This storyline was suggested by my good friend, Shawn. While not a BBM fan (sad to say) he does listen patiently while I ramble on and on and on about the boys. So thanks, Shawn.

If We Knew Then…

Ennis woke up, not sure for a minute where he was. He looked around…the room was empty, he was lying on a strange bed. A TV was mounted at the corner of the wall and ceiling. A curtain was pulled down one side of his bed. He had a view of the window. It was grey and rainy outside. He didn't know what day of the week it was.

He turned his head, no one sat in the one chair on his side of the room. He didn't remember if anyone had come to see him while he was there. He could hear the heavy breathing of the other patient in the room and sounds of people and equipment from outside his door.

His mouth was dry. He reached for the water pitcher and cup on the stand next to his table. He noticed his hands, they were old and thin, knuckles swollen from arthritis. For a moment he wondered who they belonged to. He brought his hands to his face…wrinkles, skin dried from years of hard work and sun. The very odd thought came to him, "I'm an old man."

While trying to understand why that should be such a mystery to him, he poured himself some water to relieve the cotton mouth he had. He lay back now realizing how weak he was, how brittle he felt himself to be. He could see how the years had piled on top of him weighing him down, pushing him closer and closer to the dirt and dust that would take him at the end. He thought for sure that end was near.

His thoughts of dying brought thoughts of living…memories of things past. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the life he had led. He thought how lonely his life had been for so long…Alma was long dead, Junior and Francine had stopped coming by years ago, he had no one he could call a friend. He had pushed everyone away with his grief. He thought of the pain and desolation that he had endured since Jack died…how he had never felt whole or right again. There was no one for him to love or be loved by.

Memories of Jack. Usually they were hazy and indistinct, as if seen through panes of frosted glass. Ennis could barely remember his face. But today, images of Jack came rushing to his mind…the good and bad, the pleasant and painful. Today, his memories of Jack had a touch of solidness that was normally absent. They were clear, precise and very close.

Ennis could see Jack as if he were in the room…it was the Brokeback summer. Jack, running, jumping, playing the fool. Jack, staring at Ennis from under his hat when he thought Ennis couldn't see him, that silly little smile on his lips. Jack, sweaty and breathing hard in a dark tent, on the mountain in the moonlight.

But these weren't his only memories of Jack. He saw…

Jack….as he stood at the truck the day they left the mountain, pleading with his eyes, his body, "Don't leave, Ennis. Don't turn me away." Ennis had given him no hope even though he wanted with all his heart to hold Jack close. But he walked away. He could feel Jack's hopes crushed. He could feel his own life slip away.

Jack….in the mountains by the river a couple days after their reunion in Riverton. Jack's eyes, even in the moonlight, sparkling and shining, his smile broad across his face. "A cow and calf operation…" he had said. "A sweet life…" he had said. Again, Ennis felt Jack's hopes and dreams crushed when he told him it wouldn't be that way. Again, Ennis felt his life slipping away.

Ennis tried to let go of the memories but they were coming faster now and clearer.

Jack….leaving the mountains where he and Ennis had spent time, in tears, because again Ennis had stood firm and refused Jack a life closer together.

Jack….after Ennis' divorce, pushed away again. His heart mangled so badly now that the love Jack had for Ennis had begun to turn to anger and bitterness.

Jack….leaving fishing trips, meet ups, get togethers, dispirited, a little more bitter, a little less the Jack from Brokeback. All the time, Ennis standing firm, refusing to see the damage caused to each of them by his stance on their being together.

Jack….Ennis telling him he could kill him for what he doesn't want to know. Jack, turning and finally venting the anger and pain that he had been feeling for years…realizing that this could be it…the end.

Jack….dead on the side of a road, not from an accident, Ennis knew, but the tire iron.

Ennis was lost in this vortex of memory and emotion. How did he get here? How could he stop it? It was too much, too overwhelming. "I don't want to see this!' he screamed in his mind.

