Please be forewarned that this is not a happy ending story………

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To Lose Again

Ennis and Jack were up on Brokeback on a particularly beautiful summer day. The sky was clear, the wind was warm, and the feel of life was everywhere. They were young and Brokeback…the world…belonged to them.

They rode side by side, close, so that they could reach out to touch a thigh or thump one another on the shoulder. They talked of simple things…always conscious that the other gave their undivided attention.

Ennis would watch Jack while they rode…would see him smile and laugh at some joke or turn of a phrase. His blue eyes, his dark hair…that smile, that damn smile…all these things were Jack and Ennis loved each of them.

They had reached a clearing amongst a small grove of trees, the white-capped mountains visible in the distance. The sun, warm but comfortable, sat directly overhead. They would sit for awhile…relax and give the horses a rest.

Ennis eased himself to the grass and leaned against a log. Jack came and, taking his hat off, plopped onto the ground, laying his head in Ennis' lap. Ennis absentmindedly brushed the hair from Jack's forehead with his left hand and placed his right on Jack's heart. He could feel the strong, steady beat…could feel Jack's chest expand with each breath. Jack contentedly chewed on a piece of grass and looked out at the distant mountains. All was quiet…peaceful.

Ennis couldn't have been happier. He had Jack and he had…well, actually having Jack was all there was. He didn't need anything else. So, he sat there with the one, true love of his life and enjoyed the day. Bliss was a good word for what he was feeling.

"Jack." Ennis called his name softly. Jack turned his head to look at Ennis, his blue eyes catching Ennis', drawing the breath right out of his lungs.

"I love you, Jack." Ennis said.

Jack smiled that amazing smile of his and reached up for Ennis' hand on his chest.

Ennis felt like a cold wind had suddenly washed across him carrying dark and unnamed fears. Fears not of this place but….outside.

He looked at Jack. It seemed like the color had drained from him…as well as, Ennis noticed, the world around him. His sense of foreboding grew as the world began to get dark. He looked down for Jack but he was gone. Looking up he saw him standing a short distance away…yet it felt like he was totally out of reach.

The world around him began to shred like some giant monster was rending the sky with its claws, exposing another realm of despair, hopelessness and desolation.

Ennis tried to stand against this assault, to hold it back by sheer will…but his world began to shear and dissolve around him. Nothing he could do would hold this darkness away.

Jack!

Ennis spun. As he leaped for Jack to grab him, to keep him here in this world…his surroundings collapsed completely.

Ennis found himself falling out of bed as, here in reality, he had also reached for Jack. He hit the floor, his chin bouncing off the stained and warped tile of the old, worn trailer. He slid completely out of the bed and lay there, limply…no strength, broken and worn.

He wasn't able to get up. He just lay there sobbing, no tears…no more tears to shed… as once again Jack had been taken from him. He curled up in the sheet that had followed him to the floor feeling the despair, hopelessness and desolation that had overwhelmed him in his dream…the real feelings that he had to live with day to day.

Nothing had changed for him in the years after Jack's death. He had been unable to regain any sort of happiness. He hadn't the strength to repair the devastation that the loss of Jack had brought.

Without Jack he had no way to navigate in the world. He was left adrift with only half of himself alive.

He lay there praying that the next time he saw Jack, there would be no losing him again.