A/N: Sorry for the long wait in updating, but I had an awful time with this chapter. It just wouldn't go right. There are still parts of it I don't like, but I got tired of rewriting it. There's a scene with Meyn I must have deleted and changed at least five times.
I'm feeling a little discouraged as well, in reading some other Rikku/Gippal stuff. It seems my plot is no where near as original as I thought, and I'm afraid the story is rapidly losing it's interesting-ness. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. Anyway, this chapter really posed a problem for me. If you think Gippal is OOC, feel free to tell me. He was NOT cooperating and getting IN character, so I'll blame it all on him. :)

Chapter 9

I can remember as a kid being unable to understand the expression 'lost in thought'. There was one instance that stands out in my mind in particular, where my mom was standing in our kitchen staring off into space and I asked her what was wrong.

"Nothing honey," she'd replied. "I was just lost in thought."

"But how can you be lost in thought," I'd asked in juvenile confusion. "When you're standing right there?"

My mom had laughed then, favoring me with one of her beautiful smiles. "Thought isn't a place, honey, it's a something you do with your mind. Lost in thought just means you got so busy with thinking you forgot about everything else."

I had wrinkled my nose, both eyes (that was back when I had two) scrunching up in distaste. "It doesn't sound like fun."

My mom had laughed again, then cajoled me into helping her with the dishes.

I remembered that conversation with a ironic little smirk now as I sat in my office, lost in thought.

Rikku was gone. She left with Derrick just a little while ago, after our. . . conversation. She had apologized for the night before, and I'd been a little hurt. I didn't want her apologizing for the night before.

Having Rikku break down and sob into my chest certainly had surprised me, but it hadn't been displeasing. The last time I had heard her cry was when she was seven years old and Brother broke her favorite toy machina. She'd broke into loud wails, then promptly punched him in the face.

She didn't even cry when we split up, I remembered suddenly. Nor when I left for the Crimson Squad. Having her do so last night had been a bit of a shock, but I hadn't minded.

Even though I knew she could take care of herself, I had always enjoyed playing her protector when we were kids. She'd follow me around in the desert and I would convince her the sand ants near us were poisonous to get her shrieking in terror when they tried to crawl on up her legs. Then I'd kill them easily with my foot or a stick and claim I'd saved her life. She usually ended up hitting me the next day when she found out there were no such things as poisonous sand ants, but I liked thinking she had been replying on me to protect her. Like a knight in shining armor, I believe I once said. I got to fulfill that role-- to a certain degree-- again last night. And not just once either.

The memory of her demanding that I not sleep in the hard chair put a brief smile on my face. I'd almost ruined it with a comment about Ryhcis, but I hadn't been able to control myself. I felt absolutely awful when I nearly made her cry again, so I said I didn't want to leave and gently coaxed her to sleep, forcing Ryhcis from my mind. She had asked about him, wondering if he had come to see her. I told her that he did, but she'd been asleep. I didn't mention that I wouldn't let him into the room and told him to go the hell away and not come back.

This morning I had woken up in a position that I first thought had to be a dream. Even now, I find it hard to believe l had actually woken up in Rikku's bed, the slim Al Bhed curled trustingly in my arms, her body warm and soft against mine, her face peaceful and her breathing slow and even.

Of course then I remembered where I was and felt I'd better get out before Brother woke up. I hadn't been able to resist giving Rikku a light kiss on the forehead before letting myself out of her room, and heading towards my own. I had taken a shower, dressed, and was about to go back and check on Rikku when a faction member came and told me about the reporters.

Damn those reporters! I let my head sink into my hands as my thoughts turned from almost pleasantly confused to just plain confused. I didn't know what to make of any of it-- the murders at Bevelle, Al Bhed Vun Spira, Ryhcis. . .

That had been the reason Rikku had practically run screaming from my office not too long ago. I had told her to be careful again, told her I didn't want anything to happen her, then leaned closer, my eye fixed on her face, my lips almost painfully close to hers-- and then Derrick had walked in.

I sighed, staring through my fingers at the floor, where the files I had dropped upon hearing the Asankahlo call still lay scattered about. That call had announced the explosion which I was still sure Ryhcis had something to do with.

