This is a revisited, revised and expanded version of the previous story "Turn Around".

Turn Around II

Ennis was walking down the road, bag slung over his shoulder. It was a nice day out, cool, sunny, wind blowing as always. Inside Ennis' mind and heart it was a completely different situation.

A fire of guilt and self-hatred burned inside him. Angry pointy thoughts played along his nerves. He could barely see ahead of him and wasn't actually sure if he was walking straight. He couldn't be sure he was even walking in the right direction anymore.

Jack had just driven away, his truck still visible as a dot near the horizon, and all he had been able to say to him was, "Well, guess I'll see ya around then."

Guess I'll see ya around!

Like he lives down the street and you'll hook up at the bar one night. Like there was nothing much between the two of you but a couple of months of herding sheep. A job, nothing more. As if he didn't mean the world to you. As if he wasn't the other half of your soul that you hadn't even known you were missing.

Guess I'll see ya around.

There was a part of Ennis that was screaming, "Don't let him go…run after that truck…it doesn't matter how far down the road it might have gone. Don't walk away, you stupid shit, chase him down. No one has ever meant this much to you in your life and he's driving away! Scream…out…his…name!"

But there was a part of him that rejected all of that. A part that had grown up with hatred rampant around him, no real interest shown to him as a human being, and the knowledge that there was nothing for him in this life but hard work, loneliness, and then death. A part that knew nothing of loving or being loved. Something of darkness and emptiness.

This part was strong, entrenched and ruled with fear. It had controlled him most of his life and now controlled his feet…feet which he was sure belonged to someone else because they weren't responding to his pleas to run as fast as he could to stop Jack from leaving forever.

Ennis had not known he had been living in such pain. He knew pain of course…the hard work on the ranches, irregular meals or no meals at all…physical pain…but he had not known of the darkness, hunger and emptiness inside of him. Closed and shuttered as he was he had not been able to name it…until Jack.

Memories of Jack flooded his brain…Jack and that damn harmonica, all the bragging he would do, his incessant rambling, that awful singing…and Jack's eyes when he looked at Ennis as his passion built, Jack's lips that were always willing to meet his, Jack's hands that always knew just where to touch him and when…Jack's offering of himself to Ennis.

Jack was the only bright light to ever shine in his life…and not just shine but blaze in his direction. Jack's brightness showed Ennis the darkness in his own mind. Jack's desire to grab life and hold on showed Ennis his own hunger for life. Jack's love for Ennis had shown him the emptiness, the loneliness that he had not known or recognized until now.

Ennis kept on walking, his life disintegrating around him with each step he took. He didn't know how to stop. He didn't know how to run to Jack. He didn't know how to put into play all the things he had learned from Jack. Their parting was too soon for Ennis who still had so much to learn..

He continued to walk. The pain building.

He felt like his heart would pound right out of his chest, that all those organs that had their proper places inside his body wanted to climb out his throat and lay themselves on the ground in front of him. His legs got heavier…it was getting harder for him to walk.

He spied a darkened entryway to an abandoned building and stumbled into the shadows. His stomach was cramping, nausea building rapidly.

He started heaving…dry, empty retching. He thought he might be sick but his body was trying to tell him that his one chance at happiness had just driven away…and he had done nothing to stop him. His mind was telling him, "since you didn't listen to me, maybe this will get your attention."

His hunger for all those things that Jack had offered him rose like bile in his throat. He needed Jack. He wanted what Jack could give him.

But Jack was gone.

Loss. He felt as if his guts were tied to the fender of Jack's car and the farther he drove, the greater the pain…and the more hollow he became. He had begun to realize what he had done by letting Jack go and with that understanding, the tears began to flow. With the tears, came the anger and helplessness. Then the need to strike at something. Only the wall was handy.

Lost in his grief, he didn't see that a stranger had stopped outside his alcove…staring. Ennis caught sight of him…"What the fuck you looking at!" Ennis barked, trying to cover the crying, the weakness that someone else had seen.

As the stranger moved on, Ennis began to collapse with the full impact of his loss seeping into every pore of his body. He knew now what he had done and what the impact for him would be. He would never see Jack again. He hadn't realized how much Jack had come to mean to him, but he did now. He saw his only chance at happiness diminish with each second.

