Writer's note:
Finally, another chapter done! I hope you like this. Sorry to spend another chapter on the relationship between Fuji and Atobe, but they are so sweet together…I can't bear to break them up.
Chapter Nine
Slowly turning the photograph around, Fuji forced himself to focus his eyes on the man that had caused Atobe so much pain, the man that he was supposed to have once loved. A pair of bespectacled blue eyes met his own; the sharply beautiful face of an unsmiling young man greeted him. The man in the picture, he was no more than seventeen, his face was expressionless and stoic, calm elegance and assurance lay in his features.
Something stirred within Fuji, the face, the face he sometimes saw in his dreams, in the snippets of memories that appeared out of nowhere, the flashes that made his head hurt whenever he had tried to pursue them further.
"Tezuka"
He mouthed the name once more, trying hard to match the name with the man he saw in the photo. It fitted him somehow, calm and rational, unreadable yet somehow assuring and powerful. It was not hard to believe that he had once love this man, the stoic kindness and calm intelligence he saw in the face drew him even now. Feelings that he never new existed sprung alive, feelings that he couldn't recognise as his own, emotions that belonged to another time and era.
"What was he like?"
He wanted to ask Atobe, but found himself swallowing the words before they reached his lips. He knew the answer somehow, deep in his heart; he had a feeling that this was a man that mere words, no matter how beautiful, could not describe fully.
He settled instead for the other question that gnawed at him constantly.
"How deep was our love?"
His voice was soft yet firm when he spoke, for he felt in a strange way that the strong feelings he had for Tezuka in the past might bring back his lost memories. He believed that the pain of Tezuka's death was buried deep within him and only by exposing it, could he share Atobe's burden.
No answer came for a long time, as both men sat staring motionlessly at the table, faced with the knowledge that Atobe's answer might destroy the peace they now held. Yet, both knew than an answer could not be avoided, both men understood that this moment will one day come since the day Fuji woke up.
"You loved him enough to die for him."
His voice was calm and soft when he finally spoke, serenity passed his face for a moment, as if it was an answer that had just strike him. The words were nothing more than a whisper, but seemed clear and loud. He wanted to laugh and cry as the magnitude of his emotions strike him, as did the irony of the fact that he could barely remember the face of someone he once loved enough to die for.
Atobe opened his mouth, as if to continue further, but he merely sat silently, forgetting his audience as he sat lose in his thoughts and realisations. At the same moment that he spoke, Atobe had realised that he did not deserve to love Tezuka; he was far too vain and selfish to deserve anything so sweet.
He admired Fuji more than anything at that moment, for he realised that Fuji was the one who deserved Tezuka's love, for he was the one he was willing to give up life and everything it meant to him, to be with Tezuka eternally. He envied Fuji, for the former tensai was able to love fearlessly, to confront death with courage, when he could only bear to grieve silently.
He thought constantly of death initially, confronting the possibilities of killing himself for thousand of times. Yet, he never found the courage to depart life, for deep within him, he believed that happiness was not to be found in death. He believed rather, that memories would be lost in death, that once dead, he would be nothing more than a cold, still body, an empty shell, unable to miss and continue to love Tezuka. He couldn't bear the thought of that; he wanted his memories, both sweet and bitter, to be with him, always.
He was selfish, he wanted to live; he wanted Tezuka to live in his memories, to be with him always, but he refused to join him in death. He had no right to claim a love so pure and sweet as his own, to claim the heart of an angel. He knew then that he had to confess, to ask Fuji for his forgiveness, a forgiveness he did not deserve, but he had to try, for his sake, and for Fuji's.
"I'm sorry."
His voice was hesitant and soft when he spoke, fraught with regret and guilt.
The uncomprehending blue eyes stared back at him, trying to decipher the meaning of his words. Atobe remembered then that Fuji had no idea of what happened in the past that caused his guilt, and he knew that it was his duty to tell him. His voice was tired and resigned as he started to speak, allowing the haunting guilt to wash over him.
"Atobe, this is Yuushi, come to the hospital now."
The urgent phone call from his closest friend jerked Atobe out of his painful reverie, as he sat in bed grieving over his loss. The hospital, he hated that place, he never wanted to go back again, it stunk with the stench of death and loss, echoing pain and despair.