He had seemed generally and truly upset about the fact Rikku had been hurt, though, so I wasn't sure exactly what his involvement was, but I knew it was something. I refused to give him up as a suspect yet, for a number of reasons.

One, he had the opportunity. Two, he'd had that suspicious conversation with Meyn. Three, he was Rikku's boyfriend I and I just generally didn't like him, and would have loved to prove him guilty and see Rikku dump him.

I sighed again, not even bothering to try and bring my thoughts to order. They were spinning about so wildly that they stopped making any sense at all, and I had a sudden desire be outside. My thoughts turned to Home with the scorching sun and the shifting sands, the harsh climate that we Al Bhed had sought refuge in for so long. I wished I was there then, with the hot wind blowing the sand, making it sting my skin, and Rikku standing at my side, laughing into the sun and smiling at the world.

With nearly frantic desperation now, I darted towards the door, throwing it open and practically bolting into the hallway.

Derrick had said Sahden dismissed the reporters, but I decided to take a side door out of the temple just in case. There was a little clearing there that was peaceful and secluded, and seemed a good place to sit and gather my thoughts.

Just before I entered the quiet glade, however, someone stepped in front of me and I barreled into them, nearly knocking them over.

It was Meyn.

"Hello, sir," he said pleasantly, despite the fact that I had almost knocked him off his feet. "It's nice to see you again, despite the circumstances. I was sorry to hear about the explosion."

I made a noncommittal noise in my throat. "I suppose you heard about the one in Bevelle then too?" I asked, unable to help my voice from sounding rather hostile.

"Ghastly business," Meyn replied in his old fashioned sounding Al Bhed. "And to think, Al Bhed Vun Spira has been accused by some as being the cause behind it." He shook his head sadly. I just looked at him. After a few moments of awkward silence he coughed slightly. "So. . . have you thought anymore about my proposal?"

"Yes." I had read the papers Meyn left for me. They went on and on about Al Bhed Vun Spira's purpose-- to dispel the old prejudices against our race, assimilate the Al Bhed into more of Spira than just Bikanel, and share our inventions and ideas with the world-- but they said little about their methods. "But my answer still stands."

"Perhaps the attack on Bevelle has had an effect on you as well?" Meyn asked with a sly smile that made me want to smack him across the face. "You don't want to announce your support with a group that is being suspected of murder?"

"Perhaps." I refused to be intimidated. "But the answer is no, regardless."

"I'm regret to hear that," Meyn said with one of his annoying bows. "And I hope you may yet change your mind. This would have been a very good time for Spira to learn of your support. But maybe some other time."

I made another indistinct noise in my throat, and my eye narrowed slightly. I wasn't going to give the slightest inch to this guy. Perhaps he realized this, for he bowed again and moved off towards the front of the temple.

I stared after him unhappily for a bit, my thoughts still wild and confused, but now moving sluggishly as if I'd been drugged. That put a brief smile on my face as I wondered if drugs might be the answer to my problems. One can't be confused if they're high, right?

Of course, I had responsibilities and all, being the leader of the faction, and there were lots of people who relied on me, so getting high off drugs might not be the wisest choice. Besides, the one time I had tried anything remotely like that I had vomited so much that I nearly passed out. So drugs were out. Alcohol, on the other hand. . .

Chuckling ruefully at myself, I moved back into the temple, no longer in the mood for sitting alone with my thoughts. I wanted to be with people, to talk with them and laugh with them and have them take my mind of things.

Of course, the one person I wanted to be with more than anyone was Rikku, because I know she could have me laughing in no time. She'd smile as I teased her, than retort with a comeback of her own, to which I would possibly respond to by tugging on her hair, and she'd try and kick me, and I'd pretend it didn't hurt. . .

Rikku's working, I told myself firmly. She's busy, and you'd do best to leave her alone. She doesn't want to see you now anyway.

I paused as I realized what I had just said to myself. The knowledge was like a physical blow. Rikku didn't want to see me, did she? She had made that quite plain when she'd fled from my office earlier, no doubt with plans to hook up with her 'boyfriend' this evening. He'd been all "Until dinner, Rikku."

