Freedom

Ennis had been working on his truck when he caught sight of Kurt and Alma, Jr. coming down the road to the trailer in the brand new truck they had just bought. Kurt had done well for himself and, with Alma, Jr. working, had managed to put aside a sizable nest egg. It was a cold, grey day…the wind blowing steadily, clouds covering the sky. Ennis forgot all about that as his daughter and son-in-law pulled up the dirt driveway to the trailer.

"Hey, Daddy!" Alma said as she waved from the truck.

"Hey, darlin'," Ennis replied…always happy to see his daughter.

Alma, Junior was the one, true spot of brightness in his life…actually Alma and Kurt together. Her visits, her smile, her love for Ennis had kept him from drowning in the darkness and despair after Jack's death. He had shut himself down but she had forced her way into his life and now, at 25, had become a major reason for Ennis to continue, to keep him from looking at the vast emptiness that surrounded him.

She had seen the sudden and dreadful fall he had taken a few years back. For weeks he was either gone who knows where or he wouldn't answer when she came to the trailer. She had decided that she couldn't lose him now after their relationship had taken off so well.

Her father didn't know but she had put his fall into depression and the end of his fishing trips together and knew it had something to do with Mr. Twist. That plus things her mother had said over the years and she had come up with a reasonable understanding of what had happened…and what had been. After all, she was from a generation a bit more enlightened than his and she was not particularly shocked by this information. Her father had loved someone who now was gone and that was all that was important.

Kurt had become to Ennis more than just a son-in-law. Ennis had been concerned that Kurt was like other men he had known in his life and would not do Alma right so had been distrustful of him for a couple of years. But it had become clear to Ennis that Kurt did truly love Alma, Jr. and always treated her with respect. He had relented and allowed himself to like the man. Ennis saw him more now as the son he had wanted. Kurt was a big man, 6' 4", strong, and likable. He laughed a lot, talked a lot, and was very phycical with those he was close to. He never failed to give Ennis a hearty handshake and pat on the back and, once in a fit of excitement, had grabbed Ennis in a bear hug before Ennis knew what was happening. He'd had to check his ribs after to make sure none had broken.

For Kurt, Ennis was the father he had never really had…his father had left when he was young. He had been raised with a mother and two sisters and now enjoyed the attention and example of an older man/father figure in his life. He saw Ennis as straightforward and no-nonsense and respected the hell out of him. You knew where you stood with Ennis and he never let Kurt get away with anything. Kurt loved Ennis. He called him Mr. del Mar (and pronounced it correctly…DEL mar not del MAR), mostly just to rile Ennis up but also because he respected Ennis.

Kurt saw the heavy burden that Ennis carried and felt for this man he had come to know. He and Alma had spoken about Ennis so Kurt had some kind of idea of what Ennis had endured. Kurt, unlike many people in his geographical area, was understanding and accepting of people. This information did not alter his view of Ennis one bit but did make him try at every opportunity to show Ennis support and friendship.

Alma, Jr. jumped from the truck clutching her jacket to her and, reaching her father, gave him a big hug. Kurt had gotten out of the truck by now and grabbed Ennis' hand shaking it heartily.

Ennis was glad to see them both and, though it was a surprise, was happy they had come by. It suddenly didn't seem so cold and overcast.

"What are the two of you doing way out over here? This some kind of holiday I don't know about?" Ennis asked.

"No, Daddy, we was just in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by." Alma said sweetly but with just a touch of mischief in her voice.

"Come on now. There ain't nothing in this neighborhood you'd be here for so what's this all about?" Ennis was not fooled by his daughter and, truthfully, there was no reason for them to be in the neighborhood except to see him.

Alma, Jr.'s smile broadened and she looked over at Kurt who nodded. She ran back to the truck and started pulling out bags and packages. Ennis could only watch mystified as she stumbled over with her spoils.

When Alma, Jr. reached her father, she could barely contain her excitement.

"Daddy, Kurt and I got some things for you and before you start saying anything….well, just don't say anything. You just take a look at what we got you and I hope you can use 'em." Alma, Jr. was trying to forestall any arguments Ennis was going to come up with because she didn't want to have to fight to get him to take these gifts.

"Junior…" was as far as Ennis got because right about then Kurt said,

"Mr. del Mar," in such a way that Ennis turned to him with one eyebrow raised. Kurt had a stern expression on his face that told Ennis he simply needed to accept this…except that he couldn't hold such a face for long and started to smile.