The pain he was feeling in this remembrance was real to him and powerful. All the things Jack had been feeling he felt now. All that he had done to Jack coming back to him. All his fears multiplied over all the times they met, pounding on his mind.

The realization of what he had done to Jack, had put him through all those years, coming to the forefront. All the pain that he had suffered by rejecting Jack and his love for Jack, swelling inside him.

But it still wasn't over…

He saw the life he had endured after Jack's death. Desolate, despairing, haunted. Unable to recover, he saw how he had pushed and turned people away. Unable to cope, he saw the poverty he endured and the devastation that can cause a human being to retreat from everything around him.

He saw the 30 years of his life after Jack's death...wasted, agonizing, spent in a personal hell of regret, guilt, and self-blame. He saw his death…alone, hating himself, the empty shell of a human being.

He tried to shout, to scream, anything to relieve this pain he was in. He heard a sound as of an animal in pain. A moan of despair and anguish, building, louder…

ooooooooooooo

Jack was jarred awake by the sound of something in pain. He started up to look outside thinking it was one of the horses when he realized it was coming from next to him. He turned as he heard Ennis let out a moan of anguish, a wail of agony and pain. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he felt chilled to the bone.

Before Jack could move or respond to what was happening, Ennis sat bolt upright and put his hands to his face crying, "No, no, please, no…don't let it be that way." He was sobbing. He started to fight, trying to get out. Jack realized Ennis didn't know where he was but couldn't help him. Luckily Ennis was pointed at the tent flap so made it outside. Jack noticed that he had not opened his eyes yet.

Ennis got out into the open, Jack right behind, calling his name.

Ennis stood for a moment in the moonlight, Jack coming up to him, pleading with him to turn around, "Ennis, what's the matter, talk to me!"

Ennis went straight to his knees sobbing as if the whole world was coming to an end, shouting, "Jack. I'm sorry, Jack. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, Jack. I loved you. Please, don't leave me alone. I'm sorry."

Jack had been trying to get Ennis to look at him but now took a step back. "What did he just say?"

"It shouldn't a been that way, Jack. It's cause a me they got you. I wasn't there to save you."

Ennis' sobbing had begun to diminish. He knelt, his forehead on the ground, his hands wrapped behind his head. He just kept saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Jack was still stunned by Ennis' actions and the things he had heard him say. He shook off his paralysis and bent to help Ennis.

Ennis was kneeling there, rocking a little, just mumbling, "No, no, no, it can't be. I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry." Jack got down with him and started calling his name, softly so as not to startle him. He stayed this way until Ennis had stopped crying.

Slowly, Ennis sat up, his eyes open though swollen from the crying. He wiped his face with his coat sleeve. His eyes began to focus and he started to look around, though still without much recognition.

The vision he had been caught in was superimposed over the reality of Brokeback and Jack. He couldn't look at one without seeing the other. He saw Brokeback as it was right then and also through the lens of 50 years of memory.

He turned and saw Jack, who had his own tears running down his face from fear for Ennis.

"Ja..ack." Ennis said with a hiccup.

"Ennis, my God, are you alright?"

Ennis reached out to touch Jack and stopped for a moment. He could see the Jack of memory…angry, bitter, pained with the inability to break Ennis' chokehold on their relationship. He saw the now-Jack…beautiful, bright, the dreamer, and in love with Ennis despite himself.

Jack reached up and took Ennis' hand in his. Ennis, confused by the vision, looked Jack straight in the face. Jack saw enormous pain in Ennis' eyes…pain far greater than a man of his young age should have to experience..

"Jack, I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. I didn't mean to, Jack. I was so afraid and loved you so much…but I couldn't help ya, Jack, when I needed to."

The vision was fading and the reality of Brokeback coming clear now. Ennis began to look around him seeing things as they were in that moment, not in a distant, painful future.

Jack was desperate now and had ahold of Ennis' coat, calling to him, trying to get Ennis to look him.