Ugh, just the thought of his smooth voice and elegantly proper Al Bhed made me tense up in anger. At least he had said "Rikku" and not "sweetie" or "darling". If he'd used any sort of pet name I would have been forced to punch him.

Noting that my hands had clenched themselves into fist of their own accord, I diverted my course once more. Mingling with people suddenly didn't seem like such a good idea. I felt I'd be much better off distracting myself with work, and so I headed back to my study.

Rikku didn't want to see me. I wouldn't go see her. I didn't need to check up on her. I'd see her at dinner. I could wait that long. I would wait that long.

"No problem," I said to myself as I entered my study again and finally started picking up those files. "No problem," I said, but I lied.
---

I spent the afternoon in my study, sorting files and signing papers and writing reports and doing all the things I'm supposed to do as a leader but usually put off because I hate doing them. I prefer the hands on stuff that comes with being a leader. The paper work, I can do without.

I suffered it for a whole afternoon, however. And then I went to dinner. Then, I saw Rikku.

She was next to Ryhcis, of course. His arm was draped across the back of her chair and she was smiling at him. I felt that odd burning sensation rise within me once more. It was like anger, only different. Deeper. I didn't want her smiling for anyone but me.

Brother was on her other side, gesturing wildly as he related what was no doubt some very loud and incomprehensible anecdote involving him as the dashing hero. Rikku was looking at him and laughing, hitting him on the back of the head if one of his flailing hands came too close to her. The burning feeling faded, but did not disappear. I didn't want her laughing for anyone but me.

I made my way over to a table completely across the room from hers, making sure to swagger and smile like usual. I winked at a few different girls, but my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't help but think that I should have just stayed in my office. Rikku was obviously fine. She didn't need me.

I remained quite uncharacteristically gloomy and depressed-- but trying not to show it-- until the end of dinner when I saw Rikku get up. Ryhcis made a move to help her but she pushed him away, clearly telling him to stay and enjoy his meal. He stood up anyway, bent down, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. I felt the burning feeling well up inside of me again. This time it was so strong I momentarily zoned out in a kind of red, burning haze. I was barely aware of my hands fisting on my legs under the table, my jaw tightening, preoccupied with thoughts of storming over there, wrenching Ryhcis away from Rikku and punching him until I maimed his pretty boy face beyond recognition.

The kiss was quick and innocent, but to me it seemed to last a lifetime. Then Ryhcis was sitting down once more, and Rikku was saying something him with a smile. Then she turned and walked out of the mess hall, long gold hair swinging behind her. Immediately I got to my feet and followed.

Either she didn't hear me, or she didn't care, because she didn't acknowledge my presence at all as I walked behind her through the twisting hallways. I thought for a moment she was headed towards her workroom, but she turned aside, and I felt a twinge of dismay, sure she was going to her sleeping quarters.

She turned again, proving me wrong on both accounts, and pushed open the same side door I had fled through before. I followed quickly, and saw her disappearing into the secluded glade. I paused for a moment, examining my actions.

I had followed her without even thinking, intent on seeing her alone, on talking to her. Why? I missed her. I missed our playful banter and our easy joking. I wanted to make sure she was okay. I wanted to make sure she wasn't upset about what happened earlier. I wanted her away from Ryhcis. I wanted. . . her.

The thought struck me forcefully, and without warning. For a moment, I just stood there, mind blank. Then everything began to make sense. Flashes began to shoot through me head like a film strip.

Me, kissing Rikku. Rikku kissing me. Rikku hugging me. Me, turning her down. Rikku, so upset. Me, yelling at her for kissing Ryhcis. Me, jeal--

I shoved the thoughts away as forcefully as I could manage, even going so far as to hiss a little "no!" out loud because I was so intent on denying what my brain was telling me. I wasn't ready to accept what it was saying. I wouldn't accept it.

I could still talk to Rikku, though. As a friend. Just as a friend. Because I was worried about her. Gippal to Rikku, nothing more. I wasn't ready for it to be more. It couldn't be more. It wasn't more. It wasn't.