"Daddy, for a long time now I seen you wearing the same clothes day in and out, worn and used up and Kurt and I just decided that we was going to fix that. So we went out and bought you a bunch of new clothes…jeans, shirts, and stuff like that. But before I show you those, I want to give you this one first." And she handed Ennis a big package. He tried to say something but Kurt looked at him again with that look and Alma just stared at him daring him to refuse these gifts given with thoughtfulness and love.

Ennis let out a quiet sigh knowing that there was no chance of his stating his side of things…that he would rather they spend their money on themselves, that he was doing fine just as he was, that he didn't need any handouts. So he walked over to the steps of the trailer with his package and sat down. Ennis started shaking the package like he could figure out what was inside all the time looking at his daughter. "Daddy!" was what he got out of her. Ennis smiled a little at the teasing he had done.

He tore the paper off…this one was wrapped like a present…and uncovered the box underneath. Taking the top off and brushing aside the paper that covered the gift, he found a jacket…a work jacket but an expensive one. Ennis could only stare. He had never had anything this fine and found he was speechless. He looked up at Alma, Jr. who was smiling ear to ear. He looked at Kurt who was watching Ennis with a kind of frown, waiting to hear if Ennis liked his gift. He looked back down because he was tearing up and didn't want the two of them to see. He ran his hand over the fine leather and tried again to say thank you but couldn't get it out. Alma, Jr. saw this and jumped to cover the awkwardness.

"Daddy, try it on." Ennis could only sit there looking at this fine coat. Kurt took the coat and shook it out.

"Come on Mr. del Mar, let's see what ya look like in it." Kurt said holding up the jacket for Ennis.

Ennis got up, took his old, worn jacket off and, looking at Alma then Kurt, stepped over and put his arms in the sleeves. Kurt adjusted the shoulders and stepped back.

"Mighty fine," Kurt said, very pleased.

"You look very handsome, Daddy," Alma said.

Ennis ran his hands down the leather of a sleeve. It was a beautiful piece of work and he was very happy. Still not able to speak without betraying his feelings, he shook Kurt's hand and hugged his daughter. Both knew that he liked the jacket very much and was finding it difficult to say so.

Alma, Jr. was suddenly busy opening more packages. He was thrust into a frenzy of "is that the right size?" and "do you like this color?" They had brought new jeans, shirts, socks, a new pair of work boots…all things that he desperately needed but would never have sprung for or asked for.

When it was all over, Ennis' head spinning from the many new items he had been given, he was finally able to say "thank you," quietly but sincerely to them both. He kissed his daughter and went to shake Kurt's hand but ended up in one of his bear hugs.

Ennis was as happy as he had been in a long time.

Ennis and Kurt had gone over to the new truck. Alma, Jr. said to her father that she was going in to hang up his new clothes. Ennis heard her but didn't grasp at the time what she had said.

As Alma, Jr. entered the trailer she wondered how he managed year after year to live like this. She looked around but couldn't find any place to hang all his new clothes except the closet in the back of the trailer. She put all the packages on the floor and opened the closet door. There on a nail were two shirts – one plaid on the outside, one denim nestled inside the other. There was a postcard of a mountain tacked to the closet door. She touched the shirts respectfully and her eyes began to shine with unshed tears as she realized what they meant…as she knew suddenly that hidden deep inside her father still cared for this man called Twist. Her heart clenched at the pain she knew her father must be enduring but had never shown to anyone. What would she be feeling if she had lost Kurt…the only man she loved or would likely ever love?

Ennis had heard his daughter say she was going in the trailer to hang clothes up but he had been distracted by all the excitement of the gifts and the talk about the new truck with Kurt. A few minutes went by before it occurred to Ennis what Alma, Jr. had said and what it meant. In a flash Ennis realized that the only place Alma could put these items was in the closet…where no one had been before...where his and Jack's shirts hung.

"ALMA, WAIT," he shouted and turned to run to the trailer. Kurt was caught flat-footed and had no clue as to what was happening or how to respond.

Ennis hit the door and it slammed open as he ran inside to stop Alma, Jr. from finding this hidden part of his soul. As he came through the door, Alma, Jr. was standing in front of the open closet, her hand very lightly touching the shirts. Kurt was trying to open the trailer door which had jammed shut as Ennis had rushed in.

