Untitled

Ennis was terrified. He was in a bad place. A part of him…the observer…knew where he was and what was getting ready to happen. The part of him that was there…the participant…only knew that fear surrounded him and hatred was coming up fast.

He was frozen in place, paralyzed with a suffocating feeling of dread. And there it was again…this foreboding of terrible things to come. The hatred was approaching quickly now, like the wind that raced before a thunderstorm.

The observer kept saying to himself, "Please, no, not again. Please God, don't let me have to see this again." The participant was not privy to the observer's thoughts, so stood there, rooted to the ground, dreading what was coming…and feeling every moment for the first time.

Suddenly as he looked up, he saw Jack. He was angry, furious, as he walked past a fence line and into a field. "Jack…" Ennis barely exhaled his name. As he did so, the thunderstorm blast of emotion struck.

Ennis was caught up in a tornado-like wind made of hatred, the thrill of a kill for no good reason but to kill, and the stench of evil that resides in some men's hearts. He was overwhelmed and could do nothing but stand and watch.

Coming up rapidly behind Jack were three men, one with a tire iron. The participant Ennis saw this and tried to yell to Jack, but found he couldn't. His vision began to twist and blur. Ennis could feel his own fear for Jack rushing up and consuming him.

Jack didn't see the men until it was too late. The tire iron caught him in the back of the head, stunning him and knocking him down. And then they were on him…kicking, punching, breaking ribs and arms, stomping on the crotch that had been used in ways that offended them, all the time reveling in their actions, laughing, allowing the beast that lies within to surface.

Then there was only the tire iron smashing into Jack's face over and over.

"JACK," Ennis had finally found his voice. The men who had beat Jack couldn't hear his cry.

They began to wander off, adrenaline still pumping, laughing, slapping each other on the back…sure that they had just rid the world of something abhorrent and foul. Of course that was their reasoning, their excuse, that hid their use of base desires to support their righteousness.

"JACK," Ennis had finally found his feet and had begun to run toward where Jack lay.

"JACK," Ennis yelled as he shot out of the bed and tripped on the blanket. He fell into the wall and slid to the floor. Alma was out of bed and by his side calling his name.

"Ennis, ENNIS," she was having to yell his name to try to get his attention and bring him back from the nightmare he had just experienced.

His eyes had been open but glazed over with the horror of what he had just seen. But now they were clearing as the intensity of the dream was subsiding, leaving him with just the events…as the participant disappeared and only the observer was left.

"Ennis," Alma tried again, her hands holding each side of his face, brushing the hair off his face. Ennis looked in her direction not really seeing her, pain etched in every line of his face. A small part of Alma recognized that Ennis had never shown this much feeling for her in all their years of marriage.

"Alma," Ennis croaked out of a tight but slowly relaxing throat.

"Ennis, it's okay. You're here at home. You were having a bad dream. Come on, Ennis. Look at me." She was doing her best to try to calm him down so he didn't repeat the incident of a few months back when she had gotten caught in his attempts to get away from whatever was haunting him in this nightmare. She had had to use makeup for a week before the bruise went away.

Ennis knew where he was now…the dream had drifted far enough away that he could see clearly the real world around him. But not far enough that he didn't remember what had happened. He always remembered. All these scenes of Jack's death rested in one part of his brain…and never left or diminished.

His mind leapt to Jack in Childress probably sleeping right now. He thought of him safe and protected and that helped to ease his racing heart and unclench his jaw and fists.

Ennis remembered that Alma was sitting next to him. "Alma, are you okay?" he said, bringing his hand to her face. He remembered what he had done to her that one time.

"Yeah, Ennis, I'm okay. Come on, honey, get up, okay? Here, come sit on the bed. There ya go." Alma was trying her best to help Ennis. She knew that there was something between her husband and Jack. She had seen them on the landing. She hadn't understood much of what was going on at the time. But that had been a few years ago. Now she had no doubt that this man her husband went fishing with and whose name he screamed out at night meant more to him that she could ever mean.

She had not told Ennis that every time he had this nightmare he called out for Jack. Ennis never remembered. Alma always remembered.