Taking a deep breath, I rounded some trees and brought a smug little smile to my face, as if I knew all the answers. Rikku was sitting on a tree stump at the opposite side of the clearing. The setting sun was behind her, giving her a sort of unearthly glow.

"Hey, Cid's Girl," I said, trying to keep my voice as normal as I could. Rikku jumped a little at the sound of my voice and rose somewhat unsteadily to her feet.

"Gippal," she stated, looking at me with wary eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay," I said with a carefully nonchalant shrug.

"Consideration, from Gippal?" Rikku said with mock surprise, echoing her words of her first night with a tentative smile, hoping to lighten the mood.

"You seemed a little upset earlier," I continued. Suddenly, I didn't want to engage in our customary playful teasing and jokes. I wanted to talk to her seriously instead.

"Yeah, maybe." She sighed, but soon broke out in a cheerful smile. Irrepressible, as always, she giggled. "Just disappointment that you saved me before I could tell Shelinda exactly where she could put her microphone."

I laughed at those words, both because they were funny and because I felt a happy glow that she thought I had 'saved her'.

We fell silent, and Rikku looked away, tucking her arms around her in a gesture that was very young and endearing. The desire to protect her flared up, and I wished it were my arms around her instead.

"I asked Ryhcis about that Meyn guy, you know," Rikku said at last, startling me. That was not what I had expected to hear. "And he said he's just an old friend. He's not a member of Al Bhed Vun Spira. Ryhcis, I mean. The only thing he's ever been a member of is your faction."

I nodded at that, not sure what to say. Her words didn't change my suspicions about Ryhcis in the slightest. She glanced up at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I met her eyes with mine.

"Do you love him?"

It was her turn to look surprised now, but I'm not sure I looked much different. After all, I had no idea where the words had come from. I'd just blurted them out without thinking. She looked away from me again, staring at the ground.

"Rikku?" I asked, thinking her upset. Her face has become unusually troubled and unhappy. I took a step nearer to her. She continued to look at the ground, and I thought she wasn't going to answer. I opened my mouth to apologize, but the words that came out were not anywhere close to 'I'm sorry'.

"Do you?" I demanded softly.

"I--" It seemed she was going to answer me after all. Her voice was small and childish sounding. "I. . . I don't know."

Those words left me feeling inexplicably lighthearted on the inside, despite the fact that my face creased in a frown.

"You don't know?"

Rikku shook her head, still staring at the ground. I remembered our moonlight conversation, and the question she had asked me.

"Because you've never been in love?"

She nodded this time, adding a little shrug of her small shoulders.

"A friend told me once. . ." Her voice was soft, hesitant. "That love is like falling. That you know you're in love because it feels like falling off a cliff-- a free fall without any sort of harness or protection."

I thought for a moment about that, a small smile tugging at my lips. I wondered if Yuna had told her that. It sounded like typical girly romantic drivel to me, but perhaps there was some truth to it.

"Do you agree?" Rikku asked, looking up at me at last, luminous green eyes wide.

I shrugged, not willing to give a definite answer. I regretted it when Rikku looked away again, her arms tightening around herself. Impulsively, I reached forward, taking both her hands in mine, causing her to look into my eye once more.

"I've never really been in love before, either," I admitted quietly. Her eyes widened slightly, and I grinned crookedly. "Surprise you?"

"A bit," Rikku said, smiling back at me.

I drank in the sight for a few minutes before speaking again. "When you're with Ryhcis--" It was my turn to look away now. "Do you feel like you're falling?"

I glanced up at her surreptitiously to see her shrug again. "I. . ." She seemed to be struggling for words. "I. . .I. . ."

I felt another, swooping sensation in my stomach as she stuttered, her hands tightening on mine. If she had said right away that yes, she loved Ryhcis, I would probably have left in discouragement already. But she wasn't saying it. It didn't seem she could say, nor was going to.

I took another step closer, drawing her into my arms, pressing her small, lithe body against my own. She continued to stare up at me, but she wasn't resisting. I bent down to put my lips next to her ear.

"You don't love him," I whispered. A shiver went through Rikku, her eyes fluttered closed, and her arms closed around me almost convulsively. She was still at a loss for words.

