Perchance to Dream

There are dreams and there are nightmares.

Ennis was dreaming now. Typically he wouldn't remember his dreams in the morning because of all the drinking he had done…and had been doing for a long time now.

Dreaming.

This meant that he was still on that side of the dream fence that wasn't painful…on the side he could allow himself to see and think about.

He walked in the mountains…crystal clear blue sky, emerald green trees, the water in the stream reflecting diamond-like bursts of light. The air was cool and clean…his boots making small scrunching sounds in the tiny, discarded branches and gravel under his feet.

He knew Jack was here…somewhere…he just wasn't certain where. It seemed like his brain, his memory, wasn't working like it should be. It was clear to him that Jack should be at his side, walking with him. It was the natural place for him to be, wasn't it? Hadn't he just been here?

He couldn't remember if Jack had said where he was going. Did he say? His mind kept gnawing on this problem but nothing was coming from it.

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a flash of white…or something. He turned and called for Jack. What the hell kind of game is he playing now? Damn that Jack Twist. When he got ahold of him…

He turned and began walking in the direction of the motion he had spied. It led deeper into the woods. Here it was darker under the forest canopy, things closer. He was forced now to skirt trees and watch out for the roots…no straight lines here. There was a disturbance here but Ennis had Jack on his mind and didn't pay attention.

Another flash of movement.

"JACK," Ennis turns and begins to run…as best he can in the closeness of the forest…trying to catch up with this specter. Following this sporadic flash of movement, he continues to move deeper toward the heart of the forest…deeper into a more claustrophic space. The sun diminished here, the temperature dropping, the clarity of the world outside the forest gone.

He is hopelessly lost now, running in circles, tripping, falling. He catches glimpses of a white form everywhere he turns now. "JACK….Jack!" his voice expressing his loss of hope, his fear.

The color has leached out of his surroundings leaving only pale shades of grey. No warmth in these colors, no invite to bright surroundings. He looks around and it seems to him that the wind is blowing…but as he looks closer, he sees that the branches, leaves, grass around him aren't moving. This wind streaks the colors of the world around him like a painter dragging his fingers through the wet paint on his canvas…like fast clouds running in the sky. The wind blows but only the graveyard greys and blacks around him move.

He comes out on a clearing…trees surround…and though open to the sky, no sun appears, no light to warm, to cheer, to comfort. All is desolation.

Ennis doesn't dream anymore. This is the beginning of a full-blown nightmare.

He stands at the boundary of the clearing, fear, confusion, desperation bubbling up inside him. He still looks for Jack, despite this sudden turn, knowing he should be with him…anywhere else but here, with him.

"Jack," he calls. His voice is absorbed by the deadness of the area around him. Nothing stirs but this streaky-color wind. No sound. No movement. Pale flatness now overlayed with despair.

He notices that in the clearing is a form…a person…a man. He is crouched on the ground, hugging his knees, back to Ennis. He is naked and his flesh glows a little whiter than the greys that surround him.

"Where'd he come from?" Ennis wonders, his confusion still in effect. "He wasn't there a minute ago? Why didn't I see him when I came up?"

Ennis feels a fear that wasn't present until this figure appeared. If he could sweat in this place, he would be now. He knows he needs to go closer but his feet are heavy and his will is evaporating.

This doesn't stop the compulsion that now moves him forward, heavy feet dragging, fear beginning to clamp down on his heart. As he gets closer, this form…this man…begins to look familiar. It's the set of the shoulders, the hair on the nape of the neck.

"Jack?" Ennis said tentatively as he looks around, fear clamping down. "Jack, what are you doin' in this place? Come on, rodeo, let's get away from here. This place ain't right for us to be in."

The man in front of him doesn't respond. Ennis steps a little closer to put his hand on the shoulder of this mysterious figure.

"Ennis," the form…Jack…spoke. The sound of his name chilled Ennis and caused the blood to leave his face…dizziness begins to descend on him.

"Ennis, why didn't ya love me like I loved you?" Jack said.

"What…Jack…what are ya talkin' about? Jack, didn't you know I…that I…I mean…ya know how I feel about ya. Come on now let's get outta here."

"Ennis, I loved you every minute I was alive…every minute of every day. Occurs to me now that you didn't love me at all."

"Jack, please...don't say that. Ya know how I felt, Jack. I mean…ya know, we was close…"

"Close. Ennis I asked you once to share a life with me, remember? It would have been a sweet life, too. Jus' you and me. A real sweet life."

"Jack, ya know we couldn't do that. We went over that so many times, Jack. It just wasn't something we could do."

"No, Ennis, it just wasn't something YOU could do." That struck Ennis like a shot.

