Bored with life
Chapter Three: I'm still here
Kikyo56: The Following chapter goes out to my friend Brook, I hope in some messed up way this helps.
Since I didn't stand out much at school, I didn't ever have to worry about getting in a fight. No one hated me, or liked me. Inuyasha stood out, popular and demanding for attention, but not me. I was just that girl that stood beside him, that girl who just a phase. That's all I ever was, and I didn't know if that made me happy or unhappy.
Sango was different too. Every girl hated her, and insults were common ground. But this was all done behind her back, no one wanted to think what friends that creepy bitch might have, and the crazy friend was I. I never said I was the only one; I liked the fact that Sango could produce that much fear without ever really doing much. I never thought for a second anyone would hate me for hanging around her.
It was around lunchtime and Sango made a habit of sneaking off too bum a smoke off some random person in the street, so I ate alone for about twenty minutes. As I bit into my other piece of sushi about five girls stood around me, the leader of the pack a little closer. "Yes?" I asked and one of the girls grabbed my hair, pulling me upwards.
Fear struck me hard, I was frozen. What do I do? What if they stab me? What if they know other people and I fight back and they make it worse? Do I act like its really hurting me, or do I try and scare them? How do I scare a group of girls when I'm some loner!? "So you're hanging around with Sango huh?" The leader said, grabbing a chunk of free hair. "That bitch stole 2000 yen from me before!" "The cunt tried to fight me before" "She is fucking whore" One after another I took in lies, or truths.
"SO?" I screamed and grabbed her hand, pulling it along with my hair. Tears sprung into my eyes due to the pain of it, but I didn't let them see that. "SO?" The girl on the left screamed and slapped me across the face "So we kick the ass of every and anyone who hangs around her!" She yelled. "KICK HER ASS!" I screamed and punched something but hair was in my eyes along with some salty water so I couldn't see what I punched.
Suddenly I fell to the ground and a hand was on my shoulder, and Sango's voice came to me "Yah you better run you little bitches!" I sat up and rubbed my head, my hair was tangled and the spots that were pulled were hot and burned. "Was that your first time ever getting your ass kicked, girl?" She asked and offered her hand. I hated her at that moment, so I slapped her hand away. "Hey, come now, you can't tell me you are going to let THEM get to you" Sango said, grinning at me.
I didn't want to say I had never been in a fight, as if it were something to be ashamed of, so I just smiled and stood up. "Sorry, spur of the moment" I said and rubbed the back of my head. "Hey, wanna skip the rest of school?" She asked and picked up the one piece of sushi that hadn't been on the ground and ate. "Sure" I said and threw my bag over my shoulder. Personally I wanted to say no, I needed to go to math since I was never really good at it, but Sango seemed the safest person to be around right now.
We walked down the main roads, stopping to stare at the Gothic Lolita dresses that stood boldly and beckoned me to them. I ran my fingers across the pane of glass and turn to Sango to tell how if I'd own that I wear it out everyday, not caring is some may consider it over done. Sango patted my back and laughed, saying I was coming along nicely.
We sat alone in a park now, staring at the sky as it darkened. We didn't say anything for a while, in deep thought about life. "Do you really hate life, Kikyou?" Sango asked, turning to me with half glassy eyes. I had Inuyasha, and he treated me like a queen but I didn't love him. Not in the same way. I couldn't feel anything strong for him, and if he left me now I don't think I'd really care.
I didn't care about anyone aside from Sango now; everyone had their own agenda and they all were going to pass me by some day. I would live, I would die and I would be forgotten. "Yah, I think I do. There is no upside to it, only a downside that we stick to for 80 something years. Then, we pass away. That's all it is," I said and blinked, these words that would get to most didn't brother me. It's all true, so why should I live in a lie? Sango nodded and looked upwards. "Those socks doesn't hide those scars" She said and I looked towards my leg, my gut dropping a little.
"I don't care, I only did it once" I said and leaned on the cold metal poll. "Bet it felt good" Sango said and started to roll back her sleeve, more cuts then I could count under the fabric, she was wrong, it did at the time but I felt terrible for doing it. "I like looking at these, I don't know why, but its comforting" She said and closed her eyes, smiling. Just looking at that made my gut drop, and my throat close. She took out another smoke and lit it up, staring into the sky. It was a depressing day out, the sky black like blue, the clouds covering and hiding every bit of light and it seemed like rain would start any minute. "Well, do you wanna die Kikyou? Hmm? We could do it, us together" She said, leaning in close to me. She pulled out a pocket razor, showing me.
I shook me head, trying to play it off as if she was joking, trying to convince her she was, but it didn't work. "Kikyou, why don't we? What have we got to lose?" She asked, placed the razor to her wrist. Suddenly it hit me, full force, something I should have been thinking all along but didn't. I grabbed the razor, snatching it out of her hand, standing up. "You shouldn't even think this!" I yelled and she stared at me hate in her eyes.
"Don't you want Kohaku back? Have you forgotten about him?" I said and she gasped, shaking a little. "Shut up" She said and I shook my head again, slowly. "No Sango, listen. How do you think you'll ever get him back with those scars? They won't hand over a child to someone who is trying to kill themselves. You should show how to be strong, how to over come the odds, not give in" I snapped.
"Where the hell is this all coming from! You hated life a second ago!" She yelled, standing up. "Your mother treats you like crap and your father left you, you cut yourself and act like you hate life soooo much, then turn it on me like I'm the bad person!?" She screamed, her hands balled into fists. I thought for a second, staring over the razor which must have been sharpened the night before. "Yah my mom takes a lot of her anger out on me for what dad did, but I guess I remind her of dad. Dad is a asshole and should be treated like trash, but why should I ruin my life over that? I only cut myself once, and I'll never do it again. It was stupid thing, and I shouldn't look up to you for that. I don't think I ever hated life, I just didn't like it much. I thought all this would help, but good comes out of this?" I asked holding up the razor.
Sango is glaring at me now, I can tell any respect she had for me is gone. "You just put on a show, you're a bitch! Why keep living life when all it is is black?" She asks, grabbing the razor out of my hand.
"Because Sango, I'll keep living for the hope and so called 'promised happiness', even if it never comes".
After that Sango never talked to me again, a year passed and me and Inuyasha stayed together, but we still haven't married. He never asked why I was depressed, or why I didn't want to marry him, he understood. Kagome and me never really became friends, but all three of us are able to hang out and have fun. Later that year Sango killed herself by jumping from a building, she left a 'last wish' which was to have it appear somewhere in the newspaper, it appeared on page 123. In the end, I was reunited with Keade years later, and she said she missed me everyday. I don't think I'll ever become like Sango, but that's not to say I don't still fight depression, every month is a new struggle. But I live on, I'm still here.
'If you were right and I was wrong,
why are you the one whos gone, and
I'm still here?'
Lyrics: I'm still here
Band: Vertical Horizon.