"What time is it?" Ennis asked.

"Ennis, please…"

"What time is it, Alma?"

"Just after midnight, Ennis. Let me make you some tea or something…." Ennis got up and began changing. Alma knew that he would go to the bar now and drink until he could barely stand. This happened a lot after these dreams. There wasn't anything Alma could say to stop him. She had tried many times. Ennis was going to handle this the way he needed to.

"Ennis, please, why don't ya stay home and let me help you, huh? Ennis talk to me, please?" She made a weak attempt to keep him there knowing that it wouldn't work. It never did.

"I'll be back later. Don't wait up." And with that he was gone.

Ennis went to his job the next day, hungover and limping a little where his hip had struck the wall the night before. Luckily, he had to go out to check some fence lines far out on the property…and far away from prying eyes and curious people. He didn't have the strength today to deal with either.

He had left Alma that morning with barely a goodbye. He felt ashamed of how he was treating her…she was only trying to help…but these nightmares and his fears for Jack were just too much and he didn't have the strength to spare from keeping himself together.

Once he got out away from possible contact with people, he let his horse wander anywhere it wanted…no problem since the horse knew most of the lay of this land anyway and he didn't need to be concerned. His mind was totally somewhere else.

Ennis was not known to be an introspective kind of fella. He was direct and action-oriented. So it was with great difficulty that he started looking at these dreams…nightmares…that he had been having recently.

They were always the same. Always the same three guys. Always the same beating. Always Ennis not able to help Jack.

What had been changing in the dreams was how he was feeling for Jack. He had a connection with him…strong and passionate. A connection. He would call it "this thing" but could never actually name it more than that.

But lately, during the dreams and after, he had been feeling for Jack something different…well, not different, really…but clearer, more substantial. Still didn't have a name for it but it was there and he couldn't deny it.

Ennis looked around and saw that he was near a small stream and a shaded area under some large trees. He tied his horse up and went to sit at the base of one of these ancient giants.

Ennis sat and thought about Jack. Not unusual but now he was trying to see how these dreams fit in. He thought about the one he had last night. He remembered how his heart clenched, his body shook, and the breath was taken right out of his lungs at the thought that Jack was going to be hurt. He remembered that as they came up to Jack, he struggled to run and take his place…to take onto himself the pain that Jack was getting ready to experience…to die in Jack's place. He tried to call to them, "NO, take me, not him. Not Jack. ME!"

He remembered the love for Jack that had exploded through his body, the effort he…...what?

Ennis' head snapped up and he jumped to his feet. He put a hand on the tree to make sure he stayed standing up because he had just felt the world kinda sway around him. He began to feel dizzy realizing he was hyperventilating but there was nothing he could do.

His love for Jack? He loved Jack? "I love Jack?"

A tear rolled down Ennis' cheek closely followed by another.

"I love Jack," he said as his voice cracked.

Ennis went to his knees, no longer able to stand. He was struck by the enormity of what he had just said. How could he have not seen this before? It had been there all along, he hadn't recognized it, couldn't name it as love.

"Oh, God…" and he started sobbing. He was looking at his life with Jack now through the eyes of someone who loved…and he saw all that he had done to Jack, how he had pushed him away, how he had kept him at a distance, how he had lied to himself about how his feelings for Jack.

And then he saw what Jack had been tryng all those years to give to him. He recognized the love that Jack felt for him and this crushed him even further to know that he had hurt him all these years. Jack had been offering Ennis his life and he had turned him away, refusing this gift.

It all came together at once and all he could do was cry…and apologize to Jack over and over.

The phone rang at the house in Childress.

"Hello, Twist residence," Bobby answered. His momma had taught him to answer the phone that way because it sounded more businesslike and fit the station she had achieved in the community. Bobby liked answering the phone that way also because at eight it made him feel more grownup…like his Mom and Dad.

"Is Jack there?"

"May I ask whose calling, please?" More of his Mom.

"Ennis del Mar."

"Hold on a second, he's on the porch out back. I'll go get him." As Bobby put the phone down, he sprinted to the backyard all the time calling, "DADDY, THERE'S A GUY NAMED DENNIS DELMER ON THE PHONE FOR YA!" Bobby liked to be the messenger also.