"ALMA," he said one more time, though not as forcefully as before…suddenly he had begun to feel weak and nearly unable to stand. He wanted to run and snatch her away from this deep and private part of himself but it was his daughter and he was unable to move. Anyone else he would have killed.

Her eyes kind of sparkly from the beginning of tears, Alma, Jr. turned to her father and politely and respectfully said to him, "You loved him very much, didn't you Daddy?"..

The world around Ennis had begun to shrink into a pinpoint ahead of him, the shirts bulls-eyed in that pinpoint. His fear of others finding out, the shame he felt over loving a man, the guilt of his not protecting Jack, the secret he had kept for so long…all these things now came rushing to the surface. Ennis was shaking and part of his brain remembered that Thanksgiving and the blow up with Alma in the kitchen. He worked to restrain himself from doing anything like he did that day.

Part of Ennis heard that Alma, Jr. had spoken to him without judgment, condemnation, or ridicule. He heard her love for him in her voice. He heard that she knew he was in pain and wanted to help.

He heard the next voice, it couldn't have been his, and wondered who had spoken,

"Yes."

"I remember meeting him, Daddy, at the ranch that time. I've always thought he was a very nice man." She had carefully stepped closer to him seeing the signs of his rage, tears slowly rolling down her face. "I watched the two of you that day when Francine and I met him. I saw how he looked at you, Daddy…I saw how excited he was to see you. I know that he loved you Daddy." She stepped closer.

"Daddy, will you tell me about him?"

Ennis was unable to manage standing any longer, his knees had begun to give on him and, like that last argument with Jack, he crumpled to the ground. Alma tried to catch him but she wasn't strong enough.

Kurt had just managed to get in the door.

"ENNIS!" The first time Kurt had ever called him by his first name. He grabbed Ennis before he and Alma ended up on the floor.

Ennis was sobbing now, uncontrollably. Kurt's face showed his astonishment when he turned to Alma, Jr., but she put her hand on his arm and he kept any comments to himself.

All the feelings Ennis had been holding in for so long, that he had kept so deep all these years had begun to surface. He was adrift and didn't know where to turn. His fear had always been that when his secret was found out, violence would follow. But there was no violence here, no possibility of violence. Only Alma, Jr. talking to him, reassuring him that everything was okay…Kurt holding him, protecting him from any harm. His body's defense to a tire iron had risen up inside but wasn't necessary. The child that had seen the result of violence so long ago cringed now from an impact that wasn't going to come.

Much of what Alma, Jr. was saying was registering with some part of Ennis and he had begun to feel like he was safe…protected in this small trailer with these two people he so loved. The more he realized this, the more his longtime fear of discovery vanished. As his fear vanished, the feelings that he had hidden behind it surfaced…the times in the mountains, his love for Jack, Jack's smile, his laugh, his smell. Most especially those days on Brokeback. All of these things he had pushed down because of fear.

This fear – he had asked Jack once if he thought the people on the streets knew…knew about them, knew that the one love of his life was a man, knew of the love they shared, knew that they needed to die for it. Jack hadn't understood but it haunted Ennis…until now.

With fear evaporating, he saw now that it wasn't the others…no one on the street knew him or cared. They didn't know that he had loved a man more than anyone in his life. They didn't know that he pined for this man every day. They didn't know anything about him!

Then it hit him…so hard he stopped crying, nearly stopped breathing…HE was the one, the only one who had thought the others knew, HE was the one who saw condemnation in everyone else's eyes, HE was the one who saw a tire iron in every hand and HE had been the one to turn Jack away because of his fear. Realizing his fear was HIS fear and belonged to no one else, he chose to let it go.

Suddenly Jack was there, all around him. He was nearly palpable. Ennis could now accept that Jack had meant everything to him and it was okay for him to feel this..to hold his love for Jack in his heart rather than buried deep down inside. It was okay to feel sad, to feel the loss of Jack, to know that he would never be around again. It was okay now to say "Jack, I love you."

He sat up, Alma, Jr. and Kurt backing up some. His tears had stopped. Alma, Jr. had stepped to the sink to get a wet cloth for her father. Kurt had stood up and moved to sit in one of the chairs. Ennis got to his feet and Alma handed him the wet cloth. Ennis wiped his face.

He remembered that he had on his new coat and, very carefully, took it off, went to the closet and hung his coat there. As he turned, he stopped in front of the shirts…which now had new meaning to him…placed a hand for a moment on them both and walked toward Alma, Jr. and Kurt to tell them the story of Jack Twist.