Ennis saw his old life of cold, emptiness, and desolation looming over him like a dark cloud, a thunderstorm fixin' to engulf him and extinguish all the brightness and warmth that Jack had exposed him to. He would have to return to what he had been before, but now he knew what that was. He knew it was a life of despair, hopelessness, and pain. He knew because Jack had shown him the other side of these feelings. He wasn't sure he would be able to survive going back.

His body had contracted in on itself, trying to escape the future he saw coalescing around him. He had lost the strength to fight it by now and was working to do what he learned before to do so well…stuff all his feelings down deep inside, present a closed face to the world, and simply exist. He hadn't been able to stop the tears just yet.

He felt more than saw a shadow fall across him from the sunlit world outside of his hiding place. He had already told this asshole to get lost and was working up what strength he had to tell him again.

He spun and started to rise, hoping that this guy would launch into him so he could have something more substantial than a wall to pound on and give him an outlet for his rage and pain.

"I said, GET THE FUCK AWAY…from…me….."

"Guess I'll be seein' ya around then." Jack heard the words but his mind didn't want to process them. He knew what the words meant of course, but he just couldn't accept them. To accept them would mean that the odds were he would never see Ennis again…he couldn't wrap his head around that concept.

Ennis just stood there…giving him nothing to hold onto…nothing to grab ahold of. He was giving him no hope for the future. Jack dropped his head in despair.

Guess I'll be seein' ya around then.

"How could he just leave like this? We had something up on Brokeback…have something now. Why does he look at me like all we did was share cans of beans?" Jack thought, his mind racing…what to do?

Ennis had been the one on Brokeback in control of things…the strong one, the rock. He was the one to instigate roughhousing, play, wrestling that inevitably ended in sex. Which Ennis controlled again. Jack willingly rode the wave of Ennis' desire and lust…he thrilled at being taken by Ennis in this way.

He revelled in Ennis' strength, in his practical, solid view of the world around him. He saw how Ennis was protective of him…saw him as an anchor in a fluid world that Jack sometimes couldn't get a grip on. For all his boasting, Jack felt adrift through life and Ennis helped him to stabilize.

With Ennis, he had been gathering to himself a sense that he was greater than just the Jack he used to be…he was more…more of the Jack he wanted to be. With Ennis he felt whole…and had not realized until Brokeback that he had lived his life as so much less than he could be.

But now, Jack saw that Ennis was in control again and knew that a fight would get him nowhere. The sense of loss was growing, choking off his mind and reasoning.

He raised his head to look at Ennis and saw confusion and conflict written all over his face,so different than his usual certainty of things.

"Please Ennis. Say something. Do something. Say ya want me to stay. Say you want to see me again. Say what we had up on Brokeback is what you want forever." Jack tried to impress these thoughts on Ennis' brain.

Ennis stood a moment longer clearly torn in two…and then turned and walked away.

Jack's heart lurched. He jumped in his truck. He had to get outta there.

"So this is it. I thought I meant something to you. I guess I was wrong," Jack said to himself, his breath catching.

Jack pulled out of the parking lot and drove away.

His mind still reeling, he needed to get away as fast as he could. He was in pain. Maybe if he ran away fast enough, the pain would stay back there where Ennis had just shown him he didn't want him…that he didn't care…that it was all for nothing.

He looked back and saw Ennis in his side mirror. Alone, tightening up like he had been when Jack first met him. Hunching over now with the weight of the real world. Jack started tearing up at the thought that Ennis was in pain. All his efforts to show him that someone cared…that someone had loved him…gone. All his efforts to show him that the world was different than he thought it was, all now for nothing.

Jack turned his head forward and focused on his driving. If Ennis didn't want him, then fuck him! He didn't need Ennis either. He would do without him….how he didn't know right then…but he would! He'd move on. He'd live his life. Damn straight, he'd go find him someone who would care!

These thoughts played around in his head for a few miles but they were just surface thoughts, petty thoughts generated from anger. He knew this wasn't how he felt but it was too painful now to look any deeper. That didn't stop the true feelings he had for Ennis from building and threatening to break loose.

