Chapter Ten

Staring out of the tainted windows, Fuji allowed himself to be lost in the peaceful image of the calm neighbourhood that seemed warmly familiar to him. His lips curved into a gentle smile at the sight of young children in uniform playing and shouting on the streets, and at the sight of young mother gossiping as they hurriedly hushed their crying infants. It all fitted somehow, a serene place filled with nothing but the peaceful chaos of family and joy.

"Family."

The idea of having a real family of his own had never occurred to him, it never seemed to matter, not when they were in England. Atobe was the only family he knew, the only person he cared about and who cared for him, the only one he ever needed.

But all that seemed to have changed now; perhaps it was because they were back in Japan, and he knew that he needed to find his family in order to fully trace his past. Yet, deep down, he knew that was merely an excuse, he just wanted to see his family; not for any reason, but just to see the parents who grieved for him, and the brother whose name he did not even remember.

He wondered if they missed him, if they would recognise him, if they even cared that he had returned to see them, for perhaps he would be nothing more than a stranger to them, bonded by blood and nothing else and perhaps he wouldn't really care if they remembered him or not.

Yet, despite the doubts in his mind, the fear of rejection and alienation that occupied his thoughts, he knew he simply had to try, even if he might be turned away not just disappointed but injured. No matter what might happen, his family was part of his part, and he knew the only thing to resolve the nagging doubts in his head was to confront the inevitable.

His reverie was broken the car came to a slow stop, the polite voice of the driver informing him that they had arrived at his destination. Paying the fare and stepping out of the cab, Fuji stood on the pavement for a moment, taking in the calm and peaceful atmosphere of his surroundings.

Forcing himself to focus, he stared hard at the now crumpled piece of paper that he held, reading the unfamiliar address that he had hurriedly copied from his medical file when Atobe was asleep. Running his eyes over the hasty writing once more, he begun to hesitate.

Perhaps he should just turn around and return, pretending that he never knew anything, treasuring his current happiness while it lasted. Yet, something stopped him, the warm afternoon sun against his cheek, the light-hearted sound of children laughing and women chatting away, the thought of home; a place where he truly belonged.

He was filled with a sudden desire to meet his family, the siblings whose names he did not even remember, the parents who once grieved for him. He knew he had to; he owed it to them, and to himself.

Looking around with renewed vigour, he quickly located the correct house, standing in front on the comfortable-looking, middle class, Japanese-style house; he inhaled the fragrant aroma of food cooking. Mustering his courage, he knocked uncertainly on the wooden door.

After a moment, a pretty young woman in her late twenties opened the door, a bright smile on her friendly face, a smile that rapidly faded when she saw Fuji.

The polite smile that Fuji had ready dimmed for a moment, afraid that he had got the wrong house, or perhaps they had moved. He opened his mouth to utter an apology, yet no words came. His eyes were drawn to the delicate features on the face before him, taking in the light brown hair and pale complexion, the features that he saw so often in the mirror. He knew that it was the right house.

"Yumiko, who is it?"

As they stood there staring at each other, an older woman's voice came from the house, warm and motherly. Yumiko opened her mouth, but not a word emerged, instead, she stumbled forward and wrapped her arms around Fuji, hugging him tightly as if afraid to let go.

The sudden gesture took Fuji by surprise, yet he did not struggle, but instead surrendered to the warmth of her embrace. Feeling a warm wetness on his neck, he realised that she was weeping silently against his shoulder. He wanted to put his arms around her and comfort her, but he could not move, standing still in quiet shock, and in that way, they stood for a long time.

Yumiko recovered first, releasing him, and leading him towards the house.

Entering the house, he allowed the cosy atmosphere within to engulf him, it was not spacious, but small reminders of it being a cosy home peered out from every corner, the pictures on the wall, the photos displayed on table-tops, the aroma of food and old furniture, they all added to the familiar feeling of home.

Lost in the overwhelming warmth of the house, he hardly noticed as a middle-aged woman made his way towards him, a friendly smile on her lips. Yet, the smile on her face transformed into a soft scream as her eyes met his face, without warning, she collapsed to the ground and begun to weep.

While Yumiko rushed to wrap her arms around the woman and weep with her, a middle-aged man that entered the room behind her merely stood unmoving, making no move to comfort his wife, his eyes never leaving Fuji's face.

