Transition

Ennis walked alone through the forest, not deep in the mountains like he and Jack used to go, but lower…not really that far from the road. They had all come in four-wheel drive SUVs so not a problem to get up this far. He mumbled under his breath, cussing softly to himself. How did he let all the younguns talk him into coming out here? He knew the answer though. He could deny his grandkids nothing…even this. They had ganged up on him, one by one and in packs for weeks, to get him to take this trip. He had fought hard and resisted their attempts more for the game itself than for his need to stay away. It had become too hard over the years to see the mountains and forests and not be reminded of Jack.

It was his 60th birthday. He had not been able to go to the mountains for some years now. Arthritis had set in from his life of hard work and he had been diagnosed with high blood pressure two years before. He hadn't been on a horse for a couple of years now. He was on medication but it had taken Alma Jr. and Francine no small amount of trouble to get their father to take it. Alma Jr. had also talked to her father, often, about going to see someone…to talk to someone…maybe getting some help for this lifetime of sadness and loss that she saw her father carry everywhere he went. He would just smile at her, pat her on her cheek and tell her that it was alright…"no need to bother another soul with my problems."

They were all here…his daughters and their husbands along with the five grandkids, all teenagers now. They were a handful and knew that they could get there granddad to come up here if they just persisted. They loved their grandfather, as his daughters did, and mysteriously had always known just how to deal with Ennis…how to patiently work past the pain and sadness to find a smile or a laugh that they could tease out of him. He loved his children and their children as much as he could given his heart was always somewhere else…with someone else…and truly enjoyed the time he could spend with them – these little lights in his life.

He walked…not too far from where everyone was setting up the folding tables and chairs, laying out the food and the cake. He told them he just needed a moment. He had been more tired than usual the last week or so and knew that he couldn't walk far. He would often wake and lie in bed far longer than he would have in the recent past. He had been feeling a tightening in his chest but told no one thinking it would pass…that it really was nothing but his advancing age and his hard life. He hadn't walked far when he found himself short of breath and thought that he should probably sit for a moment. There was a small clearing ahead with a view of the mountains and the clear blue sky. He sat on the ground and rested against an old log. He looked out to the mountains but was not one to see the beauty in things like this and, Lord knows, Jack had tried, often and without much success, to show this side of nature to him.

He had felt Jack closer to him lately than in many years. In his dreams, they talked…about what Ennis could never remember but knew that he was there every night. During the day, he would catch himself looking around as if Jack had called him, or turning at a familiar touch on his shoulder. Jack was very present for Ennis these days. It pained him to have Jack so close and yet so far away…but at the same time, it stirred the old feelings in him and caused a warm fire to glow inside that had been ashes for so many, many years now.

Ennis felt so tired now…it was harder to keep his eyes open. The doctor had said he needed to slow down but he kept working hard as he always had. He probably shouldn't have walked off like this. He was annoyed at the tightness of his chest. Would that ever ease up? Ennis slid down the log and rested his head on it closing his eyes for a moment…just a moment to rest. Just a moment to remember Jack…

Ennis' eyes opened lazily. He looked up and saw the blazing white of the snow on the mountains, a hawk silently soaring over the forest, the deep green of the trees laid out like carpet before him the crystal clear blue of the sky. He thought to himself how Jack would have liked it here…all this beauty to take in. He wondered why he hadn't seen this before…it was right there…and how many times had Jack tried to show him. He seemed to be feeling better but didn't want to move. A soothing feeling of being at ease had engulfed him. He closed his eyes for a moment.

Ennis, laying in the clearing resting on the log, looked peaceful and at ease. But that was just an illusion. His breathing had become shallow and his skin pale…he was sweating and his body would occasionally spasm with pain. He was losing consciousness.

He thought he heard someone call his name…like from a great distance. He struggled to open his eyes…he knew that voice. Once open he shielded his eyes from the brightness of the world around him. Everything seemed to jump out at him and ask to be looked upon and appreciated. Life was rampant around him. He felt a golden warmth course through him.

He heard someone call his name again, this time close and very soft…a voice filled with care and familliarity. He felt a hand softly brush the hair from his forehead. It didn't startle him. It seemed…right . The touch sent a fire of remembered intimacy coursing through him and his pain, sorrow and loss began to ease and soften. "Ennis." His name was called again…softly. He turned to look to his left and saw that his head was resting on someone's lap. He looked up and in the moment that he met Jack's eyes, all that had gone before since Jack's death vanished. There was only Jack and Ennis in this world of life and beauty and peace. "Little darlin'," now came easily to Ennis' lips.

Ennis' body stiffened as the first pulse of pain arced through his left arm and his heart spasmed…

Ennis sat up feeling strong and vibrant like the world around him. He turned, suddenly remembering that he had just seen Jack…not in a dream like he had been coming to Ennis but real, solid, living. He heard his name called again…"Ennis"… and got up, turning to see Jack, his Jack, standing a short distance away watching him…a smile like none Ennis had ever seen Jack smile before. It was Jack…in every way that Ennis remembered…but even more so. Ennis could feel the love Jack had for him radiating like the sun on a summer day. He felt the years of darkness without Jack disappear leaving only and forever his love for Jack. Ennis walked toward Jack and with each step felt his being expand and fill the world around him.

His breathing had begun to slow, his heart stopping…the life of the body ending.

He reached Jack and looking in his eyes saw all the love that he had denied himself and Jack all those years ago. But now, there was no reason for Ennis to deny anymore. "Jack.." Ennis found that there really was no need to speak. He loved Jack and that was clear to him now. He loved him with everything that he had within him and knew that Jack loved him the same. He reached up and laid his hand on Jack's face. The touch was electric. Ennis felt the boundaries of his self beginning to dissolve. Jack's hand came to rest softly on Ennis' and with that there was no longer Ennis or Jack but two souls who had loved each other for eternity…who had met for awhile in the world…lessons to be learned…and were now free to be one in all ways...to love as they had been created to.