get the last word in. "I'm going to give you one more chance to stop thinking."
--
Please be kind. I know this was a bit boring!