"I. . . I. . . I don't know," she whispered again. I slid my hand up her back, feeling the contrast of her taught muscles in her small frame. I knew she could be as hard as steel when she wanted to, but she felt as delicate as a daisy in my arms.

"Gippal. . ." My name was little more than a breath on her lips. I twined silky strands of golden hair around the fingers of one hand while I kept the other firmly at her waist, holding her close to me. "Gippal, please. . ."

I nuzzled her neck, drinking in the intoxicatingly mixed smell of her-- like metal and flowers. Like Rikku herself. My hand tangled further in her hair, and I pressed her still closer, careful not to crush her slender body.

"Gippal. . ." she said again. "Gippal, please don't make this harder for me."

"What?" I asked, hardly hearing her. I could feel her trembling against me, and my lips curled in a smile against her neck.

"Don't make this harder. . ."

I pulled back at the quiet desperation in her voice, searching her eyes which she had forced open once more. I saw worry and guilt and nervousness and anticipation, and something else, something deeper and stronger and more beautiful--

Before I knew what I was doing I had pressed my lips to hers, dropping my hand from her hair to wrap both arms fully around her, holding her against me as if I'd never let go.

Rikku gave a little shuddering sigh against my lips, but her arms had tightened around my waist as well, hands splayed flat against my back. And she was defiantly kissing me back.

I don't know how long we stood there, kissing one another slowly and deeply, oblivious to all else but each other. Nothing short of an explosion could have distracted us from out lips gently pressing, hands softly stroking, pulses racing wildly as we kissed and kissed again.

After what seemed like an eternity that lasted only a few rapid heartbeats, or a few rapid heartbeats that lasted an eternity, Rikku tore her mouth away from mine, gasping for breath. My head dropped down onto her shoulder. I wasn't breathing too regularly either, and it was impossible to tell who was shaking harder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. Rikku didn't answer at first, just continued to tremble and shudder in my arms. I continued to hold her, feeling that without my support she might have fallen over. "I shouldn't have done that."

"No," Rikku breathed, and I don't know if she was agreeing or disagreeing. She pushed away from me, straightening and sweeping back her hair. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright. "I'm sorry. I--"

She turned her face away from me, but not before I spotted the tears in her eyes.

"Rikku--" I reached out to grab her shoulders but she stepped back, looking like a frightened mouse. I dropped my hands, feeling utterly horrible. "I'm sorry," I muttered again, not knowing what else to say.

Rikku bit her lip as she looked at me, but didn't seem to have anything to add. I couldn't bear the awkward silence for very long.

"Well," I said in a determinedly cheerful voice despite the fact that I felt like tearing my insides out and burning them, "Aren't you going to hit me?"

Rikku gave a watery little giggle and shook her head.

"Gippal. . ." her mouth worked, but no other words came out. After a moment she touched me lightly on the arm, smiling at me tremulously from beneath her lashes, then turned and darted from the clearing, hurrying back towards the temple.

I watched her go, drawing on all the willpower I possessed to stop myself from charging after her and drawing her into my arms once more. I sank down onto the grassy carpet of the clearing with a sigh instead, putting a shaking hand over my eye.

I kept it clenched shut for a long time after Rikku had left, but nothing could erase the image nor the feel of her in my arms, soft and willing. She had been willing. She had kissed me back.

That thought put a smile on my face, even though my mind had returned once again to it's wild wheeling, and I was even more confused than I had been before.

-----

A/N: Well thank goodness that's over. Once I got them to the clearing it went all right, but the ending. . . snarls at story
Haven't you ever had that feeling where you're bored, and you keeping going from activity to activity, but you don't stay interested in anything for long, and pretty soon you're right back bored again? That's what I was thinking with Gippal in the beginning, going from his study, to outside, etc.
The next chapter gets a little more. . . dramatic. I'm worried it will be a bit over the top for this story, but whatever. I too far in to back out now. I'm guessing a few more. Chapters that is, like three at the most.
Thanks to the reviewers, one and all. You make me feel so special and talented, when I don't deserve it. :)