Ennis could hear Jack like he was off in the distance. As the vision cleared the reality of Brokeback was all that he could see now. The memory had faded but was not gone.

Jack was crying and calling his name. Ennis put his head down and tears fell softly. He reached for Jack holding onto him tightly, remembering the pain that the two had suffered because of him. Jack kept talking to him, now softly and gently.

The crying had stopped for the both of them. Ennis stood letting go of Jack, walked on unstable legs down to the stream and splashed some water on his face…the cold helping to clear his head more. He stood up, wiping his face on his sleeve. Jack was right beside him, calmer now, but still at a complete loss as to what had happened.

Ennis sat back on the bank of the river, exhausted, empty…vague little ripples from the nightmare rushing across his sight.

Ennis looked up and, seeing Jack's concern, reached over and took his hand. "I'm okay, Jack. It's alright. Come here." And he drew Jack to him and held him for awhile while he looked back, trying to understand in some way, any way, what had just happened.

Jack tried to question him but all Ennis would say was that he'd had a bad dream, a really bad dream. Jack knew that wasn't the whole truth but Ennis had clamped down now and wasn't going to speak about it. He had wanted to ask him why he said, "I love you."

After a little while, Ennis got up and walked over to the fire, tossing some logs on. Jack had followed him.

Ennis looked up at Jack when he approached. Jack saw a pain in Ennis' eyes, like he had experienced hell and come back. Ennis meanwhile saw only the pain he had caused Jack…was going to cause Jack…had experienced in this dream. It was all so confusing. He couldn't get his mind to work right.

Ennis sat on the ground near their log. Jack stood a little ways away. Ennis would shake his head occasionally like he was trying to get something out of it. Jack didn't know what to do.

Ennis looked up at Jack, now with a need, a longing in his eyes that was deeper than any Jack had seen with Ennis before. Ennis looked back down, then up again.

"Jack….please?" Ennis had timidly reached for Jack asking him to sit with him.

Jack moved immediately to Ennis' side taking his hand as he sat. Ennis held his hand for a moment then slowly leaned into Jack until he was enveloped in his arms. He cried softly for awhile, Jack could feel little tremors running through his body.

They sat there together until the fire burned low. When they went back to the tent, Ennis asked if Jack would just stay close to him that night while he slept.

ooooooooooooooo

Nearly a week had gone by. The dream had begun to fade, moving from the foreground to a place in the back of Ennis' mind. A lot of the pain stayed with him.

Jack felt left out and useless. If he did something for Ennis, Ennis would thank Jack but wouldn't talk any more than that. If Jack asked him about that night, Ennis would turn to him and say quietly, "I can't right now, Jack. Someday, okay?"

Sometimes Ennis would grab Jack and hold him as if he was gonna disappear at any moment. Other times, he'd stand alone, staring off at the mountains. Sometimes Jack could hear him crying off away from the camp.

In the tent at night, Ennis was gentle and attentive. Jack had never seen this side of him. He was used to Ennis trying to ignore the fact that it was a man with him, but not now. There was no hesitation for Ennis, now, to recognize it was Jack.

oooooooooooooooooo

Jack was looking for busy work to do around the camp site while waiting for Ennis to come down for supper. He expected him in another couple hours, so was surprised when he heard Ennis' horse coming down the path from the sheep.

"Ennis, you okay? Whattya doin' here so early?"

Ennis jumped from his saddle and strode over to where Jack was standing. He caught Jack by his coat lapels and pulled him close, mouth to mouth, body to body. It was a passionate kiss like Jack was used to from Ennis but unlike any kiss he and Ennis had ever exchanged.

"Jack, saddle up and come with me."

Jack, still stunned by the kiss, was confused. "But, Ennis, I gotta make supper and ain't nothing started, I mean, you bein' here so early."

"Don't worry about supper, Jack. Saddle up. Come on. Hurry up, rodeo, time's a-wastin'" Ennis was clearly excited and trying to contain it.