"Who is it, Bobby?" Jack asked as Bobby walked up.

"Dennis Delmer," Bobby repeated. "I don't know any Dennis Del…Jesus!" Jack shot like a bolt into the house.

"Ennis?"

"Jack."

"Ennis? Ennis…what…why are you…how'd you get my number?" Jack was totally confused because in all their time together, Ennis had never called Jack.

"Jack," the voice hesitated, "Jack…I need to see ya. I need to talk to ya."

"Ennis, what's the matter? Ennis, are you alright? What happened?" Jack was now nearing panic. This had all happened so suddenly and Ennis voice, though always muffled and monotone, carried fear and desperation now.

"Can you get away, bud? I could meet ya somewhere along the road from your house. But I need to talk to ya." Ennis' voice had begun to quiver. Now Jack knew that something was terribly wrong. This was not behavior that Ennis had ever shown before.

Jack scrambled to remember the things that had to be done in the next few days. There were a couple, but he felt he could get by without doing them for a couple of days. Lureen wouldn't be happy about his leaving, but she wasn't happy about much these days.

"Jack?" A tiny little voice…a tone of pleading.

"I'm here, Ennis. I'm just trying to see what's happening around here and how quickly I can get out." Jack had taken that tender tone of voice he used when Ennis was hurt or injured.

"Ennis, I have a couple of things to do before I can leave. I have to wait for Lureen to get back so she can watch Bobby and some paperwork to take care of before I go. I can leave in the morning. Is that gonna be okay?" Jack was still trying to figure out what he was going to say to Lureen.

"That's fine, Jack, I really appreciate this. I know this is last minute." Ennis was having trouble swallowing and seeing. "I'm sorry to call, Jack. I didn't want to bother you over there with your family. I'm sorry…"

"Ennis… " Now Jack was stunned. Ennis had never said anything to him like this before. "It's alright, bud. Look, I'll get outta here first thing in the morning. Where ya gonna be?"

Ennis had thought of this already.

"Ya know that little town that we stopped at that one year we went up elk hunting? I'm gonna head out there and wait for you. There's only one motel in the town so ya can't miss it. Do you remember where that is, Jack?" Jack felt his eyes tear up at the desperation in Ennis' voice. It was getting harder to talk.

"Yeah, cowboy, I remember. I'll be there tomorrow evening."

"Thanks, Jack."

"Ennis?" There was silence on the other end. Moments went by while Jack cmposed himself. "Ennis…" how should he word this, "will you be okay until I get there?" Jack knew better but had to ask…Ennis knew by his tone what he was asking.

"Yeah, bud, if you're coming down, I'll be okay." This eased Jack's concerns some.

"Okay, Ennis, I'll be there as soon as I can, alright?"

"Thanks, Jack," and there was a click and a dial tone. Jack was too shocked to remember he still had the phone in his hand.

Jack had made the best time he could. Lureen had pitched a fit and delayed his leaving the house. He arrived at the motel around 7:30 that evening. He got out of the truck, stretched, took a few deep breaths to keep from tensing up. He knew that Ennis needed him…that was a first…and didn't want to run in there half-cocked and not be able to give him the support he needed.

He saw Ennis' truck near the back of the motel…of course…and walked over to it. He knocked and then poked his head in, "Ennis?". The light by the bed was on. He saw Ennis' things tossed in a corner. But no Ennis. Jack walked in guessing that he had stepped out to the little coffee shop that was next door.

He made a pit stop, then took his hat off, lit up a cigarette and sat on the edge of the bed to calm his nerves. He was so anxious to see Ennis and yet so fearful because Ennis was behaving, well, not like Ennis. On the way over here, his thoughts had slid to maybe Ennis didn't want to see him anymore. He told himself he was crazy for thinking that he couldn't silence the t houghts completely.

He had just put out his cigarette when he heard a scuff outside the door and the door knob turn. He stood up…good thing. Jack had gotten a new truck so Ennis didn't know he was there.