"It was always you, Ennis. YOU didn't want to spend your life with me. YOU didn't want to look me in the face and tell me I was the only one. YOU were the selfish one. It was all about YOU, Ennis."

Ennis cringed at each YOU as if he was being whipped. Jack was still sitting with his back to Ennis but was rocking now, clearly agitated.

"Jack, please, that's not true. I did what I did for us. For the two of us. People might have found out and then it would have been the end. It was for you I stayed away like I did."

"No, Ennis. It was always about you. You had me on that damned short fucking leash… had it wrapped right around my neck. It was your hand held the leash, Ennis, no one else. You weren't thinking about me only about yourself."

"Jack, please, don't do this. Please, Jack, let's get outta here." Ennis had begun to tremble, his fear rising with each moment. He could feel something big coming…big and painful.

"There's nowhere to go Ennis. I'm dead. Done in by the same tire iron you were always afraid of. And you weren't there to protect me Ennis. That was your part ya know. It was you was supposed to protect me. I dreamt dreams for you, you stood solid to protect me. I was the clouds and the rapids in the mountains. You were the rock and place of security. You didn't do your part, Ennis. And now I'm dead for it."

Ennis had started to cry. He was hearing things he had tried to keep down deep inside so he didn't have to look at them and accept them and deal with them. He drank to keep these thoughts away. He closed himself off from the people and the world around him so he wasn't reminded of feelings. He slammed shut the doors to his heart for fear of what he kept hidden there.

"Jack, please…" Ennis was begging now. "I did what I could…"

The figure stood up suddenly. It was so clearly Jack that Ennis' breath caught.

"You did what you could, Ennis? Let me show you what happened when you did what you could…"

Jack spun. Ennis screamed.

Jack's face was nearly unrecognizable where the tire iron had slammed over and over, huge bruises on his sides where the ribs had been broken, his pelvis shattered where they stomped on his crotch, one arm bent at an odd angle.

"Oh God, Jack, sweet Jesus…please…please…no, Jack, please!" Ennis stumbled back, falling to the ground, trying to back up from this horrible vision. He tried to close his eyes but it was as if he had no eyelids. His head was in a vise and wouldn't move away from this apparition. All he could do was stare…horrified and transfixed.

"This is what your selfishness did. You weren't there to protect me like you were supposed to, Ennis. This is on you."

Ennis was sobbing now…his body shaking. His throat had closed, his heart had clenched, his brain was on fire.

All those feelings that he had shoved deep down inside and tried to forget were boiling up like lava and causing havoc along the way.

"Jack, please…this wasn't my fault. Please. It ain't like ya say, Jack Please, God, don't make it like he says..."

Jack only stood there…but the force of his condemnation reached to Ennis.

Thoughts and words from these hidden depths were forming now in Ennis' brain, shouting to be spoken.

"Jack, I…I… I loved you, Jack."

The first of the major admissions breaking free.

"I did Jack, I loved you. I know that I never said that to you, though you wanted it bad. There was never nobody else, there was only you. And I loved you, Jack, so bad it hurt every day I had to live without you around. Even now, Jack, I can't be awake that you aren't on my mind, that I don't miss you so bad I could bear the fires of hell if you'd just come back to me. I wouldn't have let this happen to you." Ennis was now sobbing.

Jack hadn't moved, but he didn't look quite as bad as he had.

"I'm so sorry, Jack. I'm so sorry. I let you down, I know that.…but, Jack, I…it was so hard…I couldn't…I couldn't say that I was queer, Jack, that I loved a man. Everyone hates queers, right, Jack? I mean how could I say that? The way people would look at me…But, Jack, I do love you…and…you're a man…I could never say to myself, Jack, that I was…queer."

The second of the major admissions.

Jack was recognizable now and stepping toward Ennis but he was too caught up in the maelstrom of emotions to see. All he could do was open his mouth and speak the words that floated up.

"Why didn't you want to be with me, Ennis?"

"Jack, no, please…."

"Why, Ennis?" Jack was more forceful here.

"Jack…I…" Ennis was completely broken at this point and sobbing uncontrollablly. He had fallen and simply lay limp on the ground, his sobs the only thing to be heard.

Jack has stepped close to Ennis and squatting asked him again, "Why, Ennis?"

When he could catch a breath he said quietly, "I…I was afraid, Jack."

The third and final admission.

Ennis pushed himself up on one elbow.

"I was afraid. I was afraid people would know. I was afraid people would point and whisper. I was afraid…of…just what happened to you. I was afraid…that I would end up like old Earl." Ennis sounded like a lost and lonely little boy. His sobbing had begun to calm. The air around him had begun to brighten some.