But Yuushi sounded urgent; maybe he was injured. Nothing mattered anymore to Atobe, but he knew he had to be there for Oshitari. Dragging himself of the bed, he dressed reluctantly and made his way to the hospital.
The anxious face of Oshitari Yuushi met him outside the white frowning building. The words that came were unexpected and filled with sympathy.
"Fuji Syusuke, he is injured."
Atobe instantly jerked awake, he didn't know the tensai well, but the pain he saw on the tensai's face that night was etched in his mind and he knew only too well the enormous grief that Fuji must have suffered, the grief he had brought about.
"What happened?"
His voice shook as he asked.
"He drove right into a tree. And…"
The reply was hesitant.
"And?"
"The police confirmed it wasn't an accident, it was attempted suicide; he couldn't take the grief and rammed his car into a tree. I found out from his brother when we met at the public tennis courts"
The last piece of information was unnecessary, but Oshitari felt oblige to say more somehow, as if that could lessen the impact of the knowledge that Fuji had attempt to kill himself, that said, he could offer no other words of comfort and watched silently as Atobe stood stunned.
The doctor chose that moment to walk out, his face arranged into a careful mask of appropriate regret.
"We have tried our best, but he is in coma and might never wake up. "
The politely sombre and well-practiced statement was addressed to the Fuji family that stood a short distance away, but Atobe heard every word. His mind went numb as he slowly registered the information, realising vaguely that Fuji's mother had collapsed weeping with grief and tears were falling openly from his father's eyes.
He remotely thought that it was his fault, but somehow it didn't seem to matter. The image that appeared in his head was not one of a helpless, unconscious Fuji Syusuke, but rather the painfully accusing eyes filled with grief at Tezuka's betrayal.
"Tezuka"
He knew deep within him that Tezuka still felt for Fuji, that the other man would be devastated in any harm befell the tensai. Atobe knew that he could never replace Fuji, and he knew that for Tezuka, he must take care of Fuji. Walking towards Fuji's parents, he bowed respectfully as he made his request, his voice calm and respectful.
"If you don't mind, I would like to send him for treatment overseas."
Beside him, Oshitari shook his head; his voice was soft as spoke.
"Give up Atobe, give up. They are both gone."
But Atobe merely ignored him, choosing not to hear the painful words as he clung to the hope that Fuji might live, together with his memories of Tezuka, after all, he was the only thing that Tezuka had left behind.
The warm tears that fell gently onto his shirt made Atobe stop speaking. All was silent for a moment as Atobe gently reached out to touch Fuji's cheek, wiping the tears gently away with his fingers.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry."
No reply came as Fuji merely continued to weep silently into Atobe's shirt, burying himself in the warmth that was offered. His tears were without cause or reason, falling mindlessly from his eyes. Shock and fear numbed his senses as he tried to deny Atobe's words, but he knew that all was true.
A love so deep that he was willing to die for it, to give up the joy of life merely because the other party could not share it. It just seemed so far away from him, the intensity of those emotions scared him. He wanted to believe he had gotten into a car accident simply because it was an accident, but he knew Atobe was right.
Perhaps it wasn't that impossible after all, he thought about his feelings for Atobe now, he couldn't imagine a life without the other man, the thought of that scared him. If Atobe were to leave him now, then surely life will lose its meaning.
He wanted to embrace Atobe, to tell him that they had to stay together always, but he knew it was not possible. Their relationship will lose its intimate quality once he remembered everything; he knew that the constant guilt in Atobe's eyes was not without reason. Deep down, he knew he might never forgive Atobe for what had happened in the past, that he might spend the rest of his life grieving for the man in the photo.
"Tezuka Kunimitsu"
Closing his eyes, he wrapped his arms around the slender waist and savoured the warmth that engulfed him, wishing that the moment would last forever yet knowing that it wouldn't.
Thanks for reading, comments, good or bad, are most welcomed. Hopes this answers some questions and make the story more logical. Like why is Atobe the person that placed Fuji on life-support and so on? I try to elaborate more on the past as Fuji gets his memory back. (Which will hopefully be in the next chapter?)