The further he got from Ennis and the closer his true feelings got to the surface, the more his body began to rebel. He started to get dizzy. His chest felt like a bull he had just fallen from had rolled over on top of him. His breathing became labored. His stomach knotted like someone had reached in and grabbed a hunk of intestine and was trying to pull it out of a really small hole.

He realized he needed to stop the truck when he had veered into the opposite lane, just missing an 18-wheeler that was barreling down the road, driver yanking madly on his horn.

He pulled off on a little dirt side road. Falling out of the truck…he was having trouble deciding what was up and down. He swung around the front of the truck to the passenger side. He was having real difficulty breathing. He couldn't get in enough air. He was trying to breathe but the air that he knew surrounded him didn't seem to want to get into his lungs. He pulled his hat off and slumped to the ground.

Thinking he might be dying, his thoughts went without hesitation to that which was most precious to him…Ennis. His memories of Ennis…the eyes which sparkling with life and laughter, the smile Jack had worked so hard to bring forth, the tightness of that hard working body and…his strength when he held Jack from behind, hands grasping Jack's hips…the bruises, the thrusting…Ennis laying over Jack's back whispering his name, the huskiness of his voice betraying his passion and feelings as he said things he couldn't bring himself to say in the daylight.

With these images came an overwhelming sense that in all the world there was no one for him but Ennis…his other half, the other part of himself that he had not known he wanted or needed…but did now. Were his life to be long, he would never have these feelings for anyone but Ennis.

Suddenly Ennis was everywhere inside Jack…filling his mind, his body, those places Ennis took with passion. And in a burst of understanding, Jack knew that he would not be able to leave Ennis. That without him, he might as well die right here and now. They'd find his body and wonder, "Damn, what ever happened to that guy? Not a mark on him."

As this realization struck full force and his real feelings for Ennis surfaced, Jack's breathing eased, his mind became, for him, unnaturally calm. He knew now that, as day needs night, he needed Ennis and Ennis needed him. He knew what he had to do. He knew what his next action would be.

He would take charge and be the one in control today. He was going to play the alpha game and Ennis was just going to have to accept the only role left. Because he saw now that if Ennis could turn and walk away, then he certainly didn't know what was best for him. Jack was getting ready to show Ennis just what he thought and felt for him…if he had to beat that understanding into him.

He got up, calm now. He picked up his hat and without rushing dusted it off. He walked around to the driver's side of the truck, got in, started it, pulled out onto the main road pointing it in Ennis' general direction…and floored it.

There were no thoughts on his mind now but those of Ennis. He didn't know exactly how he was going to confront Ennis but was confident that he'd be able to make him see his version of what should be. He wasn't quite prepared for what he found.

He drove back looking ahead for Ennis who should have been walking toward him. Not that much time had passed that Ennis would be out of sight. But he kept getting closer and still no Ennis. He found he had passed the parking lot where they had parted so turned around and headed back. "Damn that cowboy, where'd he up and go off to now," Jack thought.

As he drove by an abandoned building, he caught sight of a cowboy on the sidewalk, stopped, looking at an alcove in the building. He was very nearly on top of this scene when he heard a familiar voice holler out, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT?" It was Ennis, no mistake. But he sounded in pain. The cowboy walked off.

The truck had barely stopped when Jack jumped out and ran to the darkened alcove. Turning the corner, he saw Ennis doubled up on the ground facing the wall. He was crying, holding his hat up near his face to cover the tears and hadn't seen Jack come up.

Jack had been prepared for a couple of different things but not this. He could only stand there and stare. He had never seen Ennis like this…the solid one, the rock. The man had fallen completely apart. Jack's eyes filled with tears and his heart, which he had thought had already opened to Ennis, now blazed with the need to help his man, to care for and comfort him, and protect him from any more pain.

He was taking a step forward when Ennis spun on a heel and was stepping forward with rage written all over his body.

"I said, GET THE FUCK AWAY…from…me….."

Before he could finish, and through his tears, Ennis could see that the man watching him wasn't the same man as before.

