An Admission

Ennis had set out before dawn that day. He hadn't been able to sleep for thinking of Jack and before the sun was up had saddled his horse and headed down to the camp site. He figured by the time he got there, Jack would at least be up and he could help him with breakfast. Well, that's not all he wanted to help him with but, first things first, breakfast.

It was a quiet ride down from the sheep, cool that morning. The birds had just started to wake and you could hear the occasional peep from the trees. The tips of the mountains had started to light up as dawn approached while the stars faded to wait for night to come.

Ennis didn't think in words like beautiful, wonderful, majestic, but even though he didn't have the words, he had realized lately that he had the feelings. And he only had the feelings, he knew, because Jack had taught him how. So he road down to the camp feeling the beauty of the pre-dawn glow in the sky, wonder at these vast open spaces, and majesty when he caught glimpses of the mountains through the trees.

Jack was teaching him a lot of things. Some he knew of, some he wouldn't until later…in some instances, much later.

He had made the last turn on the trail that led to the camp and saw that there was no movement. Everything, he could see, was in place showing there was no danger. So he knew that Jack just hadn't gotten up yet. He had started to call Jack some names, when he remembered that he was really early that day. Jack wouldn't be up for a little while yet since he wasn't expecting Ennis for a bit longer.

Ennis' thoughts of Jack had put him in a good, but rowdy, mood. His thoughts moved to how best to rile Jack up. Ennis thought it was the funniest thing to see Jack jump around all irate and such. He got off his horse and tied him up back from the camp.

He came down the trail quiet…very quiet…a skill he had. As he got near the tent, he started shuffling through the brush, pushing logs around, throwing things, whoofing so he could sound like a bear. As he got really close, he brushed up against the tent and heard "Jesus!" Jack was awake now!

He kept moving around the tent shaking stuff, shoving things aside, brushing up against the tent some more. He could hear Jack in a low voice. He wasn't sure if he was cussing or praying. He gave the tent one more big shake and walked away through the brush like the bear was leaving.

He quietly went back to the camp and sat on the log by the fire pit facing right at the tent. He composed himself so he wouldn't give anything away. He didn't have long to wait for Jack.

The tent flap opened just a little. Ennis could see Jack peering out. It was still a little dark, so knew that it might be hard for Jack to see him.

Jack poked his head out looking around. Suddenly he spotted Ennis. He got out of the tent, peering this way and that trying not to show how scared he had been.

"Ennis…..uh, whattya doin' down here….uh , this is kinda early?" He was walking toward the side of the tent looking back into the brush. Ennis didn't answer.

"You been here long? Uh, you…uh, didn't hear anything kinda in the brush back here when you came in didja?"

Ennis was unable to restrain himself and looking straight at Jack, a corner of his mouth went up in a smile.

Jack's brain snapped to what had happened. Ennis had expected him to jump on him, laugh, and wrestle around a bit. He saw Jack freeze up, his jaw tighten, and his hands clench. He wasn't expecting this type of response.

"YOU, SON OF A BITCH! YOU PIECE A SHIT….WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WAS DOING SCARIN' THE FUCK OUTTA ME LIKE THAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE…WHY WOULD YOU…YOU MADE ME THINK A BEAR WAS OUT HERE…" Jack had started to become incoherent. Ennis lost his smile, stunned. Jack had never acted like this before toward him.

Jack was walking around waving his hands, still shouting at Ennis.

Ennis walked up near Jack, "Jack, it was just a joke, okay? What's all this getting' mad about?"

"A joke? You think that's a joke? What the fuck is wrong with you, Ennis?"

"Jack, come on now, calm down. It ain't all that. I was just foolin', Jack. I didn't mean no harm."

Jack turned to Ennis, "I'm gonna bash your fucking head in," and Jack started frantically scanning the area, "just let me…find some kinda…head-bashing type a something…"

Ennis had reached Jack and put his hand on his shoulder. Jack jumped back, "Get the fuck away from me!"

"Jack, now, yer goin' a bit far with this, don't ya think?"

Jack had backed up, a tear ran down his cheek.

"Jack, what the hell is goin' on here? I didn't mean no harm." Ennis had started getting defensive now, which showed in his tight lips, narrowing eyes, and hunched shoulders.

"Stay the hell away from me, asshole!"

"Now, Jack, I said I was sorry. Let's not go too far with this."

"Too far, ya think I'm goin' too far?" Jack cried out to Ennis, "I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE, YOU FUCK, AND ALL I COULD THINK WAS I'D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!"

Lower, "I wouldn't have been able to say goodbye." Jack started to sob, his head hanging, his hands on his knees.