Ennis stopped dead in the doorway. Jack winced at the bags under his eyes, his usual slouch even more pronounced, the sense of a truly heavy burden being carried.

Ennis stopped at the door, the small bag he had in his hand hitting the floor. He slammed the door shut, tossed his hat and leapt straight for Jack.

He caught Jack, both hands on each side of face, and kissed him in a way that he had never kissed Jack before…and Jack was totally aware of the difference. Jack wrapped his arms around Ennis trying to keep himself standing. Just when it felt like Ennis wasn't going to let him come up for air, the tone of his kiss changed. It became tender, gentle…loving. Jack's eyes snapped open and he stared right at Ennis.

Ennis finally separated his lips from Jack's and stood there, eyes closed, his forehead to Jack's…and started crying.

"Ennis…oh, Ennis, please, don't cry. Please, Ennis, it's okay, it's okay…" Jack pulled Enni' face to his shoulder and kept repeating these gentle words to Ennis, holding him and letting Ennis get out of his system whatever was causing him this grief.

Ennis' tears had finally stopped and he was just holding Jack now…rocking slightly, sniffling occasionally.

"Ennis…" Jack breathed very quietly in his ear.

Ennis released Jack and stepped back, head dropped, looking at his boots…typical Ennis posture used when he is either embarrassed or too angry to look at you eye to eye. Jack knew which one it was in this case so didn't feel threatened.

"Come on, Ennis, sit down."

Ennis sat on the bed and Jack pulled the one chair in the room in front of him. Ennis was looking at the floor again, wringing his hands.

Jack reached over and put his hand under Ennis' chin and lifted his head, but Ennis turned it slightly away to keep from looking at him. Jack just kept his hand there and moved his face back to the front.

"Look at me," Jack said gently needing Ennis' focus.

"Come on, Ennis, you got things to say…come on, let's get this started." Jack's mind started percolating up that thought that maybe Ennis didn't want to see him anymore. He worked to squelch that so he could help Ennis.

"Ennis, please talk to me because you're scaring the shit outta me right now. What's the matter, bud?"

Ennis tried to put his head down again but Jack's hand was still under his chin. Ennis reached up and took Jack's hand in both of his, lightly kissed it, and brought it to his knees where he held it. Jack kept thinking that this wasn't the behavior of someone about to break off a long relationship. But what else could it be? Part of Jack was preparing for the bomb.

Ennis took a deep breath and started…

"Jack, we've known each other for a long time now. We got something special you and me. Could never figure out what that was…so all I could do was keep going like I had always done." Jack still could not figure out what was wrong with Ennis and though he held out hope, the thought of Ennis leaving still hovered on the edge of his mind.

"Jack, I'm not good with words like you. I don't know much about how to tell someone how I feel…hell, I barely know how I feel myself. But I figured something out the other day and I need to let you know…"

Here it comes, Jack thought.

"Jack, I love you…"

Jack's entire body froze where he sat…he actually stopped breathing and could only stare at Ennis' mouth where these words had just emerged. Ennis felt the shift in Jack.

"…more than I got words to say. I been thinkin' the last few days that I ain't never said nothing like this to you 'cause I didn't have the words, but the truth is I didn't even know what it was I felt. But I do now, Jack…"

One tear began rolling down Jack's face.

"…and I want you to know, that there ain't nobody in the world means more to me than you do and if you still want a beat up old ranch hand to hang around with, then we can start talking about this cow and calf operation that you had in mind."

Jack needed to use his brain right about now but it was locked on stupefied and wouldn't move from there. He stared at Ennis for a few seconds, then dropped his head to the floor and closed his eyes…tears hitting the dirty carpet at his feet.

His dream…

Ennis slid off the bed and knelt in front of him. He put one arm around Jack's back and one hand on his neck. He slowly pulled Jack's head to his chest and with his lips right at Jack's ear, he whispered for no one else in the world to hear but Jack, "My little darlin', my rodeo cowboy. I love you, Jack, for real…no one will ever mean to me what you do." Jack started to sob, his back heaving. He reached blindly for Ennis grabbing him around the waist.

They stayed that way for a long time.