Oultined by the brightness of the world outside, Ennis saw the silhouette of a man…tight jeans, black hat, a reflection off of a rodeo belt buckle. The face was in shadow, but he didn't need to see that to know who this was.

Ennis could only stare. He had already started the process of shutting himself down so he wouldn't feel the excruciating pain of the loss of Jack. There was a piece inside of him that held a hope of seeing Jack again.

But there he stood.

Ennis' legs buckled and he started for the ground.

"Jack…"

Jack jumped forward, grabbing Ennis and holding him, going down to the ground with him.

"Jack…" Ennis' voice caught in his throat.

"I'm here, Ennis. I'm here."

Ennis gasped for air as if the atmosphere around him had pulled away. His tears flowed freely now…he was beyond caring what happened outside of this small area of space and time. He held onto Jack as one would hold onto a log in a storm-tossed ocean…his only hope of staying above the desolate vision of his future that he had experienced so recently.

"Ennis. It's okay, Ennis. It's okay. It's alright. I came back, Ennis. I couldn't leave you, Ennis. I tried but I couldn't leave." Jack was now unable to hold back his own tears. He had felt much the same way Ennis had but knew better than Ennis why he was feeling what he did. He knew that Ennis would be unable to come to him. Jack knew that he would never be able to live his life without Ennis. He knew that if he didn't turn his truck around and find him both of them would regret this moment until they died.

"Jack…I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to hold onto ya Jack." Ennis sobbed. "I can't…I can't…Jack, don't leave. Please, Jack. Don't go. I couldn't go on, Jack. Please."

"I ain't goin' nowhere, cowboy. Not now, not ever. It'll all be okay. I'm not leaving, Ennis. I'm right here."

On a bright, warm summer day, Ennis and Jack were walking near the home they both shared. There was a path through some woods near there that they had tread on many a time in the 30-some years they had lived there.

The sun shone through the leaves dappling the ground with light. The smell of the earth and the wind through the trees had always reminded them of their days as cowboys. Those days of course long gone now.

As they walked, Jack had begun to feel a little light-headed, but because he knew Ennis really enjoyed his time out here, he never mentioned it.

A little ways into the woods, Jack collapsed, falling into Ennis. Ennis couldn't get out of the way in time so went down also. Jack was close so Ennis only needed to turn around and reach for him.

Ennis had squatted next to Jack pulling him into his arms, not knowing what to say because everything had happened so quickly. The doctor had said he was doing fine.

"Jack. Jack, don't you leave me now, ya hear? It ain't time yet. Jack!" Ennis was trying to get Jack's attention.

Jack's eyes focused and he looked straight at Ennis, "I'm so sorry, Ennis. I said I'd never leave you, but…." Jack looked away for a second and then looked back at Ennis, "I don't want to go, Ennis. I want to stay here with you," a tear rolling down his face.

"It's okay, rodeo, it's okay. The monitor you're wearing has already contacted the hospital. They'll be here in just minute. You hold on now." Ennis' world was crashing around him but he knew he needed to be there for Jack so was unable to show the pain he was feeling.

Jack tried to smile…for Ennis. "Ennis, did I do right by you?"

The breath in Ennis' throat caught, his eyes teared up, and he nodded his head. "You did good by me, Jack, real good. No one else could have done for me what you did…" Ennis had to look away for a moment.

"I love you, Ennis," Jack said. He reached his hand up to stroke Ennis' face.

Ennis leaned over and kissed him lightly on the lips. "You are and will always be the only one for me, Jack Twist. Don't you ever forget it."

Sirens in the distance.

"Ennis…" Jack whispered.

"You wait for me, rodeo. Don't make me have to go find you." Ennis whsipered back.

Jack smiled at Ennis…and quietly closed his eyes.

He was 78 years old. He and Ennis had been together for nearly 60 years.

Jack was buried in a solemn ceremony. Many people attended because Jack and Ennis were well-known and well-liked. Ennis received his guests with dignity and appreciation.

He was found in his bed by the maid a few days later. He was holding one of Jack's shirts.

Jack hadn't had to wait very long.

End