They stood there for a long time, no one said anything, and there was nothing to be said. The thousand questions and words that each longed to utter over the years were all lost in the silence of that moment.

After a long while, the older woman stood up and moved slowly towards Fuji. Gathering him in her arms, she held him tightly, gently touching his face as if to see if he was real or merely a vision. When she finally spoke, her words were warm and hesitant.

"Have you had lunch?"

Fuji shook his head slowly.

"Wait. I'll fixed lunch now."

Casting a long look at him, she disappeared into the kitchen.

An awkward silence fell over the room as she left; he stared at the middle-aged man who looked painfully back at him. Finally, Yumiko spoke.

"Do you want to see your room?"

The cheerfulness in her voice was forced, and without waiting for an answer, she pushed him towards the stairs.

"First room on the right."

Going up the stairs and pushing the door open, Fuji found himself standing in the tidy room of a young man, books and tennis magazines were placed neatly on the table, alongside family photos and photos of a young Fuji Syuuske. The bed was clean and made, an old computer stood at once side of the room and a row of cactuses adorned the windowsill. It certainly did not look like a place that had lain unoccupied for six years. Standing at the door, he was afraid to step any further, afraid that it might disturb the serene aura of the room, and stood there just gazing at everything, lost in his thoughts.

Suddenly, he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder, Yumiko.

"Lunch is ready."

Following her down the steps, he stepped into a small dining room beside the kitchen that was as colourful and clean as the rest of the house. The couple he now knew were his parents were already seated and Yumiko pointed him to his place.

Looking at his parents, he silently compared the wrinkled and tired features that now occupied their faces to the blissful joy on their faces that he had seen in the family photos in the room. Guilt filled him instantly for he knew deep down that it was all his fault, he was the one who had attempted suicide and put them through the years of pain and sorrow.

"Sorry."

The words came before he could stop them, he wanted to weep like a child and beg their forgiveness, but he was a child no longer, and he knew he had no right to seek the convenient escape of crying, or even to ask their forgiveness, but he had to try.

No one spoke for a long while, then his mother nodded slowly, while his father reached over and tapped him firmly on the shoulder. The tender joy was mirrored in both pairs of eyes, Fuji knew then that he was forgiven, granted a privilege he did not deserve.

The words flow easily after that, the pain of the years seemed forgotten as the family chatted joyfully about everything, laughing and sharing, it was just like any other family meal, as if no one had ever been absent.

The joyful hours flew passed and it was soon time for Fuji to leave, and they let him go without tears or words of sorrow, but only with the promise that he will return next day, a promise that he knew he would keep.

Looking at the quiet streets of the city as the evening sun cast a dull shade of orange over the roads, he reflected upon the happenings of the day. He never expected it to be so simple; to find his family and to fit in so quickly; it was almost like he had never left, like things had never changed, like he was still the carefree youth that smiled at him from the countless photos.

Yet, he knew at the same time that things had indeed changed, they had changed so much, the past was hardly recognisable, perhaps it was because he had lost his memory, but he knew that things had changed not merely for him, but also for the family that he had just met, and surely for Atobe.

"Keigo."

His mind wandered back to the other, surely he must have been a carefree youth at one point, unburdened by the fragility of life and the horror of death, surely there was a point when the clear grey eyes had been filled with hope and joy, free of pain and sorrow.

A sudden hope filled his heart as a sudden thought entered his head. His parents had forgive him for the sorrow he brought them, he knew it was because they loved him far too much, he could see the love in their eyes with every glance and word. He knew too, that his feelings for Atobe were as real as their love, and he promised himself that no matter what happened, he would forgive the other man.

Perhaps then, he could restore the light to Atobe's eyes, to help him live a life separate from the past, to help him accept what had happened and leave the pain behind. Then, perhaps, they could always be together, free from the clutches of past memories.

Allowing his worries to fall away, a gentle smile crossed his lips as he thought about how he would get Atobe to visit his family with him the next day. He had wanted to keep from the other man initially, but he knew now that there could not be any secrets between them. He wanted to share all the joys and thoughts he had with Atobe, to treasure him for as long as he could.

End Chapter 10

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