"I was afraid. Afraid for me…and you, Jack. It was fear that kept me from going to you. That's it, Jack. That's all there is. I should have been with you…done my part to watch over you, Jack, and that's the godhonest truth." Ennis had stopped crying but tears still flowed and he would hiccup every now and then. He still lay where he had fallen…no strength to get up.

Jack was whole now and dressed in the clothes he had worn on Brokeback. A pale light surrounded him and shone on Ennis.

In a soft and penitent voice, "I should have been there, Jack. You was the only one I ever loved and I should have been there. I knew you loved me, Jack, though I couldn't call it that, but I knew. I always knew. Whenever you looked at me, you always looked right at me as if I was the most important person in the world. Whenever you touched me, it was like electricity. Whenever you kissed me, I felt I was the luckiest guy in the world. With you, Jack, I was somebody."

"I'm sorry, Jack. Please…please, Jack, will you forgive me?"

Jack had reached Ennis and caught him up in his arms. "I already have, Ennis, I already have. You just need to forgive yourself now." Jack's voice was clear and steady…no more condemnation.

Ennis woke and saw that he was no longer in the clearing but up on Brokeback at the old campsite where they had herded sheep. He was laying down. He felt rested, refreshed.

As he looked around he saw that his head was resting in Jack's lap…Jack brushing his hair with his fingers. This was the Jack from that same time with the sheep.

"Jack." Ennis said quietly. Speaking his name, Ennis was now able to put all the love he had ever felt for this man into that one word.

"Ennis," Jack said, smiling broadly and looking at Ennis as if he was the only person that existed.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Ennis. I'm sorry I had to be a part of bringing that kind of pain to you. But there weren't no other way to get you to see," Jack said, his eyes taking on a sad cast as he did.

"Shh, darlin', it's okay. I got it now. I can say now that I love you and not be scared to admit it." Ennis got up to his knees so he could look Jack right in the eye. "I know why I did what I did now and the things I got to go back and do. You did it for me again, Jack. You made it so's I'll be whole again. I won't never forget that, bud."

"No, Ennis, it was you. How many times you and me had to go through this since I left. How many times we got to right where we were awhile ago. How many times we came so close but you couldn't say the things you needed to say. You couldn't get rid of the poison that you held inside."

"Things'll be better for you now, Ennis…easier for you to live day to day. Ya got some understandin' now of why things happened the way they did. Take that and make something good of it over there. You still got some time left, so you might as well be happy livin' it."

Ennis dropped his eyes, his feelings for Jack overwhelming him. The he looked up and smiled at Jack, leaned in and gave him a kiss. Jack put one hand on the back of Ennis' neck like he used to do. Ennis put his hand on Jack's…like he used to do.

When they parted, Jack said, "Ennis, you need to know that I never stopped loving you. That even at the end, when I was so mad at you that I coulda kicked your ass all the way back to Texas, I still loved you. That will never change. I didn't quit you then, and I won't quit you now. I love you, Ennis, more than you can know."

"Jack…will you be waitin' for me when it's my time?"

"That's the plan, cowboy."

Ennis woke in a pool of his own sweat. The sheets tossed about…half on the floor, half wrapped around his legs. His eyes opened quietly and easily. He lay there for a long time just staring at the ceiling…the memories of Jack and his dream playing in his head.

There was none of the internal pain he had gotten so used to living with…the gut-gnawing ache that he could extinguish only with alcohol. There was just a calmness that he had only ever experienced when he was with Jack. Looking around, it felt like he was present…watching…letting his presence be known so that Ennis wouldn't be so alone anymore.

He remembered all that Jack had helped him to admit. He remembered the things Jack had said to him. Jack did truly love him! He felt like a human being again. He felt his future open up.

He got up, washed up at the sink best he could, put on his clothes and jacket. He walked to the closet where he kept the shirts. He opened it and took the shirts off the nail in the door and closed it. He hammered another nail into the outside of the door where he now hung the two shirts…his only physical connection to Jack that there was left.

He smiled, stroking both shirts. No more hiding. No more keeping Jack out of sight. He was proud now that he had known and loved this man. He had accepted his admissions of love for Jack, shame at being queer, and fear of the tire iron and knew that his life would forever be different. Whenever he thought of Jack now, it would be with love and not guilt, self-hatred and recrimination.

"I love you, Jack Twist. I could never say that before but there it is…I love you and I swear that I always will. But right now I got to go make some changes with this second chance you done give me in this life. I got some people to re-acquaint with. I got a life to fix. I want you to be proud of me, Jack Twist, when you meet me on that day. Wait for me, bud. I'll try to be patient until then."

End