He kissed me, hard, and his skin was stubbly and rough against my cheek. My first thought was, I guess he didn't have time to shave this morning, and then— I gently pushed him away.

Jeremiah looked dazed and was breathing heavily. "Belly," he said, and his voice was foggy. He didn't say anything else, just my name.

"Do you still—" Care. Think about me. Want me.

Roughly, he said, "Yes. Yes, I still."

-- (Jenny Han, It's Not Summer Without You)

"I can't. I'm sorry, Jere, but I can't."

He abruptly got out of the car and slammed the door.

I could feel the tears build behind my eyes. I felt ashamed that I couldn't give him what he wanted, what he deserved. I momentarily considered what my life would look like with Jeremiah as a boyfriend. There would so much laughter. It would be so easy. But my heart didn't belong to him. Not in the way that mattered. Not in the way he needed it to.

Jeremiah was sat on a park bench, bent over with his head in his hands. I took a deep breath and got out of the car.

As I approached Jeremiah looked up

"i just- I just don't get it Belly. You guys already tried." He said in one breath.

"And, It didn't work out. He hurt you. Just like I said he would. And I've loved you this whole time". Jeremiah threw his head back and looked up to the sky as he let out a deep breath.

I sat on the bench next to him and grabbed his hand.

"I've loved you this whole time too! You know I love you. But I can't love you like that. Everything is just too messy right now. We're all still grieving and I don't want to give you more than I'm prepared to give, because you'll just end up hurt."

With his head titled back into the sun, he said "Do you still love Conrad? After everything. Do you still love him?"

"I think there's a small part of me that will always love him. But I love you too Jere, there's space for you"

"Just not in the same way right?" Jeremiah finally looked at me.

"No, not in the same way. But that doesn't mean I won't always be here for you".

Conrad approached us, with less energy than before, but I assumed he was just drained.

"How'd you go?" I asked

Before Conrad even had a chance to respond, Jeremiah stood up and shouldered past him.

"I'm going for a walk", he muttered.

Conrad took Jeremiah's place on the bench next to me.

"What's his problem?" He asked.

I looked sideways at Conrad and let out the breath I'd been holding. I decided to dodge the question.

"So are you going to tell me about the exam?", I laughed awkwardly.

"I passed. I think. All thanks to you. Thank you Belly, for everything."

My heart smiled.

Conrad's phone rang. It was Jeremiah. They had a brief conversation and then the call was over.

"Jere's staying with a friend tonight. C'mon let's get you home".

As we were driving, I wound down the window and let the sound of the wind distract me for a while.

I put the window up when I heard Conrad say something.

"What?" I shouted, momentarily disoriented.

Conrad laughed and then asked lightheartedly, "Are you going to tell me why Jere was so angry earlier?"

"He kissed me."

Conrad shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

I watched his face, trying to get a read of how he felt.

"I told him I Ioved him-" Conrad eyes flashed with hurt.

"- but not in a way that involves kissing." I finished.

"He'll get over it, Belly. It'll take him some time though", he said softly.

It was dark out and we were about an hour away from my hometown. After my stomach grumbled for the 13th time, Conrad pulled over.

"Let's get some dinner, I can hear how hungry you are", he laughed.

"I would die for some pizza" I admitted.

- To Be Continued