Always Leaving

Jack was driving back to Childress. It was the fifth time that he and Ennis had gotten together for one of their "fishing trips". He was having difficulty seeing the road ahead of him and felt that he'd have to pull over so he'd live to see Texas.

He stopped the truck on the shoulder of the back road he was on. He hadn't driven very far from where he left Ennis. He stared straight ahead, trying not to think…trying not to let it seep in too deep that he was leaving Ennis and wouldn't be seeing him again for months…no contact at all…maybe a card. He was trying to do what he was not capable of doing…stuff his feelings away, down deep…and, of course, he failed. Tears began to flow and his shoulders shook with the wracking sobs that swept through him.

They woke up early that morning, Ennis holding Jack tightly from behind. Jack had woken up first but didn't move…barely breathed…so he could get this moment of peace to last as long as he could. He stayed quiet, relishing Ennis' touch, his smell, the soft brush of his breath on Jack's neck. But, like all things, this moment was temporary.

A few minutes later, Ennis woke and drew Jack even closer…snuggling close to sniff his neck, kiss it lightly. For Jack this was one of his magic moments.

"Hey, rodeo," Ennis said in his just-woke-up husky voice, "time to get up. Can't sleep all day." Jack reached for Ennis' hand and pulled it close to him and just like a little boy said, "No, and ya cain't make me." Ennis snickered. There was a short scuffle that followed with easy laughter, a couple of kisses…and then a couple more.

They had packed everything, put the horses in the trailer, cleaned up their campsite. Jack was taking any opportunity to stay close to Ennis, to touch him for any reason, make any conversation he could to hear his voice…slowing down so he could be with him a few minutes more.

Of course, the time came when everything was done and it was time for Jack and Ennis to leave. It was inevitable and was always difficult for Jack.

He stood with Ennis, both silent, looking out over the mountains and streams they had shared their time with this last week. He stood close to Ennis so their shoulders touched and occasionally he'd bump him with his knee. This went on for a little while.

"Jack."

Jack reached for Ennis' hand lacing their fingers together. He was looking at the ground now. Not wanting to hear Ennis or think of what had to come next, his eyes closed

"It's time to go, bud."

Jack stood there scuffing the ground with his boot, squeezing Ennis' hand, trying but failing to hold time still. Realizing that there was nothing he could do, he turned to Ennis and held him tight. He didn't dare try to speak for fear the tears would start…can't in front of Ennis, he thought. He reached up and took Ennis' face in his hands and kissed him…not gently but not fiercely either.

Ennis had returned his hug and kiss with equal need to hold time still…but he was stronger and knew that Jack had to go.

"Come on, rodeo, ya ain't gonna get back to Texas if ya don't get in that truck."

Jack walked to his truck, Ennis' arm thrown over his shoulder. He kinda shuffled, once again, hoping it would give him an extra minute with Ennis.

They got to the truck and Ennis opened the drive's side door. He gave Jack one last hug and then slapped him on the back, grabbed his shoulder and faked a hearty laugh for Jack's sake…and his own, "Don't worry, bud, August'll come soon. We'll go someplace different this time. Maybe do some huntin'. Okay?"

Jack found his voice, "Sure thing, Ennis," gave a weak smile, one last quick kiss and got in the truck. He had his keys out and in his hand, his arm resting on the window of the door, looking at the steering wheel. Ennis put both his hands on Jack's forearm, "You be careful on that road back to Texas now. Send me a card sometime, let me know how you're doin', okay?"

Jack looked at Ennis to say, "Please, Ennis, don't make me leave. Please, don't send me away anymore," but couldn't, knowing nothing would come of it. They had been through this already and always with the same result…Ennis would say how two men can't live together, how it'd be the death of them, how they had families and all the rest of the reasons that Ennis came up with. With all his arguments, he had not been able to budge Ennis from his conviction that this was the only way things could be.

It wouldn't be any different now.

So all he said was, "Okay, Ennis. Long time till August, but I'll be here for sure." Ennis smiled, patted his forearm, and stepped back so Jack could drive off.

His hand shook as he tried to put the key in. He was holding all his pain back so he didn't cry in front of Ennis.

He started to see his empty marriage, his abusive father-in-law, the loneliness all beginning to envelop him…suffocating. The only bright spot to help him through all of this was Bobby. He'd keep Jack afloat until he could see Ennis again.

He started the truck, took one last look at Ennis, tried to give him a smile to remember him with and headed out to Texas.

Ennis walked over to his truck a little unsteady. He saw that it was difficult for Jack when it came time to leave, so tried to stand strong for him but wasn't able to pretend forever.

He leaned against the hood and let some of his pain…and some tears…flow out from him…it killed him to have to let Jack go like this. But better this than both killed by hatred and ignorance.

Unlike Jack the dreamer, the bright one…Ennis was the solid, down-to-earth one. Ennis was a doer, not a thinker. Where Jack saw his feelings and acted on them, Ennis couldn't, for the most part, even find his. Ennis did. Jack felt.

Once Ennis set his mind that something was what it was supposed to be, it was very difficult to get him to deviate. He saw that the two of them couldn't live together…to him this was clear. In order to protect Jack…and himself…they would only be able to meet back up here in the mountains where no one could see. Ennis thought this a solid reason for depriving each of the other.

He had listened to all of Jack's arguments and pleas, but the image of the tire iron always came to impose itself over anything Jack said. In his mind, he was the only one that seemed concerned about the implications, complications, and ramifications of two men living together. "Jack's got his head in the clouds," Ennis thought, "always looking up, never looking where he's walkin'." He would have to be strong for the both of them regardless of how Jack felt…Jack would have to stand it.

He saw how this hurt Jack but because he had pushed his own pain down so far, he couldn't understand how much worse it was for Jack. He couldn't comprehend how it was tearing Jack apart not to be able to give Ennis everything of himself each day they were alive. And because Ennis didn't feel or understand fully what Jack was experiencing…only what he, himself, was seeing…he saw no reason to change the relationship.

The advantage that Ennis had over Jack was Ennis' ability to shove everything down and out of the way so none of it interfered, so he could continue his life in between times with Jack…his life in general…without undue stress or pain. Jack was completely incapable of doing this. Where Ennis could sedate himself to not feel the pain and loss, Jack felt it all the time. It couldn't help but take its toll…and it would.

He knew he was doing the right thing…only because he couldn't comprehend Jack's side of things.

Ennis got in his truck. He took a moment because already the world was lonelier without Jack. He looked around the campsite area. He could still feel Jack here.

But now he had to go back to Alma….where there was no love…and his work on the ranch. He had to go back to a lie, a life of hiding who he was, hiding his feelings for Jack lest they surface and people know.

Like Jack, he had his girls to shed some light in his life until he could see him again. It wasn't enough, but it helped.

Ennis started the truck and sat with his hands on the steering wheel, "August'll be here soon. He'll be fine. Five months'll be gone before ya know it. He'll be okay," like a mantra, setting it in his head that he was right about this.

"He'll be okay," he said again. "I'll be okay," he thought, but that was a tiny voice and easily pushed aside. Ennis had to believe that it would all be okay or admit to himself and accept that he was wrong. And if he was wrong…what had he been putting Jack through all this time? He wouldn't be able to live with the answer to that question.

He pulled out and headed back to Riverton.

It's okay. August'll be here before ya know it.