Ennis froze where he stood.

Jack cried where he was standing.

Ennis blinked……………………………………………then blinked again.

He remembered that he had to breathe.

Jack had just crossed a line between the two of them…even if it was in anger. Jack had just told Ennis how much he cared for him. Now Ennis couldn't ignore that any longer.

With Jack's declaration, Ennis saw instantly the mirrored feeling in himself. He saw that he, too, would have died thinking of Jack. Before, Ennis kept it in his mind that it was just sex…nothing more. Now he had to accept that their relationship was much deeper than he thought…than he had let himself think.

He took one step.

Jack was walking in little circles now.

Ennis took a couple more steps that put him within reach of Jack.

"Jack…" Ennis said softly as he reached for his shoulder.

"Get the fuck away from me!" Jack pushed his hand away.

"Come on, Jack, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry." He walked closer to Jack. The only thing Ennis could bring to his mind right now was how to handle a frightened horse. So he just kept quietly walking toward Jack as Jack kept backing up. He kept calling his name softly.

"Jack, come on, bud. That was wrong a me to do, I know that. I wasn't thinking."

He had reached for Jack again. Jack was facing away from him. He put his hand on Jack's shoulder.

"No, go away," Jack said, still crying. But now not as forcefully.

Ennis got his other hand on Jack's other shoulder. He was shaking, little tremors running through him with the sobbing. He had his hand to his face.

"Jack, come on, come here, please. I'm real sorry, Jack. Please, don't cry no more."

"You're an asshole."

"Yeah, Jack, I been called that before. Come on now. Turn around, okay? Come on, Jack."

He got Jack to turn around. When he did Jack threw his arms around Ennis' middle holding on like Ennis was gonna be taken away at any moment.

Ennis now had a different way to look at Jack…a different understanding now of why Jack looked at him, held him, lay with him the way he did. That meant, of course, he saw all these things in himself also.

"It's okay, rodeo, hmm? It's okay. I ain't goin' nowhere. I'm sorry, it was a stupid joke. I won't never do nothin' like that again, alright?"

Jack wanted to say more right then like, "Don't leave me. Don't ever go away. I got nothin' if you ain't around." But held back. He had let that one truth out during his outburst only because he was incapable of thinking at the moment and said what he had been feeling.

Ennis held tightly to Jack wanting to say more, "I feel the same way, Jack. I don't wanna ever let you go. I don't want to die, either, without saying goodbye."

They stood there for a little while. Both recovering from the intensity of the event.

"Did I really sound like a bear?" Ennis said softly.

Jack laughed, "Fuck you."

"No, really. I thought, ya know, the rustling around was pretty good, but I don't know that I got that bear part really down. Whattya think there, rodeo?"

Jack just laughed still holding on to Ennis.

"I mean, seemed okay to me, but you might notta thought that. Maybe, you thought I was some kinda wild rabbit or something."

Jack laughed and pushed Ennis away. "Fuck you, Ennis," this said with a more civil and playful tone."

"Well, I don't know what you was hearing in that tent. Coulda been a rabbit…or coulda been a squirrel. Whattya think, Jack, you was scared of a rabbit or a squirrel?"

Jack had been standing a little distance away, his back to Ennis. He looked around at Ennis, "I'll show you rabbit or squirrel!" and jumped at Ennis taking him down in one motion.

They tussled and wrestled for a little bit, Ennis letting Jack get the best of him.

They ended up on the ground side by side facing each other.

Ennis, showing Jack by his expression he was dead serious, told him, "I'm real sorry, Jack. I'd never do nothin' to hurt you, ya know that. I was just rarin' to get down here to see ya and…well, I guess I just went too far." Ennis looked down and away for a moment, "It weren't the same up there without ya. I…uh, I guess… I missed ya some."

Jack saw this admission of Ennis' as straight from the heart. He couldn't fault Ennis for anything when he showed the inside of himself that way. Jack knew he was probably the only person for a long time that he would do that with.

"You're still an asshole…and I'm sorry I called you all them names. I mean, some of them…"

Ennis laughed. Jack was real creative when he started cussing.

"So, well, ya know," Ennis said, "now that you're awake and, uh, I'm here and, ya know, we done got so worked up…wondering if there weren't something we could do that would, um, ease things up some, ya know?"

"I don't know, Ennis. I mean, you done me wrong here today. I don't know if I can help you with…" Ennis planted one on Jack's lips drawing him close. He tried to show him how sorry he was for what he had done.

When Ennis released him, Jack said, "Well, now, that does make things a little better…"

Ennis laughed. Jack laughed.

The sun came up…another day dawned.

end