Jack strode over to his horse, looking back at Ennis occasionally, thinking that he had finally gone mad from all the stress of the past week or so. He saddled her and rode over to where Ennis was waiting.

Ennis turned and led the way to a little glade in the area that Jack hadn't known about. A beautiful place…a stream running through it, tall trees circling and the mountains rising above. If Jack hadn't been so concerned about Ennis, he'd have thought this one of the most magical places he had ever seen.

Ennis dismounted, followed by Jack. Ennis walked over and took Jack by the hand…itself a rare event…and led him to a little rise in the glade, the sun beaming down.

Ennis sat pulling Jack down beside him. Jack looked around thinking this was an unusually beautiful place. Ennis was watching Jack and when he turned back around to Ennis, saw Ennis looking right at him.

Ennis put his head down, like he was embarrassed. "Okay, Jack, I got some things I wanna say to you." Ennis looked up at Jack. Jack was clueless as to why he was here.

"I come to know some things now that I didn't know before. Some things about me…and some about you. Me? I know now that all my life I been afraid. Afraid of openin' up to anyone. Afraid of getting' hurt. I was so afraid that I turned myself inside out and lived deep inside where no one could get to me.

"Problem here, Jack, is that you got to me. I fought tooth and nail not to let that happen, but it did and now I sit here with you. And God's honest truth, Jack, I don't think I'd rather be anywhere else."

Ennis hesitated for a moment, "I love you, Jack Twist. More than you can know."

Jack could have been carved from marble as still as he got.

Ennis turned to Jack so he faced him straight on, "And here's something about you I come to know." Ennis looked at Jack kinda sideways with a little grin on his face.

"I know, Mr. Rodeo, that you love me, too." Jack's heart skipped a beat. He had come to accept his love for Ennis but it was a closely guarded secret.

Ennis was enjoying this immensely.

"I'm thinkin' that the only proper solution to this here situation is that I never leave your side, Jack…because, ya know, as my daddy said, you rodeo cowboys are fuckups. No telling what kind of trouble you'd get in if I ain't there to watch over you." A single tear was rolling down Jack's face.

Ennis leaned in toward him, now totally serious, "Jack, you think you could spare some time to spend with a dirt-poor cowboy from Wyoming? I clean up real good."

ooooooooooooo

Ennis had just woke up, forgetting for a moment where he was. He looked up and saw the TV mounted in the corner of the wall and ceiling. Around the room he saw all the flowers that his friends had brought. He looked over at the one chair in the room and saw Jack sitting there, reading some book he had bought in the gift shop. Jack looked up when he heard the movement.

"Hey, cowboy. How ya feelin'?"

"Could use some water." Jack poured him a glass and handed it to Ennis. He finished it and handed it back to Jack. As he did, he saw that his hands were wrinkled and the joints swollen with arthritis. Somehow this action seemed familiar. He reached up to feel his face…wrinkled from hard work and years in the sun. "I'm old now," he said.

"You been old for a long time now, bud. This just occurring to ya?" Jack smiled at that knowing that it helped keep Ennis' spirits up if he jabbed at him every now and then. Ennis replied, "Well, I ain't the only one looks like a prune around here."

Ennis got serious after a moment reaching over to take Jack's hand. "Jack, long ago, I asked you if you could spare some time for a cowboy from Wyoming. I'm glad you did, Jack. I'm awful glad you did." Jack looked away to regain his composure.

Ennis took a moment because his chest was tightening and his eyes tearing up. "I want you to know…you are the only one I've ever loved. There was never anyone but you, rodeo. Always you." Ennis tried to blink back the tears. "Don't you ever forget that, okay?"

Jack smiled, eyes a little teary. "Ennis, you have loved me more than one person can humanly love another. I don't know that I ever deserved a love like that. You have cared for me and protected me just like you said that day on Brokeback." Jack stopped, remembering. "That day…I'll never understand what happened then to turn you around so."

Ennis looked at Jack squarely in the eye, "I got another chance that day, Jack. A second chance…"

End